Lunchbreak in the Library

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oh my gosh, i would have killed for that chance in middle school (junior high). i really needed some cool-down time by lunch, no matter how early i had it.

i only got a chance like that in 8th grade. my history teacher let a group of my friends eat in his classroom to get away from the over-crowded, over-loud cafeteria. for an aspie like me, that was heaven on earth, because the group was small enough (only 7 regulars, including myself) that i didn't have a mental breakdown.

of course, it was an open option to everyone in high school, but i had a late lunch (8th out of 9 periods in a day sophomore and junior year, 7th in senior) so by then i was usually starving and i had to brave the cafeteria anyway.

When my son was in public school, he ate in the resource room with a friend every day. The kids in his class were asked who would like to eat with him and all the kids put their names on a list and they took turns. He was more relaxed and had the opportunity for one on one interaction. It was a great experience for him. If we were to ever go back to public school this would be the lunch option I would opt for (we had it in his iep as a social skills focus). I wouldn't worry about him not having the social interaction in the lunchroom. The lunchroom is a shark tank and our kids are the guppies! For a better social experience get him involved in a group he's interested in. Best of luck!

This is my first post..
I hope this will post in the correct place--the discussion about the lunchroom. This has been such a thorn in my side. I am happy for you all that your schools worked with you regarding this and offered suggestions. I first discovered my son (11, with AS) eating alone last year. It saddened my to the core. Yes, I have learned that it was my issue. He was more than fine with it. It continued this year as well, but they now let them eat wherever they want in the lunchroom. He has mostly eaten alone, but a kind ,compassionate boy took notice and joined him. My son is not thrilled though. Like you all stated, he needs the time to decompress and the sounds and smells are overwhelming for in, then when the social component is added..it's worse. More kids have been joining them. He tried to move to new places, but everywhere he goes..there's people (and the kind boy joins him). The other day, he actually SELF ADVOCATED and asked the social worker if he could eat at a bank of tables that aren't being used during lunch. She said 'if she let's him go there, then they have to let everyone go there". He was also told that he can't tell people to leave his table. They suggested maybe he could eat lunch in the front office (which is a really busy place, not great). I just keep thinking to myself..only 35 days of elemenary school left and I am hoping middle school will be better. When I tell him this, he says.."I can't think about where I am rowing the boat to while I have to still row the boat". What would you suggest? ( I haven't even begun to discuss recess.....)

If the other boy is really kind and compassionate, explain to him - with your son present to nod or otherwise confirm - that your son needs quiet for lunch and the other boy would be doing him a favor by not joining him for lunch. Then maybe the other boy can spread the word and your son can get some peace and quiet.

I agree. It is a tough concept for kids, especially nice ones, to wrap their heads around: that your child WANTS to be alone. Just for that time period; the rest of the day he may appreciate someone being friendly with him.

Of course, it is also possible that this other child had no one to sit with himself, perhaps having had a fight with his friends, so don't ignore his possible needs, just try to balance it.

In elementary school it's still relatively OK for parents to interfere direclty with the kids. Next year in middle school - you can't.

Be aware that in middle school it may cause him problems to be seen alone, so hopefully they will be able to offer something else.

Thank you so much for the reply! The boy is amazing and kind. My son actually "came out " to him last week (with the help of Arthur on PBS..heehee). The boy was so cool about it. It was necessary for my boy to tell him , so some of his behaviors made sense and yes, we wanted the boy to know that B is OK eating alone. He doesn't mind the one boy..it's anyone else. The one boy seems to get B, but B would be FINE eating alone. I was excited b/c I thought this might be a potential friendship..but B might just push him away..(as usual)

Again, Thank you for the reply. I am lucky to have found this forum!

I agree that he should meet the other boy halfway..he didn't even make conversation until we role played and I gave him a list of questions/conversation stater/topics. I sure don't want to jeopardize this friendship as it's really special-not to sound hokey- but B even "came out" (he's a little private about the AS- although everyone can tell he's different) to him and nothing has changed (in a good way). I know...Middle School makes me very nervous. ..but there are lots of Aspie's on here that survived and lived to tell about middle school, right? Thank you for your reply and support.
It's a fine line--respecting his needs and pushing him gently outside of his comfort zone...

My daughter's school allow her to go and sit in first aid room when she needs to be alone. She too needs time to shut off from all the hustle and bustle of school time. Sometimes she takes her lunch with her. Other times she is happy to sit with others. The school had to handle it very carefully as her classmates try very hard to include her, which is good. But they can't tell the difference between when she is sitting alone because she needs to be alone and when she wants to join in but doesn't know how. We decided not to mention it to the other kids because we didn't want them to stop approaching her for fear of getting it wrong.

Thanks for the reply!
I will discuss the option of the nurse's office...That seems do-able!!
Yea, I'd hate for him to be anymore socially isolated (his own doing) than he already is ...
Very nice that your school works to help your daughter..sometimes, not so sure about ours.

My daughter did that last year...lunch in a teacher's room....the cafeteria was too much. This year its recess. She stays in to 'do work'. Again...its too much. She just needds some down time and the environment of free recess is too chaotic.

Wow! In the teacher's room..nice. Does she have a one one one aide?
I am glad that you all were able to get the right kind of supports. It's good to hear.
Sadly, I don't think we are. I asked if he could eat/do recess in someone/anyone's room or libary..but they tell me it's an accountability thing and there would need to be someone "responsible" for him at all times and there isn't..even the *%&# ing libary closes during his recess. So he will continue to walk the peripheral of the playground or in circles..and during lunch, we shall see. Once silver lining, he SELF ADVOCATED (big step) and spoke up..and we do have a meeting tomorrow regarding this AND transition to middle school.

Thanks for all the info- I will go to my meeting with some good suggestions.

I just hope middle school is better. ( I will do all I can to make that happen)

Honestly you should not have reservations. This is not a good idea, but a great idea. I hate to say it, as somebody on the spectrum, I WISH I had this option in middle school.

Ok let me state this outright, sometimes it is much better to be alone. For me the worst period was the lunch hour. I really just wanted to be alone during that period of time. One of the biggest problems I see with parents here is "missing chance to be social". The truth is with ASD we have to be social on our own terms, not somebody elses. Lunch hours are sensory hells. On top of that you have alot of risk of bullying, etc. Having the "out" option of the library is actually really good for him to have. Somedays that period alone will decrease the chance of having a really bad day.

My idea is not to ask parents about this, because honestly speaking save for the very few here on this board, most NT parents of ASD children have no clue how to understand thier ASD perspectives and needs because everything is so different than NT children. Lets put it this way, any sanctuary to be alone at times, should be taken. Peace is alot more important to somebody with an ASD, than socializing in a less than ideal environment (school lunch hours). Ask somebody with an ASD, ask if they were this age would this have been ideal to have this as an option. Most will say yes. In this case, listen to your son. Having this one little thing can help him alot during the rest of the day. Destressing is very important for somebody on the spectrum. He will probably improve both academically and socially because he can do more on his own terms and get time alone he needs during the day.

I have the most wonderful update!
We had our meeting. The teacher,social worker and principal really GET where my boy is coming from and what he needs. He can now choose to have lunch in the lunchroom OR in a meeting room in the front office! He can bring someone with him as well. The same goes for recess. He did it yesterday and seemed very even keel the rest of the day. He brought his "lunch friend" along, who enjoyed it so much. Not sure how often he will utilize this, but how AWESOME that he has a "safe" place to retreat to.

This is a huge step for us. First he SELF-ADVOCATED, which is HUGE and second, the school worked with us and really quickly too!
Thank you for the words of wisdom and a place to share.


It's a new day

Thank you so much for the happy update! I hope things continue to go well