Daughter flees when she sees anyone (esp. other kids) crying

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I need some urgent advise.

Recently, my daughter has been accused of bullying a rather manipulative classmate, when in reality the other child has been bullying her. This child is - even at just 10 - a supreme actress who tends to push my girl around, but manipulates the situation by beginning to cry when approached by an adult, while my daughter tends to flee the scene, solely to avoid having to witness the bully's tears. This leads to the adults automatically assuming that my daughter is at fault and punishing her when, in reality, my child has been the victim !

I have talked to her and impressed upon her the importance of standing her ground, and explaining her side of the events to any adult who approaches, and that when she runs away (for whatever reason), it only gets her into trouble because she did not stay and defend herself. She agrees with me that she must do this, but then fails to implement this every.single.time, and ends up getting into trouble when the bully turns on the water-tap and acts like she is all innocent when she is the real aggressor.

I have talked about this with the class teacher who believes me and agrees with me, simply because the bully has also been accused of the same behaviour by some other children in the class. However, the teacher can offer no help or suggestions, only saying that she will talk to the playground supervisors or the yard duty personnel, while insisting to me that my daughter really needs to "stand her ground" and "be assertive" with the bully.

Today, at music class, another child began to cry when the teacher scolded her for lack of daily practice and poor performance in the class. Next thing you know, my daughter is gone from the class. I had to cancel session and go home, because she absolutely refused to go back inside and finish up her lesson. I was really angry, embarrassed and don't know what to tell the teacher next week.

My daughter is quite a talker, but she has not been to explain why another child's tears provokes such anxiety / such a flight response in her. She just says that she just wants to "run away" when other people begin to cry. Please help as I am at my wits' end. How can I help her handle this better and more appropriately ?

Life is not fair and just, some battles can't be won, that's also a lesson to see where the trouble is and avoid it.
At the start of secondairy school my son had that sort of problems too, eg. being punished for pushing someother boy who he gave his notes to copy from after missed lessons and that boy distroys his paper instead of giving it back.

Teacher bullying another kid might be a frightening thing to see happen, I can see reason for upset in that.

I am guessing it could be a sensory issue. It could be an excess empathy issue where crying (even from a bully) cn trigger an automatic empathy response that is too strong and scares her. I don't know how to fix either, other than maybe try to desensitize her to it, which I am not sure how to do, much less do quickly.

I would not comply with my kid being punished for things he/she didn't do. You have an ally in the teacher. You should probably talk with the principal and let him know that you consider the other girl's actions to be bullying, and that their teacher agrees with you.

Edit: I'd also tell my kid they're not allowed to play with that child anymore.

Sounds like she is developing PTSD for crying because of that bully. Too bad there can't be cameras or can she start carrying a tape recorder in her pocket to record the situation and you will have proof right there that your daughter is the victim and the bully is the victimizer.

My son is terrified of crying people for two reasons: one, he has zero idea what to do. (Usually he winds up doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean he isn't having a panic attack in the interim.) Two, he actually feels the pain other people feel when they are crying.

We haven't worked this out yet, so he pretty much runs when it happens (although it almost never happens in high school, and when it does, it's extreme enough that most people run, so that makes this easier for the time being.) He has not yet learned to turn empathy into a connection with other people and an expression of sympathy, and I do believe he feels it more than an NT kid would.

Since we don't have your issue, I haven't really done anything about it because he appears to be learning bit by bit, but I thought maybe what I've learned from him (we have discussed it, so I'm not making assumptions about his feelings/actions) might help. I would guess your situation is further complicated by the bullying situation, and possibly that your daughter may not have clearly understood the crocodile tears.

Thanks, everyone.

The thing is, she runs ANYTIME she hears anyone crying. It's not just with this bully crying, it happens whenever and wherever she sees or hears crying, and it is almost like a fight or flight instinct is triggered and she flies. I worry so much about her. I want to tell her that people cry for different reasons and sometimes, there is NOTHING that *she* can do about it whatsoever -- the bully cries to manipulate the situation, her brother cries because he does not want to do any work at all, the girl in the music class cried because she was ashamed and upset at the teacher telling her to work harder, Mom cries because she can't cope with her brother another second longer ... blah blah blah.

What I get is that while she intellectually "gets it", she is practically unable to cope with the situation.

Help !

My daughter does not choose to play with that little witch. The witch goes after her and harasses her every chance she gets. And then, of course, when a yard duty person approaches, the bully begins to raise a hue and a cry, complaining that <my daughter> has pushed her off the monkey bars / pulled her hair / called her a mean name ... and then when they see my daughter running away as soon as the little witch turns on the water tap, the adult assumes that the bully is telling the truth and my daughter ran away because she does not want to get into trouble.

Of late, the witch has been targeting my daughter more and more, to the extent that the teacher says that DD has been asking the teacher if she can sit in class during recess and read, instead. The bully's mother is the PTA bad-@ss, quite influential at the school, and apparently has a strangle hold on the Administration. Since learning this, and knowing that nothing will be done, I told my daughter to give back as good as she gets. I told her that since she was accused of (and punished for) stuff she has never done, that she may as well give the bully a taste of her own medicine and to go ahead and push the nasty bit of work off the monkey bars / pull her hair as hard as she can / call her mean names / laugh at her loudly etc. Yeah, not anything that an exemplary Mom would tell / teach her child to do, I know, but I am sick of my kid being picked on, and then being accused / punished, because DD isn't manipulative / lacks social skills / is just a simpleton. And the worst part ? My kid wouldn't do any of those things I advised to do. She'll just stand there and take the blame after being shoved around. One of these days, the bully AND the bully's mother will know that behind every long-suffering, sweet, little girl is a mean @ss mother who knows how to throw karate chops and won't hesitate to throw some at them.

Maybe approach things in a cognitive manner? Adapt some of these?

http://benziesangmassocialstoriesforaut ... d-cry.html

http://www.redcross.org.uk/What-we-do/T ... al-support

http://completecoach.pro/2012/08/14/why ... is-crying/

This is probably not going to be popular, but you know what. if they cannot keep this girl away, I would ask that your daughter's request to be elsewhere for recess be honored. She is not geting anything positive from it and if the other girl won't be restrained, that may be the only solution. I know it feels like letting the bully win, but she will now have to target someone else, and maybe quantity will get her eventually.

What an awful situation. Tell your daughter you'll buy her ice cream if she decks the girl. Just kidding / not kidding.

I'd agree with this, too.

The teacher has been honouring her requests to stay in, but recess is really her (teacher's) break. Sometimes, she needs to run down to the office to make copies, or make phone calls to parents about missing work etc, and she can't really do any of that without DD tagging along or listening in on the teacher's calls. She also really wants DD to stand her ground and has talked to her about how important it is to explain to any adult involved about what happened and her side of the story. It's the same thing I've been telling DD, too - stick around and if an adult does *not* want to listen to your version of the events because they are such bleeding hearts over the witch's crocodile tears, or "punishes" you in any manner whatsoever, then you tell your teacher (who knows the bully is a manipulative little monster) or your mother who will keep complaining about the situation until something is done.

But again, it's all intellectually there -- she gets it, of course, but just doesn't act on it. I hate that these girls will both be in the same middle school in the Fall, unless the bully's family moves over the Summer.

Could she go to the library during recess??
If a librarian is in there and your daughter doesn't mind reading or drawing or something, maybe that could give the teacher her break and also allow her to get away from the bully.

Maybe this doesn't have to last the rest of the year, but maybe a couple of weeks to start? Maybe the bully would lose interest??

I know everyone wants her to stand up for herself, but this may not be the easiest situation for her to learn to do this. I would hate for her to feel like she's the one in trouble. Your description reminds me of my now older teenage daughter. Situations like that, she would just get quiet and couldn't express herself. I think the emotions were too overwhelming for her. As your daughter gets older she may be able to handle these type of situations, but maybe now, getting her a break may help.

My son found a kid who likes Lego (his special interest) and they started staying in at recess to play. After a while some other boys joined them, and now they have a sort of unofficial club going on. As a result, DS is barely using the school's "buddy program" this year. Maybe something like that could work for your daughter.

That's awesome. Are they good at building stuff with legos?