do you like your son/daughter the way they are?

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So true, and isn't that in the end WHY we get our children evaluated? To help change the way they cope with certain things to make their lives easier.

There's a difference between changing the person and changing their lives.


As for me, i was (am) not diagnosed and i had what i call a crash course at life my whole childhood, particularly school since i could pretty much go to my own world once i went home, it was hard and especially the decade from age 4-14 it was painful and i was miserable, lonely and just general unhappy, i didn't ever fit in (even when i got friends at high school i was included and loved but didn't really "fit in") and i didn't understand why, i didn't understand myself or other people or why we reacted to each other the way we did, that's the most positive thing of my self diagnosis, to finally understand that one thing. As a smaller kid (5-9ish) i would come home from school and throw myself on the floor and sob, every day, because the experience was just not something i wasn't built to be able to cope with.

At the end of the day, i don't know that my life would have been better had we known all along i had AS, i am thankful that time in my life is over and many struggles i face now are much more under my control (i.e. i can choose to expose myself to situations or not for the most part) but i certainly wouldn't change myself to have avoided those hardships, as DW_a_mom said, NT or otherwise we ALL go through difficulties in life and changing who we are is never the answer to dealing with those hardships and would not prevent life from being difficult at times.

If someone is extremely disabled, then that is a more difficult question to answer. Example, my neice has spina bifida, her brain is perfect and she is a beautiful healthy normal little 4 year old, but her legs don't work and she can't control her bowels at all. So she is in a wheel chair, has a shunt in her skull to drain fluid from her brain (that would otherwise have her a vegetable a long time ago) As a mother of a child like that, i don't know how i would answer this question. I would want to change her body to make her life easier but would that change her strong willed personality?

At the end of the day, i'm a person of faith, i don't question the reason God creates people the way He does, i just know there is wisdom behind it and love these people who who they are and not what they can and can't do according to "normal"

If I had a magic wand, I'd change our society and this crazy world we live in before I'd ever touch my son. He's beautiful and perfect the way he is; it's the other people who worry me.

If a cure gave my son a better quality of life for himself, then absolutely I would cure him.

I have to be honest... Just my opinion of course... But who would want their kids to live in constant fear, having noise sensitivities, learning difficulties, fear of change, tantrums or twitches they have no control over or be in constant battle with siblings or themselves etc etc and get ridiculed all their lives by ignorant people and not be given same opportunites as NT?

If I could cure my son for his benefit, yes I would in a heartbeat.

With my son, the question is what would the cure take away? His gifts are tied up with the burdens, and he doesn't want to lose his gifts. He is very proud of them. For him, quality of life requires having those gifts. When we discussed the idea of diet changes (which we never were really fully able to commit to, but that is another story) his first question was, "will I lose my unusual mind?" He made it absolutely clear he would NOT want to lose it, even if there is a price to it.

I live like that. Add things like "unable to have hair longer than 2 inches (I'm female) due to sensory overload, no friends, asexual so no romance, spend ten times the amount of time a typical person spends on homework thanks to executive dysfunction, bullied during childhood, beaten up by people who saw me as vulnerable, occasionally shut down so completely as to freeze in place..."

Oh, yeah, and I like my life this way. I prefer it because those things are part of who I am. All those things are attached to my personality, my own mind and my own life. My life is worth living. My disability is not shameful.

Why is your life preferable to mine? Just because YOU wouldn't like to live that way doesn't mean I'm not happy that way. A typical girl my age is going through romantic drama and social craziness; I'm going through overloads and brain fog and facing the prejudice of the world against people like me.

Life is difficult however way you look at it. Just because some difficulties are "normal" and others are not doesn't make one kind of life preferable to the other.

Life with a disability is not inherently worse than life without one. You can solve most of the problems that come with being autistic just by working to make the world accept us, the way they are growing to accept black people and gay people and women who vote and have "men's" jobs. You don't have to do anything about my brain to make my life a thousand percent better. I would much prefer all those people collecting money for "curing autism" would instead turn that money to getting us education and employment and a life where we're respected and treated like human beings instead of walking tragedies or empty shells.

I can live just fine in a world where my typical neighbor is going through a difficult break-up while I'm walking aimlessly back and forth because I'm off-routine and can't figure out how to restart my house-cleaning efforts, if the world looks at us both without pity or condescension, as equally valuable people with the exact same rights.

Well said, Callista. Your whole post is eloquent and beautiful.

Ditto Saja.

My point exactly.

I understand the want to make your childs life easier and better. But i would never change anything about them, if they wanted to change themselves... that's another story, i wouldn't want them to but they have more right to themselves than i do.

Oh Sorry Callista, it wasn't my intention to offend you if I did. Clearly you are happy....

Was it so silly and selfish of me to even care to think of my son having an easier/smoother life without having the added struggles I mentioned above... and possibly the issues you mentioned you lived through and then more??
Yeah, you are right... let him have all those added struggles and pressures! Hell Why not!! I'm sure he'll enjoy all of the extra challenges he'll face and find it charactor building for him.

I feel it is my Job as a parent to want the very best I can offer for my children...

And in MY opinion...My Son's personality and gifts or talents are within him regardless of ASD or not... Autism is not the core to his soul and does not make him entirely the person he is... So I dont' believe a cure in taking away noise sensitivities and things that are clearly upsetting him or hindering his abilities will change the core person that he is.

You may be right, but please understand that those of us who are autistic think these things are core to our souls. They make us who we are, and to remove them would be to change us in ways that frighten us and make us unrecognizable to ourselves.

I, for one, want to understand how I can structure my environment to work for me instead of against me, rather than how to change myself so I can fit into any environment.

Well that's very comforting to know, thankyou. Yes, I totally get where you are coming from.

I never veiw my Son's charactor or personality being defined because of his Autism. I see his personality and charactor first. But yes, I see what you mean... all traits regardless of name, make you who you are.

When I thought of "cure"... It was to take away the things that he is clearly struggling with. It kills me to see him so upset and battle with certain things...

But if I knew he would struggle more to have them taken away, then obviously I would not consider removing them!

I guess it would also depend on the level on how affected individuals are by the Autism. I'm sure my Son will be able to tell me one day if he wished there was a cure or not. Each person is unique... you just never know what his particular feelings will be...

2PreciousSouls, i understand entirely where you are coming from. I'm sure most mothers would.

The way i look at it, Aspergers/Autism is just a name given to certain character traits (well Lower functioning Autism i think may be more than that) the traits make it difficult to live in a "normal" environment for some, and for others it is more profound and means that they can't live a normal life. For the former, i do think the traits are part of who we are. For the later though, where it becomes a profound disability where one is unable to function on their own. That is where the difficulty comes in.

At the end of the day though, we DON'T have the ability to take away parts of our childrens neurological make up, so it's a pointless point really. Unlike the real issues of how to help our children cope and be all they can be.

The only thing I think he would want to change is the sensory issues; however, he has improved significantly in the past year. I wouldn't change anything else about him and perhaps not even that if that weakness increases his strengths in other areas (i.e., being able to hear and see things the average person can't).

He is a little slower at doing things. It seems to bother him that everyone finishes things so quickly. He usually finishes the tasks correctly. If that bothers him, then I would change that, too.

I honestly would only change things that he would want to be changed.

Kind of like all of us. There are aspects about myself (and my ADHD) that I would completely want to get rid of. Take away my ADHD completely, I wouldn't be the "quirky" me that I am. I would be completely sad if people I know stated that they wish I didn't have ADHD. That means they wish I wasn't my "quirky" self; the person who is spontaneous (sometimes impulsive). I would think they are saying I am a complete failure and that they didn't really like me for me.

. I am not my disability but the disability gives me certain strengths and weaknesses that some others don't have. That combined with my personality is a large part of what makes me who I am.
Take all of me or none of me.

I take all of my son!

My son is extremely good at creating things, solving spatial reasoning task and appears to love life. He may not be strong in "putting himself in others shoes". He also has some sensory issues. Those are areas of weaknesses. He will eventually learn some of those skills just as I have learned how to cope as an ADHDer. If I said that I wished he wasn't on the spectrum, I am essentially saying I want another child. That is my belief.

When he talks nonstop, that really drives me crazy. When I take time to listen to him, he is incredible! I drive him crazy, too. I am not as organized and he is always giving me some solutions or at least telling me where to put my shoes. I love my children

My son to start with has never learned to speek and is now so frustated at 9 yrs old the he's hurting himself and sometimes others <mostly me>. To I love him?Beyond mesure. I'm I afraid of what the world will do to him? You bet your sweet bipppy. The only thing about him I'd change is him beable to express himself better weather with speech, sign, typing ect.. what ever works what ever would help him it doesn't matter at all to me.If spinning makes him happy great if he likes to walk on his toes big freeking deal. I'm looking forward to the day all the hard work pays off and he tells me to go jump in a lake.

So your "Belief" or way of thinking would mean that I want another child if I was to "cure" my Son??? Absolutely not true at all!! For me it's not about wishing my son was NOT on the spectrum. It's about making HIM happy...no more struggling with the negatives that come with ASD (yes!! ! There are negatives for THEM) When I think of "cure" I think of "HELPING HIM" It doesnt mean I don't like the way he is... that's an absurd suggestion... It means I dont like seeing him unhappy and struggling....It means Empathy... I feel what he is feeling...

If my Son was depressed... would this mean that I want a different kid because I'd want to cure that too? No it means I LOVE him and want him to be happy.



We ALL love our Children A Mothers love is unconditional.

2preciousSouls. I don't think anyone means to suggest those who would "cure" their kids love them less for who they are. I think we are just trying to express why we wouldn't ponder that... especially since it's purely hypothetical and means nothing except self reflection.

Also some of us are speaking as the child as well as the parent. I suffered immensely (well, relatively, of course there is always much much worse) growing up because of my AS which i only recently self diagnosed myself with. But i would decline the offer to have the difficulties removed. Most the negatives come with positives. Yes i get lonely without friends, yes i get anxious and sometimes have panic attacks, yes i get sensory overload on a daily basis, yes i'm different, yes people think i'm a self centered know it all because i don't know how else to relate to people other than to relate it back to myself, yes i face difficulties in many intricate ways. Yes my childhood was painful and sad. But i'm unique, i'm special to those who take the time to care about me and understand me. I'm talented in the things that interest me.

I think it's ok to want to make your childs life easier... we ALL want to, whether we have kids on the spectrum or not, it's mothers instinct. But it's important to separate ourselves from our children and realize that they are their own person and it has to be their choice to change these things, no ours. And our difficulties help shape our character, they really do.

All of that said, for the lower functioning kids, i think the idea becomes much more complicated.

Exactly!! ! That's why the question re "cure" was in fact so easy to answer

There is no right or wrong answer re "cure" for any particular individual... After all, how would ANYONE possibly know the pro's and con's unless they experience it for themselves.