toddler won't stay in bed

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My son has been resisting sleep in one way or another since the day he was born. I won't bore you with the details, but he tends to be atypical in his needs, for example he could never be rocked or otherwise coaxed to sleep by an adult, like most other children seem to enjoy. He is supposedly neurotypical but his eye contact is not great and he has never liked to be held for any length of time.

His disposition is joyful, active, stubborn, and extremely low impulse control. The low impulse control problem is not typical toddler stuff. It is much more severe. He seems to be impaired socially in the sense that he does not care whether or not I am pleased by what he does. Adult approval is irrelevant to him.

His latest tactic is getting out of his crib an ungodly number of times before falling asleep and then getting out in the night, too. He has only been doing this for two days but I need it to stop soon because he also gravitates toward dangerous behaviors like climbing, trying to go outside alone, trying to play with appliances, etc. So in short this is a major safety issue. I had an aquaintance with a son whose disposition was very similar to my son's, and that boy drowned at this age.

I don't know what to do. I keep putting him back in bed as soon as he gets out, and he just keeps doing it anyhow. I'm scared that when I fall asleep tonight, he's going to get hurt.

My sister (who is normal) was a crib excaper. When she was really young (but old enough to walk), she kept getting out of her crib and nobody knew how. So one night me and my mom watched through a crack in the door. She was flipping herself over the rail. My mom freaked. The next day, they got her a toddler bed (small bed with partial sides) and that was better.

I only have terrible advice. My son was exactly like that, big for his age, and once he was in a toddler bed he wouldn't stay there. Though I made him lie down for naptime, he never took naps again, unless I took an hour+ drive in the car.

What did we do? We put him in bed and lie next to him, hunched over the bed. He'd still eventually wake up early and come to our bed. But we'd stay in his room for hours. This was from age 2-4 1/2.

If my husband and I wanted "chat time", we take a very long drive out of town.

What I would do differently is to skip the toddler bed and get a twin mattress so we could actually sleep with him.

My son never liked to be held after 8 mos. but he loves being cuddled now. He learned affection (how to do and request) from the Teletubbies.

Unfortunately the type of bed he is in doesn't seem to impact whether or not he gets out.

Oh, dear. I was afraid of that. Obviously his safety will have to come before my alone time in the evenings, but I'd be devastated to give it up... I'm the aspie in this duo and it's the only time I get to myself. I feel like I'll go nuts without it.

How old is your son now? Does he finally leave you alone at night?

I don't know if this has any relevance to your situation, but some people actually need less sleep than others. It is one of the many mysteries surrounding sleep and it may be genetic. Although it is not common, there are some people who naturally only need two or three hours of sleep per night, while others need ten. I learned this from a professor who did research on circadian rhythms. I wonder if your son might not need as much sleep as most people?

Oh, yes. I've cared for a child like that in the past.

Mine has always seemed to require a slightly above average amount of sleep for his age. Falling asleep has seldom come easily, but he functions best with about 10-12 hours of sleep at night, plus a 90 minute nap. I do wonder if there's something biologically different about him that impacts the falling to sleep process. I suspect we're dealing with a touch of ADHD, as it runs in the family and he generally avoids being still whenever possible.

By 5 years old, he was able to go to sleep "on his own"-meaning we could say good night and leave him alone and he'd go to sleep. At this time, he started going to sleep with the light on. That dissipated.
He's 7 now and goes to sleep with his night light. Sometimes, maybe once a month he'll crawl in bed with us in the morning. Mostly, he just gets up to play video games. He will still request that we sleep with him.

One thing that worked well is to get glow in the dark figures that he holds and watches fade away. It mesmerizes him. We've always had glow in the dark stickers (stars), planets and toys around. My husband and I also meditate with him (he doesn't know we're doing it). I meditate on trains and my husband meditates on something else, the ocean I think.

My husband and I are both Aspie and when my son was a toddler, my husband worked very hard-like 60 hours a week. It wasn't easy at all. Sleep-deprived, depressed and feeling trapped by our lifestyle choices. We moved and changed jobs and acquired some services (babysitting, longer school days). My husband took over the parenting while my son was in preschool and he was wonderful with him. Now I'm keeping house again but my son is his own person these days, able to entertain himself and needing a mom in the background. My husband has a better work situation and we're able to balance parenting, being spouses and our own people a lot better. But yeah, those toddler years almost did us in.

I think co-sleeping with an adult-sized bed would have helped us a lot more. We were just stuck in this idea that he needed to sleep alone in that toddler bed and that we needed to "teach him how".

Toddlers getting out of their crib means they are ready for a big kid bed.

My parents told me I kept getting out of mine and I hated naps and going to bed so I be up late with them.

To get me to sleep, they take me out for a ride in the car in my car seat till I fell asleep and they bring me home and sometimes I would wake up and they would have to do it all over again. When I was a year old, my mother would have me in bed with her and I be crying trying to squirm to get out of her arms and she be thinking in her head "Why can't you take a nap, I'm tired."
My mom worked night shifts as a nurse and she come home like at four in the morning and then two hours later she had to get up again because I always woke up at six and my dad always had to work so my mother was forced to stay up because of me. I wonder why didn't she just leave me in my crib screaming so she could sleep. I'm sure I didn't get out of my crib then yet.

As for naps, my parents gave up trying to put me down for them so at bed time I be over tired so I had troubles with falling asleep. I guess I've always had sleeping troubles. My mother always gave me some medicine that helps you sleep at night. Left this white mark on my front tooth.

HI,
I really feel your pain. My son is 11 and I sadly never considered him sleeping thru the night. We were very late on his Autism Dx (last june in fact). The Oct before last I had joined a pdd group similar to this one and started learning about melatonin. I finely tried it last April and for the first time in his life he wasn't waking me up 3 times a night, every night. He was also falling asleep earlier than midnight and sleeping much much better.

When he was little, the only thing that worked was co-sleeping. It was a hassle, but not as much of a hassle as missing the sleep I was missing night after night.

Now as a toddler I would not recommend Melatonin, but it maybe something you might consider when he's more like 5 or 6 ish. I know it has been a dream come true for us and him, as now he gets a full nights sleep and so do I.

Good luck!
Lainie

I feel your pain. Our 3.5 year old was like this for a bit. Our pediatrician said to get a twin bed and put the box spring and mattress on the floor at first (so it is low) with a bedrail, so that atleast he wouldn't get hurt getting out of bed...then he said that we should establish a regimented bedtime routine (bbrush teeth, potty, drink, story, etc..) and then lights out and tuck him in with a "buddy", if he gets out, you say "time for bed" and put him back in his bed with a kiss....2nd time, all you say is "bedtime, "you child's name here"...and put him back to bed (no kiss/cuddle/extra attention)...third time, no words, no attention just tuck him back in....repeat over and over until he conks himself out. You may want to get a great night's sleep however you can the night before if you decide to try this....the first night is rough--J got up 16 times and we were ready to kill ourselves but we stuck with it, and nomatter how much of a fuss he made or how many times he got out we didn't talk to him or give him the extra cuddles/attention he was looking for and the next night he got up only 5 times, and it just got better from there. If he didn't get the attention (negative or positive) from us, he got bored of it. Maybe this will help you, no way to tell. I would install deadbolts up high on the exterior doors so atleast he can't get out of the house and unplug any unsafe appliances you can--yikes. I never wanted to sleep in with J or have him in our bed for the same reasons as you-- I am selfish with my ME time

Kate

Your son's temperament sounds a lot like me actually, Gwen.

My Mom's approval never guided what I did. I don't think I was that active though... I was more internalized... I think.

I have a distinct memory of my Mom blowing up in a fit of rage and flipping a table in my room, because I disobeyed over schoolwork... I think. My exact reaction was, "boy she's really overreacting to this", "it's going to take a long time to clean this up."

Also, when she would lecture and yell at me... specifically about something I really had no control over... I would laugh at her. It wasn't a vindictive, laugh in your face sort of thing (though I am sure this is how it came across). It was my emotional response just like cowering in fear or crying for sympathy is to someone else.

I'm not a parent or really know how much your child is like me... but I think the best way I learned is some really hard consequences. Consequences that don't come from any social construct between me and the disciplinarian. Otherwise it's the system that's at fault, not me. Just consequences that sort of exist in the natural reality of the world...

If he's climbing out of the crib get rid of it immediately. Climbing in and out loosens the screws and creates a serious hazard. I had one child slip through the base and the side of a crib due to loose bolts and I shudder to think what would have happened had I not been within earshot.

My advice is to get rid of the crib, place a mattress directly on the floor, super-childproof the room, and lock the door and/or put up a gate at night. If he tries to get outside lock the door to outside as well. It's just not worth the risk. Once he realizes that he's stuck for the night he might be upset but he'll eventually adjust. My son was fine with this set-up, he couldn't take being in a crib either but as long as he had free roam of his room he was ok.

If you're sharing a room with him though, I don't know what you can do.

Believe it or not try this,
during the day time hours just in case it keeps the child awake instead of helping him/her sleep, sometime in the late afternoon, add some coffee to the milk, just a little, just enough to flavor the milk, some children it slows them down enough to help them sleep, if it works, then try it right before bed time, if it does work be aware it may make them sleep lightly, but lightly is better then the child being up and about in the nights, also many children even when awake stay in bed or the bedroom if ALL the lights are turned off in the home and the bedroom door closed (if the child sleeps in the same room, if not leave it open), or leave the only light on a night-light "In your own room" so the child may gravitate to your room instead of the rest of the house.

LOL at least you didn't suggest slipping him beer in his bottle!

You could also give him chamomile tincture-- it's safe and two dropperfuls might knock him out, so to speak. 1 dropperful is equivalent to one cup of tea.

I am sorry,
I fail to see the humor in that statement,
I would NEVER suggest giving a child alcohol.