Social Isolation - Our kids as well as the parents

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We all know the challenges our kids have with being socially isolated, but do any of the parents feel that with other parents? Parents with only NT kids generally have little understanding of AS, and simply cannot relate to your parenting challenges. Further, as many parental friendships develop around a child's social circle, our children's lack of a social circle makes us feel very isolated in our neighborhood and at school. We have gotten to the point of no longer reaching out to our neighbors with kids to try to foster friendships. At one point, we thought our NT daughter would help our AS daughter integrate into the neighborhood. Instead, it has had the opposite effect.

Do any other parents feel the same way?

I just don't have any friends from any of my children's social circles, even though my daughter has friends. I think one can become very isolated in suburbia. We are selling our house and moving to an urban part of town which is pedestrian friendly. My two AS kids hate living in the burbs with all the soccer moms. I hate it too.

We are moving to the downtown core, as well. The main reason is that my AS teens do not want to drive yet and also because of the suburban attitude. There's also the ecological aspect of suburban sprawl.

I have found that parents and children with AS do not seem to fit in the world of NT's or with the autistic parents and kids. We are not quite either one. It is very frustrating. My AS sons are lucky in that the oldest is in a high school with kids like him. That did not happen until 1 1/2 years ago. The youngest son, T2, has my middle son, T1, as a buffer at middle school. T1 has even lost a few friends because he is very clear that T2 is a cool kid with differences and that he will not hang with kids that don't respect him. In fact, T1 just introduced T2 to his soccer friends and they are playing street hockey.

It seems harder for the parents because it feels as if we have no one to turn to. I also find many of the things the other parents discuss to be trivial. We deal with so much that I find I lose patience with the mundane complaints of the others. It isn't jealousy, it is more as if I have grown and they haven't. It is a very strange place to be.

I think that in suburbia there is an element of implied conformity that may be absent in an urban area. The aspie sticks out in the burbs and can walk around and blend in downtown.

Dadof3 said:

Most definitely. In my case, I don't think it has anything to do with suburbia, I think it is lack of education on the part of the NT kids' parents. They don't want to deal with it, or they want to hide from it. Additionally, my son has problems with younger children; he has problems dealing with the noise they make and the way they try to "butt in" with whatever he is doing with the older sibling, and the NT parent doesn't know how to handle it. The one thing that has helped is that we entertain at our own home, which makes my child less anxious and therefore, better equipped to deal with other kids. I don't expect or even want reciprocation; it is just better when we socialize in our own home.

Simple solution: Parents join your local Autism Society. Then you can network with other parents who won't criticize your child rearing abilities since they understand what its like to have an Aspie or Autie child. The Aspergers outnumber the Auties it seems. You will find friends there and your kids might as well. The bigger groups have social events like picnics and other get togethers.

I agree with you on that one.

We moved from the suburbs (shudder) to acreage. It's so much easier for my kids to socialise with others when you're on 5 acres and can run around.

When I used to go to friends' houses in the suburbs when my boys were little it was a nightmare! They got bored so quickly and became destructive.

My friends and I aren't the 'sit around with a cuppa and chat type'. We often help out in each other's gardens.

i find it hard to empathize with folks who complain about how their kids won't clean their room, or how their kid wants to dress themselves in a style they don't agree with ( ie;wearing a striped pink shirt with flowered orange pants).............i get so irritated, i just want to scream and tell them to come back to me when they have real problems

I agree, it is just impossible to socialise with people who have not walked a mile in your shoes. I hate it when I find parents who "complain" about their childrens "B" average. Good grief!

I have found in the Homeschooling community a lot of people I liked, as Homeschooling seems to attract people who don't fit social norms, if they have AS or not. I know I have met a few with sensory intigration disorders, (probably not AS though) and a few with AS in my opinion. I think a lot of families that HS are not on the spectrum, but definately not that far off it either!

I can't stand my SIL right now. Not so much because of AS issues, but she just has no clue what it is like being broke and with children. When we went to my inlaws she was there, and all she wanted to talk about was "how she had not pictures on her walls in her brand new house and what a travisty this was" and other nonesense. I could not even listen to it, and walked away from the table a lot. Come on, if your biggest problem is you need to procure a painting for your living room, then you don't have problems!

I agree with Blessedmom. I don't know where we fit in-I guess we just don't. The parents I have met at support groups are parents of autistic kids. We have similar problems, but definetly DIFFERENT problems. How can I vent to a mother about how many times my son asks "why" and interrupts me, when her son can't even talk?

Bubba just doesn't mesh well with the NT neighborhood kids either. He talks way above their heads, but then has a meltdown if someone tries to sit in his seat for lunch. People don't understand him, even if I do try to explain that he's an Aspie.

I'm too busy to socialize much anyway. I need people who understand me and what my family is dealing with. I get that here, with my husband and with a chosen few close friends.

I definitely felt a sense of social isolation when my son attended preschool in a class of NT kids--I just didn't fit in with the other parents. I'm shy and have social anxiety to begin with, so I spend most of my free time by myself.

oh yes, I feel that way too. I just try to do my best to stay involved with his activities. For example I helped chaperone a field trip with his class to the zoo. What I can't understand is why the other parents are great until they find out that my son has AS and then they all just sort of stay away or stand apart. But at the same time, we don't relate to each other. Their lives are full of ball practice and birthday parties and "normal" behavior problems and I have to deal with OT, speech therapy, behavior management, special education and making sure my IEP is being followed through etc. We have very little in common outside of the fact that we have children the same age. As for my neighbors, they are actually okay. We live in a good neighborhood for the most part, in the county but still not too far from the city. But we do not really socialize that much with them, they are all unmarried without children and about 10 years younger than us! But they are nice people and don't treat my kids as "weird"

This is a very good thread for me to read today. I'm very depressed right now, partially because of the very thing that you all are talking about -- how completely different our lives are from NT parents. I'm actually very angry. I know this is unreasonable, but I'm so tired of always feeling different. Our son was diagnosed 6 1/2 years ago, and of course I was depressed initially, and then I just got on with life and tried to be very upbeat and cheerful about it. After all, my son almost always seems to be upbeat and cheerful, and it's his life! But we've gone through a series of events this last week where I feel like it's the diagnosis week of 5 1/2 years ago, all over again, like my son's not actually doing as good as I thought he was doing, and my husband doesn't really understand, and I'm just tired.

I hate the thought of thinking that any of you feel like this too. It sucks.

Kris

I am glad that my life is not like the lives of most non-AS families. We have learned to slow down and enjoy life with our kids. Most other parents I know are running themselves and their families ragged with activities and sports. They never stop to relish the small things like an unexpected hug or playing a board game.

OMG! that is SO true!

You would think that would be true but it wasn't from my experience. My son has befriended other pdd kids at school but I've never made friends with their parents. We've met, our kids get together outside of school in our homes, but they never seemed interested in extending a relationship to me. The parents I seem to get along well with have kids he's not interested in and the kids he likes have parents that aren't interested in me. It's very frustrating. Never tried the Autism Society though. I think they're for more impaired children in my area and my son has no interest now that he's a teen. We seem to always fall between the cracks.