Aspartners: Questions

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Yes, I was hostile back and honestly I should've not been hostile back. I just do not like it when I spoken to like I am a piece of s**t which is what they did. It just galls me and it galls me even more when someone presents themselves as though they're superior to me and better than me. I just don't appreciate it. Two wrongs do not make a right. Yes, it is like we're from two different planets.

This is what we're dealing with.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-wzr74d7TI[/youtube]

Last edited by cubedemon6073 on 05 Feb 2014, 7:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I do currently have a job, not a great one, but at least it makes me a few dollars. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to keep it though, as I've heard a lot of people say that the company I work for is notorious for cutting back hours and having a high turnover rate. Because of this, and the fact that I can't think of any other places which would hire me at this moment, I am putting in an extra effort to hold onto my job.

As for letting a potential partner know I have AS, it's not really a big deal for me. I know I'm somewhat of a weird person, and I don't try to present myself as anything other than who I am. Most of my friends and family know I have it, and the only people I haven't told are the ones who wouldn't "get" it, accept it, or even care. Of course, I wouldn't go out with someone who doesn't at least have some understanding of what AS is, or who would unwilling to learn. I'm pretty well assimilated into NT society by aspie standards, but this has come from years of simply having to adapt to survive.

Cubedemon,

I know it is hard to get answers, but the people over at that site are not founts of wisdom. The do not have apies' best interests at heart no matter how empathetic they claim to be. That woman wants her ex to fail in life. I think she is the one who complained that her ex found another woman super quick, which she obviously resents b/c she wants him to be as miserable (or more) than she is. It is how some people feel when their relationships fail. They want the other person to be unhappy.

Remember this is a person who is unhappy and wallowing in that unhappiness. Him being happy would make her feel even worse and even more the victim. So she does not want him to better himself and learn how to communicate better.

I would not recommend telling potential future employers that you have AS. I do not view this as dishonest. Others may disagree, with this, but I do not think this counts as a lie of omission. If you do not feel it hampers your ability to do your job, you should not disclose it. Employers are not supposed to discriminate on the basis of disability, but in real life they do.

If it has no bearing on your ability to do your job, then it is none of their business. I don't know if this is part of the problem, but it may be. If at some point I am able to return to the work force, I would not disclose my unofficial diagnosis. I can pass well enough, and if they can tell I am a bit odd, well, then I look odd. That is enough to have to overcome in an interview. If I were not married, and still dating, I would disclose it b/c IMO it is much more relevant to a personal relationship than for a job.

One thing I find amazing about this whole thread is many of the resident aspies here are trying so hard to give the aspartners the benefit of the doubt. I imagine that having the sort of "mind-blindness" that goes along with AS, you have learned to start from that default assumption: if I don't get something, I just need to try harder. Not only does this seem like a tremendously adaptive way to handle AS, but it's selfless, kind and humble to think that way. Assuming that in a disagreement, others must be right in some way, is a difficult skill to master (for everyone), and takes quite a bit of restraint. Acknowledging your limitations and compensating in that way shows a lot of strength of character.

Just because that strategy is generally helpful and appreciated, doesn't mean it always will be. As an often overconfident NT person, let me reassure you...there is very little logical or rational about many of the posts on aspartners. I read a few of them a while ago and then quickly gave up, realizing that it was not worth my time to try to make sense of them. The posts seem like word salad (as cubedemon put it) because many of the people there are writing from pure emotion, and not taking the time to think through what they are saying. Please don't waste your energy on trying to understand these people who have used no energy to try to understand you. It will only frustrate and hurt you in the long run. As my above compliment will attest; you guys are great, and don't deserve that kind of headache.

I spent about 45 minutes reading the posts on ASPartners, trying to see if there was anybody on there who actually had some respect for people with AS. There were a few, but they were largely overshadowed by people who regarded aspies as subhuman individuals not worthy of respect. There were also a large number of people on there who thought that aspies and NTs should "stick to their own kind" and not have relationships or raise each others' children, which eerily reminds me of the racial segregation that occurred in the US for much of the early 20th century.

I misunderstood you then.


We just can't win. They complain about us but yet if we change and work on skills to be better people, they see it as manipulative. It makes me wonder how many NTs think that about us.

How are we giving them the benefit of the doubt?

Well, I know that I am. The truth is they're filled with anger and hatred. What has led to this is their hurt and their emotional pain. This is so difficult to put into words. If they can heal and forgive then their experiences gives them a wealth of information that could help the next generation of aspie children or the generation after the next and the NTs who are in their lives. It would help our descendants to actually succeed and NTs to not to experience this pain. If they were able to subsume their emotions to a more rational based way there would be a power that all of us (NTs and ASDs) could use to transcend the bounds of time itself.

The real enemy is not each other but hatred and ignorance itself. To fight this enemy one must not only use rationality but love itself. If we can do this ourselves, set aside our hatred as well, we can all win a victory that will transcend time itself. Look at MLKJr.

That shows how much more empathy, compassion, and frankly, humanity you have than they do.

(And me too, b/c If you hadn't requested otherwise, I would have torn her to shreds (figuratively.))

I think us and them are figuratively speaking two different languages. I do appreciate what you say here. I will admit I'm not perfect. I have had my share of meltdowns. I do feel bad for having them.

Both of our sides have a lot of baggage to deal with like being misunderstood, anger, hatred, etc. If we could get over this hurtle I believe they could be powerful allies who would want a better future for all of us. I just see these different possibilities.

You have been an excellent person and you have helped me and others a lot. It seems to me you do care a lot for your son and you will try to ensure he has an excellent future. You display empathy towards us here and to your son. I've never understood how people could say we aspies can lack empathy like sociopaths.

Thanks for the kind words.

I don't think they even know there is a difference between sociopaths and aspies. I don't think they know the difference from demonstrating empathy in typical/expected ways vs. actual empathy the feeling.

Honestly, I just wish we had more representation in the social veneer itself. Really, a society is a collection of individuals interacting together under common themes and what happens is individuals compromise with each other for the relationship. There are many different types and amounts of relationships. The whole is what we call society. In this whole minorities don't have as much clout. African Americans are 15% of the population. We're about 1/2 of 1% of the whole population. This means the majority agrees upon (consciously or unconsciously) as to what is socially appropriate, mean, considerate, etc. Sociologists and Anthropologists study these things in various culture. When you have a group of people they form a culture which has a dominant narrative. It is this narrative that defines how people respond in various situations. The narrative means the underlying assumptions and beliefs the culture shares in common.

The USA is contradictory in this regard because it is an extreme individualist culture yet the culture is unified under the individualist tenets like personal responsibility, self-reliance, bootstrapping, freedom of expression, internal locus of control, etc. Yet, under these ideas even though they're preached and in a legal sense the reality is opposite to these theories. The opposite is even though we're all free in a political sense we live in a conformist culture which is consumerist and a hustling based culture as well. People in America seem to always try to show each other out and try to get one over each other which is called competition. Look at workplace politics for example. Conformity is the key to one's success in any given culture like you said. What is unique about the USA is the opposite is what is promoted. The promotion and the theory do not align with reality.

A person's identity comes from nature or nurture. People will defend their culture no matter how flawed it is because you destroy their beliefs you destroy the very essence of who they are. Imagine if one was able to disprove certain facts about the bible. It would cause a cultural shockwave of epic proportions. You would destroy what helped to shape western civilization. This is what the DaVinci Code, the movie, was trying to get across in its fictional message and it is based upon a concept that has truth.

We aspies represent a conundrum for NTs especially those in America. The idea is, in the USA, anyone with some intelligence is able to succeed and pull themselves by their bootstraps. This is called the American Dream. If they truthfully acknowledged we truthfully could not succeed in the USA without significant help their identity would be destroyed. It would be like destroying their very soul. Their whole belief system would be knocked down. I believe this is why they try to sideline us out, high ranking officials ignore us, and try to silence us in indirect means. Inadvertently, we constitute a very threat on their souls and their very identities.

I don't think this is limited to aspies. There are many NTs who can conform in a social sense but not succeed. I don't think aspies are the only ones who question whether we are really in a meritocracy. I don't think all aspies disgree. There are aspies throughout the political spectrum.

I understand what you're saying. I have encountered a few whose politics I don't agree with and let's just say this is why I avoid the politics and philosophy forum for the most part. All some of them do is deal in the facts of the hear and now instead of looking at ideas and possibilities that can help shape our social reality. Trying to discuss things with these aspies with those certain personalities is a frustrating endeavor. It is the same with ASPartners or at least some of the members not all. I can't get either group to think outside of their boxes and it just frustrates me so.

I have been thinking though about doing something. I am thinking of creating three petitions. One is exclusively for those on the autism spectrum asking the government and the American people to put up their tax dollars so those on the spectrum can get the help they need. If we're expected to compromise then I have to ask are the American people willing to put up their tax dollars to help us do this. I think this is a reasonable question.

The other one will be geared towards high school and college graduates who followed a certain paradigm and they ended up failing. They need help desperately and I don't agree with the typical belief in my petition I shall state my rationale.

The third petition that I will ask for is to make social security more general meaning these things

a. Everyone has a personal account in it.
b. A person 18 or over can contribute as much as they want to it in their tax dollars but their is a minimum they have to contribute.
c. Anyone who is under 18, this account is controlled by the child's legal guardians like their parents.
d. The parents can put as much as they want.
e. Anyone else can make a contribution to this account including online donations.
f. The same formulas used to calculate monthly payments is similar to how it is done now.
g. Legal Guardians are required to put a minimum payment into this account.
h. If a person who is 18 or over and mentally unfit then a legal guardian will assume guardianship over this account.

If this can be done I believe this can be used to cut costs including having to pay for professionals like doctors and psychologists. There would be no need to file for retirement or disability. People would always have extra income this way. What do you think?

Sorry, I'm late to the party...

Cubedemon, I just went to the thread and although I think your original message had been deleted, there was a copy there. I'm afraid to say I would have boiled over, too. I'll say why later.

I'm an NT married to one of these really horrific Aspies. Are all of his problems down to AS? - certainly not, but his AS, I think, does magnify most of them.

In the beginning I think I was his special interest. It was crazy flattering. Then I wasn't. That was crazy hurtful. I had my own problems and baggage. He had and still does have many wonderful qualities. Once we had a child things changed. He changed overnight. He loved me less. He became obsessed with weird notions of manliness. He withdrew into different special interests. He became verbally abusive.

He was not able to deal with being a parent. AS issue? Maybe, maybe not. AS-complicated? - definitely.

As hard as I tried to work on making things right, he tried hard to make things my fault.

Am I perfect, no. Have I behaved brilliantly on all fronts in this shambles of a marriage? No. Is it fixable? No. Would I ever date an AS person again? No, I certainly would not.

Oops I didn't say why later on in my post. And now I'm late for something - will edit.