Parents' embarrassment about their kids' AS

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Sometimes my mother would talk to my father about how I probably had AS, or how I had AS, and she would refer to it as "that... thing" or "that bloody thing" or "that stupid thing" or "that Asperger's" or "people who have... that..." (the emphasis on the "that" being very slight)... it drove me nuts! She said it with such embarrassed disdain!

Thank you for posting this.

I recently explained AS to my mother. She immediately went and looked it up and called me back and said she was in utter shock how much it fit. She went on saying, "Some of the things you used to say! One time we were in a store and it was crowded and I leaned over to whisper something to you and you said, very loudly and matter-of-factly, 'Your breath STINKS!' and I wanted to shrivel away in humiliation!" I said yeah, probably because you smoke and your breath did stink. I didn't know how to filter that type of honesty as a kid, and sounds and smells are my biggest problem areas.

She said, "Well, looking back at a lot of things, it's less hurtful the things you'd say. If we'd known there were...issues..."

Issues? Later in the talk, it was referred to as "problems" and "a thing" and so forth. I kept correcting her, "Mother, it's AS or Asperger's. It's not a filthy, dirty word, you can say it." She still didn't, of course, like it's someting to be embarassed of.

Mum now realises a lot of funny things I did as a child and younger adult were due to the Aspergers. I think she can be a bit embarrassed sometimes but she does her best to understand. Smells were and are a big issue and I would say things like "oh poo! did somebody fart in here?" or "something stinks!! !".

so sorry you were treated that way

That's why I quit going to autism meetings. The parents all just sit there and complain how they hate their kids. Or how their autistic children have "ruin" their lives. All the child did was be born; its not their fault. Maybe the parents should look at themselves. My own doctor has a AS teenager and she always complains about him at my appointments. But she acts like an Aspie too and her husband does big time. So I say be more careful who you babies with.

Parents should also admit it when they have AS themselves, instead of acting so superior. Over half the parents of the Aspies in our local group act like they are on the spectrum too. And both parents of one of the low spectrum autie kids acts like they are Aspies. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree!

I am sorry for your bad experiences. I am fortunate to be in a good support group here where I live and none of the parents complain about their kids (just the schools!!). We all do what we can to support each other, and our kids are always welcome to come to the meetings and give their input.

but getting back on topic, we don't feel any embarrasment about our sons AS, on the contrary we are very proud of them because they are so freakin' smart!! !

Oh goodness, I went to a meeting and this lady went on about her kid. He had health issues too, it wasn't just autism. Then she pled with the group, "Teach me how to love my child!"
I didn't go back.

I wish every child, teen, or adult who receives this treatment would tell their parents, "You embarrass me when you act like that and you make me feel like less of a person." That consistent feedback would be much more effective than one might think.

However, as for Asperger's people, I must point out that you guys are relatively new to the world stage. Consequently, we are all only beginning to recognize the contributions made by this unique group. Moreover, as technology grows, educational specialization is becoming imperative and the Asperger's person and similar "geeks" are quickly becoming the sought-out employee. Having managed research and design for many years, I've been there. I've hired, trained, and promoted the uniquely gifted geek and I have experienced the meetings in corporate America that sing their praises. Your ability to FOCUS, is unmatched. You guys have a brain chemistry that is highly marketable.

So, for all you Asperger's people, let me tell you. Your time is of recognition is blooming and it will certainly grow to full appreciation. There is no doubt. Over and over and over again, it is the "geek" in high school that turns out successful. There are numerous examples of this. Find them. Present them to your parents. Let them see that if Asperger's syndrome were a company, they should buy stock. It's future outlook for superior performance is a no-brainer. And quite frankly, that's what we non-Asperger's people need --- no-brainers.

I wish my employer valued me more like what you describe Climber. The company is always in desperation because they cannot get enough ethical employees who are fluent in English grammar and computer literate. In this day and age you wouldn't think it was a problem, but apparently it is.

I have a total absence of 15 minutes from work in the past year. I have a 99.1% quality rating and do almost twice the production that is required of me. Occasionally I get a pat on the back from my supe, but mostly I get ignored. I am in the top 10 in quality in the company, yet they recorded some data incorrectly and tried to threaten me with my job over quality yet I am one of the top people! Because my former supe had it in for me because I reported her for harrassment for constantly making fun of my Southern accent in front of others, she almost got me fired over this. Yet you say companies want people who do well and are dependable? This is a first I have heard. Companies I've worked at seem to be geared more towards NT personality, looks, who you will sleep with and who you are related to.

My mother used to act like me and Aspergers were two separate people instead of that it was part of me. She say things like "Some days you are Aspergers and lot of the times, you are Beth." And when I was 16, she said to me one time, "I am so glad we have Beth back instead of you being Aspergers."

Yes, I've run into that kind of thing too and would like to be in a group where people aren't just complaining about how terrible it is that they have aspie children.

Sure, there is a time for discussing all the challenges of raising such children but I felt that hardly anybody wanted to listen to what I, as an adult Aspie, had to say.

One meeting I went to, this almost 9 year old aspie boy who had been playing really roughly with his little brother and the other adults, took my hand and wanted me to tell him what was in this fenced enclosure. Then he wanted me to press a button on his hand held game while he pressed another button.

He was kind of leaning on me a little bit and I thought it was pretty amazing, but he is already a handful for his mum and he will be even more when he is older and I probably won't see him again. I don't know why he was "good" for me but playing really roughly with the others because some of them had asperger's too

Ticker,

I'm sorry to hear about your job situation. Few things are more miserable than a unrewarding job. Unfortunately, there will always be companies who do not know how to value and treat their employees.

Could you suggest some companies that will value their employees, especially aspies?

I work for a large university, and it seems pretty Aspie-friendly here. The pay is a lot less than the private sector, but benefits like health insurance, paid vacation, and tuition reimbursement are above average.

I think a good way to find an Aspie-friendly workplace is to look for a workplace that has a lot of diversity among its employees. A workplace that can accommodate people from different ages, races, or cultural backgrounds usually is more concerned with the quality of its employees' work rather than the petty social stuff that Ticker described in his post.

Also, see how they are dressed. If there is plenty of variation in clothing colours and styles, the place is probably more tolerant of diversity.

Pandora,

I think what Cooper said is right on the mark.

However, Aspie-friendly companies are not necessarily good companies to work for. While they may have recognized the need for Aspie traits, they may not have learned how to treat employees. My point in my earlier post was more to say that the Aspie tendency toward knowledge specialization is becoming more and more in demand, and will continue to do so.

As for good companies, I can only suggest you go here:

http://money.cnn.com/magazines/fortune/ ... nies/2007/