How do you tell your child!~

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Funny, I just bought two books (see below) for my son who is 9 now but dx with AS when he was 6. And now I'm finding this thread.

"What it is to be Me" by Angela Wine (very simple book suitable for young kids short sentences and cartoon pictures.)
"I Love Being My Own Autistic Self" Landon Bryce (nice illustrations of colorful cartoon heads with thought and speech bubbles. A longer book, was perfect for my 9 year old I showed him both books he picked this one first and said he really related to the content esp. the part about finding it easier to relate to animals than people.)

And when new books come out I'll probably look into those as well.

I feel that rather than focusing on how you "tell" a child- because that initial conversation is just the first, (not everything can or should be conveyed at once.) I feel I really have to view it as,"How do I keep talking about autism to my child?" How do I stay mindful of my child's experience which may be different from my own? How do I help my child gain insight to his/her own unique experience of life?

For me, I've read probably ten autobiographies written by people on the autism spectrum. I've read some stuff published for "parents of autistics" too and that has been helpful as well. The point is, I delve. I ask questions based on what I know from other's experience, I try not to assume things about my son without asking him to share with me first.

So there are teachable moments almost every day where I can offer some insight to him, recently some things have come up and I've needed to say to him: "I'm noticing how upset you seem right now, is that true? When you have Asperger's it can take a little longer to feel calm after a big upset. So we have to feel prepared for it to take as long as it takes." Or, "I'm seeing your sister is hurt and I'm hearing her saying that you're 'mean and don't care'. Do you understand what is making her think that? Sometimes when others are hurt and upset, I have an upset look on my face too- even though I'm not the one who was hurt. People with Asperger's often don't mirror an upset look on their face when others are hurt. Sometimes people think that, because your face does not show "upset", that you don't care. But it's really is an aspect of your autism and has nothing to do with how you feel on the inside."

My son has dyslexia too, so some things that come up are related to that and when it dawns on me that it's a dyslexic issue, I try to find some generative language to help me talk about it, like, "Good lighting is really important when you are doing your homework, especially when you have dyslexia and are working with charts with lots of lines." So I really view the Asperger's talks as an extension of anything a parent needs to cover with a child to help them manage the world specifically for their needs, whether it be diabetes, seizure disorder, dyslexia, or even a temporary thing like a broken leg.

For example, I have red hair and glowingly pale skin, do you know how many conversations my mother had with me about sunscreen, protective clothing, and hats? And I still occasionally get sunburned, I'm 37! And she *still* talks to me about protecting myself from the sun, and I still need to hear it, apparently, because I don't always relate well to my own specific needs, and she knows it, and she'll always be supportive with me.

Here's another book, "How to talk so your kids will listen" Adele Faber some good examples of the best kind of language to use.

My son is 8 and I recently shared with him he has AS through an exercise and books. Before I did I bought several kid books like 'All Cats have Aspergers', What it is to be me, and Understanding Sam. I bought more but I felt those described my son best. Then based on a suggestion in one of Tony Attwood's books we did an exercise.

I just told him I wanted to talk to him and we got a piece of paper and I made a list of what his strengths and struggles are with his help and suggestions. I purposefully made his strengths outnumber his struggles. I told him that alot of other people have similar strengths and struggles and it called AS. I explained that AS help make him so good at those things but sometimes there are struggles like that he has to work extra hard on. I explained that other typical kids might not be as good as him in certain areas and its all ok because people are different.

then i read him the books i mentioned and he particularly loved understanding sam and exclaimed 'thats just like me!' at certain parts. He enjoyed the books and although he is only 8 he seems to me to be quite satisfied to know this. I shared with him that AS is a form of autism, like his cousin has, but sometimes you can talk and sometimes you can't etc...

One thing i did notice that I was happy about is that in reading these books and talking more with him, sometimes the books give him the words he doesn't have. For example, he hates toothbrushing, putting lotion on his skin , sensory issues etc..and he never knew how to say that he just cried and had meltdowns. Reading about other kids having it helped him to identify that and say 'that is how i feel'. Over all great decision to tell him.

My son loves to read. We got a school DX the end of 2nd grade. I let him read a book a 10 year old Aspie wrote "Aspergers, the Universe, and Everything." I told him I thought he might enjoy reading it as I thought the boys was similar to him in a lot of ways. He read it and we talked about it. When I first asked him what he thought about the book, he told me "Well, it didn't talk about the universe." LOL I then explained he had Aspergers too and that AS gives him strengths and weaknesses that make it difficult to communicate and understand everyone else at times. Since we always talk about all of our kids having talents, strengths and weaknesses, he seemed to take it in stride. It has been an ongoing conversation. It is not something we talk about very often, usually only when we find we have a situation or a road block that has come up and we need to find a work around for it. So far, he is very open and accepting about it.

Great share, BlakesMom! I'll have to check out "Understanding Sam" sounds like a great book. It really is a great decision to open the parent/child conversation about autism, from my own life, I've found it to be it's so empowering and so deeply validating for my son to have a parent "name" his experiences.
Sensory issues can be so confusing to deal with and come up so suddenly sometimes. It really can help to give a child additional insight into what is going on for them and link that in to their neurological differences. How great to have a book that can get that association started. Sounds like it would be a great entry into some social stories to then help manage the sensory issues causing the most difficulty. For us, sunscreen and hair cuts are the biggest culprits.