Really need some advice

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A very brief history: My son is 15 months old, and since he was born, my life has been very difficult to manage. Around his first birthday I learned that it's because my husband and I both have AS and our son is most likely on the spectrum somewhere (professionals agree) (I'm diagnosed now). He's since qualified for early intervention and has 3 therapists coming to the house regularly. He's on a waiting list for a diagnostic evaluation.

I decided a couple of months ago that I would put him in daycare for 4 hours in the mornings, both to give me a much much needed break (I was losing my mind) and so that he would have the opportunity to get out of the house and socialize, which is something that I have a hard time providing for him since I really struggle in play group environments. There were really two major hurdles involved with this idea. First, we live in the middle of nowhere, and it's difficult to find any childcare that's not 20 or more minutes away. Secondly, we do not have a lot of money to spare.

Well, amazingly, I found out that someone I know (who I thought that I really trusted) who lives literally 4 minutes from our house, runs an in-home daycare, in our price range. She's not licensed, but she was a nurse and worked in a daycare and is CPR certified. Naturally, my son ended up going to her house every morning, like I was hoping for and it seemed to be a perfect solution. He's much happier and more manageable because of it, our home is forced to run on a very structured routine now (which is fantastic for all of us), and I'm refreshed and much more capable of playing with and teaching my son.

Everything was great, until I started noticing some safety concerns. I noticed that there are very small toys scattered about that my son could choke on. One time I went to pick up my son and I could not find the lady. It was about 10 minutes before she came out of the bathroom. She said that she wasn't feeling well, which is understandable, but she left 4 children roaming around her house (one of them was 6 months old at the time) completely alone for that time. I've walked in to repeatedly find another 15 month old in a highchair eating unsupervised. She's reported that my son get's into the bathroom and plays with the toilet (I specifically requested that she keep him out of the bathroom because of germs). Then last week, she reported to my that my son turned on the stove and caused a "gas leak" and she had to call the gas company. On one hand, she was responsible for telling me about it and calling the gas company, but on the other, I don't understand why there were no protective knobs on the stove and why he wasn't being watched more closely. Now, she's just informed me that she's adding another child to the daycare, which coincidentally is my neighbors daughter. So there will be a total of 5 children ranging from age 7 months to 3 years.

I don't know if I'm being too overprotective of my son, or if my concerns are valid. If I pull him out of daycare, our family situation is going to go right down the tubes again. I also don't know if I should tell my neighbors about my concerns.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I think that a nice civilized conversation would be appropriate.

Safety comes first. The lack of saftey proofing the stove is unacceptable, and you've observed multiple instances of the caregiver being inattentive. I would strongly recommend finding another alternative.

I would share your concerns with your neighbor, and ask if she would be interested in sharing the cost to hire someone to watch both your children at your house or hers.

Would you feel able to watch two children at once? If yes, perhaps you can find another mom to trade babysitting with a couple mornings a week.

Have you asked the early intervention folks about respite care?

The fact that she's not licensed is unsurprising given these very bad safety issues. I agree that everything you've reported is unacceptable. In my experience, her overall attitude to safety will not change even if you have a word. People who can't see those things are dangerous in the first place won't ever agree that they are. At least being licensed means that legally she has to be inspected and follow protocols, so her not being licensed means she can get away with what she wants. In the UK you can't look after children and be paid to do so without being registered as I understand it. Presume you're in the US and I'm amazed it's not the same there.

Also, familiarity breeds contempt, so she probably feels even more free to under-perform safety-wise. I would at least have a word with your neighbour and ask her if she minds things like that, because you personally do and are unhappy with the provision. It would be unfair not to pre-warn your neighbour as I'm sure you would want someone to do for you.

I found when I went to look for in-home care for my son that nothing met my standards, nothing.

Which makes this one a tough call.

On the one hand, you have a happy child - that is a good sign. On the other hand, you have some valid safety concerns.

Do you think you could talk to her about the safety concerns, starting off by reminding her how happy you've been with the arrangment, and how wonderful you think she is overall for your child? Perhaps offer to help with doing a little bit more childproofing; maybe offer to come in with your husband as volunteers on a saturday to work on it (a bit like how parents frequently volunteer at preschools)? Then ask more detailed questions about what the options might be for some of the difficult times, like when she has to use the restroom. Perhaps looks up standards and recommendations for single care provider situations. Come at it as being helpful, knowing that every situation can be improved. Be clear you want to work with her, not against her, and maybe laugh at yourself, how picky you are, to put her at ease (I don't think you are being picky, but somehow it goes down easier for other people that way).

I do hope you can work it out. It sounds like it has been a good choice for you overall, but the concerns should get addressed: accidents can and do happen.

Overall: rely on your instincts. You can't expect to ever feel completely at ease (I never did, I still don't think I do, and my kids are 15 and 12!), but you should not feel foreboding, either.

I blame everything on myself or my child in these situations.... I would say

DS is into everything these days and making me crazy! There is no way I can manage keeping him out of the toilet without a safety lock. Would you mind if we put one on your bathroom too? Actually, he's so into everything that I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind our ramping up your childproofing a bit. I'm sure he's busier than most, and I don't want you to have to deal with running after him all the time....

You're welcome.

I forgot to say that I second what DW a mom said... and that's why I would start with trying to make the space appropriate for MY child. I had friends who's babies just weren't into stuff like mine, so I don't judge based on the overall. I just want to address what my child needs.

That said, if you don't get this resolved by talking about it, then you do need to find another place.

OH - I would also say.... I can't even go to the bathroom in peace, how do you do it? I can't even imagine it with more than one!

Offering to childproof her house is a possible solution.

I totally get being "overprotective" and no one being "good enough." It is hard as a parent to leave your child under someone else's care, and even harder when they have SN that you can be pretty sure the caregiver may not be very familiar with.

So, I can see a little bit of second guessing. I always wonder if I am being ridiculous or realistic in situations like this.

But I have to be honest and tell you I would run in this situation. Quickly.

The environment sounds negligent to me. That she would have 5 kids under 3 in her house without common, everyday childproofing in place tells me that she probably does not have very good judgment. Believe me, just because she is a nurse and knows CPR doesn't necessarily mean she can be counted on to think straight or behave in a responsible manner.

I know you really need this, and so part of me feels sorry that I have to tell you how I really feel. But you can't put a price on your kid's safety IMHO. Maybe finding another mom to "swap" childcare with or share the fees for a babysitter at your house. Or call your service coordinator every day until she does something for you.

I did get in touch with our new service coordinator today. She's so new that she didn't even have my sons file yet, but she said that she's been working in our area of the county for 14 years, and that there isn't a lot of childcare available. She's going to look into it more for me, but she said that my questions about it were very typical, and I'm not the only one with this problem :/ She said that we would qualify for respite, but that it's only 25 hours total over 6 months. Of course, we're going to take that, and I'm thankful for anything, but it really doesn't help this particular situation much.

I found a place that's 25 minutes away that is a special needs daycare/preschool/therapy/etc. program and spoke with 3 very unhelpful people before finally getting passed along to someones voice mail. This person did happen to call me back at the end of the day (during my sons therapy session) so I'll get back to her tomorrow. My son wouldn't be able to join until 18 months, but that isn't too long from now. I have no idea what their fee's are, but I'm going to look into it more, because from their website, it looks like something that could be right up our alley (if we can afford it).

Short answer here. Get him out of there.

We were always seen by quite a few family members and close friends as being overly protective. We even doubted ourselves.

Not anymore. Over time, some of these same friends and family tried taking one or two of our kids overnight. Very few of them ever made it the entire night without calling us to come get them. Daycare? A nightmare. Pulled them all out of various daycare arrangements, directly due to the fact that very few people have any clue how to deal with autistic kids.

Oh, and "respite?" Forget it. That didn't work either. We ended up with the same stupid problems with that as well. The stupidest thing about respite was that those people were often there WITH us, and we STILL had to watch the kids ourselves because they had no clue.

Eventually, we just accepted that if we didn't do the job, it wouldn't be done right. It was extremely tough for years, but I've never regretted the decision.

Don't be so harsh on the OP. She's really struggling and NEEDS a break from her kid in order to meet his needs the rest of the time.

Are you in a very rural area or in a surburban or urban area with a high cost of living?

Have you tried searching Craigslist or care.com? Maybe you could afford 10 hours of a babysitter for what you're paying for 20 hours of daycare. You're right that more options will open up when your son turns 18 months, and you may find that he gets more services once he has a diagnosis.