I can't be a volunteer mom....

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Of course its that time of year again..... the volunteer train has arrived - I am not getting on. Does anyone else deal with this? Its frustrating, I am glad I get daily/weekly feedback from my daughter's school(Yay! they have now seriously impressed me) so I know exactly how things are going but I still get sad/mad/frustrated about it.......

Why?

1. My daughter doesn't focus when I show up in the classroom..... in her head she has adjusted to me not being around. So mom "go away"....

2. My daughter somewhat emotionally regresses. I don't know why/how but in the classroom setting its happened several times when I have been around. If she is struggling I have heard the staff redirects her fine, with mommie around its a no go, she seriously falls apart and wants me to take her home.

3. I frankly hate the volunteer thing being in the ASD world, its not the same.... All I do is observe like a clinician and look out for the kids to see how my daughter is handling it all. I don't want to help out

I feel guilty a bit about it because I'd love to see my daughter "in action" but frankly she's different when I am around so its pointless..... I just get a twinge of guilt. I think its guilt because I am not in the NT world and I think it would be good to show my face. I dunno. I guess its one of those ideals I had when I was pregnant of me doing all those NT type mom things. I have tried to be around in the classroom and its really really difficult for the both of us....... it makes me sad that I "can't" do it.

I have to get over this. I need time to take care of myself when my daughter is in school and not beat myself up but its hard.... I just feel bad and tell the teachers up front that my daughter doesn't perform as well when I am around so for her best interest I am not in the classroom. I think they are relieved in a way

My son with PDD-NOS went for evaluation at a special preschool for autistic and NT children and they had cameras in the classroom. I got to sit in a separate room and observe him.

It was astounding! It was like watching an entirely different kid. He looked like one of the more NT ones. He was cooperating with the teachers, staying in his seat, waiting his turn, lining up, staying with the group when they went outside (if I take him out anywhere, he's likely to bolt).

...just remind yourself of that and as you said don't beat yourself up.

when my son was in ps (we now homeschool) I did volunteer some but some of it was not directly in my son's classroom (would have been the same scenario you described) The school had a weekly popcorn sale and I helped fill bags for that...he didn't even know I was there except one time I went and ate lunch with him in the lunchroom....and I helped the teacher with using the paper cutter to make tons of precut shapes, etc. for art projects.

My son was in chess club and I helped the leader put together a scrapbook for the chess team...was able to do it at home. I don't play chess and would have hovered over my son had I volunteered during his club

Maybe there is something your teacher could use help with that you could do outside of the classroom? or for the school in general? help in the office?

Jane

There are tons of things you can do for the school that son't involve being in the classroom! Teachers can always use help with clerical stuff as was already suggested and you can help with fundraising activities and other special activities. I really encourage you to get involved in some way, it will help you get to know some of the other parents and teachers and maybe not feel like the odd person out. I am a bit of an over-achiever in this dept and I wouldn't necessarily recommend you take on any huge tasks if that isn't your thing but there really are lots of little jobs that need to be done. You could spend 1 hour a month or 5 hours a week, whatever you are comfortable with. Talk to your school's parent organization.

Schools always need help with special events, libraries, fund raising, all kinds of things.

Explain the situation to the school and I think they'd be morons for turning down free help.

Bombaloo: [quote] I really encourage you to get involved in some way, it will help you get to know some of the other parents and teachers and maybe not feel like the odd person out[quote]


I'm not a "joiner" re: doing at home tasks.... I did that in my daughter's preschool and frankly started resenting it;) For me really its in the classroom and being part of things that way or nothing. My husband laughed when I got all frustrated re: the volunteer email and said "You HATE doing that stuff...... you got so annoyed dealing with that crap" Uhmmm.... yeah he's right - I think I'll hit the gym instead:)

My mom couldn't volunteer in my classroom either because I get distracted and not work. So she could only volunteer in my brothers' classrooms.

In pre-k, kindergarten and first grade I avoided going on class field trips for the very reasons you are describing. My daughter went from being mildly/barely noticeably autistic without me being around to being obviously impaired in my presence. I don't know what it is about me being at school with her, but it definitely takes a sledge hammer to her level of functioning. She becomes mute, avoids the other kids, doesn't follow directions, cries, throws herself to the floor, all kinds of things she almost never does. Not even at home.

It always kind of makes me feel like a "bad parent" because I am afraid other parents will be thinking I am not there because I do not care to be involved. I would *love* to be involved, but not at the cost it has for my daughter.

It's tough. Just remind yourself you are doing it for her, so she can do the best she can. That is what a loving mother does. A selfish mother would insist on going to fulfill her own needs. That is not what you are doing at all.

I volunteer in my son's school by just helping with little mundane tasks... like, I went to a totally different classroom and helped the second grade teachers prepare some materials for a unit. Also, I help my son's teacher either put together monday folders (announcements, etc) or other things that need to be done... and none of it needs to be done in the actual classroom or during a time the kids are in the room. I prefer to go in and help during lunch time or recess. Then, it's quiet and I can just focus on the simple tasks the teacher needs help with....

I went in on Monday while they were in the room and my son was FINE, but he kept looking at me strange and told me later that he thought it was weird that I was there!

Not to be rude, but you should know that no one that volunteers to do the mundane crap likes it. They do it because the folks caring for their kids need the help. They do it because if they are doing that piece of mundane crap the teacher can focus on my kid rather than that mundane crap. In addition, the faculty treat your kid better if you are helping at something.

So, bottom line, suck it up and find something you can do that doesn't interfere and drive you nuts. (maybe even correcting papers at home for the teacher, library work?)

You don't have to - but it makes a difference. AND - you're right, you do get judged about it (right or wrong). I had a terrible time trying to volunteer when my son was having violent meltdowns all the time - I got judged coming and going. I did get extra help from the administration because I had been helping at the school for years.

I didn't always do what the other parents did - but I found something.

I'm sorry if I came off harsh - but I may be a little bitter after 12 years of this (eldest is a senior in HS). I figured that I will give a list of the non-traditional volunteer work I have done.

BTW - There are usually tons of field trip volunteers, so they really don't need you. I liked to go cause my mom never did, but at all of the schools my kids have attended the teachers treated filed trip chaperoning as a privilege.

Took playground and classroom pictures
Arranged class yearbook picture collage
sent emails for teacher or PTA (able to do this without almost ever going in person)
reviewed PTA bylaws and did research on internet of successful ideas to steal..
Helped teacher with holiday gifts
volunteer coordinator for events (so for little kids, help the teacher organize who's bringing what) as eldest got older...this became a big job
I was a crossing guard, yard duty and did noon duty (noon duty in the gym was too much for me on a sensory level - outside was OK)
I did a little copying and filing but because I work during school hours, I never did much of that. Other moms did though.
I have worked on sets for school plays and procured costume materials
help distribute cookie dough when the orders come in - if you don't want to deal with the masses, usually the organizers need help with sorting the orders and money.
I have bagged breakfasts for early morning activities
Done event shopping

None of this was "classroom" work, none of it included my child directly, although as he got older I made him help sometimes.

I did do some of the younger holiday parties, and he still remembers that. If you don't want to do the holiday party, doing some of the advance planning of the activities is helpful.

I have to say that my problem with volunteering in recent years, has been that I have been in school systems that aren't willing to educate or provide therapeutic services for my son. My son has been very advanced academically, but is typical AS. This past year, I visited the school weeks ahead of time (before we moved here), showed them all of his documentation and went through it with them, and was told by them what the classroom environment would be. Then they changed their classroom arrangement, and instead of having 3 classrooms with a ESE teacher supporting the cluster, their inclusion option became an inclusion class with the ESE teacher in dual roles as classroom instructor and ESE support. They moved my son on the second day of class without telling us because he was overwhelmed (transition), and then repeatedly told me that the academic instruction was the same level as the other class (which it clearly wasn't). Similar pattern went on for much of the year.

So it is pretty hard to volunteer with people repeatedly lying to you, especially when you are fighting for services in IEP meetings.

ScottAllen, I am so sorry to hear of your experience. Can you switch schools?

asdmommie, I can't do the classroom thing, either. But I was always involved at the school. I sorted the take-home folders when my kids were little, and moved big time into PTA fundraising later. I kept my eyes open and found jobs that sounded fun to me, and that seemed they would work for me. There is always so much to do, and so much beyond the typical volunteer quick-find list! Often, you can create your own jobs: parents at our schools have created re-cycling teams, gardening teams, designed new booths and games for fundraising events (I'm into face painting, myself) and so on. It takes a while to get the lay of the land, but it is worth making the effort. Not easy, but worth it.

We've been unlucky with school systems, and I think if we move again, my motivation will be more towards finding a good homeschooling community. He's in a private montessori school this year.

Boy, do I remember feeling this way.

I volunteered exactly ONCE a year for almost every year of my son's elementary school years. He is now 16, and thankfully, those days are WAY behind me.

I didn't like volunteering for many reasons. Yes, he didn't seem to do as well when I was there as when I wasn't there. But, also, after volunteering a few times, I just got depressed. It's an inherent problem with my psyche, but I got frustrated at seeing how socially behind my son was. I thought he was wonderful when we would interact at home, and I liked the kids he went to school with and could appreciate them -- but when those two worlds collided, it was personally hard for me. I was never so happy as when my son went to middle school and I wasn't expected to volunteer so much.

I know that my son struggles socially. I know that the other kids are more jaded and much more socially adept. It's just easier for me to not have to witness that directly in front of my eyes on a consistent basis. I am a highly social person, and this is difficult for me to watch. My son is very sweet and kind, and as you know, teenagers are often not sweet and kind. Even the nice kids who pay attention to my son come off as patronizing sometimes. It's a very rare teenager who can deal with a kid with "differences" on a fair level, without prejudice.

I like to think that once he gets into college, it will be more of a level playing field. Geez, let's hope so!

I didn't even know that we were supposed to volunteer. I joined the PTA once and did some fundraising once but that was it. It doesn't sound like anything I'd like to do anyway.