Parents on the spectrum

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Because none of those things will change if we don't, and that affects everyone. Because I don't want there to be a world expressly comprised of intolerant NTs.

You could say the same about any group of people with differences or challenges, gays, people of color, people with genetically-based physical handicaps. It's hard, change takes time, but things do improve. I remember feeling this way myself - even though I didn't know my neurology was different, I didn't want even the possibility that my child would suffer as I had - but now I know, he has the potential to not only thrive, but to help make things better for other people.

As for the overcrowding, there are certainly other ways to address that issue without telling particular neurotypes not to procreate.

Well, you are right about the last sentence, at this point, with 7 billion people NO ONE should be procreating, especially having too many kids like the Duggars do.

It just seems that having children would be hard on a person who has Aspergers to be a parent and the child is being done a disservice too. What if for example you end up in a crummy school district (As I did, turns out to be crummy in general too)?

I just think it is a good idea if we could promote the idea of a child free life on this board, because children can be hard to deal with if one is on the spectrum.

I'm Aspie without an official diagnosis.

My first two children are now adults in their 20's. The eldest was diagnosed for ADD and learning disabilities, but I think that the ADD was wrong and that he is high functioning aspergers. Not that is matters at this point. I found him interesting and challenging to parent.

The second is NT and VERY extroverted. That social calendar was a horror for me to manage but I would drive to activities, walk in, then go back to the car and read until parents started filing out. At the child's request, I would take my time entering so as to maximize the time chatting with the other kids. The kid was much more difficult to parent. All those activities and I had to act somewhat normal and simply couldn't do it. Half the mothers treated me as if I were a rotten mother, the other half seemed to range from thinking I was weird to avoiding me, to a very few who tried to be friendly and I still like those moms.

The eldest did not like social groups. Still only socializes on a limited basis.

Now, late in life, I have two more children. I think one is an extrovert with some Asperger traits, the second is too young to tell yet, but gets overwhelmed and melts down in a way that none of the other three ever did. The father of the younger two is aspergers but never diagnosed. His childhood is classic AS though. I'm reading the 22 things book next. I want to see what I might be able to tweak in my comunication to make our good marriage even better.

We lucked out, both of us on the same page parenting wise. When we disagree, we discuss away from the kids. Even if he thinks I am wrong, he backs me up, then discusses it later. He also almost never yells no matter how upset he gets. In the past four years he has raised his voice TWICE. It is so much nicer on my sensory issues to have a husband who doesn't yell at me.

Our daughter has a gift for sounds. She has discovered in her obsession with finding all the different sounds and tones that she is capable of making (as an infant her first copy was the siren of an ambulance complete with doppler effect, I don't know how many times I freaked out driving, trying to figure out where the ambulance was before I figured out it was coming from the baby seat). I am sound sensitive, and the little stinker has discovered the tones that will hit me the hardest which she applies anytime I correct her behavior, or put up the baby gate to keep her in her play area while I work, or insist she take a nap, or refuse to put a video on the TV for her.

Anyone else have a kid use their sensory issues as against them? Sometimes I feel like superman and my kid is waving kryptonite around.

Come to think of it, the now adult daughter used to poke me in the arm with her finger when she was annoyed with me. I hate being poked. Bothers me terribly.

Anyway, wanted to join this discussion!

You know, I understand the sentiment about choosing not to have kids. But that attitude-- that people on the spectrum shouldn't because blah, blah, blah-- that attitude has probably caused me more problems that autism itself. Dealing with that attitude has been one of my most intractable challenges as a parent.

Sort of like the idea that there is A Certain Kind Of Person, objectively determinable, that is better than every other kind of person-- indeed The Only Truly Good Kind Of Person-- that we should all strive to attain being. It's a crock. It needs to go.

How about promoting the idea that it's neither NECESSARY to procreate in order to be happy and fulfilled...

...nor is it WRONG to do it if you so choose???

How about the idea that, for "us" as well as for the rest of the human race, it should be a personal decision based on personal values, beliefs, and preferences???

I have been told a few times-- always by neurotypical medical professionals, and always by ignorant ones who were practicing in the Upper Mon Valley because no other place in the country would tolerate them-- that I should not have been permitted to reproduce, that despite the evidence to the contrary my kids could not possibly be happy and well cared for (or, if they were, it had to be through someone else's effort) and I could not possibly truly enjoy parenting them.

And I was stupid enough to believe them. Even to the point of considering killing myself and putting what I had seen before and now see again as three perfectly fine kids down with me.

You can ignore the bad attitudes, fight them, or give in to them. Your choice is entirely up to you. Why not leave others' choices up to them, too??

By the by-- I'm making an educated guess that "BobinPgh" is "Bob in Pittsburgh." Given the attitude that you seem to have toward society and yourself-- an attitude I'm fighting a see-saw war with myself (and losing, as often as not, though that's an improvement over more often than not)-- What are the chances, BobinPgh, that you are also a veteran (or should I say refugee??) of the Upper Monongahela Valley?? That you have, in fact, done time somewhere in or around Fairmont, West Virginia??

Just curious. Because I lived there for 28 years. And I'm hoping that I'm correct in the belief I'm slowly developing that north-central West Virginia is not, actually, statistically, demographically, or culturally representative of the human race as a whole.

Last edited by BuyerBeware on 28 May 2012, 12:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, by the way-- actually came here to ask a question.

I think my DD10 has figured out that I can't tell when people are lying to me unless I catch them outright. Well, actually, I KNOW she has figured that out.

I suspect that she may have decided to exploit this for her own benefit. Today DS4 started sobbing-- nothing fake about it, I know that scream-- while I was heating up lunch. I asked him what had happened. He said the 10-year-old walked by and pulled his hair. I asked her if she did it. She looked at me with a straight face and said she's been on the couch the whole time.

I don't know whether to believe her or not. I told her I would let it pass, and also that it's a really foul thing to lie to someone just because you can, if that's what she was doing.

I've been thinking about this situation arising for a few months now-- remembering growing up with Daddy, how I did pull the wool over his eyes a few times but quit pretty quick (only did it once after the age of 12) and felt bad even then and feel bad about it to this day because lying to Daddy was so easy.

He had that to rely on-- the fact that I was AS too, not a good liar and obsessed with fairness.

I don't necessarily have that luxury. Even if it does not turn out to be a problem with my oldest, it will be a problem with my DD3 sooner than I even want to think about. That's just her temperament.

She's always been generally a good girl, and I suspect that it will pass relatively quickly...

...but she's AT THAT AGE and there are three more behind her.

Any other moms (or for that matter dads) out there who know yourselves to be easy to hoodwink?? How do you (or did you) deal with that in the face of raising-- *gasp*-- ADOLESCENTS?

I don't just want to assume I'm being deceived every time I wonder. That's not very fair; I think it would quickly teach her to be resentful and hateful, and to think that she might as well let the crime fit the punishment. I certainly have never enjoyed being treated in that way...

...but I can't let my kids get away with hoodwinking me any more than I can let anyone else. Actually, less, because I'm, you know, their MOTHER.

Suggestions, please????

My oldest daughter did the same thing. I had to ask for help. I contacted the mothers of all her friends and we exchanged cell phone numbers and when she told me she was going to be with a particular friend at their house, I would call that mom and ask.

I was also blessed that she got a step mother who is NT and savvy about teenage girls and lying.

You could also ask the leaders of the programs she is involved in for their phone numbers so you can check with them. Mine would say there was something after school and then go off with friends-- and I wish I had thought to do this simple check with her teachers and coaches.

I know the lies were a constant problem but we survived. The problem child is a productive adult, with a child of her own (born more than a year after the wedding!), and a husband who is a good hard working man, and she gets good grades taking college classes so she can eventually be a social worker or something similar.

I consider her a success. It was NOT easy. I hate feeling that I am likely being lied to but be unable to know for sure.



I agree that the decision to have children, or not to have children, belongs to the individual. This is such a hot topic with people. I think that for the sake of the human race as a whole that nobody should be prevented from having children if they choose to do so. Genetic diversity is known to be good for a species and we cannot know what our species will need to have in the gene pool in the future so it is best to accept as wide a diversity as possible.

We've had a lot of trouble with lying, fortunately DS is awful at it, so I can usually tell when it happens - the problem is I can't always tell what it's about, but it comes in multiples and I can usually catch him at least once.

I explained to him (not in the moment, just in a family meeting) that in our household we value the truth very highly. I also said there are two consequences of lying, the first being that he loses my trust and the second being that, because I can't trust him, he gets less freedom. I have pointed out to him that the reason I am suspicious about nearly everything is a consequence of lying, and the reason he doesn't get access to ____________ in his room is because I can't trust him.

I have also told him that it's insulting to be put in the position of lie police. I said it hurts my feelings to be lied to, especially when I never lie to him (which I don't.) (BTW, I do talk a little bit about social lies, although we espouse evading the truth in those situations rather than telling untruths, e.g. "I've never tried anything like it" rather than "It was delicious!")

OTOH, I have found that sometimes he can't get past the impulse to lie if he's caught red-handed, so I usually give him a minute to calm down, and say "OK, now that you've had a chance to think about it, do you want to tell me something? Remember how we talked about how we value the truth in this family?"

I haven't tweaked this one yet, but I try to reward him for telling the truth (even on the second try) even if I'm going to punish him for whatever he lied about. When he's caught in a lie, I remind him that it hurts my feelings and that he will lose privileges involving trust. We are having small success, although his first impulse is still to lie.

Keep in mind, this is AS>AS, so if your kids are NT, they may or may not have that overdeveloped sense of fairness that helps in this situation.

My son is almost a year and a half and I still haven't figured out how to read him. My husband has to tell me what he is telling me and what he wants. He seems to know the difference between when my son is tried or hungry or when he wants something else to eat or is full. I never figured out with his cries when he is hungry or wet. I could only tell when he is scared because his crying sounded totally different and he be screaming and I could tell the difference with a pain cry just the way it sounded but never figured out the rest. But he is past that stage now.


Anyone other autistic parents had/have this same issue? Did you ever figure it out with your next child or did being around other babies help you read your baby when you had him/her?

With all my kids I simply had a routine. If the baby cried I would: change the diaper, check for injuries, fill the baby's tummy by nursing, burp the baby, top him off, burp him again, change his diaper and tuck him into a play pen to play or tuck him in to sleep depending on how long he had been awake.

Just a routine. Yes, it meant that sometimes dry diapers were changed. But the routine gave us happy babies who grew nicely.

As I got better at it, I could glance at the clock to see how long it had been since the last feeding. If it was only a few minutes, then the baby likely needed the diaper and burping portions of the routine. If it had been two or more hours then the baby needed the entire routine.

You don't have to recognize the specific cries if you know the needs and meet them diligently.

T. Berry Brazelton wrote some good books on babies that I found helpful. His descriptions helped me know when to let the baby fuss a little bit. It wasn't easy, but my oldest needed to be allowed to fuss a little in the evenings because he dumped stress that way and if I didn't let him cry and dump the stress he would not sleep well. Some babies actually use crying that way, some babies don't but his books described the behaviors that indicated if the baby was the sort who needed to cry, or if the baby was the sort who needed something else, like snuggles and rocking, to be happy and go to sleep.

Good parenting is an act of the will and intellect and while reading body language is nice, it is not the be all and end all of parenting.

I think, for me, the most fun begins after they are talking and if I listen they get used to telling me everything.

Yes, same issues. It hurts to be told you are a bad/uncaring parent because it is so easy for others to tell the cries apart and you have to guess. Very frustrating. That's one of the main reasons that infancy is hard for me.

I have a series of steps. When my oldest was little and I was very insecure and easily frustrated, we called it "Playing 20 Solutions." It is not one of my favorite parts of parenting, but it's kept all my kids alive and OK so far. 1) Are they hurt?? 2) Do they feel fevered?? I don't pick up ear infections until they show up with a fever or want to nurse constantly-- and that last was a trick I learned after 14 months with my son, who had chronic ear troubles up to about 2. 3) Are they wet/dirty?? 4) How long has it been since they've eaten?? Try feeding anyway (make a very small amount of formula or try a little food). 5) Did they burp well after the last feeding?? At +12 months, your son is probably past this. 6) How long have they been up?? Maybe they're tired. Hold, cuddle, sing, take them to a quiet room and read a story. 7) Maybe they're hot/cold. Add clothes or take clothes off. Maybe they're bored. Hold, cuddle, sing, amuse. 9) I've tried everything I can think of and that scream is starting to drive me nuts. Put them back in the quiet room and hope, if they're tired, they'll go to sleep. Come back in 10 to 20 minutes and start over. 10) Give thanks to whatever gods there are when the little bastards finally learn to talk!! !! I'm SAVED!! !!

Hang in there. He'll be getting verbal soon. It gets much, much easier then. In the mean time, don't waste your energy berating yourself. Just keep trying.

Well, at least they're cute.

FWIW, I don't think this is an NT/AS thing: I think almost all first-time and many all-time parents struggle to figure out a baby's cries and eventually wind up using the 20-solutions method, as the lengthy session on crying in most parenting books will attest. (Of course, not NT so not speaking from experience but that's how I handled it, too)

A social lesson to remember, critical if you're parenting a special needs kid: other parents can be jerks. It's not always you. (League Girl, I am not applying this lesson to your situation in particular.)

I am awful at lying to. The problem with me is my conscience gets to me in a major way.

Amen to the bolded text. It seems like no one is more judgmental of a mother than another mother. The "Mommy Wars" are a bunch of complete and total BS, and the sad thing is it's BS we perpetrate against each other because we're all afraid we're not doing "good enough" and getting high on putting each other down.

Who's got the pathology again????

I have a very wandering mind and tend to drift off into my own little world a lot. I can't seem to pay enough attention to my 3 YO son. He has some traits of ASD but his diagnosis was "defered" because he hasn't had much interaction with other children. My wandering mind and lack of social connections is causing me great worry about my being able to provide my son with opportunities to experience normal interaction with his peers.

(I hate those animated emoticons!! ! I've just realized I've been watching them for the last 3 minutes--especially the eye-rolling one).

See what I mean? If I'd been home with my son just now, he'd have climbed to the top of the bookshelf and be tossing books down on my head while I was staring at a blinking thing.

But anyhow, how can I break out of this dang isolation and find my boy some kids to play with without frightening away their parents?

I didn't do much with mine at that age. I attended a church with a really fabulous children's program. This meant I sat quietly in church while they did the social with the other kids. It wasn't terrible and the music was good.

When they got older, we joined Cub Scouts. I found a troop where the leader understood the problem, and so I was able to avoid a lot of interaction. We also put ours in a Tae Kwon Do class with an instructor whose philosophy we liked. Again, there was very little interaction between the parents.

My more extroverted child also had dance and piano. At the child's request, I brought her a tiny bit early, left as the other parents poured in, and then waited outside until the parents were leaving with her classmates and then popped in the door to get her.

There was a gaming club that met at the Library. Many of the parents left the kids in the room with the game club and then enjoyed the quiet of the Library during the activity.

You can check out online what is available in your community. You want safe activities that happen regularly and that do not require that you remain the entire time, or that permit you to settle in a corner with a kindle and read without being bothered.

There is always a way. I raised an NT extrovert (very hard for me!) and a suspected Aspie (never diagnosed) and they are now adults who seem to function.

I now have a suspected 2 1/2 year old who never met a stranger. This child exhibits many classic signs of aspergers (tippy toes, melt downs, rocking, humming) but likes meeting people. It should be interesting to see how that goes. The baby is the most easily over-whelmed child in the family. Very quiet, even cooing seems to be a struggle for this kid and he was VERY late making any sort of eye contact but infants are impossible to guess at. I plan to use the resources in the community for whatever social is needed.

Wow you sound like me, only a few years ago. I've wondered the same thing but haven't done anything about it except to come to WP. As for the moving smileys, try installing ad blocker of some sort, that helps though the emoticons are still there. I drape a hand towel over that part of the computer screen or else I can't concentrate at all.
I have taken my son out of regular school and that has isolated us even more. I managed to spend some time with a couple of the mom-people about 6 years ago, but they drove me nuts - and they eventually shunned me anyhow. But for that year, my son was invited to various play dates, birthday parties and Christmas parties because he's a real cute and outgoing person who people naturally gravitate towards. After getting out of regular school of course all that stopped and we have very few contacts with kids his age.
Wish I could help more, just supporting and encouraging you to persevere in this.