Sometimes I HATE my AS step-son

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Sorry, Step; I didn't mean to offend you. I'm very blunt. For future reference, pretend everything I write has that Neurotypical sugar coat
I will only comment on a few of the things I have noticed since it's getting late...

I have noticed an important problem here, though:

You are treating him the way you want to be treated, and you're expecting him to treat you the way you wants to be treated. This should work, right?

This is wrong. He may be trying to treat you the way he wants to be treated, which is most likely different from the way you want to be treated. You need to start treating him the way he wants to be treated (ask him!), and you should tell him how you want to be treated and ask him to treat you that way.

"Treat others the way you want to be treated" doesn't work with autistic people. I know from experience; whenever I try to treat people the way I want to be treated (not touching them, not looking at them too much, not being too loud, not standing too close to them, telling them the truth, etc, etc, etc), they get their feelings all hurt! Try making sure he knows how you want to be treated and ask him how he wants to be treated.

For example, I agree wholeheartedly with Bombaloo when he/she/it said that when you did a bunch of stuff in one day it seemed natural that he would have a hard time at the end of the day. As a child, you may have been thrilled to have a long day of activities in--*shudders*--PUBLIC. For Seth, this is much harder. He probably wants to participate in those activities. I would, too. I recognize, however, that I would not be able to handle it. Try spreading out the activities on different days.

About that day--

That bolded part is an absolute. If I am in an anxious state of mind, an absolute that is not Literally True could very easily set me off.
Also, none of what he did seems "wrong" to me. Don't take what happened personally; he was probably unbearably anxious and needed a release. I think he released it in a very appropriate way, too; he didn't hurt anyone, and he didn't start yelling at you. He went away into his room and released his emotions.

Also, he will not be gratefull for you making all those sacrifices and taking care of him and forcing him to brush his teeth, etc. just yet. I can assure you, however, that he will thank you when he's older.*

What I mean by you not being his parent is that you shouldn't try to replace his mom, because you can never replace her. If he's anything like anyone I've ever met (except for my sociopath ex who tried to kill me and my mom's pothead ex who brushed my teeth--see *) he loved his mom and he still loves her. It may be irrational, but it probably hurts him when he sees you doing all those things for him that his mom did for him; it may feel like you're trying to replace his mom. It's hard enough for kids to deal with their parents remarrying when the other one is still alive--I can't imagine how awful it would be if the parent were dead.

I'm getting too crazy and rambling too much and getting too upset (at my own past, not you) so I should probably go to bed. I am shaking, so I should go to bed.

*Unless you do something horrible like grab him and force the toothbrush into his mouth and start brushing his teeth--my Bad Experience of a step-parent did that to me once (my mom let him!) and forced it into my mouth and I hated it because I didn't like him to touch me and I didn't like the bubble feeling and I was gagging and he smelled like POT and I HATE POT SMELL. I was seven or eight. I will never forgive him for that--seriously. I'm glad my mom didn't marry him.

All the new responses lead me back to this, step: your family is too busy. There isn't enough time together to go through the repetitive and calm conversations you need to be having with the child so that he integrates how his behavior appears to you, why he should change it, and how he can change it. You are all in this vicious cycle that comes from being rushed and not having the time to do things properly.

My kids have no chores. I can really use the help, but they had so many other challenges going on I felt I just couldn't ask it. And giving them that time allowed my AS son to learn to organize himself, develop ways to self calm, and so on. Now that the has those skills, we're layering back, asking him to take on responsibilities. I say this not to encourage you to do the same - you can't possibly handle it all yourself - but to give you some sense of what the impacted family life you lead is costing you. I would suggest that your step son needs this more than he needs more gadgets for his special interest.

Why is your husband in school? To me, this is not time your family can afford at the moment. I hinted at that earlier, but now I'm going to be blunt. Why can't this be deferred until the hurdles are crossed?

The modern world puts us all in a rat race that complicates our lives to the point daily living is literally overwhelming to AS kids, and to US, as parents. Exhausted parents cannot dogbane best job, period. We all have to step back and continually ask ourselves, how can we simplify? I know not everyone can and still eat, but it is always worth looking at and asking.

I know you are doing the best you can, but you need more TIME.

Isn't it lovely that all the fairy tales hand your step son a fast and easy explanation for his troubles? (sarcasm)

I would bet he thought you and your husband were sharing a moment, of the kind he rarely gets with his dad, and he was jealous. Or, worse, his imagination had him thinking you were planting negative ideas ... Just like in the fairytales.

Each one of these incidents could use a situational autopsy.

He doesn't understand the dynamics in his family, and he is still sorting through the giant changes he has been forced to experience. This isn't about shopping or going to fun places, but about learning to discuss every little small thing that happens in daily family life. He is suspicious of and confused by you. And you are such an easy scapegoat according to all those fairytales.

Well, that is how I'm reading it, anyway.

He needs to do more than talk to a professional an hour a week, he needs to start talking to you or you husband. Patiently, gently, carefully, wiling to hear it all from his point of view without judgement. You can't tackle it until you get to the bottom of it, and that won't happen if anger is what he gets in response to his attempts to express himself.

You both lost an opportunity to find out what is going on in his head by allowing hurt and anger to guide your responses to that essay. Do I understand that hurt and anger? Absolutely. But you need to swallow it long enough to find out what is really going on, and then calmly set boundaries so that the child - and the parents - handle things better in the future.

While I love that your husband rushes to your defense, see it from the child's perspective: his dad rushed to YOUR defense, and didn't stop to ask him why he felt that way. One little step like that, stopping to calmly ask and expressing some understanding, would make a WORLD of difference. Get that far and you can start the conversations needed to fix the misconceptions.

DW_a_mom,
I don't know how to handle the "too busy" thing. My husband, as I've mentioned, has AS. He's *incredibly* intelligent, however, he was so bullied in school that he dropped out and had to be home-schooled and he never had the opportunity to go to college. He now works in maintenance and it is hard work where he is on call a lot and it stresses him out no end. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that he's in class every night...this semester he was only taking one class that meets 1 night a week plus a few nights he'll go to the lab to study. It is his heart's desire to go to college. It is the one thing he really looks forward to, and it gives him some time to work on something of his own. I do not want to ask him to give up the one thing that really brings him happiness, particularly since he's said more than once "I hate my life". He tells me how much he loves me and Seth, but he hates our situation at home.

I have crunched the numbers every way I can, and we can't get by on just my salary and his job won't let him go to half-time nor does he want to only work half time. Mostly, both of us are home every night for at least 4 hours before Seth's bedtime. During that time, we do have a consistent routine...we talk to him about his day, have a family dinner, and help him with his homework. His only chore is to unload the dishwasher, which takes him about 5 minutes every other day. We do, on occasion, have a busy day on the weekend, but honestly, most of our weekends are spent at home reading or watching movies or playing video games or Seth will play with his legos. During the winter, we go skiing a lot, but Seth LOVES to ski.

We usually aren't running to and fro very much. We try to only have Seth in one activity at a time. It was Lego Robotics, but he more or less got kicked off the team for being too disruptive. Sometimes he likes to go with his dad to his dad's soccer games. That is about the extent of our running around. I do try to stay on the lookout for things that Seth might be interested in, things related to science or music which he loves. When those opportunities come up, he's usually very excited about going. We also let him stay home from activities if he isn't in the mood.

I agree about constantly asking ourselves how we can simplify, we are doing that as best we can. I personally, have zero social life outside of my job. I used to, but I just don't have the energy anymore. My husband and I have one date night a week and spend about 2 hours alone together. It's not very much but it's something. Honestly, I feel like I need a little more *me* time, not less, but I do see your points.

Bombaloo, I have been thinking *a lot* about what you said about co-dependence. Usually on the weekends, I let my husband "sleep-in" this involves bringing him breakfast in bed, and him staying in the bedroom for hours reading while I take care of Seth, do chores, etc. In some ways I feel like I have to "take care" of my husband, because he gets overwhelmed so easily. When he gets overwhelmed, he gets horribly depressed and then I really do have to do everything because he's physically unable to help (falls asleep the second he gets home from work for example). He just has all these requirements he needs in order to function, and it was fine when it was just the two of us...but now with Seth, those requirements are getting harder and harder to accommodate. This weekend, he stayed in bed on Sat. as usual, but on Sunday I asked him if he'd take a turn hanging out with Seth, fixing his meals, cleaning up etc. while I stayed in the bedroom to read. He didn't want to but after some convincing he agreed. I could hear them laughing upstairs for hours as they played video games and watched a silly movie together.

I came up and joined them watching the movie they were watching. There was a big drip of something red right down the center of the TV screen. During the commercial break I asked "what's that?" Not in an angry voice, just curious. Aaron said "I don't know, probably the same stuff that's on the ceiling and wall" I looked and there was a large streak of red splatters that spanned the living room ceiling, down the wall, and across the front of the TV set. I asked Seth "What happened?"...again, not angrily, just curious. He immediately became enraged, saying that he didn't know what happened and why did I always automatically assume that he was responsible etc. I calmly said that since neither his dad nor I had splattered red stuff on the ceiling and wall, it was logical to assume that he had done it but that he could offer an alternate possibility. He continued to claim that he had no clue how the splatter got there and that I was so unfair to blame him and that I had no proof etc. he was so worked up that his dad sent him to his room to cool off. I started cleaning off the TV and I knew immediately from the smell that it was one of those popsicle that come thawed in a long plastic tube and you have to freeze them yourself. I had bought some when I had a bad cold months ago but we hadn't been eating them since then. I looked in Seth's trash can and there were about 6 wrappers for these popsicles, including an empty red one right on top.

After he had calmed down, I showed Seth the empty plastic tube and asked him if he'd like to revise his statement. He insisted he had no idea how the mess happened. He told me to quit yelling at him, even though he was yelling and my voice was low, calm and relaxed. I told him he could stay in his room until he apologized for lying about the mess. I reminded him that I wasn't upset with him for causing the mess....that I only get upset about the lies followed by his outrage and disbelief at being asked (nicely) about it. He said "I'm not saying another word". And I left.

He came back upstairs a few minutes later and I asked him if he was ready to apologize about the dishonesty. He said he was willing to admit that he probably caused the splash on the ceiling and wall, BUT that *if* he did, he had no knowledge of it. His dad asked him how it happened, and he said maybe the pressure of when he was trying to open it caused some of the liquid on top to come out. His dad explained that the directions of the splatter indicated someone standing at the top of the stairs who put their hand back behind their head and then flung their arm forward. (The splatters were going in one direction and then changed directions at one point at the top of the stairs and went another direction) also, this was *a lot* of liquid that had splashed...it went a good 18 feet or so. It had to be the contents of an entire, non-frozen popsicle. When his dad pointed this out, he just kept saying "why would I do that" and he even said "I'm not going to admit to something I didn't do even if it means getting into trouble".

So, he got very angry and upset so his dad sent him to his room for another time out, only this time Seth refused to go to his room, he just stood there belligerently with his hands on his hips and a horrid angry look on his face saying that he wasn't going to take it anymore and "I don't care if you smash every one of my toys to bits or take away all of my privileges, you can't tell me what to do".

To my husband's credit, he was very calm with him. Both of us were during the entire encounter. He said "You're angry right now and I'm getting angry so I need you to take a time out in your room" Seth said "NO" my husband said "You're making a bad choice Seth, you know that time outs are good for all of us, just go to your room for a few minutes until you settle down "NO, AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" So my husband did a countdown 1 2 3 and Seth just stood there with his feet planted staring us down. He wasn't crying or having a melt-down, he was just being stubborn. so my husband said "OK, I'm going to pick you up and carry you to your room now if you don't go of your own accord, I don't think either of us want that" and Seth just stayed there with his feet planted glaring at my husband. So, he gently picked him up, set him in his room and closed the door.

Seth basically came right back up stairs 5 seconds after my husband did. Now I'm getting heated up and telling him to go to his room and he's saying "Forget it, I won't go, I don't care what you do to me" and he kept talking about us smashing his toys to bits. I said "Seth, we aren't going to take away your toys, we haven't taken away any of your privileges either, we're calmly asking you to give us a break until things aren't so heated". He said "NO WAY!".

So my husband carried him back to his room and set him on the floor. At this point Seth is screaming hysterically at my husband all kinds of profanity. Then my husband started screaming back (only, he didn't say anything inappropriate, just something like "WHEN I TELL YOU I NEED A BREAK FROM YOU THERE'S A REASON FOR IT SO YOU BETTER LISTEN BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T!! !! so I split them up and went to my room. An hour later my husband came to get me letting me know that he'd fixed this great dinner and would I come up to eat with them. It took everything I had to go up there and be friendly with them, both of them acting like nothing had happened. It's so weird. I hate it. I still felt flooded with ugly feelings, even this morning when I came upstairs and Seth was all chipper and like "Good morning" etc. and I'm being "nice" but my heart wasn't in it because I was still upset about the day before. After all, he never admitted to lying about the mess. And I'm 100% convinced that he did it, that he KNOWS he did it, and that he was lying about it as usual. I've had talks with him about trust when neither of us are angry. About how important it is. About how I have never lied to him (that's the truth) and how would he feel if I told him there wasn't butter in the sauce, but I knew there was (he's vegan) he said he'd be furious. I said, that's how I feel when you lie to my face.

on another note, I wanted to respond briefly to a few comments from those who think that Seth didn't know I was whispering to my husband about his Christmas gift, he *did* know, because I told him what my husband's gift was and asked him not to tell then I said "Now I'm going to tell your dad what I got you, I know you're going to love it" and I whispered to his dad and was all excited and that's when he rolled his eyes etc. So yes, he knew exactly what the whispering was about. I know a lot about AS, and that I can't assume he's going to "get" something that I don't explicitly tell him, and I think I'm really good about that most of the time. Although no one is perfect.

Also, as for my husband rushing to my defense about the essay...that's not how it happened. My husband read it in the other room with Seth. I heard him say "Did you already hand this in at school?" and that he was going to talk to me about it later. The blow up that happened between my husband and stepson was not related to that, but over him constantly whining and refusing to do his math. After Seth was sent to his room, my husband showed me the essay. For the record, neither of us ever got angry with him about it. I asked my husband to show it to our counselor and he did. She didn't lay blame on any of us, and felt (as we did) that it was at least good that he was trying to communicate his feelings. I still haven't spoken with him about it because I just don't have the energy. We can't set up any more counseling for right away because we are going out of town to see relatives for 2 weeks for the holidays.

Needless to say, I am dreading it...

And as to the advice that we should tell Seth how we want to be treated and treat him how he wants to be treated, we've had those conversations. Basically, Seth wants to be treated as an adult. To be able to make all of his own decisions. To not have to take into account what we think is best for him. He gets outraged from being asked nicely to do something he doesn't want to do, even if you try to get him to see why doing it ultimately benefits him. As far as telling him how I want to be treated, all I've asked of him is that he show me the same amount of courtesy and respect that I show him. I've told him that being treated with respect to me means, not arguing about every single thing he's asked nicely to do, not using profanity with me, not slamming doors in my face, not rolling his eyes and me, and not stealing from me or lying to me.

Also diniesaur, I wanted to say that I appreciate you writing and that I'm sorry about what happened to you with the tooth brushing incident. It sounds absolutely horrible. I have *never* touched Seth in anger or frustration. The only time I've ever touched him is when *he* has initiated a hug. In fact, the more frustrated I get with him the further away from him I try to get physically because he has made false accusations about his dad in the past. When his mom was still alive, he called her on his cell phone (after his dad got angry with him for not brushing his teeth) and whispered to her that his dad had violently dragged him down the stairs by his ankles and that he'd hit his head. That he was in danger and needed his mom to come get him right away and take him to the hospital. I had been in the room with the two of them the whole time and I can guarantee that my husband hadn't touched a hair on his head. Again, he makes stuff up and that can be scary when you're the one he's making up stuff about!

I am really curious though, looking at the interaction with the Popsicle juice on the ceiling and wall...I'd love to know what you all would have done differently? I have to say in advance of any responses, that honesty is *really* important to me. So just ignoring or minimizing the behavior is not an option as far as I'm concerned. What bothers me about the lying so much is that there's no reason for it. He never get into trouble for breaking things or having an accident...of which there are many. We aren't uptight like that. But it becomes a problem when you can't even ask him nicely what happened without him denying and jumping down your throat.

Yikes, now I'm upset and need a time out.

I'll throw things out there but only you can decide what actually applies in your situation.

I can tell you this: my AS son makes all sorts of messes without any idea he is making them, and no knowledge that they even exist, he is THAT unaware of things outside his limited scope. Drives us NUTS, but it is what it is. I don't ask him for the story or expect a complete and honest answer because odds are good he can't locate and provide that. The best I usually is get a look that says "uh, it could have been me" or an "oops." I've seriously seen him do things and not have any awareness he's just done them, so there is no lying involved; he is simply oblivious. The best we can do is work on making him more aware, and ask him to take responsibility for the things he "most likely" did.

So if that had happened in my house, I would have noticed the splashes much as you did, and asked about it, pretty knowing I'd hear a series of "I don't knows" but it is the instinctive thing to do. As my detective work narrowed it down I might ask more specific questions, like "this looks like frozen popsicles. Who has eaten these in the past few weeks?" Then I point out to him, don't ask, just conclude, "there is a good chance you did this, because I can't think of any other explanation. Do you agree with that conclusion? Or do I need to keep looking?" And so on. The mantra in our house is that there is no blame, but if something is probably your fault, you should take responsibility, or in this case do the clean up.

Every so often we assume something is our son and it turns out it was one of us. We can all have our oblivious moments. He gets to claim his "aha! YOU did it!" triumph and we all move on.

I don't really feel trust and honesty are things that can be demanded. They are modeled and built. Children can see over time how lying ruins trust, if you point it out to them, and also how it creates tangled webs which cause nothing but more trouble. It is normal for children to play with lying at various ages and stages, but if parents are modeling good values, and the kids aren't gaining good results from the lies, the kids eventually abandon it.

I think AS kids have a complicated relationship with lying, and a rougher road in learning how to build trust. We give so many mixed messages, as a society, about lying. Then, on the flip, we don't always allow for the alternate truths that exist for kids, and accuse them of lying when they think they've been honest. It gets difficult to make heads or tails of.

I do want to go back to the time thing. I didn't want to suggest that you shouldn't take some time for yourself, because you need that, and making that investment will often mean that the time you do have with Seth will be of better quality. Just if there is anything that can be delayed or deferred, do it. Middle school is a HUGE crucial period, or at least was for our family. It was turbulent and demanding, and my son needed me more than ever. And then the wave passed. But if I hadn't invested that extra time, I don't know if it would have passed. I think we'd still be battling so many things. There is never any guarantee that investing your time will pay off, but the opposite is usually pretty predictable.

You have a lot of balls in the air to juggle, and a lot of intense needs to handle. I hope that you'll find an angel somewhere, somehow, soon, and it will ease out some. Hard to know what to tell you. We can only add food for thought in the hopes something will be plausible.

It is the same for my sons, and this is exactly what I was thinking as I read your story. I bet he had no idea that he made the mess, and that he would never make the leap from "I was eating popsicles" to "it must have been me" on his own. My sons wouldn't, never in a million years.

What I would have done, with all honesty:

Exclaimed, "What is this red stuff on the TV and wall?!" Probably with a certain amount of disgust and impatience, because I am constantly finding messes around the house, and feel like I just can't keep up, and that's one of my issues. My question would have undoubtedly been met with a chorus of "I don't knows". I would have had them pause what they were doing on the TV, and had everyone help with the clean up, and then moved on with some general grumbling about everyone being more careful not to make messes. When I discovered the popsicle wrappers and knew for sure that it was one of my sons, I would have waited until both him and I were nice and calm, and then told him what I found, and that I think the mess was probably his, and ask if he remembered now? He probably still wouldn't remember. At that point, I would probably talk with him about what new rules we should have about the popsicles to prevent any further messes, getting his input we'd come up with a plan on where, how and when popsicles would be eaten in future. I would probably then put the popsicles somewhere inaccessible to him and/or make a written note to put on them, to support him in remembering the new rules. There would be no talk of lying at all.

Always be very, very wary of accusing an AS kid of lying. There are so many variables in each situation. In my mind a "lie" is intentionally deceiving, and not being confused, forgetting something, not noticing something or taking language too literally. Being accused of lying when you haven't is very damaging to trust and self esteem. Seth was placed in a no win situation. Either confess to something that he didn't register or remember doing or get in big trouble. No wonder he got so upset. He was trapped. I have been in similar situations with my sons before, where I had unintentionally put them into no win situations because it was so difficult for me to truly understand their perspectives and capabilities. Over many years, I have learned to handle things differently although I am definitely still not perfect.

What really helps me is trying to focus on what I am actually trying to teach in any given situation. What was most important in the "popsicle incident"? Was it teaching a lesson about how each person in a household is responsible for taking care of the living environment? Was it trying to teach your son to connect the dots between the physical evidence and taking some responsibility even if he doesn't remember or realize what he's done? For me it would have been mostly just about preventing future messes of a similar sort. Making accusations and getting locked into a power struggle over "the truth" is going to overshadow any lesson you'd like to teach every time.

When he asked you to stop yelling, even though you weren't. I am wondering if either your voice was too loud for his ears, even though it was calm and low to you, or that was his way of telling you to stop badgering or pushing him and he just didn't have the language. Also what you mentioned about your son and husband letting it go, and you still having residual "ugly feelings" is a bit worrying. I think it's going to be really, really important for you to not take these type of things personally and to learn to let them go too. Besides in all honesty, if anyone has a grievance over this incident, in my mind it would be Seth. I think that's great that he was 100% chipper and ready to be friendly, even after not being trusted and being pushed to his limits over a popsicle.

Anyway you have my sympathies for your situation, which sounds like a very difficult one. My sons are now 11yo (twins). I have been learning right along with them for the last 11 years, and at times the learning curve has felt impossibly steep! Coming into the world of AS parenting abruptly like you have must be incredibly hard, but you sound like you are willing to work hard and adapt, and that's exactly what it's going to take. Good luck.

So, let's play the scenario a different way:

Maybe? Anybody else have an idea? I am guessing there will be resistance to missing the TV show, but in that situation I would insist the cleanup needs to happen before the stain sets, even if it means missing TV (and I'd state our house rule that we all help to keep the house clean.) I'd also say that cleanup will be quick, and TV comes back on as soon as cleanup is done.

I though Annotated Alice provided a good break down of the complications with the concept of lying in situations like this one. I would seriously consider dropping that word from the family lingo for a while. It will take some pressure off and might open the way to having more honest conversations. I know it is a pet peeve of yours, but you will find life a lot smoother if you can let go completely

I realize that it may seem difficult to believe someone could make a mess like that and not be aware, or to have completely forgotten doing so, but it happens. I'm not nearly as bad as my son, but I've failed to register or completely forgotten some pretty strong things, myself, so I know for sure this isn't just talk.

Do talk to Seth again outside of the situation about the purpose of time outs. Let him know that they are not always about punishment, but also about allowing everyone time to sort their thoughts. If the family is asking him to go to his room, it does not always mean he has been found guilty. I've mostly stopped using the word time out, because in most situations we're all just trying to self-calm, and not punish, so dropping the disciplinary vernacular makes the kids more willing to comply. My kids WANT to do the right things at this stage in their lives, but are still learning self control, response techniques, and the like. They don't need to be punished, most of the time, as much as taught. While Seth may not be in the same place with that, you may find that treating him as if he is encourages him to rise up to it.

When I was about three I got a big spanking for throwing my paper dolls in the garbage and then lying about it.

I am 44 and I remember this with such clarity. I pieced together what must have happened over the years, because it made a huge impact on me.

What really happened......I was playing with paper dolls and it was time to put them away. My grandma gave me a paper bag to put them in. I left the paper bag wherever, and after my uncle took out the garbage he saw the paper bag on the floor with paper in it, and used it to replace the old garbage bag. The dog knocked over the garbage and my mom found the dolls in the garbage. When I told her I didn't know how they Got there, I got in extra trouble for lying.

I bring up this story because, to my mom there was no acceptable explanation, I certainly didn't have the skills to piece it together, and I ended up with a sore bottom and a lack of trust with my mom.

I can imagine trying to open one of those Popsicles, finding I hadn't gotten it open and then taking it by the end and shaking it down (like you would a thermometer). If you had actually opened a smal hole in the plastic, you would make the stains as you described, and likely wouldn't have a clue.

I would have been grumbling about food being eaten anywhere other than the kitchen, and required help cleaning it. I would have probably said something like, well the evidence leads me to whoever ate the red popsicle, and I want that person to get busy helping me clean. If the didn't move their but from the tv, I would have probably gotten mad an yelled NOW. (I'm trying to think of what the real me would do, not the perfect me that I rarely can find in a pinch).

When in the power struggle over going to the room (which I have learned to avoid at all costs), I would have likely put myself and husband in the time out when starting to get mad. I would not have been all chipper but probably said something like.... Well, we need a break from each other cause were getting mad, if you don't want to go to you room, then I'm going to mine.

I just want to reinforce that I admire how hard you are working at this. Parenting isn't easy and parenting in your situation is harder than what most people will experience in a lifetime.

I have recently been faced with some pretty big issues with my NT 16 y/o son lying. I trust him implicitly and have been presented with evidence which undermines that trust, and I was having to address if he was lying or not. I decided not to go there, but just to act upon the evidence and hold him accountable without believing him or not. I decided that I don't need to believe or not believe, rather just act on the evidence and let that guide me.

I have a question, when you asked about the red stuff, we're you genuinely curious, or we're you tryiing to be appropriate? I often get in trouble for being false when I do the appropriate parenting response rather than expressing how I'm feeling. I am trying to contain myself as I'm getting madder and madder and no one is paying attention enough (because I'm busy being appropriate, they don't know how mad I'm getting), they end up being surprised when I finally blow and raise my voice.

Keep plugging along - you are putting such effort into this and it's really hard. I want you to think about what is the worst thing that would happen if you let most of the stuff you are struggling with go. If you just let it all go, and all the stress went away, I'm wondering if you could start working on the issues one at a time in order of priority.

My father refused to have me evaluated as well. Please understand Seth may need some support. He might not be able to talk about his real feelings so he's acting up. Leaving Seth alone with his father is a nightmare ready to happen. The father's reluctant to have him assessed for aspergers. Is he reluctant to get him into therapy over his mother dying or is Seth just supposed to learn how to deal with it and be happy?

Seth is doing what kids do. Make lots of noise! This isn't about his aspergers in that area. If the father is bothered by that, why the hell is he a dad?

Just put yourself in Seth's shoes. Imagine your mother dying and going to live in a small house with a father that is constantly annoyed by you and his new lady that isn't his mom. He probably doesn't see you that way yet. Someone needs to bond with him in an empathy way. I could sense when people were angry with me. It hurt me. Sometimes I would act up even more because the other person's frustration would build on top of my own frustration as if it were my own frustration times two.


The title. Sometimes I HATE my AS step son. Is it really all his fault that his mother died and he HAS to live with both of you?

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say "Thank you!" again for all of the wonderful responses to this thread. I was so upset after my last post that I stayed away for awhile. Honestly, I was afraid I'd come back to posts telling me what a terrible job I was doing etc. and I was too "on the edge" to deal with any criticism at the time. I am so happy that wasn't the case!

We took a trip back to my home state for the holidays and Seth did pretty great for most of the trip except for one GIGANTIC melt-down that was (in hind-sight) partly my husband's and mine's fault for how we handled it. We *are* learning, and the excellent break downs of how handling a situation slightly differently could change the outcome...has been, just incredibly helpful to me.

One thing that someone said (sorry, I can't remember who) was that I was doing these things to make Seth's life "better", but obviously it wasn't so maybe I should stop for awhile. I have been trying to "stop". This has been partly good, and partly not so good. I disengaged from his homework, which was a huge source of anger and tension between us. His dad took up some of the slack but when we got his last quarterly report he was getting 2 Fs. One was in Math, a class he kept saying he got his work done for, or that he'd turned it in. When I was more involved, I would ask him to show me the work, etc. which would make him really angry because more than 1/2 the time, he hadn't actually done it at all or it was only partially done. This time when we got his report, there was a list of 12 missing assignments in math! So, he's been having to make it all up the past several days but again, I'm trying to get his dad to work with him on that.

Having my husband do more of it is a mixed bag. He gets very frustrated with Seth and then takes it out on me. One thing we are considering is hiring a math tutor for him, if we can afford it. He is in "advanced" math but it's still hard for him. I'm wondering if we should just let him be in regular math. His dad is convinced he needs to be in the advanced math pathway in order to do the kinds of engineering type work he will probably want to do one day. I'm less convinced. Homework is a CONTINUAL source of frustration for all of us. It takes him forever to do his math, if you aren't constantly on him, he'll just sit there staring off into space.

Sigh...

Anyway, things have been bad but we are looking at possibilities. One is, since we can't buy a new house, maybe we could afford to put up a room divider between our living room and kitchen. And maybe we can let Seth do part of his homework upstairs, but then he has to do part of it in his room. Not sure yet, but we're working on that. And I may start a little savings account so I can go and stay in a cheap hotel when I *really* need to get away!

Again, thanks so much to everyone, I have read every comment in this thread, some more than once. i have taken notes, I think about the things people have shared here before I respond to situations at home now. I think all of this is so hard right now, but maybe it will get easier and I plan to keep trying, I do really want for all of us to be a happy family one day!

FYI: if Seth qualifies for supports in school and struggles so much with homework, you can ask for

a) Modified homework
b) An afterschool homework support program (meaning, your school may provide a tutor) Public libraries also sometimes offer this
c) Other time to finish homework at school
d) An aide to help him with homework

I'm so glad to hear that things are going better; I've been thinking of your family. It is a long road, with many steps, so any improvement is a good sign!

Here are some of the issues at work with homework http://learningworksforkids.com/executive.html - your stepson probably DOES need someone to help him - but it doesn't have to be you or your husband; don't let his school off the hook! I, for one, can't fathom why schools allow kids who don't turn in homework to get failing grades: it's not really an incentive to change their behavior, more like an excuse to give up - nobody learns anything that way! I plan on talking to our district (as I hear this from all kinds of parents of all kinds of kids) that they implement consequences for missing work (e.g. do the work at recess, stay after school, do an extra credit project, etc.)



Here are some good strategies for homework: http://www.ldonline.org/article/29043/

I agree that just giving an F doesn't seem helpful at all. Also, we will be sure to find out what kind of help/accommodations he qualifies for. It's so frustrating that we have to wait until next month to even begin the evaluation process for him. Now that my husband is on board with it, I just want to get it done right away but alas, I must be patient.

In another thread, I saw this strategy for moving up the testing:

That's very interesting, it sounds like they were having the testing done through the school, we are paying for this ourselves and that was the first appointment that the specialist had available. It is very expensive, I wonder now if we should try and get it done through the school? I'm not even sure they have the capability to do it. Hmmm, thanks for bringing this to my attention!

Are you in the US? You need to familiarize yourself with special education law. I'd still get the outside assessment done, but tell the school you want them to do one, too - and let them know you have that appointment! Is he not getting any specific, written accommodations from the school? THAT could be a large part of your problem. He should have at minimum a 504 plan, if not an IEP.

Here's a good broad overview for kids in the US. Most other countries have some kind of similar system :http://school.familyeducation.com/special-education/ada/38439.html