My Teen Aspie: trying so hard to fit in, dating....help

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My 16 yr old tries so hard to do what he calls, "just be normal". He wants friends and girlfriends and all the social stuff that others have, but doesn't understand it all. He tends to seek out the kids that are on the edge, (like punk, and heavy metal) because they are more accepting of differences. I don't mind the kids because most are actually good kids if you take the time to look past the hair and clothes, but it's the pressure of trying to fit in that is killing him. He thinks he should have a girlfriend for two reasons, one is that he thinks it is the "normal " thing to do. The other is that because he thinks if he doesn't find someone in high school he will never find anyone because as he says, "It's not like I will be forced to socialize anywhere else." I worry because he doesn't have a clue when it comes to relationships and then there is the whole sex thing that I know he is not ready for and doesn't understand at all. As it is I have to explain everything the girl does or says to him and go over ways he should respond or ways he should react.
Everytime he finds a girl who will have anything to do with him, he becomes obsessed ( not in a stalker way,lol). It's all he thinks of and it consumes every waking moment of his life. He spends all his time worrying if he is doing what he is supposed to and trying not to do anything wrong. He instantly says he is in love and basically plans his future out with the girl. Some of the girls unfortunately use him as an "in between boyfriends" boyfriend and the other relationships end because of aspie complications. He did this for a while and then stopped for a long time because he didn't want to try again. Recently the girl he really liked started talking to him and they began dating, they only saw each other at school, but he was sure they would be together forever and that she was the one...again. Life was hell, because the pressure of a relationship causes him to become very explosive and he meltsdown daily. Well as usual this ended and he is devastated and this has made the going to school situation even worse.

So does anyone else experience this with their teen aspies? Should I ban dating altogether for a while until he can understand more about himself as an Aspie? How do you handle these siyuations?

It sounds like you are describing me when I was a teen Aspie. I tried hard to fit in, usually only those from fringe groups "kind of" accepted me, and I also seemed to be the boyfriend who was easy to discard for another. These experiences were very difficult but had my parents prevented me from dating, for example, I would have learned nothing about it and would have had a stunted life.

The best advice that I can give to you is to encourage your son to develop his special talents and to develop the unique way he experiences life. I've done this and, as a result, have found that a girlfriend can enhance the good life that I have but that I do not need a girlfriend to have a good life. I'm not dating anyone now but someday when I do I will have had experiences and an outlook at life that will help me in that relationship.

Good luck.

I don't know what kind of advice to give. Every aspie is different. I did a lot of interesting stuff as a teen and met NQ people - the type of NTs who are kind of intellectual or at least interesting.

I enjoyed spelunking, sailing, building model rockets and other off-the-wall things. People seemed to find me and I don't recall I did anything to fit in.

Possible to get a female councilor? Male if he is more at ease with them. At 16 there are raging hormones involved in this. He feels the stirrings and it doesn't matter if you think he's ready for sex or not. I'm not saying sex is in order, please don't misunderstand me. It's still going to influnce a person, it's a pretty new emotion and can be pretty intense, even for an NT. I mean there is a very good reason teens are what they is.

It always seems like (looking back at it) the better relationships happened when I wasn't looking for one. I know, how do you explain such a thing to a kid. It may be that a counclor could get it across, that there really is no right way, no wrong way. Just relaxe a bit and go with the flow.

I wouldn't want to be normal if they handed it to me on a platter with money as trimmings. That we have gifts that come with this stuff, we just need to find them and go with it. Agian, how do you get it across to a kid with raging hormones. There are better people at it then we are, I'm sure. I have met them.

I still need to have my wife point out a drama queen to me, I'm very blind to it.

Has he joined WP.

He can meet other teen aspies online. I believe some relationships have even developed!

My husband (who I strongly suspect is an Aspie) never dated anyone before me.

He was a 22 year old virgin when we met and I'm the only one who's even had their wicked way with him.

We have been together 15 years, married for 12.

I met my husband online. He is not an aspie, but probably boarderline NVD. He says it has nothing to do with any "condition" other then being an "osborne!" His whole family is a little socially "delayed".

Anyway, that did not happen until I was in my 20's, no relationships in HS ever really work out, (well, maybe a 1000 to one), but the plain fact is, he is in his school, work, imediate community are what? Maybe a couple thousand girls he he could "hook up with"? Generally though, you need a much larger pool to find "the one", often people look 30 or 35 years before they find just the right "person". Others wait even longer then that.

I don't think he needs to worry about the rest of his life right now. I don't know how to convince him of this, but as you get older, the pool of people you can be in contact with gets bigger, not smaller! Also, it is more likely to find people who share common interests as you age, because you gravitate to your little "niche" in this world, where other people more like you are.

I agree with the whole sex thing, it does not matter if he is ready for it, or wants it or any of those things, with 16 year olds, it is just something that "happens". I don't know how you want to "deal" with that, but I know with my kids, when they are around 15/16 I plan to get them a good book and keep condoms somewhere in the house for them, as the cheep crap at clinics or vending machines usually break, and most kids are just too embarased to buy them. Best to set some ground rules early, not after the fact!

my son is obsessed with dating too...........can't go longer than a week without a "new girlfriend". problem is , though, that they all are "winners"....either they want something from him, or they take advantage of him, or they do both.i wish he'd stop dating, but i don't feel that i can make him stop & still have a sane household. the reality is, for our son, that dating is one of the most normal things he does.....most of the time, he feels "unnormal" ( his words)..............i dated some losers in my time, too. hopefully he'll learn soon~this is girlfriend number 3.

Ok, so I will just let him go a bit, but try and set some new rules. Maybe something to stop the obsessing...hahaha, stop the obsessing of a teen aspie, what am I thinking,lol. Ok so maybe just set some ground rules for behavior instead.

As far as sex goes it is not so much that I worry about his hormones, he is still slightly disgusted by the whole thing, but I worry about him getting pushed into something thinking he has to do it to be "normal". The outcome could be devasting, but I guess that is not and "aspie" problem now that I think about it, I guess that is an "any teen" problem.

I worry about all the breakups and the harm they do to what little socializing he has left in him. The latest break up has caused him to not go to lunch where he sees his only friend because "she" is there. He now sits alone in the library, it just breaks my heart.

Is he in therapy? I can't remember... if not I think it would be a good idea if he is willing.

Unfortunately we just can't pad the whole world in foam rubber to keep them from getting hurt.

I understand your reluctance to "endorse" his dating, but in trying to stop it, I can't see how you can without seriously harming your relationship with him. I think all you can do is repeatedly discuss with him the facts of dating, breakups are normal, they happen, and no one really finds their soulmate in highschool anyway. Try to tell him that it may take a 100 relationships to find "true love". Try not to put too much weight on the 99 that don't work out, because for the one that does, it was worth it!

How has he been the last couple of weeks? Any more dating attempts?

No more dating attempts, as a matter of fact he has hardly made any attempt to contact anyone. It is all I can do to get him to go to school at all. He is seriously shutting down and I just wish I knew what to do. He is going through the stress cycle of demanding attention all the time, it's the baby side of him I talk about. He sees a therapist every two weeks and has an appointment tonight so maybe that will help. Sometimes Mom just can't get things through to a teenage boy.

You mentioned this on the other thread too, about his not willingly getting up and going to school. Maybe you need to look at letting him drop a course or two. I know end of year is so close, but if dropping say "math" removes the mind barrier he has, he may do better in the other courses and be more willing to go!

.

Yeah... keep 'em away from my daughters... just joking... really.

Not sure you should ban anything except that which does harm to himself or others. I cringe at the thought of my daughters beginning to date. They are a sassy, intelligent pair though, and a bit naive, so I worry sometimes more about the fellow having to deal with them...

I think banning is preventing an experience he will need to "understand himself"... Let the experiences roll... My kids are always asking me for advice about such. So I share as much as possible. I'm glad they are open to asking. I make it safe for them...


Clumsily sometimes... Following is a post I just submitted in "Dino" land:


Posted: Wed May 09, 2007 11:00 pm
Post subject: Re: add your parenting advice for AS parents

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Post edit here... I'm certain that I qualify for entrance into Dino land, but I'm still parenting, so will move my chat of advice to the Parenting forum... more edit below this...





More post edit:

I've been a struggling parent for years... Though now am somewhat relaxed knowing the reasons behind some of our family’s behaviors.

"Somewhat" meaning: They are teenagers now and how can ANYONE relax around the activities of intelligent, precocious, "in-your-face" debaters...

WE sort-of operate under Montessori principles with structure (Oxymoron?)...

They are bold around home and will share anything, well, almost, I need "more" sharing about the new potential boyfriend I just heard of . They tell me that they are shy outside and at school... Another oxymoron of personality...

My kids have two "worlds" that they live in: one at home, the other off at Public school. Home is safe, a place to express themselves without judgment. As in allowed color choices when it comes to painting their rooms, stapling pictures to the wall (The whole wall!?), and sometimes painting mine, graphically... more on this later...

Frustrates me to see them try to fit in -- Dumb themselves down. Don’t allow this to happen simply because he lacks friends. Perhaps better to try someway to let him know friends will come later, Hah! When the friends catch-up... IMO...

It has been a “long road” to “teenager”... I wish I knew then what I know now...

I would have put more effort into seeking alternatives in education such as home schooling and private school...

Think I’ll hang out in the parenting forum for a while...

Regards, Beammeup

Just read your new post after I posted...

I was "serioiuly shutting down" at his age. I felt very misunderstood, and needed shut-down time to process my social experiences. Landed in Depression sometimes. Your son needs the right therapist/counselor or I can imagine only bad results... He needs someone that can relate his experiences... IMO

No dogma here but my own when I say: "God knows I needed someone to relate to then".
I had to wait thirty years... I hope your son does not...

My regards, Beammeup (daddy)

Beammeup, Thank you for your words of wisdom. I can completely relate to the two worlds , one at home and one at school. This is actually the source of some huge problems in getting him as well as my 7 year old services. I am doing everything I can to get someone to help him, but our state just stinks at providing services and I cannot afford most that he needs. I know that for now he can talk to me and I can actually relate to him very well (hmm maybe a closet aspie,lol) but I know he needs so much more and somehow I will find a way.

Hah!, a lot of great observations here by postpaleo...

Yes... Oddly, my girls prefer male counselors... They have referred to the last female counselor as the “b***h”... (I actually liked her advice).

And the raging hormone thing... Jeeze... yes, Darwin and Freud have nabbed their brains!! !

While one of my teens is destined to be a mathematician, and the other a creative renowned artist (They don't know it yet, and, ah-emmm... no bias here), they are currently occupied by playing tic-tac-toe, and writing graffiti with the boys -- respectively...

Oh, and about graphic painting on my wall that I mentioned earlier... could be considered graffiti. (Sort of an eccentric bunch we are...). Starts like this:

I was outside on a ladder painting the trim a burnt red (Had not yet discussed colors with the family). My teen walked up to me after returning home from school and said: "DAD!! !, that color is horrible!! !! ... rant, rant...".

So Daddy said: (with a smile)... "You need some of this color in your room so you can appreciate it more.”

I stepped off the ladder and went to her room with my paintbrush full of paint (smiling) and proceeded to paint the edge of her full-length mirror frame, rather sloppily I might ad...... "There! see how great that looks!! !, I exclaimed while she was standing nearby with her mouth hanging open... I went back outside to finish painting... stopped a moment to admire my work... She came out quickly and grabbed another brush full of paint and went inside the house...

Later I found the following( picture I'll share it in a PM later) showing her handy-work on my wall above my desk!! ! I smiled and knew we both loved each other very much, even if we are eccentrically spirited about it sometimes... Her painting still adorns my wall...

So as to keep them from writing on my wall with paint... subsequent graffiti is to be drafted on a white board installed on a wall in our entertainment room (actually was there before I got the paint-job) to offer a place to express one’s self, or anybody, including their friends...

Here's the latest entry on the White board -- words from a Marvin Gaye song. (another picture for you later, someday I’ll share them more publicly. After my anonymity is blown... Or when the girls say it is okay...)

Hang in there mom...

tbh i dont think i ment i wanted to be normal when i said it at 15 nor do most kids. i think its a manipulative thing. then again i didn't have meltdowns but tbh i think i would have liked to have those at 15. i think i would have liked the attention. also if he wants a gf and dosen't want a social life i think thats what the internets for thats not something you can really do irl.