What would have helped me as an Aspie child

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If someone would have realized the reason I never touched the toy I had begged for for so long is not that I hadn't really wanted it, but that I'd been told so many negatives things like "thats for boys" "you can't possibly like that" that by the time I got the toy I couldn't even look at it, with out feeling like I was being yelled at for having it

Last edited by Triangular_Trees on 28 Nov 2007, 8:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

People are such dick heads.

I just have to say that this post is SO close to my own experience, unfortunately. Yes, growing up with my extremely dysfunctional, abusive family...it was like The Twilight Zone, it was like Hell. Watching adults around me only reinforced my confusion in social situations. And when I'd come home crying about some kid bullying me or whatever, my mother would always say that was just what children do - so I fully expected that when I "grew up" and became an "adult," I would never have to deal with this again. BOY WAS I WRONG! And anyway I watched my "adult" parents behaving in incredibly childish ways so often. Yes the cops were called. But no charges were ever pressed. And I was supposed to play along like nothing happened, nothing was terribly WRONG in my household, I wasn't in danger, I wasn't so anxious and scared and sad and frustrated I began throwing up every morning before school and crying myself to sleep every day after. Nope, that sure didn't happen. Everything is JUST FINE.

I got a double, maybe triple-whammy: I was extremely intelligent, had lots of Aspie traits, was artistic, AND I was also adopted. And the oldest. And a girl. And my adoptive parents did not protect me from each other or themselves, or the bullies at school. I did not understand the concept of "bluffing" - I really thought if a kid claimed they could fight and were threatening me, they meant to really hurt me, and were capable of doing so. It didn't occur to me until much later that very often, the people who talk the loudest are the least able to back it up - that's why they resort to talking loud and being rude, to fake people into thinking they're tougher than they actually are. I was always afraid to fight, because I was never taught how (being a girl), and because I was always told I'd be spanked with a belt if I ever fought at school, and because honestly, I had so much pent-up anger and frustration, I was afraid that if I ever did let go and started wailing on someone, I might actually not stop until I'd seriously hurt or even killed them.

I wish they'd taught me to fight. I wish they'd been better role models. I wish they hadn't yelled at me and criticized me and mistrusted me. I WANTED to be honest, to have them engaged in my life. They just taught me that wasn't a good idea, not with them.

Oh - and I wish someone had believed me or "advocated" for me, EVER. After being assaulted on a school bus by three older boys at the age of 11, I was still brushed off and my mother even said, "Well, what did you do?" as in what did I do to ask for it?

My parents had messed-up priorities and would overreact majorly to a small thing, then underreact to real, present dangers. And my mother always told me I wasn't really feeling whatever I said I felt ("you're not really scared, hurt, angry, in love, whatever.") So I grew up doubting myself, mistrusting my instincts, and feeling like my entire socio-emotional wiring was all screwy.

All that said, I wish I could be a better parent to my Aspie son. I know I get frustrated and yell at him way too much.
I want better for him than what I had.

I'd want to be loved, trusted and respected, not given all this stuff I didn't want and denied stuff I wanted, and called a spoiled brat, or given stuff I didn't want as a guilt trip in exchange for being denied stuff I wanted/needed. I would want them to care about my mental health more than my physical health if you know what I mean, physical health and wellbeing are important but if not letting your kid risk doing some stuff that might be dangerous will cause them to get into a dangerous depression...


I would not want to be blamed or have my neurological differences blamed for what happens to me. I don't want people making assumptions about me because they read some book on AS, either. It kileld my self-esteem and drove me nuts when my mother did that to me.


I would encourage my kids to humiliate the bullies; pull a prank on them or use some really good insults or fight them physically; I know this isn't right but I'd do it anyway because I'm impulsive, rash, angry, have Post Humiliation Stress Disorder...


If the kid wants to switch schools, let them, as often as they want. Don't talk abotu the trouble it takes and how it's such a pain.


I would not underestimate the kid r treat them like a nitwit. Absolutely not. And there are more ways to treat them like a nitwit than calling them a nitwit.


I would not get mad at my kid for things that happened to her or take her problems out on her. If I ever did this I hope I would go straight to a shrink. This can damage a kid.


I would never use AS as an insult. That should be against the LAW. That includes saying things like "Are you a neurotypical kid? No you aren't. So you do as I say." Or treat treatment liek a stigma ("If you don't stop crying and depressing everyone I'll put you on medication!") Or treat treatment as punishment: "The shrink said that you have to learn to do this, so you're doing it whether you liek ti or not." "If you don't stop complaining about this I'll make you do it for an extra half hour." Or just acting like treatment is a stigma, or something used to punish them, or something you're mad at your kids for needing, or feeling that you ahve to be strict with them to make them learn... that will make them WORSE! Mental-ward type of strictness is WORSE than prison-type of strictness!


And I would never preach. Even though I'm doing it now! I'm just too lazy to say "This shouldn't be done", whatever.


I never got "treatment" for stuff like that, I'm only now on antidepressants, only been for about 5 months. I was in an insultingly basic social skills group which brings me to my next point... don't talk down to them or explain social situations to them assuming they don't understand! That will DESTROY the kid's self-esteem. And this happened to me for like 2 or 3 years, and part of the depression problem I have now. Also, don't treat them all the same; they're all different! Just because one needs CBT doesn't mean they all do! And don't make assumptions! Just because someone sucks at basic social skills doesn't mean they're basic; they could be really good at the advanced ones!


Thanks to Sadie's Dad asking me for tips on how his kid might feel I finally got all this off my chest! I feel so much lighter!

LOTS and LOTS of patience.
and understanding.

amen

obviously NT's have their heads so far up their asses that they don't give a s**t and think they know whats best

I think being taught how to defend myself against bullies and not feel bad about standing up for myself. I also would have liked to have somebody advocate for me more. I was the eldest child in the family but would have loved to have a big sister or brother who would have looked out for me at school.

well i wanted to update my post on some new stuff that i believe would of helped me as an aspie(childhood) i'm an adult now and went though school.

just being diagnosed that i was a aspie early on, and actually doing the research on it when i was in school, would of helped and prepared me for the pain and frustrations i had to face. (not finding out about it till i was 27 yrs old)

Martial arts (taekwondo, karate, kung fu) is a good idea for aspies. cause most martial art teachers talk about self respect and tell you when it is ok to use it, and it's cause of my martial arts that i stopped being bullied.

backpacking/hiking camps are good.(1 i strongely suggest is camp unalayee (at unalayee.org) i made several friends, and even fell in love..

If bullies were more mature and understood what we aspies though and would stop bullying people.

Parents need to stop saying that there children need to go to camps,clubs,sport activities to socialize, it needs to be fun (in order to be sociable) thats why i strongely suggest activities that isnt based on competition such as basketball, soccer, football,(pe classes in school) (cause your child will always be the last one picked) parents need to focus on the following, like tennis, backpacking, golf, yoga, piano, guitar lessons, martial arts. stay away from large group events (such as carnivals) (your child may trigger anxiety attacks)

parents need to be the childs advocate!! ! and love them, do not yell at your children. and have then in safe atmospheres. (remember schools can be harsh) if your child doesnt know anyone and you are away from your child). children at a young age need there parents and need to be loved and not feel like your child is worthless, or abandoned, neglected, abused, etc... listen to your child and dont ever give up on your child that is the most important. for an example of what i'm talking about heres a short timeline of my life. remember the sad events will cause problems for your child)

mom died at age 4(she was diabetic, alcoholic)father left before i was born.
was put in a adoption center at 4.
adopted into a family with my brother at age 5.
adopted by another family at age 5 split up from my brother. (even though i did have weekly get togethers with my brother and some of my birth family)

In jr high, my brother got on drugs, depressed, almost overdosed.
started getting migraines, and anxiety at this time.
some how managed to get though school with the bullying, constant panic attacks, flashbacks.
after highschool, got a job at a amusement park, then worked in the grocery industry for 3 years, uncle dies(grandmothers son) , my grandmother has a emotional breakdown, blood clot, heart congestion failure (almost died) (thanks to my aspie, i took the time to live with my grandmother while she was going though hard times) after she got out of hospital and was better, my other uncle went to iraq/afghanistan(hes in the military) well i dont want to talk about the rest cause it gets more sad and complicated. but I hope parents of aspies understand what adults and high school student aspies deal with mainly when they get older. so if parents can stay together and love your child, stay away from alcohol and drugs and negative stuff, and keep your child in a safe and friendly location with homeschooling or independent learning it will help your child alot more when they get to being an adult. i'm still living here, parents who are getting child diagnoses now are so much luckier then those who are 20 yrs old + adult aspies

I would have had a better life if my parents had understood that I needed encouragement more than punishment. They treated me as though I was lazy, over-confident, and reckless. They thought that every mistake I made was intentional. They did not comprehend that a lot of it was beyond my control, that I was trying to be good, and that punishment was making it worse, not better.

I'm not saying that discipline is a bad thing; it is reasonable to have rules for children and to enforce them. But my parents and teachers believed that inducing fear was the most effective form of discipline. They would scream in my face and make scary faces, bang on things, and break things. It was terrifying, and it really hurt me because I was too young to understand that they were not going to torture me and kill me.

It would have been more effective if they had:
1) asked me why I did whatever I did
2) explained why it is wrong
3) tried to help me to deal with the cause of the behavior, while trying to understand

I guess this might not work with all kids. I was the kind of kid who wanted to be good but ended up fidgeting and day dreaming a lot. I would get lost in my thoughts and ignore people. The more they tried to scare me, the more I retreated into my own mind. If they wanted me to pay more attention to them, they should have taken the initiative to discuss my interests and whatever I was thinking about--without criticism.

It also would have been nice if my teachers had understood that when I was not paying attention in class, it was not because I was obstinate or stupid; it was because I already understood the concepts and my own thoughts were more interesting. They needed to challenge me more, and treat me like an intelligent individual with original ideas instead of a defective animal.

nah. making kids do things does not work. What if you had slower reflexes which is common for many on autism spectrum? u would have got slaughtered. Also, the moral aspect counts. Fighting is no way out of trouble. That is how humans have traditionally solved problems. It is crap to hurt someone because they hurt you. It perpetuates the cycle of violence and abuse. When I was young, people somehow thought that being bullied was good for your character and toughened you up to deal with life. I am testament on legs to the falsity of that.

"The best advice if you are being bullied is to avoid the bullies. This is not always easy either at school or work but try and stay away from the places they go. Don't be scared to take action against them. Tell someone in authority and keep a record of each occasion bullying occurs. Share your experiences with other people and don't sit back and let it happen to others. Find out as much as you can about the anti-bullying policy in your school or workplace.
http://www.youthinformation.com/Templat ... deID=90247

Mencap’s Don’t stick it, stop it! campaign[/b]

Don’t stick it, stop it! is Mencap’s campaign to stop the bullying of children and young people with a learning disability.

This website is fully accessible to children with a learning disability and includes animations that demonstrate the kind of bullying that children and young people with a learning disability experience every day. You can also make a sticker to show your support for the campaign. For more information visit: http://www.dontstickit.org.uk/"

My daughter is 22 years old and I only began to put the pieces together in the last few years. She is a beautiful, very capable and dependable person and like what I am reading here, she has her own way of seeing the world. If she decides to do something, you know it will be done on time. I came to understand that if we had a change of plans, I needed to give her extra time to absorb the information. She didn’t like it, but would come around eventually.

I think back over the years and I think one thing I wish I had done differently was to make sure I gave my daughter my time and attention. Many times, I rushed her or didn’t listen to the complete story she was trying to tell me.

All of what I am reading here is clicking so much. I am just so grateful to have found this community.

Mum

I know this might not be recieved well, but the thought processes that I attained from psychedelics and marijuana increased my awareness of my self, and alllowed me to reflect on my behavior in a way that I never had before. Its not a self-medicating thing to get through the day, but meditative.

I would not advise parents to give their children illegal drugs. They can go to prison for that.

yeah i wouldnt suggest marijuana, unless doctor prescribes it. i would go with the following as basic , gatorade or something with high b vitamins (energy drink), and something with pottasium, and liquirice as a small sample that may help your child with autism (be more aware and and have more energy)

Here's some interesting statements about autism and marijuana

http://www.autism.org/marijuana.html

I have no problem with adults choosing to self administer medications. There are issues of consent with children/adolescents and the fact is like all drugs, legal or not, some people have adverse reactions. I also have a strong aversion to claims of medications for autism. Its a load of crap. Medications may help with various conditions commonly associated with autism, but they are different for different people. What helps one may be severely detrimental to the health of another.

I also have a concern that many people medicate without consideration for alternatives or without using the medication as providing a window of time in which to change their parenting/teaching practices.