Parenting and Childhood Amnesia

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I'm sure you remember my thread about power. Here's the next edition. The phrase "childhood amnesia" doesn't refer to amnesia in children (which, when it happens, is unfortunate), but to parents' amnesia of their own childhood. I'm sure this is a less sensitive topic than parents' power, but if you still feel you might be offended, please do not proceed with the reading.

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I've come to realize that the minute their first child is born, most parents completely forget what it's really like to be a child. First of all, let's go over how most adults perceive childhood to be like. They imagine it to be a time of joy, magic, make-believe, and lack of responsibility. It's supposedly a simple time, consisting of happy songs, playing in the park, imaginative dreams, and spending every summer doing relaxing. The Disney Corporation provides plenty of kids' movies, cartoons, and live shows for children to enjoy. There is no need to go to work, pay taxes, worry about house maintenance, deal with an overbearing boss, cook food, shop for school supplies, and concern oneself with other adult responsibilities.

But let's come back to earth, and dispel the myth. So what if children don't have any adult responsibilities. Are they really that difficult? They don't take much time, and make adulthood really worth it. The downsides of being a child are far too many to count: they can't choose what to eat, can't control when to go to bed, can't avoid doing chores they don't feel like doing, can't watch TV or sit on the computer until 3:00am, and can't just buy a box of candy or a toy when they see it in a store. (This description overlaps with the list of parents' powers.) In most families, constantly have adults telling them what to do. And when a child gets older, parents start "caring" about their children's grades in school, which results in undue pressure on the child to please his parents. This is as unfair as it gets, since no one scolds adults at home for low performance at work. Yes, they get reprimanded by the boss, but at home, no one says anything. Not so with a child's grades in school.

The problem is further compounded by what parents do sometimes. They take their own feeling seriously, but generally brush off their children's feeling as "immature" or "irrelevant", even due to simply forgetting how they viewed the world as children. Let's say a parent throws out a child's art project while cleaning his desk, and the child cries when he finds it missing. Chances are, a parent will tell the child: "you should have cleaned your desk, then I wouldn't have thrown it out". Now, what if the situation was reversed? Namely, a child threw out a folder that a parent left on his or her desk. Would the parent still dismiss his/her own feeling as irrelevant, or somehow punish the child for touching his/her desk without permission?

In the end, if parents could remember their lives as children, threads like this one wouldn't even exist. But it seems like most parents have no memories of what life was like for them during childhood. They clearly remember the people, places, and things, but they don't seem to remember what life was like. And they don't seem to understand how unpleasant some parts of childhood are: being told what to do, having your desk "cleaned", worrying if your grades will please your parents, etc. If parents could realize that, then they could build families where happiness is mutual and universal.

I'm not trying to label all parents as ignorant blokes. But the way parents don't know what it really feels like to be a child just amazes me. How and why does it happen? What can be done to prevent this? Or is it a biological mechanism we can't control? How would parenting be different if childhood amnesia didn't exist? Or maybe I'm imagining it all, and this is coming across as an elaborate rant? Please post your answers, and point me in the right direction.

I heard back then parents used to think their kids wet their beds on purpose but now today we all understand why they do it. My question is if they thought their kids did it on purpose, didn't they do it too themselves and saw they didn't do it on purpose? So wouldn't they assume their own child didn't wet their bed on purpose? Well one of my online friends told me people forget they did it as kids or they don't really think about it. That explained their stupidity.

I remember, as a child, that there would be a rare, fleeting moment where everything would be fine. Yet, my parents would always have to "stir the pot" and generate some sort of conflict because they couldn't be happy unless they were in some sort of social war. For instance, they always fight with the neighbors over stupid stuff such as leaving ladders up against the side of the house. As for their control over me, getting good grades(at least until 4th grade) wasn't enough, and I had to spend every waking moment involved in some sort of activity or playing with "friends," who were kids I hated. My parents felt that I had to maximize my educational and social intake and that "down time" for me was unacceptable, but I really needed that down time after excruciating days at school. In fact, the type of person that they wanted me to become was the antithesis of who I am.

My parents would constantly bring play-dates over to our house or send me over to other kids' houses or have parties just so I would maximize my friend-making quota. My parents wanted me to have tons of friends and a torrid social life. In addition, anything short of As was unacceptable. My grades fell off the cliff in the 4th grade, so my parents began to punish me constantly in order to get me to "try harder." In fact, I was still trying hard, but the growing emphasis on group-work, independent complex projects, and creative writing was just too overwhelming for my animalistic brain. The social and academic demands were growing more complex as I drifted toward's middle school, and my brain wasn't keeping pace or adapting properly. My parents thought that I was choosing to fail and thus excoriated me with deprivations of all of my privileges until I would turn things around. Of course, I spent the next eight years failing, living in a constant state of misery and punishment that grew worse and worse by the day. I became too depressed to make any positive change. It was a toss-up as to which was more of a Golgotha, school or home. At home, I was at least away from the little preps/bullies, but at home, my mother kept me isolated in a bare room all night until I completed an assignment that my brain could barely process. In between, I would be dragged to the roller-rink or birthday parties in futile efforts to get me to socialize. Things were awful in those days.

I remember just sitting in a booth staring at the wall and my parents would threaten to take away my books or my socks if I didn't go join the group of kids and talk. I would go awkwardly try and join the crowd, but usually I would just hover near my peers and create some of the most awkward and pathetic scenes imaginable. My parents took me to all sorts of social places and youth activites, and I would just stand around with an empty expression on my face, with my mom trying to introduce other kids to me. Those other kids would ask themselves, "what is this loser doing here and what is his mom doing with him trying to get him to talk." Some of these kids were the same little worms who taunted me in school so I was just exponentially exposed to the humiliation. Many nights, my mom would drop me off at another kid's house and I would just sit in a chair and watch him play computer games for six hours. I was going back and forth between bored and miserable. I just wanted to read books and be alone but my parents had other plans for me.

So yeah, I know what it is like to be a miserable kid and for your folks to be "out of touch."

I can't help thinking that you are taking your own experiences of childhood, and how your parents behaved towards to you, and applying it pretty much to everyone.

Not much of what you say applies to my own experiences - as a child or as a parent.

I also think that you are perhaps being a little simplistic in the motives you attribute to parents.

Don't want to be offensive but that is total bollocks. I remember my childhood and how hard it was. I remember feeling totally inadequate. I remember my Father telling me that all I was to him was a financial burden.

When my sons were born I fell so totally in love with them that I have spent the entire time trying to make their childhoods happy. To bring them up feeling loved and respected. I'm sure I'm not alone. I'm also sure that there are still parents who should never be allowed to have children. But please don't tar us all with the same brush.

'Brusilov' I know for you it seems as though your parents didnt care about you and forced their idea of a good life on you. But as a parent I am seeing that your parents cared a great deal.

Do you know that it would have been far easier to allow you to sit in your room and let you read books all day?. But they decided that they would try to give you every opportunity to mix with your peers, and include you in everyday life. Even if now that looks like it may not have been the best thing to do, how were they to know that at the time? Do they listen to a child say "I dont want to do that"? Do they allow you shut yourself away as a kid?, when maybe the exposure to other kids may have helped you cope better in school etc. (just throwing things out from their perspective).

I wasnt a happy kid, and said the "I didnt ask to be born" statement!! and I do remember that when my kids are upset as I might be requesting that they do something that they dont want to do etc., that they didnt ask to be born either!!

I treat my kids with respect, and listen to them. Both things my parents didnt really do for me. So I do remember what I found difficult as a kid, and make every effort to ensure that my kids dont have the same difficulties.

I guess not all parents listen to their kids, and its just unfortunate that some kids just get unlucky with who their parents are.

Just make sure to remember how it is to be a kid, and if one day the chance comes to become a parent yourself, that is the time to be who you wish your parents were. xx

I think there are areas where the parent should enforce rules on the child, while there are others that should be left alone. Some parents get on a total power trip and want to control every aspect of their lives, to be total micromanagers. I never liked that at all.

My parents and my sister all wanted to do this, and it was really hard for me. It was almost like having 3 parents. My parents didn't allow us to play with neighborhood kids, and the only playmate I was allowed to have was my older sister who basically in everything had to have her own way and be in charge. She wouldn't budge or be flexible in anything, it was her way or the highway. That wasn't fun at all.

Later they became obsessed with me swimming and every summer, they'd force me into the pool whenever my sister went in, no choice at all. Their excuses were I needed exercise, or I needed to be balanced in my activities. One summer I wanted to build an electronics kit and was perfectly happy working all day on it, but my parents didn't like that because it wasn't swimming related. I was told I had to swim everyday since I ate everyday, which didn't make sense. Of course, sometimes my sister wouldn't want to swim, and nothing was said. Those days weren't very often, but it was nice to get an occasionaly reprieve, even if only for a day or two. Of course, it was never explained to me why she got a choice and I didn't, other than I was once told "she gets exercise and you don't."

It was around 5th grade or so my parents became obsessed with TV being a big problem. We didn't have cable, we only 5 broadcast channels coming in(which back in the 70s/80s, was relatively alot). They frequently would ban me from TV, which I didn't understand. I can remember one incident when my mother was mad at our private school so she decided to keep me home and start me over the next year. For almost 2 weeks, I stayed home, played, watched TV, etc. One day, my mother said "There will be no TV today, none whatsoever, until school work is done, the TV is unplugged." That really bugged since I wanted to watch TV, so what I ended up doing was going to my room to play, and played some solitaire while listening to a game show on a TV band radio. Mom walked in gave me a mean look and told me "You're supposed to be doing schoolwork," which didn't make sense to me because I hadn't been in school for almost 2 weeks. I went back to school the next day.

Sometimes, I fantasize about that scene playing out differently when I'm home alone. Sometimes I imitate Mom saying "There will be no TV today" and respond with some words I shouldn't type here, then I plop down on the couch and power up the flatscreen. If I could have only gotten away with that at 11.

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Mine thought their feelings were everything, but mind didn't matter at all. They didn't mind constantly putting me down, yelling at me, etc. I was never allowed to be unhappy, angry, or anything like that. It wasn't just that I wasn't allowed to express those feelings, I wasn't even allowed to have them. Of course, my older sister could have temper tantrums, run to her room and slam the door and it was OK in fact, they'd usually cave into what she wanted when she did that, while it was never tolerated from me.

That's something else parents do that I don't understand, enforce very blatant double standards and even when you point it out to them, they think it's perfectly natural to do that, like the feelings of one child matters, and the other doesn't.



There probably isn't much that can be done, some of it comes from the chance for vengence on what was done to them. Most abused children grow up to be abusers themselves. Few break the cycle, maybe threads like this might reach one or two.

Well I do have anterograde amnesia effectively due to my cognitive problems. Unfortunate is one way of putting it. Aslo a good reason why I'm not convinced i'd be a good parent.

However it is true, I don't think people think about their childhood that way. just because the can recall it doesn't mean they will have it in their thoughts for parenthood.

Here, the word "amnesia" isn't meant literally, and I'm sorry you have to go through the difficulties that come from having it. But really seems that many parents act like they went straight from birth to adulthood, and never experienced the unpleasant aspects of being a child. So they view it according to their own preconceived notions of "joy, magic, and make-believe", rather than the harsh reality of what it's really like.

Studies show that people remember much more of the bad stuff than the good stuff. I actually have to dig deep to bring the happy memories to the surface, because the bad ones rise up so much faster. How moody my dad was, how mean kids at school could be, pretty much every single time I felt embarassed out of my mind.

So, no, I don't think we suddenly see our lives as rosy through the act of having children. We just pretend we do, because otherwise you'd have to wonder why you dared bring a child into such a rotten world.

Reality was, despite my negatively distorted memories, I had a pretty decent childhood. My sisters and I did a project after my dad had a stroke, because he was depressed. The project was to write down for him all our memories of everything he did right. After all, over the years we had done a very good job of telling him everything he did wrong, and hadn't much bothered to remember or vocalize what he did right.

It was an amazing and eye opening exercise for all of us. I think it ended up being a bigger gift for us, as the authors, than for him, as the recipient.

As I said, psychologists know that bad experiences are usually remembered far more prominently than the good ones.

Childhood is a mixed bag, no one will deny that. As a parent, I work to be sure that my kids are going to enjoy a positive one. But my daughter still has times she insists I "never" do good thing A or B, when I know perfectly well that I just did, even in the last week. That selective memory thing, ya know. I promise, I have NEVER told her to consider herself lucky because her life is so "free" right now.

So I would suggest that it is your negative memory that is a little out of balance. It is perfectly normal; that is what drives us all to become, hopefully, better parents than we felt our own parents were.

The act of recall does not necessarily coincide with parenting decisions. that's the way people are. I have no idea about my parents childhood.

For me I don't remember good memories or bad memories especially. I mostly just remember some random memories (and no choice to recall on demand), and sometimes some memories which I suppose are quite unique and therefore more memorable (but could be good, bad or neither)

My parents just went about trying to develop me in a bumptious, ineffective, overbearing way. I know that they wanted the best for me(or their idea of what they felt was best,) but they used the same tried and mixed strategy of throwing time and money at the "problem." It was clear even by the time I was 8 or 9 that their current program of child development wasn't working but they stuck with the same agenda of constant pressure and exposure to intense social activities. They were convinced that I was choosing not to socialize, instead of not knowing how. They could not accept the fact that I might actually be mentally different and they were going to spare no effort to shape me like a lump of dough into the image that they had in their brains.

The whole thing about not being able to pick what you eat reminds me of something from my childhood that I most determinedly changed as a parent. My father would take us to a restaurant but then not allow us to order anything that cost more than what he ordered. What did he order? The swiss steak, the cheapest item on the menu. Which meant we had to order swiss steak. Never mind that he LIKED swiss steak while we didn't; if it was good enough for him, it was good enough for us. I would sit there and salivate at the delicious chicken I saw other people getting.

Hardly a life destroying situation, but one that I never got comfortable with.

When I take my kids to a restaurant, they have the run of the menu. Knowing that they must eat something that qualifies as "dinner" before ordering "desert," however. Why takes kids out if you won't allow them to order what appeals to them? I never got that about my dad. So I changed it. My kids LOVE eating out and have discovered quite a few new foods this way.

No amnesia here. Just some perspective. Yeah, I hated it enough to change it in my family. But not enough to grow up thinking my dad was wielding power for the fun of it.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 28 Apr 2009, 9:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Lot of children don't like to be grounded or punished or forced to eat something, told what to do, etc. But when they get older they realize their parents did what was best for them because they cared about them and their health. That is what good parents do. Bad parents let their kids run wild, be spoiled brats, bully others, don't ever discipline them or punish them or even teach them. So they grow up and do the same to their kids and full well know their kids don't like it but they know their kids will appreciate it as they get older and realize. Ones who don't are usually the brats so I bet they turn into bad parents by letting their kids run wild and bully others and stuff. Its not like they were starved or beaten, made to sleep in the garage or under the sink, psychology abused, burned on a hot stove, sexually abused, or allow someone to sexually abuse them, etc. Now those would be reasons to hate your parents about and not have anything to do with them vs normal parenting punishments.


Being a kid is all about learning responsibilities, learning things you need to know before you become an adult but that all changes when you become an adult because you are old enough to make your own decisions. Kids are too young to make them but they learn how as they get older like their parents might ask them what do they want to wear to school or what do they want for breakfast or what happy meal do they want or what movie do they want to rent, etc. Because it's how they learn to make them. You also let them make mistakes so they learn from them. The mistakes I wouldn't want my child to make would be if it would cost them their future or life.