Sometimes I HATE my AS step-son

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Yes, we're in the US. I will check out that link of resources... thanks!

Missing assignments. The bane of existence for almost all middle school boys, from what I've noticed.

If his test scores are good in the advanced math, he should stay in advanced math. The grade is from the missing assignments, which work exponentially to drag a grade down, and reflect ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS, but NOT LEARNING. And this gets extra difficult for Aspies because (a) they are keenly aware of how it does not reflect their learning, so the emphasis defies logic to them, (b) they tend to have executive function (organizational skill) issues and (c) the situation is stressful, which just makes it all worse.

So many kids do the homework and forget to turn it in, which creates that dead weight zero. And zeros are nearly impossible to catch up from, just do the math on it. Below 60% is an F.

I found it helped to basically tell my son that I agreed the policy was basically #&@!*(! but that real life means we often have to conform to #&@*!( policies because doing so helps us meet a goal. Then we worked on strategies to make him more successful under the grading rubric. We didn't talk about it as something he was doing wrong, but as figuring out how to give the school what they wanted. Once he understood it more as a "game" than an attempt to measure his learning, somehow it got easier for him to comply with (what we see as) the nonsensical grading rubric.

I can rant forever about those grading rubrics, but the end result is we seem to be stuck with them. If the issue is extreme you might be able to get an IEP accommodation, but I found it better to simply ask the academic support teacher to help and act as an intermediary.

There seem to be two theories behind the massive "grade everything" system currently in use. First, it favors organized, "try hard" students who may have more difficulty acing tests. Second, it enhances classroom discipline.

I was ready to start a revolution when a teacher told me that last one, "it is a classroom discipline measure." My son was in danger of flunking due to a classroom discipline measure? Great. So fair. NOT. That child of mine pays attention in class and never gossips with friends.

The policy also favors girls, who are developmentally ahead of boys at this age when it comes to organizational skills. I have a daughter as well as a son, and I never thought that making school more female friendly meant basically harming boys. And those F's DO harm boys and their sense of academic self, yet the main reason is developmental: they developmentally aren't ready in early middle school for the organizational requirements it takes to not have zeros.

Like I said, I can rant forever about those grading rubrics.

One thing we did was tell our son was that WE would never penalize him for the bad grades as long as we felt he was doing his best and actually learning. He appreciated that. And he did, eventually, learn to get all the papers in. And when something slipped, he learned to work out some extra credit from the teacher. He got it all sorted out for himself in time for high school and is now straight A's.

My son had a perfect score on the national eighth grade science achievement test. But he never got an A in science in middle school. Because of missing assignments.

Oh no! I went through this as a kid and I don't recommend trying to plan the kid's life out for him. My dad also expected me to go into engineering and I took all the advanced math classes in high school - and hated them. I often had to stay after school to get extra help from the math teacher. I sill have nightmares about this to this day.

And I did start college with an engineering major - this lasted maybe a year and a half. I would've flunked out if I hadn't changed my major.

I work in finance now, in case you are interested in knowing.

This is a good point.

I guess I should amend my post to say "assuming the child wants to be in advanced math."

In my experience, missing assignments is a problem with the grading rubric, and not the material. I'm seeing all sorts of boys who LOVE math having trouble with the grading, and that doesn't get better by bouncing back down to regular from advanced math. The rubric is still focused on turning the rote work in.

It is also worth noting that being in the advanced class in 6th or 7th grade may not be that important to his future. I was all freaked out when my son was placed in "regular" 8th grade algebra, instead of "advanced" algebra (they had dropped the advanced class entirely), only to have it make zero difference. He still made honors geometry for freshman year in high school, just as he wanted to, and he will complete calculus as a senior.

My daughter made it into pre-algebra for 6th grade (something that wasn't offered my son's year), meaning she will do algebra in 7th, and so ... but also meaning she will run out of math by junior year in high school, unless she transfers to a different school, since multi-variable calculus isn't offered.

She does have the luxury of being able to mess up one year and still be on track, which is something my son does not have. But since he's pulling an A in honors geometry as a freshman in high school, I'm not particularly worried.

We do get very locked into these ideas of needing A to get to B to get to C, but that isn't always true. If it turns out that the advanced nature of the class is what is stressful, then it may not be a big deal to his future to make a change. It would certainly be worth asking about.

Which comes back to, has anyone asked Seth what the problem is and what he wants? I'm still betting on a simple developmental gap (see previous post), but you never know.

BTW - What I did with my older guy was let him fail, and told him that I would jump in and help when he invited me. He has had some pretty crappy grades, but really, I think that he is getting what he needs for the options that he is considering. In addition, when he sees his grades slipping, he is open to my helping him get back on track.

It's no longer a power struggle because it is HIS education and life. It's not mine, it's all about him. I am happy to support him, but if he's not interested, that's OK. I trust that he's a smart guy and will figure out what he needs to do.

I am with DW_a mom in that I did fight the schools to allow my son into the classes that he tested into, not graded into. We have always had trouble with zeroes (nt and as boys), this has meant that he had to take extra tests sometimes. Twice he took summer online classes to prove that he mastered the lower course content, which he blew through because he knew the content. It did show him the value of passing the classes and getting the papers in. He always seems to be fixing one of his school year mistakes over the summer. I did say it was his life, right?

I don't have any desire to power struggle with my kids. I want them to have all of the options in the world but if it's not important to them to have ivy league options, and they end up plumbers, it will be ok.

I say stuff like this - the zeroes are killing your grades. (I check for understanding of the math, so they understand how much the zeros kill them) Then I ask how they want to handle the problem. I will say something like - I'll help you however you want me to, but this is for you to solve.

Yikes, this thread, and situation has gone on for a long time. I feel really badly for all of you. The son because it sounds like he has so little control...dad because as an as person, he had his life arranged the way he wanted it only to have this thrust upon him. That doesn't feel good....and you, who thought things were going to be okay...and then had this situation thrust upon you. I really think if at all possible a bigger space is necessary. My daughter has AS, and she has similar issues to this boy...she talks incessently about her "topics", has few friends she spends any time with (though that's really improved in the last year)....and is rigid. I (like your dh) love my space and quiet. I think it would have been easier for your dh if he'd had his son all along because even though it would have been hard, he would be better used to the rules of being a parent. With my daughter, I know I have to spend time with her. Now sometimes I really want to....I miss her when she is not around...but other times I'd honestly rather be alone, except I know that she does need companionship, and I'm the one who decided to have her, so that's my responsibility even when I'm not feeling particularly loving towards her. I honestly think the biggest problem here is that this situation has been thrust upon all three of you, with no instructions as to how to get through it. Maybe you guys need to discuss some sort of a tag team arrangement...take turns spending time together...and with each other. Or maybe even a family schedule?

But back to the space issue...the best we've ever done together (my daughter and I) is in our new home....we each have a bedroom and there's plenty of common space. The whole thing just feels better. We had so many more problems when it was cramped. She honestly seems a lot happier now than she used to be...and complains less.

I'm sure you've gotten lots of advice in this thread, the main thing is my heart really goes out to you.

B

Kailua mom, that sounds like exactly the transition I've gone through about grades this year....or am going through. I decided I needed to just let go of it. I've let her know that hey....it's your life. And I am of the understanding that it's entirely possible that she'll fail out of the school she's in. On the other hand, it isn't the only school she can go to...but in the end, she really does have to learn to do this...she doesn't accept help very easily, and i've let her know that I'll only help if she asks me (and then you can't ask for help and start yelling at me either). But she does have lots of zeros for not handing in work...summer school is in her future, I'm fairly certain.

I googled a similar tagline and found this forum. I cannot believe how much my experience has paralleled yours, Step. I met my stepson when he was eight, his father and I married when he was ten, and when he was nearly fourteen, his mother killed herself and he came to live with us full time. He is sixteen now.
The situation quickly became a nightmare for me and it has strained my marriage, which I'm ashamed to say I resent my stepson, Isaac for. I am frustrated by him to when I how he doesn't have the skills to address some of his self-centered behavior. I become frustrated by my husband by not investing the effort or seeing how important it is to teach him those skills. I feel I've self-sacrificed for so long and not recieved much return for it. Isaac and his father have turned me into a scapegoat. Not that I'm not guilty, Isaac has violated personal boundaries, personal privacy and expectations of respect and I've screamed at him more than once. His father, I believe, like your husband, Step, is parent from a place of guilt. He sets up Isaac for failure by not creating boundaries, rules and expectations for Isaac. Our marriage is strained and I honestly resent Isaac for it. And I feel guilt that I'm unable to make the situation better. I feel guilt that my main motivator for interacting with Isaac is to ensure he develops the skills to live independently of us one day.
We also live in an isolated, rural area, our house is also an open floor plan --with one bathroom! After school Isaac used to monopolize his father's time, but as Gabe began pulling away from him, Isaac spends time alone in his room stimming on his restricted interests and not doing his homework or learning to interact properly.
He had a falling out with his peers and has spent this school year with his grandmother and, god what a releif, but something has got to give before he returns to live with us, which is the plan. I made an ultimatum that we have to build a second bathroom before Isaac returns. That will at least help me feel comfortable in my own home, but there is so much more to be done. I don't like watching my husband be a bad father, (he also says and does hurtful things like insulting and ignoring Isaac). I feel guilty hoping that Gabe will decide that living with his grandmother is the best option for Isaac, and I worry that In a few years I will be responsible for having raised and offensive, inept poorly adapted adult. The situation is sometimes beyond my ability to stomach.

A bit off topic, but is the Dyson good? My Dad wants to know if it's worth the extra cost.



Wow, you've been through a lot.

On the one hand, an important reminder to some of us that NT doesn't mean having an easy life. On the other hand, do you think your personal baggage ever affects how you interact with Seth? I know a lot of times stress can bring out stuff from our childhoods that we thought we'd resolved, and certainly many people have found that while parenting they unconsciously echo how they themselves were parented - or go too far trying to avoid being like their parents.



While I understand wanting gratitude, to be blunt, a child should never be expected to express gratitude for a stable home life. I once had a kitten who would roll on the floor purring in gratitude when I gave him food and water, and while I liked the behaviour, I knew it was a good thing when he stopped doing that - it meant he finally felt that he could count on us wanting to keep him alive.

Besides, judging from everything you've said here, I'm kind of surprised to hear you think this is a stable home life. It certainly isn't how I would define that. A bunch of school problems, a father who gets overloaded and yells and gets physical with him, a stepmother who is really frustrated and unhappy dealing with him, and his own unresolved grief and emotional instability - to be honest, Seth's life really sucks. Why would he be grateful for that?

Yes, he could have it a lot worse, but he doesn't know that. And it's good that he doesn't. For him to really appreciate how much worse it could be, he'd have to live it, and no one wants that. (I hope.)



I disagree. It's the effect, not the intent, that defines abuse.

I've heard of child molesters who genuinely believe the child enjoyed and consented to the stuff they did. I know of a young woman who didn't feed her baby for 3 days because she genuinely thought he wasn't hungry. (He had a disability and didn't cry from hunger.) Probably the vast majority of abusers never intended to hurt anyone, especially the ones they love - but that doesn't make the harm they did any less.