I just need to vent.

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As a rule, I try not to complain about my 4 kids, and I generally enjoy them all. I can deal with all of the AS and the rigid thinking and having to plan and schedule around the needs of all of them. This morning, however, I just don't know if I'm going to make it through their adolescence. I want to lock myself in a room, have a good cry and stay there until they are 30. And I was warned that they would become more rigid as they got older, but I didn't realize just what that meant.

My 16 year old isn't bad. As long as his brown hoodies and beige pants are clean in the morning and he has time for his get ready routine, he is easy to live with. He doesn't have meltdowns anymore and can carry on a decent conversation. He's doing well.

The 13 year old is going to drive me crazy, and unfortunately, he's the one who is lowest on the spectrum. He has to have his pancakes every morning, he has to wait outside the bathroom door to say good morning to me before he can begin eating. He has to sit on the couch and watch the weather on the news. The list goes on and on. He is also the first one to be ready for school every day. The bad part is that he then follows us all around to make sure that we are doing things the way we are supposed to and we are following the rules. He goes on and on and on about things as silly as his sister wearing 2 different socks (all the rage in gr.2 these days). I tried to spend 5 extra minutes in the washroom just to get a break, but there he was giving me the low down on his sister through the door.

He has also decided that he is NOT wearing a coat or gloves or a hat to walk to school. We live in Canada. It was -3C this morning, which he knew because he watched the weather and gave me his report. He normally gets a ride from his grandma but this morning he decided to walk. After trying to get through to him for 45 minutes about why he needs a coat, I finally told him he had a choice, wear a coat and walk or wear a hoodie only and wait for a ride. He said he was walking, without a coat. He went on and on. He kept asking me why. He knows why, we've been having this conversation almost every morning for 2 weeks. When I got angry and told him to leave the room because I was done talking about it, he asked me what he did wrong. He knew what it was because as usual I made it very clear. That tells me that this isn't all about the AS, it's also about being stubborn teenager and being difficult on purpose.

I am really at my wits end with him. He used to be a great kid, and he followed the rules to a "T". He was quiet. Now he never stops nagging, at me, at his siblings, at the dogs if we all tell him we need to be left alone for awhile. And there is not one therapist that is useful. They all say the same thing, ignore, ignore, ignore. How do you ignore a 5' 10", teen with a deep booming voice when he is following you around and just will not stop. I am really surprised that his brothers haven't walloped him. Many other children would have. And there are no disciplinary measures that work because he is not attached to anything. Even the computer that he loves so much, can be forfeited if he wants his way. He just doesn't care.

If anyone has any ideas, I would sure appreciate them. And please don't give me the "He should listen because it's his job." or the "make him listen". He's 13, neither one of those works at 13.

It would be nice to have father figure that could help me out here but his dad lives 200 miles away, and is the "fun" guy, no rules, no worries. That really doesn't help at all.

Sorry for the rant! I'm just having one of those bad days. Things will improve,eventually, I hope. If not I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 7 years with him.

Lauri

Lauri

I can't offer advice - I'm in the same place as you right now, wondering how I'm going to get through the next few years with my 15yr old. I find the rigid thinking so hard to deal with - I just feel like banging my head against the proverbial brick wall!

Can offer a ((((hug)))) though - if that's any help?

Stay strong

Lorna

Hi Lauri

I don't have children in their teens years yet (mine are only 4 and 2) but I can see the pattern rigity increasing already. My daughter has to have her blanket a certain way, lullaby music must be playing and the door has to be at a very precise angle before she can sleep - or she has a meltdown. As a baby, she was so easy to please. We could change her environment on a whim, staying overnight on a trip or while visiting, and she had no problem. Now she would obsess over smoke detectors, lighting, shadows, blankets, etc. I hope the progression of rigid routines slows some, but if we continue on this path I may surpass you in the stress department

That said, I indentify with a lot of what you're saying about your son, thinking back to being his age. I refused winter coats because I hated the way they felt. I also hated being cold (still do) but the bulk and discomfort of the coat won out. When my mother pestered me to wear one, citing all the reasons I needed to, it just made me cling even more to the idea that it was awful. I think it was a combination of the icky sensory feeling, and the discomfort I had emotionally about knowing she wanted me to wear it and realizing I was going to disappoint her and hear a lot more nagging. I ended up throwing a winter coat away because I was so tired of the struggle. In my young mind, if the coat was gone, no more argument And where I live, our winter temperatures are pretty similar to Canada (Ontario). *shiver*

I think they key may be compromise. Forcing an AS teen to do something is often seen by them as loss of control on their part and bullying on your part (I know it isn't, but it's how they can feel). I wore warmer hoodies. Vests also worked nicely. If my hand were cold I tucked them into my sleeves or pockets. As long as my neck and torso were warm, I was okay. I think Aspies feel temperature differently, some of us.

I don't know if all my rambling was helpful, but I hope so. Having two ASD kids, I know some days can be very overwhelming. Mostly they are wonderful kids, but sometimes not lol

Thank you! My heart goes out to you, too. Understanding and a hug are just what I need. Unfortunately those don't happen when boys are teens and have AS on top of it. I may get the occasional touch on the shoulder. I never thought I would see the day when I missed them being little boys.

Strong will come back in a day or two, I'm sure. It always does.

Lauri

How about telling him he can go without wearing a coat as long as he's carrying it - if he's cold he'll put it on. If not, alot of aspies have higher body temperatures than usual so maybe he really isn't cold in that weather.

Of course I don't know how long the walk to school is.So that would determine whether or not this idea is actually feasible as you don't want him getting chapped skin or whatever on the way there

You are correct. He takes a long time to get cold. He really doesn't seem to feel it at all. That worries me because with the winds that we have here, he could get frostbite or hypothermia very easily. The walk to school take approx. 15 to 20 minutes which isn't that long, but I still worry.

I tried having him carry his coat. I got the usual, "Not cool, Mom!" answer. I don't know where he gets the need to be "cool" from. The rest of us are quite happy with our weirdness.

You know, as teenagers none of our 5 kids wanted to wear a coat. Hats, gloves- no way! Sneakers during winter, even though it was snowy and freezing. The school was too far to walk so they did have to ride the bus, along with all the other kids wearing sneakers and just hoodies. Thank goodness we live in Florida now.

Usually our aspie girl will listen to someone other than us. Maybe a favorite teacher?

Hope you feel better.

I talked to his school today about that issue, among other things. I had to call for an IPP meeting with his teachers, therapists and the principal because they are not doing what they are supposed to be doing. All I heard about was him needing to take personal responsibility for his education. If he isn't being allowed accomodations for his learning issues, personal responsibility means squat.

I'm going to go out on a limb and ask if your son is physically able to learn by natural consequences. Is there any physiological reason why he shouldn't learn from making the choice not to dress warmly in cold weather?

Yes, I believe he is able to learn and that was what I was hoping for this morning but nnoooooo. He still claims it was warm. But I will get him a warmer hoodie and a vest (thanks, Siuan )
He's a stubborn one, which may serve him well if he makes it through his teen years.

clap that ho
just kidding
GOOD GOD 5 10
and he's 13
I am 18 and 5 6
jesus (and I have a soft feminine-ish voice)

1) I'd kill them all
2) I'd grind them all
3) I'd to rule them all

But sadly, that doesn't seem to work. Either. I've tried fireworks but they just used it to throw on eachother! And it was TNT! Also tried some small nuclears but they didn't like it since they where so heavy. They just got more arms. And legs.

Remember this was a sarcastic posting meened/mean/ment/meaned to be somewhat funny.

/X

Sounds like something one of my boys would write. (Yours too, Kilroy)

man how freekishly tall kids are these days

***SMACK***

You got a big kiss.

Oh, and you're just so old!! Do you realize that you could technically still grow for another year or 2?

The tall kid"s doc says that based on his growth in the past, he will be about 6'5" when he is done growing. I'm only 5'2". He'll be able to pick me up and set me on a high shelf.