What would have helped me as an Aspie child

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Nan;

I would like to thank you for taking the time, and courage, to pour your heart out for us.

I had a mother much like yours, and it made me who I am today in many ways. I am NT, but very socially inadequate, because my mother was mentally unwell and so couldn't provide role modelling or adequate opportunities since I had to be home all the time.

My son is an aspie and the reason I came here in the first place. While I believe I am a good parent, I know that to get him where he needs to be will take more than just a good parent. I felt I needed "insider" information. Just a peek, a clue, as to what the world is like from his side of the coin, so that I could try and parent him from there.

The one thing I've found about my son is that when I've not done something right, I get immediate feedback, unlike my NT kids. While his positive responses are slow and subtle, the negative ones are like a tornado, fast and stormy!

In this day and age it is such a challenge to raise any child right, but to be given such a gift as this child I don't want to fail him.

I appreciate your insight and wisdom, coming from both sides of that coin.

My mother was a therapist trained in child behavior, a loving mother, and a woman who gave me a good deal of freedom to be myself (though not so much that I ran the household, hehe). She was a good mother with a lot of backup in child psychology. I don't really know what more I could have asked of her. She pushed me towards at least trying various activities but gave me the choice of which activities I wanted to do. She'd support me in all my obsessions and genuinely loved me and made me well aware of it.

I'd recommend every mother out there become a child psychologist. (Okay, not so practical, but it seems to work.)

aspiesmom1 - I think you'll do fine. Caring is 90% of everything. - Nan

I know that my Parents did the things that they did, out of Love. They didn't know any better. There's a saying. "Once we knew better, we did better." I didn't feel loved, but my Parents expressed their love for me, the only way that they knew how.

Therein lies the rub!! That's sometimes the biggest balancing act I have. I know he has to get over his rigidity to a certain extent to make it as an adult, but sometimes it feels like I'm torturing him! Throw into the mix his father, my husband, who is an aspie with a sprinkling of OCD and some days I just want to put the pillow over my head and give up.... lol

I guess we all do the best we can with the tools we have at the time. My older two kids are almost 24 and 25, but I was 18 and 19 when I had them. I would never have been able to handle a child like my 11 year old at that age. I'd like to think we only get all we can handle, but I've seen far too much evidence to the contrary.

Yeah, I'd imagine finding that golden medium is a very hard thing to do. That didn't mean that sometimes I wasn't spoiled, so even the best parents give in a bit too much. I think that's the way it's supposed to be: spoiled, but not TOO spoiled.

I think that if you're worrying that you're not doing well enough and might be giving in too much sometimes or not pushing hard enough others, then you're probably doing a very agreeable job. That's what good parents always wonder so I hear.

I guess if he's on a forum like this 5 years from now complaining about what a rotten pull of the straw he got on parents we'll know!!

I talked to him last night about growing up, and what we need to work on. He's gotten a little more open about discussing his AS, and what affect it has on him. My take on it is that this is going to make things harder for him, but not impossible. He simply has more to overcome than some. He got his midsemester report, and he has all B's with just a C in math, which makes me very happy, and I told him that.

What I don't get about the math - he gets it, he understands it, and he knows it. He just can't *do it*. Not in class anyway. He comes home with his papers, I give him the same problem with different numbers, he solves it right away, and correctly. I can't figure it out. What is it with math and aspies? They either seem to be almost savant with it, or nearly incapacitated by it?

You know, math was always incomprehensible to me. I scored in the 99.99% percentile on almost all subjects on all those standardized tests, but I'd come dragging in at a 50%-60% in the math areas every time no matter how much I studied. I can do it while someone is showing me step by step, but can't afterwards. Other than basic math (add, subtract, multiply, divide) I mean. Those I can handle in my sleep.

I think it was the way I was taught math. About 20 years ago I studied to be an elementary school teacher (boy, was THAT a mistake!) and had to take a class on how to teach math. I ended up learning so much more from that class than I did from all my schooling - the teacher used a variety of methods to get to an end on a particular problem. Anything was fair game, as long as the answer came out right. Did much better on the math problems in that class, since I can intuit a lot of stuff. If memory serves, when I was in elementary and high school, everything was by rote method. It just never stuck, for whatever reason.

For your son. Well, he has to take the math to finish school. But I have to tell you, in 30+ years in the workforce I've never had to do a quadratic equation, so.....

Thank you for sharing! I am finding this thread extremely helpful

My parents did a number of things right, and I credit them with the (relative) success and happiness I have enjoyed throughout my adult life. Things they did right:

- Supported and encouraged my numerous special interests (books, hobby supplies, trips to museums, trips to go hiking and fishing, introducing me to adults who had jobs in the areas I was interested in, including an entomologist [during my 2-year butterfly obsession]).

- Gently diversified my special interests, through books in related, but slightly more "humanized" interests (e.g., spy novels to capitalize on my interest in WWII airplanes).

- Pushed me to be more social - signed me up for different clubs and groups, made me try new things, refused to let me stagnate and feel sorry for myself.

- Gave up on activities that were obviously causing me stress (they let me quit soccer, for example, but only after having an anxiety attack during a particularly severe bullying session one day)

- Played the role of "best friend" during the toughest years, when I had no friends - taking me to do things on the weekends & nights (I wore them out).

- Gave me the freedom to try out different types of friends as I became more social in High School - i.e., did not kick out the obvious dirt bags, and waited for me to figure it out and do it myself.

- Saved for college and told me all along that I was smart & would be able to go to college.


Things they could have done better:


- Told me I had Asperger's syndrome, but that didn't exist then, so it's not really their fault. A diagnosis would have been a real comfort, at the time.

- Given me practical tips on making friends, talking to girls, being more fashionable (=less geeky)

- Done something about the bullying. I learned how to fight from my dad, which was useful up through maybe 3rd grade, when I wasn't having any real problems anyway. Beyond 3rd grade, though, I think the best way to handle bullying is for the parents to demand intervention from the teachers & coaches.

- Taught me better conversational skills. Instead of "you talk too much," which caused me to verbally shut down for several years, they could have instead cautioned me about talking too much about my special interests, and make the person I was talking to my temporary special interest (a trick I learned much later in life, which got me a few dates

DL

hey earthmom you must be my long-lost sister, cause that sounds just like home to me! Being raised by wolves would have been a vast improvement.

There are some great ideas in this thread. What would have helped me most though, would have been a frank and logical approach to helping me deal with my social difficulties - a list of what to do and how to do it, in order to at least appear to fit in. Not judging, not criticizing, just a basic how-to-do-it program. Practical things, like what to wear, how to do my hair, how to respond in various situations. But as earthmom said, the absolute most important thing is a harmonious home and a feeling of being cared about. The lack of those two things exacerbated the difficulties that I already had to an intolerable degree.

In school it would have greatly helped me if I could have been allowed to learn at a level appropriate for my ability. Instead, I was stuck in class with NT children, taught the regular curriculum as everyone else and bored to death.

My home environment was horrible - my mother remarried a psycho who drank and beat her up, and us kids grew up terrified of their fights. Police were called a few times but it never helped matters as in those days wife beating wasn't dealt with as it is now by police. My parents did not show much interest in my school work, except to express amazement when I brought home high grades or tests with abnormally high comprehension. So it would definitely have helped if there had been someone at the school to care. In those days, there was no such service.

By the end of grade eight I had dropped out of school.

I sort of wish my mother hadn't totally ignored me, but we got along better suddenly after I reached my mid thirties. Now we're getting to know eachother but she has guilt and I try to tell her not to worry because now I know she had many difficult issues in her life when I was young, and I treasure our time together. I wish my father hadn't viewed his children as extensions of himself and felt betrayed by me that I was'nt "normal." He felt all his children had to be superior or we made him look bad. When my I.Q. tested out as average he threw a fit! This was even before we found out I had L.D.s which he swore that no child of his would have. Also he tried to make me stay a child and discouraged me from even leaving the house. I don't know why.

My little brother has aspergers - he's 2.5 years younger than me. I think it would have been much better for him if our parents would have told us both that he was on the autistic spectrum, that it was okay that he was different. They finally told me after i went to college that they thought he had Aspergers; they'd had an idea about it for over a decade by then. As an NT learning about this, now, i feel like i could have potentially helped him socialise a lot and eased his way in the world; i feel awful that i didn't, that i had no idea. So please, parents, involve your other kids. Let us help you.

This was as expected a very interesting thread

since it was mentioned...math...just the thought makes me scared to death. Those numbers, and how people got their answers, will never make any sense. I was in tutoring for years for it, and tried my best but it just never, ever made sense. I can add and subtract, but multiplication I must count out...lets just say I love calculators and the fact that every computer has one

As for growing up, let me see..
I liked the way someone else did this, so im gonna copy ya!
My room- I was never allowed to have my room, how I wanted for the most part. My mom was extremely strict with cleaning, and order in the house. While being somewhat clean of course is a good idea, having my own personal space how I want it would have been very, very calming. Instead I got yelled at, quite a lot, if it wasnt how it was supposed to be (in my moms eyes anyway)

I was forced to do sports when I was younger by my step-father (who for all real purposes was my father). I dont feel this did me any good, only strengthened my hatred for sports. I was never very good at anything sport wise, didnt understand a lot of it. All this did was humiliate me in front of people...I would get so scared before I had to go to practice or whatever it was..my body would be shaking and i was just terrified! I can see how some pushing towards this may be good, but it really did not work for me.

I have long had probems with clothing, I am now learnign these were sensory issues. I was forced to dress up for church, going to grandmas, and other events...all this did was make the entire experience traumatic and horrible. I can not describe to you enough how it feels to be in clothing that makes you feel trapped, and sufficating. And not only that, I dont see how what I am dressed in matters, I mean really, does it?

I was often told that I needed to socialize, make friends, etc...well..thats just fine and dandy but I dont seem to be able to do that! I have never had what I would consider a true, real life, friend. I have my social contact online, and have some really get friends here. I wouldnt trade my virtual friends for real friends for anything!
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arrow: It would have been helpful to know about AS back a long time ago...I cant blame that on anyone really since it still isnt too widely known. But I would say, tell your kids in some terms they can understand, or let them read about it (I love reading about anything of interest to me). It would have been nice to understand myself many years ago.

Anyway I think thats enough for now. I am happy to see parents are reading this! Any parent who gets one of us, I must say I thank you for being understanding. My mom always seemed to understand, or try very hard. If it wasnt for that I would have long ago hid under a rock somewhere never to come out.

Parents that care are the best!

Learning how to socialize, intensive regiment of socialization during late teens and early 20's by having the child/teen/young adult go out to social events, parties, clubs, etc.

Many AS kids miss what should be some of the better moments in their life. I never went to any dances in highschool.

Lastly... teach your son how to deal with women and to be able to get laid, this will help immensely in staving off depression and suicidal thoughts from being so alone.