My mom makes my Asperger's sound like an excuse only

Post Reply New Topic

I am 19 and I have Asperger's. I was recently diagnosed at the age of 19. My mom doesn't want me to be open at all about my diagnosis because she says that if people know about my asperger's then I will use that as an excuse and I will not bother to change my behavior and hide my quirks. I don't think that is a fair assumption. My whole life I have been trying to act "normal" so why would I stop now. And I feel that I deserve the "excuse" for things that I can't help such as my social awkwardness and other oddities.

What do you expect of your AS kids and their diagnosis? Do you think this is fair? What do you do?

I would encourage my ASD children to be all they can be, and to be themselves. However, I would also seek to have them learn how to socialise - which it seems you are doing. My psychologist is teaching me how to socialise and i'm slowly getting there (at $100 an hour, you'd hope so).

In any case, if nobody has said it already, welcome. You're among friends here, people who understand what you're going through.

There are some people that resent any form of extra attention or treatment given to others with disabilities. My dad once complained about the handicapped ramps being installed in public buildings and spoke to the effect that:

1) If people are so concerned about the wheelchair-bound, then why don't they simply run their errands for them.

2) Too much bother is being made for "useless cripples" (his words, not mine).

3) The world would be a better place if "cripples" would just stay home and out of sight.

4) Besides, "cripples" just love using their conditions as an excuse to get out of trouble and get people to feel sorry for them and make life easier for them.

Then he found out that I had a heart condition and asthma, and afterwards acted as if it were the most embarrassing thing that I could have ever done to him. He refused to introduce me to his friends, and lectured me heavily on never-ever telling anybody that I was a "cripple" (how I really hate that word). He belittled me at every opportunity, calling me "weak" and "spastic" and worse.

Fortunately, he died before I could be diagnosed with Asperger's.

Has he been more supportive, he would not have been exposed for being the abusive bully that he was. As it was, as soon as I turned 18, I struck out on my own, put myself through college, endured 6 years of military life, and never moved back to my hometown.

I'm sorry ... I seem to have gotten off on a rant ... ahh, let it stand.

I advise that if you can support yourself, that you move out of your mom's home and do so. Tell just a few trusted people about being an Aspie - I haven't told my wife, for fear that even this saintly woman would treat me differently.

As far as Aspieness being an "excuse" - it isn't. It's a reason. Excuses are what you use after you've done something wrong so that you can stay out of trouble. Reasons are the causes for doing what you do in the first place - they explain things rather than mitigate them.

Your mother fears for you, and likely also fears that your Aspieness will become a "crutch" that will keep you from ever becoming a success - or even moving out of her house.

Do what you need to do.

-Fnord

f to want to find an excuse for something, you will wothor without aspergers. You don't neeed to go announcing it to everyone but if it's relevant go ahead and mention it.

My son is 8 yrs old and has had an AS diagnosis for 2 years. We have only really shared his diagnosis with people who need to know (eg. teachers) and close friends. Partly this is because I would prefer to just have those who know him, to know about him, rather than it just being something a whole lot of people know and just think he'll be a "weirdo". The other part is that to some extent I want him to have the freedom to decide when he is older whether he wants people to know or not.

I think you should be free to decide who you want to disclose to. I do think it would probably help your friends and associates to understand you, and make allowances. To say that you will use your AS as an excuse to not improve behaviour sounds like you are being pushed too far into an NT mould. You already have enough to cope with in life with having AS in itself, so I really don't see why you need to carry the extra pressure of people thinking you will use AS as an excuse. I used to have the philosophy that I should try and help my son to be as NT as possible; now I just try and let him be himself as much as possible, and try and equip him to survive in the NT world.

You are not the label. It simply puts a name to a cluster of characterisitcs.

If the label helps you get something you need to sustain yourself, use it.

If it will help someone close to you understand you better, use it.

If you don't need it, don't use it.

You can pick and choose on a need to know basis.

you are who you are. the best thing you can do is to focus on improving what you can improve, and let go of the things you cannot change.

I think a lot of Aspies would like to explain what they are as a way of improving prospective relationships - as a kind of lubricant ... anything that will improve the prospect of making a friend.

I think rather than any kind of 'excuse' is actually an 'apology in advance' for the inevitable faux-pas that will occur ... a means if you will, of saying 'please don't take offence at the occasional faux-pas I may commit'.

I think the last thing on any Aspies' mind is gaining some kind of unfair advantage from society or individuals.
It's merely a behavioural apology.

Put in this context, I think it acceptable for the honest Aspie to say to prospective friends 'Look, I'm a bit of a social klutz sometimes - but it's out of blindness rather than malice'.

And at the end of the day, folk will find this out for themselves if they stick around long enough to find out.
So in a way, why not tell them in advance - so they don't get hold of the wrong end of the stick ?

Shoot, it's probably gunna go tits-up anyway - so why not try something different ?

Parents hate the idea of a child stigmatizing himself because they feel it stigmatizes them and the family.

Well, it's the child's life and the child needs to learn by his or her own mistakes.

The outcome's unlikely to be a great deal worse - and if it means the child being a lot more confident as a consequence of his openness, then he has a greater chance of succeeding in life.

There's only one thing worse than making a mistake .... and that's making someone else's mistake.

It's your life.
It won't last long.
So own it and enjoy it.

I agree to a point, but the problem is the non-understanding population of society have become very crude in their lack of understanding. Most parents would want to protect their children from that, but it's inevitable that one will meet this type of person and then will need to know how to handle the situation as well.

Some will want to understand, others won't care, and still others who don't respect diversity at all will seek to do harm. It happens to NT's as well, not just exclusive to AS.

AS most certainly is NOT an "excuse," as others have said, but something you may at times share in order to help build bridges of understanding.

That said, I find that I rarely use the term "Aspergers" when referring to my son, outside of this forum, and other spectrum parents locally seem to be the same. In large part, I guess, because so many people have so many wrong assumptions connected to the term. I have found it more useful to speak in terms of more specific concerns, like: "my son has sensory issues" or "my son has difficulty with his hands," or "my son doesn't usually pick up on non-verbal cues." Whatever area of problem that specific person is likely to encounter, followed by recommendations on how to interact most successfully with him.

EVERYONE has strengths and weaknesses, so framing something as a matter of fact weakness of yours shouldn't be a big deal. A bit like, "oops, I can be clumsy at times." I guess it's just a little easier for people to swallow and relate to.

Of course, if I'm talking to someone who understands Aspergers, they'll pick up on it right away, just from those little notes. Then we'll speak more broadly.

Long run, a term or label is only worth what it can accomplish for you. Each situation will be different, in that respect.

As far as being motivated to change your quirks, why should you be? Well, depending on which kinds of quirks we are talking about, lol (my son's desire to skip washing his hands - must change; his need to pace at home to self-calm - keep). But, still, as long as a quirk isn't holding you back from your own goals, or causing a health issue, what's the big deal? That a parent might be a little embarrassed? I would rather know that my child is comfortable in his own skin and happy.

I guess given the public's unawareness of AS and likely perception (mental illness rather than social disability), it would probably be more prudent to err on the side of discretion.

But it's understandable that an Aspie would seek to improve the prospects of social success by any means that might appear to stand a reasonable chance of success.

But as has been mooted, the probable risk may outweigh the potential rewards.

I wouldn't mention my Asperger's to anyone. If I am having trouble with something, I will say "this makes me uncomfortable" or "I have difficulties with this" and go not much further. I don't think there is a single symptom of AS that absolutely no NT has.

you make a good point CRACK, a very good point. Many NT's experience their own Autisms; the blips in their thinking etc. They just don't know that's what it is or how to relate it. But there are ways to explain.

For instance, many people can relate with driving in a car and suddenly not knowing where they are or how they got there, lost in thought. This would be an example of an Autistic blip. Or maybe being so involved with a project or interest they lost track of time. A song stuck in your head. the times when unexpected things happen that are frustrating such as realizing your car battery is dead when you come out of the store. There are all sorts of ways to relate autism to others in ways they might understand.