Help with son who won't engage

Post Reply New Topic

Hello,

My youngest son is 16. He stopped attending school when he was 13 and was educated by a tutor who came from the local Pupil Referral Unit and later, he received tuition in the unit on a one-to-one basis. He accessed approximately 5 hours of education a week.

He applied for several college courses but, frequently, he was too anxious to attend the interview for the course. Consequently, September arrived and he had no further education in place. He was offered a place on a basic work-preparation course in the second week in September.

He attended the course for a week and was asked to leave because he would not participate in the activities. He also ran away from the college twice.

So, my son remains at home. I work from home so I can care for him, but I cannot help him progress. He refuses to go on public transport, he hides if visitors come to the house and he has no friends and no social life. He does attend the local gym and he will go to his grandmother's farm.

He has no official diagnosis of ASD, but his older brother and his father are both diagnosed.

Has anyone any advice on how I can help my son? He refuses to go to the GP, the adolescent mental health service have seen him twice, but discharge him quickly because he refuses to participate in therapies or attend appointments.

I feel pathetic because I cannot make him do anything and his life is stagnant.

Thanks

Hello

First of all, no you can't make him, so let go any feeling of guilt. Second, his need to be engaging with others is not equal to other peoples and telling him (if you are doing this) that he needs to engage to have a life is like telling someone with no legs that if they don't learn to walk their life will be cr*p.

It sounds as if his difficulties socially have led him to social anxiety, concentrate on the anxiety, that's where you can help. Let him take longer to choose his path in life, those you mentioned were very social, group activities after being one to one would be overloading. How about an online cause? or an apprenticeship under one person? Avoid anything group based.

Does he want friends? if he does (not if everyone assumes he does) then begin slow like join a forum on a special interest. What about someone to go to the gym with, it's much easier to interact with a set subject of interest to both parties.

It's extremely easy to become overwhelmed by other peoples expectations at that age and just shut down as a way of avoiding making decisions which people keep telling you are the most important decisions you'll ever make.

Public transport is confusing, doctors don't give you time to explain anything properly, and visitors in the home are invasive I don't allow any in my home

I hope this doesn't sound judgmental, I'm not good at judging how my comments come across. It's nice that you are allowing your son to be at home.

Why did he initially stop attending school? Did he show signs of social or other issues prior to then, and if so, what? This might give some additional information that can help us. It is not uncommon for someone with ASD to completely disengage after years if trying to fake it -- especially if there is a specific hurdle or occurrence that overwhelms him. Typically, there are signs, but if the kid is good at hiding them, they are easy to miss at the time b/c you think everything is humming along fine b/c often they tend not to vocalize their issues.

I agree also with what Fluffysaurus said about social engagement. He may not need much to be happy. It would not hurt if he did find someone to talk to about special interests and other things because being isolated completely is not necessary so terrific, either. Even taking him to the store to get a treat, might be good for him, but you have to be careful, depending on what his anxiety level currently is. My son is happiest the closest to home we are. He will go on adventures elsewhere that he likes (He is younger than your son by a good bit) but he really does have a greater sense of calm about him when we are home.

Hmm... how is he going to make a living?

In the US, there are some graphic arts schools (e.g. Exceptional Minds http://exceptionalmindsstudio.org/index.html) that can train autistic young people into developing marketable skills in the computer arts (animation, visual effects) area. But it almost sounds like your son wouldn't be interested in that, either.

Will your son get a high school diploma at some point, at all? As long as he can get a high school diploma, another potentially interesting direction is for him to learn a foreign language and then go teach English abroad. Anyway, even if he doesn't get a diploma, learning a foreign language opens a new world, it's beneficial in many ways, and it's something that he may enjoy. Today, there are plenty of resources out there online. There are chatrooms, too. Asians go crazy about Gaijins anyway. Coming from an English speaking country, you automatically have a skill (and status) that is highly valued abroad.

Thank you for the replies. They are very helpful and each show slightly different perspectives, which is what I had hoped.

On reflection, my youngest has always had some difficulties in areas associated with autism. He had speech and language therapy as a young child to help him speak in groups and to help him with comprehension skills. He did not speak to teachers for his first term at school. He tended to have one special friend and to become quite fixated on that person. This led to the break-up of the friendships because my son wanted to be with that person all the time.

He has special interests which currently are fitness (hence the gym) and cars. He has an impressive bank of knowledge in these subjects and he has modified a car (on a very tight budget) at his grandmother's farm. When he is very interested in something, he puts his heart and soul into it, but he avoids the social aspects of his interests.

He started to refuse school for a short time when he was 11 and changed to secondary school. He had a difficult relationship with another young boy and we felt this may have led to the refusal. The full scale refusal began when he was 13.

There is an additional context. Our eldest son has quite serious mental health problems and these caused a lot of disruption at home. Social services and the police became involved and the situation was challenging. It was around this time that my youngest began refusing school completely.

However, my eldest is now in a residential home for young people with mental health problems and he is a lot better. My husband an I are still married but live separately because my husband found the situation very difficult to deal with.

Yet, the idea of a one-to-one apprenticeship really appeals. I just do not know where to find one. Online courses could also be a possibility. I am sure there must be some courses that would allow my son to gain accreditation for his knowledge of fitness and nutrition and this could be useful when he feels ready to engage.

In some ways, I can accept that my son perhaps does not have the desire for social interaction that most neurotypical teenagers have. However, social isolation was, I feel, a contributing factor in my eldest son's mental breakdown and I am afraid having no friends is not healthy for my youngest.

Mechanics apprenticeship would lead to a job where poor social skills would be no hindrance and probable self-employment. I think it's a job where it's appreciated that you just get on with it.

A job with a sports club or as a personal trainer would take more social abilities as well as less control over work environment.

I find exercise helpful dealing with depression as well as with my lack of motivation but it might be an idea to look out for diet and/or exercise becoming obsessive, sorry to worry you.

I have at times been too isolated, but this has always been the result of me retreating due to being overwhelmed. It's as if a step forward means being dragged along in an exhausting tide, but when I step back I fall down a hole into a pit.

That new info was helpful. I would have a talk with him and see what he would like to accomplish and then help him find resources -- whether it is some online coursework or what have you. The important thing is to make sure you get buy in from him on whatever it is. You can do the research ahead of time but make sure you don't present him with options until you know what direction he would like to do in. This way you seem responsive vs pushy which is apt to scare him off.

it sounds like his problems with school may have been the environment and it is much easier these days to get the education without the HS environment.

'Second, his need to be engaging with others is not equal to other peoples and telling him (if you are doing this) that he needs to engage to have a life is like telling someone with no legs that if they don't learn to walk their life will be cr*p.'

I don't sign up to this. It's not saying life will be crap, it's saying life will be better.

First of all hang in there! You're right, you can't make him do anything, it has to come from him.
I don't sign up to the 'no hope' philosophy that those on the spectrum 'can't' improve social skills. We are a social species by nature and anything that undermines those abilities is a disadvantage, you are right to be concerned and i believe there is always hope.

The first place to start is confidence. Did you know that pain tennis elbow is not cause by a problem with the elbow? It's actually originates at the shoulder or wrist. And other conditions, physical or mental, often start somewhere less obvious too.

He may really want to engage, as a social species this is very likely. But I'd bet there is a confidence issue and low self esteem.

He enjoys the gym and has the confidence to go there? That is a positive start

I see your logic and in times gone by I'd get that. But in the modern world it doesn't ring so true, good social skills are expected more and more in every trade ad customer service becomes paramount. I've known people on the spectrum, in engineering roles, who have either experienced great discord in the workplace of lost there jobs for this very reason.

Hello,


Thank you for the continuing support and advice. My son is making very small but positive moves forward. Someone approached him at the gym today, asked him how old he was and gave him some advice about the weights he was lifting. This is the third or fourth time other members of the gym have talked to my son, complimented him on his form and given advice. At first I was suspicious (he is a very vulnerable 16 year old who looks younger than his age), but it seems that these are fellow gym enthusiasts who can recognise commitment in a young person. The fact that my son talks to them and takes what they say seriously gives me hope that my son can engage if he trusts someone and if the environment is safe.

I have also found two online modules that my son says he is willing to take. They are both short and quite inexpensive. Although they will not provide him with more social interaction, they will keep him engaged in learning and it may make his next steps easier.

I do worry about the future for both my sons. We are living in a very social world and I do feel the problems my sons experience with social interaction (either through autism or mental illness) will affect their life chances and increase their vulnerability. However, it is also important that they are not overwhelmed, so small steps are probably the ebest way forward.

Small steps is the approach we take as well. IMO if you put too much pressure on, you will create more problems than you solve, because they really need the foundational skills and if they can't manage in the situation they are in, they will implode.

Very sage advice. I have found my child (AS) tends to pick 'experts' out and hang off every word they say, while completely disregarding others who may actually really be quite experienced and knowledgeable. I don't seem to do this myself but I've heard it's a common trait. What this does mean though is that socialising can be very selective and narrow.

This all sounds very positive

Do make sure you look after your own well being too, as you seem to be a bit surrounded by us ASD's. We can be a bit self-obsessed and oblivious to other peoples problems.

I find the shop assistant/customer relationship good because it's a very simple form of interaction that follows a pattern, in fact I enjoy it. It's colleagues that I have really struggled with particularly in places less busy, it's all complicated and people think I'm being difficult I would never attempt to work in an office, I'm not surprised your colleagues have lost their jobs, but we are all a bit different, how do you manage it?

I guess it's a matter of "the grass is always greener on the other side." I have seen the opposite of what you describe. I've seen MBAs complaining about they should've gone onto a technical track instead. I've seen people switching from client-facing roles to technical roles as well. Also, if you look at the change in the US education (from kindergarten to high school), you will see a dramatic increase in emphasis on technical aspects. Furthermore, recently it was reported that US teenagers are postponing all adult-related behaviors (e.g.: alcohol, driving, dating, etc.) See https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/extended-adolescence-when-25-is-the-new-181/.

If anything, the neurotypical world is trending in the autistic direction. This is for a good reason: we already live inside the Technological Singularity. People are preparing themselves for a robotic economy. It's a matter of survival.

It's also worth noting that companies after companies are welcoming prospect autistic employees.

To me, the emphasis on social and verbal aspects is precisely what has ruined the lives of millions of autistic children. I wish time could turn back and people hadn't wasted their children's early days in all those meaningless and harmful social skill development, behavioral correction and speech therapy. It's just sad to see children becoming underdeveloped due to our society's ignorance about autism. Most become adults stuck with sensory and anxiety issues, have low self-esteem, and can only hold low level jobs, if any. Many go on to take prescription drugs. Some even become violent in school. The number one lie about autism is that these children are sick/defective and must be taught to socialize. Our society spends too much time in "treatment" of autistic children, to the point of completely forgetting to develop them. When people look back in another 20 or 30 years, they will feel so much shame.

To be more direct: I don't think you should perpetuate the notion about "social skills are paramount." It's not only not true, but it's also harmful to the proper development of autistic children. There is absolutely no need to teach autistic children to talk, or to socialize. They'll pick up these skills on their own, when they are properly developed. There is a different way of developing these children. These children are not defective. Our society is. Our society is ignorant, and is dangerous to the development of these children.