For adult aspie women and parents of....

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What would you have done differently now looking back? Would you have given more or less attention to idosycratic behaviors? Were you the first born or what was your birth order? Were you an only child? What was in your opinion your father/mother/sibling effect on your childhood/adolesence?? What lessons would you want parents to have now looking back on your childhood? What more can I do for my aspie child?? Is just unconditional love enough or did you want more from your school? Less attention from your parents or more? Were you relieved to discover your diagnosis, at what age? What did you feel? Were you glad or disappointed to get the diagnosis at that point in your life? What do you feel are the hardest parts of being an aspie female? What could the system (parents/school/friends) do to help you when you look back now? Basically WHAT CAN A MOTHER DO THAT LOVES HER ASPIE AND WANTS TO DO THE BEST SHE CAN FOR HER CHILD????? Should I just wing it and love my child and go with my gut or do I let the school/therpaist steer the ship???? Where do parents turn for support and help? Is it better to develop myself and be happy or focus mainly on my aspie child??? Please help me. All I desire in my life is for my child to be happy. I just seem to be missing the boat on this one. I try everything I can, am educated, loving, and doing my very best but still dont' really know what DD needs/wants. I wish I could freeze time and figure it all out but I know I cannot. Any other mom out there that feels like this??? Thanks for listening/responding. Lucy

Good Questions, Lucy.
You ask a lot of questions but I can see with only 10 posts on WP.net, we don't know much about you, or why you are asking all these questions.

so. . why do you want to know?

Merle
Moderator

Basically all I want to know is everything I have asked. I am a mother who loves her child and is desperately seeking advice/help/support on all. My 11 year-old DD is having a lot of trouble and we are having her evaluated for AS versus Emotional Disorder. I love my DD and just was curious how poople would answer. U would love to hear from aspie women what they went through as children and what their parents could or did that helped them. It is a mystery to me at times how I should best help my DD. The therapist I have is not really helping, the teachers are trying, but as I wait for the IEP to come in I am curious what MOMS have to say or WOMEN that are Aspies have to say about what mistakes their parents made or what was helpful. You see my DH is in denial and I am basically alone in this. I am trying desperately to make sense of this and do what's best. Just wondering if there is any one thing that could make a difference to my child from retrospect?

Thank you for your prompt reply. During the Christmas Break we get a lot of Psychology and Psychiatry students asking questions or sparking discussions and use the resultant thread for their research papers.

It is just good to know is all

I am a woman Aspie, I learned at age 56. I am not even certain what a DD is, however I know a DH is a Dear Husband. What is a DD ?

Merle

"DD" is my dearest daughter. She is my only daughter. My oldest and my most special and different child. I had the hardest labor/delivery with her. I have had the hardest challenges emotionally with her. She is my goal in my life. If I can raise her to be a happy, healthy, productive individual and live her life to the greatest of her amazing potential I will have lived a good life. Now my DS (dear son) in "normal" and although I love him just as much, I know that I will not have to devote as much of myself to his making. This sounds terrible but it is the truth. Some children come into this world requiring more and this is what I know as a mother. My son will do fine with the love/attention he gets. He hopefully will be a stronger person having a disabled silbling. But honestly I know my life will be looking after my aspie dd.

How is my 11 year-old DD disabled??

She is first and foremost extremely creative aqnd academically advanced. She writes short stories that I feel are NY Times like ( I am an advid reader). She has a memory that is uncanny. She is loyal and honest to a fault. She is truly "what you see is what you get" but in the real world that can mean "weird".

Her disabilities include:

1. Not fitting in. Making a spectacle of herself at times to make up for mistakes and/or get attention.
2. Over reacting to small upsets.
3. Comparing herself obsessively to others to the point where she gives up, ends a good friendship, and/or embarasses herself.
4. Apologizes profusely.
5. Low self esteem and doubts herself.
6. Tests her boundaries with sibling. (He knows how to "push" her buttons.)
7. Frequent emotional outbursts in class in front of the other kids. Labelled "a cry baby...something wrong with"
8. cannot show emotion when called for (when friend says Dad died looks away and does not try and console but feels emotion)
9. laughs inappropriately but desperately wants to "fit in" with the "in/popular crowd"
10. Humor is funny but adult like and not geared towards peers her own age
11, Approx. three years behind socially developmentally. Acts like a seven year-old when eleven years-old.

HELP ME HELP HER PLEASE!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!
LUCY

but Lucy. you have just decribed me!

I don't consider myself disabled. I have a job and take care of my self. I could have had a husband and children if I chosen to. Many other older Aspies have had everything out of life anyone could. We just mature slower than most folks, is all.

I just want you to know that those issues are not insurmountable. I thought she was physically deformed or had cerebral palsy or multiple sclerosis or something.

Merle

but they stink for making success in the real world, dont they? Or maybe I am just naaive and really any great genius has been faulted by irregularity or "weirdness" in this world?

My DD just plain does not fit in. She is what others probably in time will call a "nerd" or "freak". She laughs at things inappropriately, she comments about things no one is attending to, she sees things that no one else sees but yet has some meaning whether obscure or not.

So basically she is DIFFERENT AND IF SHE DOES HAVE ASPERGERS SHE IS ONE OF THE FEW INTELLIGENT, RARE, INDIVIDUALS THAT CAN SEE THINGS NORMALS CANNOT????


That's how I chose to view my child. SHE IS FREAKING EXTRAORDINARY. SHE IS RARE. SHE IS SUPER BRIGHT. SHE IS GENIUS. SHE IS ABOVE ALL THE NONSENSICAL NOISE THAT ALLUDES US ALL IN LIFE. It just might be that our children are the next Emily Dickinsion, Bill Gates, Abraham Lincolns of this post modern world.

If nothing else believe in their ability. Screw the "normal" world, it stinks...alll of us know that for darn fact. Let the "different " ones find their ways and make a difference.

As a parent my philosophy will be to teach my DD that she is freaking EXTRAORDINARY! SHE is the one that will CHANGE THE WORLD. NOT THOSE WHO CONFORM TO THE NORMS OF SOCIETY!! !

THE ONES WHO SEE THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY ARE THE ONES WHO CAN MAKE A REAL DIFFERENCE!! OUR CHILDREN ARE GIFTED BEYOND WORDS, THEY AR SPECIAL, THEY ARE REAL, THEY ARE CREATIVE AND GENIUNE!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

and she might be a little freaked out by all the exclamation points, Lucy. I am sorry you are so distressed by what you see as a disability to fit into the world as you know it.

I don't know life any other way from the way your daughter is, Lucy, so I can't say I miss what you want for your child. I do know from being on WP for a couple of years that she can probably be what ever suits her fancy. Aspies are amazingly adaptive when we find something that occupies our interests.

I was at one of Dr. Attwood's recent seminars about young women and Asperger's Syndrome, so I am familiar with what was disseminated. He is right, women and girls do present AS differently. Have you read " The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood? It might help you address some of your fears and lighten your distress.

sincerely,

Merle

Hi Lucy, first of all it is not the end of the world. Yes your daughter is different but I don't see it as a disability (parent's point of view, I don't have AS) more like difficulties.
I felt quite similar to you when I got the dx of high functioning autism (similar to aspergers) with my son (dx of dev delay taking abit longer tho). I have finally accepted it. It has been a long hard road for ME. Some days can be like hell, others I just see him as him.
As a parent you have to change the way you think, adapt to your child's world and try to see it like them. It is hard tho!
Little example for you, my son, he is 6, just LOVES buses. With his talent I no longer need a bus timetable!! ! He has memorised all the important bus routes, he knows all the bus numbers and where they go.
Yes you will go through all these emotions but you will get there! When my son was newly diagnosed this place helped alot!
I wish my child could conform to the norms of society but he is doing ok so far.

Hi Lucy,

I am an AS woman raising an AS son and MFA son. First I'm going to start with the mother side of me, and then the person side. I hope you're able to follow, but I would like to make the distinction ahead of time.

For me, I have never thought of my children as disabled, nor a burden. When people give their sympathies after I tell them the kids' diagnoses, I abruptly tell them that there is no need for sympathy. I tell them it's just a different way of thinking. I already know how my MFA son will succeed in life, computers. He's 4 yrs old and can do anything on the computer that doesn't require heavy reading. I chose to use computers to help him learn. It's all about using what he knows to help him excel.

Where as my AS son, he will be able to do whatever he wants. He can literally do whatever he puts his mind to. You should see some of the incredibly accurate art work he does. While it's only peel and stick things, it is amazing that he already has the proportions down.

(changing to person role)
My AS son is much like me. I can do anything I put my mind too. I know we are all told this growing up, but I mean it in a much more literal way. When my children were diagnosed, I automatically researched everything.. I mean EVERYTHING.. I could get my hands on. Shortly after I met a wonderful OT, and I knew all her technical terms, I even translated much of what she was doing to totally different applications. She stopped me one day and asked if I went to school for that sort of stuff. When I told her no, she told me I act like I have and thought I should pursue a career in OT. Anything I decide I want to do, I could literally do it.

My mom really helped me by ingraining that in me. She didn't realize at that point that I could really do anything I wanted. It was just what she told all of us. Usually that means to pick something you enjoy and go for it. She helped me by letting me focus on what I enjoyed (math and science). My dad also let me focus on that without question. It was a sad realization when I has surpassed both their knowledge in that.

What they could have done differently is really very particular in my case. I wish my parents would have realized my anxiety problems earlier. They weren't discovered until I was nearly ready to leave for my university. Because of that, I eventually had to drop out of getting a degree because the anxiety became too great and I didn't have supports in place to help me through that. (This is going to change because I will be going back this coming fall.) I have such great anxiety not only because of the AS, but because my father was an alcoholic. When you automatically have to second guess everything you do because of how he reacts, it can make you very anxious or depressed.. I went the way of anxiety.

BTW, I wasn't diagnosed with AS until shortly after my youngest was. While I was quite aware that I was more or less AS, I had been diagnosed with a plethora of anxiety issues prior to my AS diagnosis. It was only in July of this year that I got the official diagnosis. But now I'm in therapy (was prior) to help me behaviorally. This is not to say I have loads of meltdowns. This is more in the way I react to outside stimulus (namely people who are illogical). My behavior is anxiety. It's what I've learned to cope which is of course not healthy.

So there you go.

I really wouldn't change too much with how my parents raised me. But they COULD have given me more independance earlier.

My suggestion? Don't obsess over this. It's really not a big deal. It seems bad now, but middle school is always the most awkward time. People with AS who are treated normally won't develop as many hang-ups as people who are treated as having "disabilities" or even "difficulties". If you set low expectations for your daughter, she will not perform as well in life. Set high (although not unreasonable) expectations, and she will excel in the areas that she is strongest in.

I have a 14 y.o. son with Aspegers, and it is likely that I have it too. (I'm not formally diagnosed.) What I find works really well is to provide a very calm structured home environment for my son. School is rough even for those who fit in comfortably, but especially for those who march to the beat of their own drummer. As long as my son has a "safe" place to come home to he does ok. Also, he has made some friends outside of school who are younger that he is. He fits in well with the younger kids, and they look up to him.

What I can say now with the perspective of an adult Aspie is that it has as many benefits as it does drawbacks. I turned one of my obsessions into a great career, and when I was ready I learned all the social skills that I needed to get along well in the world. I will never be the life of the party; what I am now is a well liked, well respected fully functional member of society. School wasn't fun, but it all worked out in the end.

I wish my parents had encouraged my obsessions, because they were my strengths. As it was, I had to do this myself after leaving home, and this was the vehicle for my eventual independence. I know they were sick of hearing about cats, horses, goats, art, the books I was reading...but if they hadn't twarted these interests, I would have been out *doing* them more instead of talking nonstop about the topic. I could have been an artist (and to some extent, still am, in spite of them) or a veterinarian, but instead, I'm just now going to college. A few art classes, or riding classes, or a part time job at the vet's office doing scut work would have made me so happy and opened up new possibilities.

Also, they shouldn't have made fun of me for my aspie traits or punished me for them, although I wasn't diagnosed until I was 30. They shouldn't have threatened to put me in a nuthouse. They shouldn't have told me intelligence meant nothing and that I'd never amount to anything.