What would have helped me as an Aspie child

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Is it OK that a lot of the posts on this thread make me sad? I hurt for all the pain that was brought on the members of this site by people who should have protected them. I'm grateful for the insight that will make me a better mother to my own Aspie.

Oh, and I agree with auntyjack 100%

I was not diagnosed as a child. but what helped me the most was a VHS tape. I don't know where we got it (I think it was one of my mom's exe's), it was some sort of miss manners, modeling tape. It went through how to walk(toe-heel), what to wear, who shakes hands first in a given situation(elder first), how to hold your head/neck, how to sit correctly in a chair (as a lady), the appropriate things to talk about in social situations (i even know how to do a place setting for a full 7 course meal, how to hold the silver and what each piece is used for). I discovered it in our cabinet when I was about 7 and I must have watched it a bajillion times. It was fascinating, and it was something that, had I never found the tape, I might not have known that I really didn't know to do as I got older. I don't know if mom still has it, but if she does, i'll find the name of it and post it here. (it won't help as much for boys but still, the idea is there)

I advocate this, because a tape is cheap, won't stress a child, they can pause and rewind all they want to.

things my mom did that helped (now that I look back):
letting me hold pinkies instead of hands
buying me a book from walmart/dollar store whenever we went in (books-my main obsession)
tucking in "snug as a bug in a rug"
not freaking the first time i rearranged my room by myself (when i was
taking me to auctions/garage sales/bazaars and just letting us look

things my mom did that drove me nuts:
tickling me (incessantly)
cracking my knuckles
teasing me about the friends i did have
coming up and bear hugging me all the time
taking down stuff that i had created (twist-tie wall across my room- hey it had doorways)
Making me invite people over for my birthday (it's my birthday it should be for me)

Now I am of the mind that as a child, aspergians should be taught how to interact with other children/adults on their level, but it should not be forced on them that they have to all the time. It would have saved me a world of trouble to know I didn't have to feel guilty or wrong for not wanting to do what the other high school kids wanted to do with their free time.

how do you walk toe to heel. I can't figure out how that would work without injuring your foot or making you unnaturally bounce like a toe walker does

lol... in high heels.... one foot in front of the other..... in a straight line... i told you it was like a modeling video

Funny - my eight year old daughter walks on her toes all the time. We were told it could be a sign of AS and/or related to her sensory issues. I wish there was a tape that taught how to walk heel to toe!

An interest in me rather than an interest in establishing control. Standing up for me when I was being bullied. Learning more about my peer culture so that ways could have been found to help me fit in better, rather than letting me figure out for myself. Or insisting I fit in then when I tried, sabotaging those efforts because of lack of knowlege of what peer expectations were for my generation. Focusing more on grades than on developing a healthy social life because of the above. Withholding money/access to transportation so I could not participate equally with peers, at the same time insisting that socialization was a desirable goal. Taking enough interest in me that if college was the desired goal, to work with me on finding ways to pay for it instead of saying, you have to go oh by the way there is no money and guess what you don't qualify for financial aid and because we insisted you take college prep you don't have any real skills either. To not put needless obstacles in my way then wonder why I don't accomplish anything. To not be treated as a problem.

And why, oh, why, was my obsession with horses something to be stamped out at any cost (so that today even the sight of a horse causes immense emotional pain). Why was it so wrong, what was so wrong with me wanting to learn to ride that it could not be done? Why couldn't that interest been worked with to develop a rewarding career? Instead, now I live in Dilbert's cubicle. Ah, but I am a SUCCESS!!

"I promise you you'll be happy, but even if you're not, there's more to life than that--don't ask me what!" -- Fiddler on the Roof.

I think I got lucky. My Dad was a beatnik, intellectual and I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he's an Aspie too. I was left to my own devices a lot and wasn't treated as weird just because I preferred to sit in a tree and read rather than hang out with the other kids.

I don't know if I'd change much about my parents, I think they did a great job in spite of the fact that they had no idea that I'm an Aspie; or even of what an Aspie is.

That said, they gave me a lot of stuff without realizing it.

They gave me self-esteem. They made me know that regardless of what other people thought of me, what I think of me is far more important.

Things that I would give my kid if he or she were an Aspie?

- The modelling tape the other girl talked about... I had modelling lessons.
- Acting lessons.
- Public Speaking - I joined Toastmasters
- How to win friends and influence people. Dale Carnegie didn't know it but he's a Godsend to Aspies (well, to me anyway).
- Al-Anon. Although it might not apply because me and my husband aren't alcoholics. But what Al-Anon gave me was a support group where I was able to talk about my feelings and my stresses and what was going on in my life, good or bad and the group supported me without judgement of any kind. It's truly, truly, truly, the only place where I have ever felt 100% completely accepted. (With the possible exception of WP).

The Aspie child should not be taught to view life as a competition.

oh... Now, I could be wrong, but I have to disagree with that thought, in principle. I think it is imperative that the aspie learn that life is a competition, whether or not he is going to choose to compete should be up to him (or her) though.

Then, if he (or she) decides they're going to compete, they need to learn the tools that will help them. If you teach them not to view life as a competition, you could be inadvertently handing them a handicap.

My son, 7 years old, came to my wife and I this year and said he wanted to join the Ski Club at school ( a program for 2nd through 5th graders).

While it's an individual activity, the idea of "club" was a HUGE step for him. We were THRILLED for him that he wanted to do it.

He did fantastic. We were so happy for him

What I do for my 10 yo aspie is....


He HAS to be involved in atleast one activity at all times or social skills... but he can pick the activity.

I dont care if its basket weaving, boogie picking or ass scratching, as long as it is in a social setting.

Ashlie (Mom of Toby)

I think that's a great idea.

I second this.

Hi, Im new to the site and a mum of a 13y.o boy just diagnosed with AS... I am reading these posts and crying because I just want my son to be happy no matter what he can and cant do, I dont want to do the wrong thing by him and cause him the anguish that some of you have experienced, what is most heartbreaking is he so desperately wants freinds and to be included but other than two friends he has had through primary school (thank the gods for Alex & Alex, and yes they are both Alex's), other kids just dont get him & can only deal with him for a short time, this makes him lonely and frustrated and I have no idea how to help him or what to teach him, even adults who dont know any better openly show their intolerance.
I see him as a vibrant enthusiastic, unique & cooky (like his mum) and a totally wonderful and brilliant boy with a heart of gold, i just wish others could see what I see in him.
Also, although we have through restructuring of our routine and management of his meltdowns reduced them nearly entirely, they still build, is there any advice some of you who have AS could give me to give to him on how to self manage these meltdowns because as he gets older Im not always going to be there to help him calm down.

Lissa

Fighting.
Social life between parents.

What would have helped me is some understanding.