Hubby and I just had a huge fight.

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Mostly about our son (9, Asperger's) and school.

He's in complete denial.
Say's Asperger's is a b^llsh!t thing made up by the schools like ADHD,
our son will outgrow this,
the school needs more extreme discipline and to change their ways,
I have been wasting his money with social skills and therapy for the last 4 years,
blah blah blah.....
And here I thought he was on board with all this.

I think he was just lashing out for someone or something to blame
because "he can't fix the problem" or make it go away

He cannot accept this.

not fun.

Ooh, that realy sucks! Hubby and I butt heads(both Aspies BTW) when it comes to dealing with our ASD 10 y/o daughter. He's too hard on her, puts too much pressure on her, teases her, and can be downright mean at times. He's very much like my own Aspie father in this way- in the way he treated me. So I think I understand Allaura a bit better and what she needs and what motivates her. He's a "deal with it and get over yourself" kind of person. It drives me nuts at times. HE goads her and makes things worse. Ic an't tell you how often she's been ont he verge of a meltdown and he's the one who pushed her over the edge. No fun.

Well first off, do you have a diagnosis? If so then your husband doesn't have much ground for his argument and you can be sure that it is something like denial.

As for him accepting aspergers, my guess is he's got a pretty negative opinion of it. If you hang around here you'll find a lot of autistic pride and such. Social skills will come with experience. Aspergers people generally have higher I.Q.'s. We aren't easily influenced by social convention, but can learn to use it skillfully. Our introverted nature makes us strong as individuals. We are more honest than most. We can think with pure logic (or with pure emotion). There are a lot of other things. My point is, there are positive aspects to look at. Autism cannot be seen as a curse, because that perception is damaging. I lived in terrible self pity for years, using autism as an excuse, because my whole life I had been told I was less than normal.

Good luck with your husband.

Yes - official diagnosis from a Neuropsychologist (she actually has a PH.D in Neuropsychology and Pharmacology - I'd say that's official enough! LOL! She teaches, is on the board at the hospital, and works with two clinics.)

My son has been going to a social group for 4 years and starting a second one in a few weeks. He also sees a behavior psychologist (almost a year now) and she specializes in working with Asperger's children. The behavior psychologist did an observation of our son at school and she is very concerned. My husband is being so bull-headed about the whole thing! UGH!!

But thank you for the luck! I think I'm going to need it!

Bingo.

Well, that is my educated guess, anyway.

It would be a whole lot easier if it was just a discipline issue, wouldn't it?

I am sorry that he is having so much trouble with it right now. As if you needed THAT, eh?

Or maybe he's stressed out about something else that he isn't discussing with you.

Picklejah,

Some people just can not be reasoned with when they get a good 'Mad-On'. Wait until he cools down, and see if he will be more reasonable.

I wish I had better advice for you, but my track record in crisis resolution ain't so good. Your hubby seems to have the same attitude about your son's condition as my dad had about mine ... if it wasn't the belt, then it was the back of his hand.

F.

Oh -- that's so sad. I'm sorry your childhood was not very happy for you.

Thankfully, my husband does not use that type of discipline. He will force my son to do things, do it my husbands way or do it over, and do it NOW! An example: last weekend it rained in the morning. This changed my husband schedule to trim the hedges & bushes outside. So he started late in the day and told my son he was going to help. Now - I have no objection about doing chores. I think chores are an important part of growing up and learning responsibility. But ..... if it goes 1-1/2 hours BEYOND the time my son eats dinner (reminding you that my son is VERY scheduled) - no WONDER he's having meltdowns at that point! DUH! But hubby makes him finish.

Unfortunately, he will alienate my son and not have a close relationship with him. At 9 years old, my son does not like his father. He has never said "I love you" to my husband.

After you read the following to hubby, ask him if this is how he wants his son to remember him:

My dad was a very strict man. He wanted things done a certain way, in a certain amount of time, with very certain results. If I did it right, I took too long. If I did it quickly, I did it wrong. If I did it quickly and correctly, then I should have been doing something else instead ... or I didn't have the right attitude ... or I got my clothes dirty ... or my hair wasn't combed ... or ... he always found something, and the punishment was always the same.

One week after high school graduation, I left home, hoping that when I came back he would tell me "Well Done." nearly 30 years later, after having acquired my college degree, married, raised a family, and secured a nice home, a well-paying job, and a good reputation in my field, I finally did go back. He wouldn't speak to me. He barely paid attention when I spoke to him, trying to get a decent response. After a while, I left again.

3 months later, he died of a heart attack, alone in his room. He never even made it out of bed.

It's been almost five years since I last saw my dad alive. If there is one question that I could ask him, it's "What did I do to make you hate me?"

Know this, the Good Book says, "Honour your father and your mother..." but it also says, "Bear no false witness against others." Aside from the 'Honor' I can give my dad for having allowed me to live until I could leave, there is not much to say. So I tell the truth about him.

He was a mean, stinking drunk whose only means of encouragement were ridicule and beatings. Had he tried to be more of a 'daddy' than an authoritarian father, I would have better things to remember and say about him.

But all I have is the truth.

I'd question his view on aspergers. Then educate him, hopefully he will learn how to raise his child better. Must be wondering what the problem is if he doing things forcedly HIS way

From looking at how you've explained your husband's behavior, I'm guessing that he doesn't have autism or had any experience with it besides with his son?

I'd suggest explaining to your husband that the behaviors of someone with Asperger's or autism is very different than someone without any autism at all. If that doesn't work, then you may have to show him people with autism and Asperger's so he can see the differences for himself.

Hope this has been helpful.

Edit: If your husband forces your son to work, then your son will probably start to develop a feeling of sadness, fear, anger, and/or even a feeling of killing your husband later on. (Which I have, but starting to reconsider since my father has changed his behavior quite a bit)

maybe getting an outside source to talk to him rather than you personally trying to convince him that AS is indeed a real neurological disorder
\

Did that.
Twice.

Still blames "the system".

Me thinks the apple did not fall far from the tree.

I agree with both perspectives; that of AS being a genetically determined neurological difference, ( maybe acted on/interacted with by chemical and other epigenetic factors in very early life, incl in-utero ) , but also that society makes difference into disability/disorder.

I think that most of the problems that AS children experience in school are the result of school being adapted to/"enabling for" certain neurological types, ( NT ), and that society until 100 years ago was more sympathetic to AS "personality"/differences; slower, quieter, with more clearly codified social behaviour, relatively established lifelong career structures, etc etc.

Aspergers/AS etc are just names that society has given to behaviours, ( that it has chosen to group/bracket together ), behaviours to which society is not currently adapted/is not currently enabling, and which are thus disadvantaged.

A teacher somewhere, ( see John Taylor Gatto's site on schools), admitted openly, if not in writing, to a visiting psychologist that a boy in her class diagnosed with ADHD was probably just chronically and painfully bored, but that this is "not acceptable", is labelled a disorder, in our society, because, as the teacher said, children have to learn to handle boredom because otherwise no hope in the job market.

.

Last edited by ouinon on 11 Sep 2008, 9:51 am, edited 3 times in total.

nice avatar OP!

My ex husband doesn't believe in Asperger's. I've stopped trying to educate him. He will never accept the diagnosis. As for my son, he finds a way to cope when he's with his dad. It is not easy for him because his dad doesn't make any accomodations for our son's routines, interests, and anxieties. But, he'll get through it and I think he won't have much use for his dad when he turns 18.

As for your situation, maybe your son doesn't need all of those social skills classes, plus the behavior therapy. I understand that he has Asperger's, but maybe your husband is right about all the therapies being too $$$.

I read a study a very long time ago. Mothers tend to be more pessimistic about the diagnosis than fathers. Fathers really think that things will work themselves out in the end, whereas mothers get frantic (and i'm guilty of this too).