How can I get my teens to socialize more?

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good advice...I agree...the desions they and you make now...will indeed have a lasting impact.
focus on school and vocational goals.

The world out there is becoming extreemly competive for young adults and this has trippled with the ressesion. The focus needs to be on helping them find an occupational goal that suits their needs and helps them grow as well as provide for themselves in every way possible.

You have so much more to juggle as a parent of two AS teens than most parents do, and by the sounds of it....you dedicated to them and I know you will do well, but dont forget things that most parents take for granted like daily living skills, executive planning and executive functioning, time management, and of course future goals that take their talents as well as limitations into conciteration, devising stratigies to cope with sensory overload, and an emergency plan for when your girls decompensate to stop the decompensation before it affects their overall functioning.

These are the other things you have to do to prepare them for adulthood unlike NT children who seem to learn this by watching their parents. With autistic children and teens...basic life functioning has to be taught, one on one. There is so much more that needs to be done than just social skills...although that is only a part of the puzzle. An autistic adult without much social skills training but alot of life skills training can function by his or herself...but a social autistic adult without much live skills training and future planning will not be able to be able to live indepentantly

pick your battles wisely, you dont have much time

Jojo

Thanks. I like the idea of setting something up. I've always wanted to have a club for 'kids who are different but still want friends', whatever that may be.

I've wondered if the socialization would ever come. It hasn't yet, and their in high school.

Based on everything you have written, they sound more social then I am now, or have ever been. And I am now 22 and living independently. So, if your waiting for them to start going out to rave parties and all that then I think you are waiting for the wrong thing. Perhaps I should ask, why is it that you want them to socialize? I know that it is an enjoyable activity for normal people, and I have no objection to you people wasting your time doing it. But why is it that you want your daughters to waste their time in this way?

Epril,

I read your post a few days ago, and it made me think of myself aged 16, 17, and wondered how I would answer your question. These are the thoughts that I have:

First, they are lucky to have you for a mum who is thinking like this about how to help them make friends. It sounds from what you say that they would like to socialise more but that they are unsure what to do. It also sounds like they cannot take the initiative, which is totally different from not wanting to. I think that your gentle encouragement and direction would help them to establish and maintain the habit of socialising, and build some longterm friendships.

Several people have made the point that school might be enough and they need to rest after school. I think it might be worth you talking with them regularly about school, find out how they interact while they are there. Did they speak to anyone, did they eat lunch or spend their break time with anyone, are the classes very noisy and interactive (project work where several children have to work together) or are they quiet. Some out-of-school socialising springs naturally from what happens in school. There are some important aspects of friendship such as exchanging birthday cards and gifts that you may be able to help them make sure they don't miss.

An idea that I got from a very socially adept aunt was to have my own personal "Who's who", like an address book with snippets of information about the person, such as their birthday, the name of their pets, children and so on. My aunt would keep a note of when she last saw someone, and when she must call them again. You could suggest your girls do this and encourage them to keep longstanding friendships going.

Hope this helps.

My older daughter sounds kinda like you. She often sees no point in social activities. I want her to be able to hold a job. To feel fulfilled in whatever she does. To at least be more comfortable in simple social situations, like having a conversation during a meal.

Yikes. Not much time at all. I wish I had found this site earlier. I wish I could afford to get them help.
Things I do: set up a chore list with specific details, check homework and agendas daily, use opportunities to talk about life from a movie, for ex., read to them from Aspergers books, since they won't do it themselves, help with setting up outings or 'innings' with friends, talk to them about people at school, set up a grooming chart...

In regards to time management, they don't get themselves up in the morning. I was wondering how I could set up a natural consequence for not being ready. Ex., they would have to take the bus. Problem is, they'd be late for school, which I don't think they'd care about.

Are you content with your degree of socialization? You're not lonely? Do you want a family?

Yes, I am happy with my current level of socializing, which is very little.

I haven't started dating yet, nor do I plan to any time soon. Perhaps later my hormones may change I may feel interested in dating, but for now it seems like a bad idea. While I am not misanthropic, I need a lot of time alone. And of course the entire point of dating is to find a mate for marriage, which would lead to spending all your time and living with somebody else. This just doesnt sit well with me. Furthermore the entire dating thing seems overly complicated and problematic. You have to go out to meals, and do other activities with your dates. I personally would rather just spend my time inside browsing the web, reading a book, or playing on my computer.

As far as communication with other people goes: I dont talk with people at work unless it is about a work related topic. I am not one to go around and discuss the sports or current events. I just go to work to do work, not to socialize. I usually just come home directly from work and spend my time alone at home. Weekends are also spent inside my house alone. The only time I talk with other people in person except about work related topics is when I attend my weekly D+D game. Of course I haven't done that in a month now because everybody is out on summer vacation. But we should be starting up in 2-3 weeks. The lack of face to face social interaction really doesnt bother me. It was actually 5 months after I moved before I bothered to find a local D+D group. So, I went 5 months without socializing in person, and that was fine with me.

I do however enjoy talking with other people online. I play a MMORPG called Final fantasy, and post on forums like these. And that is about all the socialization that I require.

What I am trying to get across is that you dont need to be around other people discussing random things like the weather, sports, fashion, celebrities, TV shows, etc. in order to be happy with your life. If your daughters are anything like me, they dont need to have parties and go out in order to be happy. I am not opposed to those things if they wish to do them, I am merely saying that they arent a requirement for happiness.

I was very much like them in high school. But when I got to University, I eventually acquired more friends. I have about 5 good friends, a very demanding boyfriend, and many friendly acquanitances that I meet up with often and attend socials with.

I'm so sorry, I really laughed at this because it is SO perfectly spectrum (and I'm mildly on the spectrum myself) It IS illogical! I felt pressure to have friends, and after my best friend in Jr. High and I got in such a fight, I never forgave her or hung out with her again (she took my flute and hid it in a bush on the 2 mile walk home) I was very upset. I never had such a close friend again (I do have a childhood friend that I love like a sister, but we talk maybe 2 times a year, and live 5 miles apart!)

In High school, I floated from group to group, or nobody, and read books. I was actually happier that way, except when I tried to "fit into" a group! Now most of my problem might be social anxiety rather than autism, I don't know, I've never been diagnosed, only my son. I love children, though, love sex, love being close to one person at a time, though I'm not clingy (might have been with that Jr. High friend though). I see friends, go out to watch friends play loud music, and can take a little socialization, but spend the bulk of my life at home on my own terms with only family to deal with. I think I can say I'm happy

In the end, I think letting the girls socialize as they feel free to at school, and let them know it's totally cool not to have tons of friends, and totally ok to be alone, as long as they're happy, is the best thing you can do I found that sitting under a tree with a book at lunchtime was a socially acceptable thing for me to do. Sometimes people came to say hi to me, and sometimes I was left alone. It was the awkward moments of trying to fit into a group, that I didn’t even want to fit into and not fitting in that destroyed my self esteem. Learning tricks to be alone while looking cool is more helpful, in my opinion, LOL. Also, knowing how to be nice to people who do approach you in friendship is invaluable as well. It’s something that’s been actively taught to my son, who goes to a school for autistic/aspergers kids. Wish I figured those tricks out before 11th and 12th grades so I could have avoided so much anxiety!

I'm currently trying to get Sarah to invite a friend over tomorrow night. Just to hang out. She's reluctant. Perhaps two friends over is easier than one? Less pressure on her? She doesn't have to be miss popularity, I just want it to be easier for her to hang out and enjoy someone's company comfortably in her home.

I wouldnt force the issue epril. If she doesn't want to have a friend over, then she shouldn't have them over. As I said before, it isn't going to ruin her life he she doesn't hang out with other people all the time.

All of you have made some really good suggestions!

I'm in total agreement with you, Tracker. Aspies in general need tons of alone time in order to "take a breather"and regain their functioning, and epril's daughters seem to be no exception. If they have a genuine interest in socializing, let them be the moderators of their own social activities.

Specifically, let them choose ahead of time how much they want to socialize instead of deciding to randomly inviting people over. If they prefer having someone over weekly, biweekly, monthly, or longer, that's totally okay. But don't push them into a frequency of socialization they don't feel comfortable with.

Try to make it with the same one or two friends each time as well, perhaps the ones who understand them most. This will help establish trust and familiarity with these friends and make them more comfortable interacting.





This is exactly how I was. I had no friends over at all during high school and much preferred to be at home working on my special interests. It wasn't until university until my urge to socialize kicked in: now I have many friends and aquaintances. Point being, perhaps their urge to socialize hasn't kicked in yet...again, this may come with a matter of time, patience, and understanding of their differences.




I'd disagree. Most aspies prefer one-on-one interaction. Rule of thumb: the more people are in a social situation, the harder it's going to be for an aspie to decipher it.

It will be easier for her if you help her slowly ease into having a guest over instead of overwhelming her with too many people at once.

oh gawd if either of your girls are anything like me they will see NO point in conversing during eating. My approach to food eating time is "Hey I'm trying to eat here, why the heck would I talk? I have my mouth full!"

That one kid going up stairs with the friend staying downstairs...that sounds familiar. I used to want to go do things but the friend that came to my house would just...not follow. Which was odd because I expected them to. My advice? If that one kid keeps doing that, stop wasting her time with friends being over unless she wants them. It's nothing personal to the other person, but chances are they have very little in common.

They seem like they're fun and they have each other. Do they seem lonely? If they are happy, I wouldn't worry too much.