18 May 2019, 11:33 am
Shaming you for not sleeping was not normal. Your parents showed obvious control freak symptoms.
I didn't sleep in the same bed as my parents but in the same room - we had only one room to use.
It always took me ages to fall asleep. My mother remembers once waking up in the middle of the night to discover everyone was asleep except for the little me. I was telling myself a fairy tale of my own invention.
I remember things in the room turning into monstrous shapes but I wasn't afraid - but it might just be my unusual way of processing fear.
My daughters shared a bed when they were very little but it didn't work out - one of them moves a lot in her sleep and the other is extremely easy to wake. Now they have separate loft beds in a shared small room. They often fall asleep in my bed and then I carry them to their room. We sometimes sleep together when my husband is absent but otherwise we just can't fit in one bed 
18 May 2019, 11:54 am
magz wrote:
Shaming you for not sleeping was not normal. Your parents showed obvious control freak symptoms.
That's the whole point of this thread. Me being a "good kid" (read: docile) became a license to ramp up expectations to unreachably high levels. Because hey, what recourse would I have? None! Now, if I were a bad kid, my parents would be grateful that I'm saying "thank you" after dinner and not destroying stuff. "Expectations", like falling asleep quickly enough, wouldn't even be on the radar.magz wrote:
I remember things in the room turning into monstrous shapes but I wasn't afraid - but it might just be my unusual way of processing fear.
I remember this too. 
Although my visions were more like seeing the room get progressively darker and darker until it went pitch black, even with my eyes open, which would jar me awake. Lather, rinse, repeat. This didn't happen every night, but many. Although to be honest, I was more scared of the chandelier in the hall and being caught awake. My room wasn't even that dark. Our condominium faced a city street, so the streetlights usually shined into my window. Although one night, when the streetlights didn't come on, that's when it was scary.
18 May 2019, 12:01 pm
20 May 2019, 2:54 pm
20 May 2019, 2:59 pm
26 May 2019, 9:45 am
DW_a_mom wrote:
Do you ever actually read anything I write? It really seems like you did not in this thread. I spent a lot of time on thoughts you clearly failed to absorb in any form.
You start from incorrect assumptions about the majority of parents, and that makes all your speculation moot in my opinion. You presume to know us, but you do not, and you aren't exhibiting any willingness to listen. Its really frustrating.
Yes, I read your posts defending the conventional family unit. As much as I want to, I can't agree with any of them. It's far, far too easy to justify excessive expectations and arbitrary rules (like limiting water intake) as "caring", "knowing better", and "wanting the best for the child" You start from incorrect assumptions about the majority of parents, and that makes all your speculation moot in my opinion. You presume to know us, but you do not, and you aren't exhibiting any willingness to listen. Its really frustrating.
. As expected, good kids get the brunt of it. Being left alone and free is what constitutes respect in my beliefs, and only bad kids usually get that. Hence, "respect more".What's sadly ironic is that Russia, our Cold War nemesis that allegedly tampered with the 2016 elections and has a poor mental healthcare system, actually created an aspie-friendly environment for good kids to grow up in (those communal apartments, that is). Think about it: There were very few cases of childhood anxiety when such apartments were around. (As opposed to today in the US, where every family cocoons itself from the big, bad outside world, kids are gobbling up Prozac like M&Ms.) Granted, it was driven by Communist Party politics and housing shortages, rather than by concern for good kids. But the unintended result is astonishing, and will never happen in the US. (It was dismantled 30 years later, by a mass construction, so each family could have its own apartment.) Today, communal apartments continue to exist in Russian cities to a limited extent, but only among college students and poor elderly persons, not families with kids.
26 May 2019, 10:08 am
Aspie1 wrote:
Yes, I read your posts defending the conventional family unit. As much as I want to, I can't agree with any of them. It's far, far too easy to justify excessive expectations and arbitrary rules (like limiting water intake) as "caring", "knowing better", and "wanting the best for the child" .
.How is "conventional family unit" equated to "excessive expectations and arbitrary rules (like limiting water intake)"?
Those are two independent factors.
What happened in your nuclear family is not the norm.
Face it, your parents were freaks.
26 May 2019, 10:48 am
26 May 2019, 12:15 pm
28 May 2019, 12:26 am
Aspie1 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Do you ever actually read anything I write? It really seems like you did not in this thread. I spent a lot of time on thoughts you clearly failed to absorb in any form.
You start from incorrect assumptions about the majority of parents, and that makes all your speculation moot in my opinion. You presume to know us, but you do not, and you aren't exhibiting any willingness to listen. Its really frustrating.
Yes, I read your posts defending the conventional family unit. As much as I want to, I can't agree with any of them. It's far, far too easy to justify excessive expectations and arbitrary rules (like limiting water intake) as "caring", "knowing better", and "wanting the best for the child" You start from incorrect assumptions about the majority of parents, and that makes all your speculation moot in my opinion. You presume to know us, but you do not, and you aren't exhibiting any willingness to listen. Its really frustrating.
. As expected, good kids get the brunt of it. Being left alone and free is what constitutes respect in my beliefs, and only bad kids usually get that. Hence, "respect more".What's sadly ironic is that Russia, our Cold War nemesis that allegedly tampered with the 2016 elections and has a poor mental healthcare system, actually created an aspie-friendly environment for good kids to grow up in (those communal apartments, that is). Think about it: There were very few cases of childhood anxiety when such apartments were around. (As opposed to today in the US, where every family cocoons itself from the big, bad outside world, kids are gobbling up Prozac like M&Ms.) Granted, it was driven by Communist Party politics and housing shortages, rather than by concern for good kids. But the unintended result is astonishing, and will never happen in the US. (It was dismantled 30 years later, by a mass construction, so each family could have its own apartment.) Today, communal apartments continue to exist in Russian cities to a limited extent, but only among college students and poor elderly persons, not families with kids.
Very specifically, did you read my April 7th post on page 9?
Isolated family units are only a problem when you have bad parents.
Communal living would have been horrible for both my kids. Being around people has always increased the frequency of my son's meltdowns and anxiety. He is drawn to people, but it stresses him out. We figured that out by the time he was 4. Periods of high social exposure always had to be followed by alone time in one of his safe places. How would he get that in a crowded living situation?
Every child is different. It is the job of the parents to figure out what that means. Clearly, your parents did not figure it out for you, and I feel for you on that. But would 20 adults all simultaneously failing to understand you have been better? Or are you convinced enough of the other adults would have figured you out to have improved your happiness? I wouldn't count it; very few adults in my son's life understood him on their own. They usually needed me to explain him before the light bulb went off and they were able to meet his needs.
28 May 2019, 12:34 am
auntblabby
Veteran
Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,571
Location: the island of defective toy santas
28 May 2019, 12:42 am
28 May 2019, 12:55 am
DW_a_mom wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Do you ever actually read anything I write? It really seems like you did not in this thread. I spent a lot of time on thoughts you clearly failed to absorb in any form.
You start from incorrect assumptions about the majority of parents, and that makes all your speculation moot in my opinion. You presume to know us, but you do not, and you aren't exhibiting any willingness to listen. Its really frustrating.
Yes, I read your posts defending the conventional family unit. As much as I want to, I can't agree with any of them. It's far, far too easy to justify excessive expectations and arbitrary rules (like limiting water intake) as "caring", "knowing better", and "wanting the best for the child" You start from incorrect assumptions about the majority of parents, and that makes all your speculation moot in my opinion. You presume to know us, but you do not, and you aren't exhibiting any willingness to listen. Its really frustrating.
. As expected, good kids get the brunt of it. Being left alone and free is what constitutes respect in my beliefs, and only bad kids usually get that. Hence, "respect more".What's sadly ironic is that Russia, our Cold War nemesis that allegedly tampered with the 2016 elections and has a poor mental healthcare system, actually created an aspie-friendly environment for good kids to grow up in (those communal apartments, that is). Think about it: There were very few cases of childhood anxiety when such apartments were around. (As opposed to today in the US, where every family cocoons itself from the big, bad outside world, kids are gobbling up Prozac like M&Ms.) Granted, it was driven by Communist Party politics and housing shortages, rather than by concern for good kids. But the unintended result is astonishing, and will never happen in the US. (It was dismantled 30 years later, by a mass construction, so each family could have its own apartment.) Today, communal apartments continue to exist in Russian cities to a limited extent, but only among college students and poor elderly persons, not families with kids.
Very specifically, did you read my April 7th post on page 9?
Isolated family units are only a problem when you have bad parents.
Communal living would have been horrible for both my kids. Being around people has always increased the frequency of my son's meltdowns and anxiety. He is drawn to people, but it stresses him out. We figured that out by the time he was 4. Periods of high social exposure always had to be followed by alone time in one of his safe places. How would he get that in a crowded living situation?
Every child is different. It is the job of the parents to figure out what that means. Clearly, your parents did not figure it out for you, and I feel for you on that. But would 20 adults all simultaneously failing to understand you have been better? Or are you convinced enough of the other adults would have figured you out to have improved your happiness? I wouldn't count it; very few adults in my son's life understood him on their own. They usually needed me to explain him before the light bulb went off and they were able to meet his needs.
DW, I know what you mean about the communal living. It would've been horrible for me as well as a kid.
Aspie1, I don't know the full story as we don't have your parent's side of the story. But I will accept that your experiences are true. Here is what I see you as doing and I'm not an expert. I'm an autistic person myself so please forgive anything I'm ignorant about or anything I get wrong. Your taking your own experiences and applying them in a general way. This is a fallacy in logic called a hasty generalization.
Aspie1, Another thing, we are both autistic so this is difficult for both of us. You're looking at the mechanism of parenting itself (I tend to do this to in many areas as well so I understand) instead of the human component (i.e. bonds that parents share with children or at least good parents especially the mother's bond. A number of mothers have a special bond with their children. I don't understand it but I accept it is there and I've seen it. I don't know if I'm explaining well.)
28 May 2019, 6:44 am
DW_a_mom wrote:
Communal living would have been horrible for both my kids. Being around people has always increased the frequency of my son's meltdowns and anxiety. He is drawn to people, but it stresses him out. We figured that out by the time he was 4. Periods of high social exposure always had to be followed by alone time in one of his safe places. How would he get that in a crowded living situation?
I was very drawn to people too; trouble making friends didn't become an issue until I was 10. I loved it when my family had guests or went as guests to someone's home. More often than not, the other family had kids of their own, and I bonded with these kids quite well. So it meant that for at least one evening, I wasn't going to be lonely. In fact, I always nearly cried when they had to leave or when I had to go home again. Having another family live in my home as perpetual guests of sorts felt like paradise. It meant the fun of playing together never had to stop. Plus, non-family adults were nicer to me, even if they were on my parents' side in everything.DW_a_mom wrote:
Every child is different. It is the job of the parents to figure out what that means. Clearly, your parents did not figure it out for you, and I feel for you on that. But would 20 adults all simultaneously failing to understand you have been better? Or are you convinced enough of the other adults would have figured you out to have improved your happiness? I wouldn't count it; very few adults in my son's life understood him on their own. They usually needed me to explain him before the light bulb went off and they were able to meet his needs.
It just might be better, I don't know. Outside of laughing at me when I said something intelligent, non-family adults were generally respectful to me, without me needing to be a bad kid. Perhaps I had that inquisitive "aspie" look on my face, which gave them cuteness overload. So basically, I could still coast on that even after I aged out of physical cuteness. And cuteness often gets you better treatment. Hey, today, I'm more likely to approach a woman who looks cute.
28 May 2019, 1:28 pm
28 May 2019, 1:58 pm
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