Do you think this could help my son?

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I think that's a really ingenious idea, and I think he'll appreciate you trying to soothe him rather than scold him.
I definitely don't think you're a bad parent.

To me, you seem awesome!

PS- he's only 5, all 5 yr olds throw tantrums sometimes.

Hello again.

I guess the first thing I should talk about is your comment about your child not wanting to use the ‘cool down’ spot I suggested in my other post. If this is the case then what you probably need to do is get your son more involved in setting up the location. Simply setting up a location and informing your son of the destination really isn’t that different from giving him a time out. You need to fully engage your son in setting everything up. For example, where does he want the spot? What does he want in his spot? How does he want the lighting? Make sure he is an active participant in helping you set things up. Beyond that you may want to thoroughly explain to him why you are setting up a spot for him, and what it is used for. Make sure that he understands that him going there is NOT a form of punishment, but simply a way to help him calm down and relax so that he doesn’t do something he regrets, and you don’t have to punish him.

Furthermore, In my other posts that you read I discussed the melt down mechanism. Perhaps what I should explain more thoroughly is the process on how a happy child transitions into meltdown mode. I think I might have given you a false impression that meltdowns are an on or off thing that happens with no warning or build up. In reality, a meltdown really isn’t an off or on thing, but more so the far extreme of being overwhelmed. For example, if we where to make a chart from being fine to being in a meltdown, it might go something like this:

1. Calm and relaxed
This stage is your happy, idealistic mood. I.E. what both you and the child want.

2. Slightly anxious
At this stage your child is slightly defensive, but no major problems thinking or acting.

3. Moderately anxious, slightly overwhelmed
At this stage your child is more defensive, and starting to have some small trouble processing input. They can still think rationally and are in full control of their actions, but they often times process information a bit slower. For example, if you ask your child to pick something up, or put something down when he is calm and relaxed, then they should do it with no delay. When your child has entered this stage, it may take them some time to process what you are saying. So there may be a few second gap between your request and a response. This can sometimes be mistaken for being stubborn or defiant. For example, you tell your child to do something, and he just sits there with a blank look on his face for a few seconds. Many parents falsely assume that this is a sign the child is not listening, or is choosing to ignore the parent. In reality it may simply be that the child is trying to figure out what is going on. You may need to repeat your instructions (calmly and patiently) more than once when your child is in this mode.

This is also the time when you (or more preferably your child) should start taking actions to avoid the situation, or try some calming techniques (deep breaths). I know from personal experience that I can tell when my brain is starting to slow down and my responses are getting sluggish. That is my cue to take a break, and go walk around for a bit to clear my mind. If you take actions to avoid being overwhelmed at this phase, then it doesn't go any further. It will probably be a few years yet before your child begins to recognize the signs on his own and takes actions to avoid the problems, but you can help with this. I will discuss in further detail later.

4. Very anxious, moderately overwhelmed
At this stage your child is very defensive, and having more difficulty thinking clearly. Instincts start kicking in more heavily here, and the flight or fight response becomes more pronounced. The child will either probably start being avoidant (flight), or perhaps become aggressive and resistant (fight). The child does still have control over their actions at this point, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to think rationally and clearly. If you get your child out of the overwhelming situation, and deal with them calmly, then you should still be able recover without any major outbursts or problems. It may not work perfectly the first few times(especially at age 5), but as your child grows older, matures, and gets more practice he should still be able control his emotions better and pull back before he gets more overwhelmed.

5. Extremely anxious, very overwhelmed
At this stage your child operates mainly on instinct. Your child may become very unresponsive and avoidant. They are very easily startled and very jumpy (flight response). Your child may have an angry outburst and yell at you, say things they don’t mean. They may physically push you away and be very aggressive (fight response). They are still conscious enough to be aware of their surroundings, if you say something, they can hear it and probably understand it. At this point, trying to reason with them isn't a good idea. They aren't thinking clearly enough to contemplate the various outcomes of their actions and decide how to act based on that. All you can really do is speak calmly to them and maybe give them simple instructions. Whether or not they actually follow your instructions varies based on what the instructions are, how well they can control their emotions and how far overwhelmed they are. Generally trying to come up with a solution on the spot won’t work, because it will require your child to think and do something new. Your best bet in these situations is to already have a contingency plan set up that your child knows about and has agreed to. For example, you have an agreement with your son that if he is feeling overwhelmed he should go to his room, turn down the lights, and play on his Wii. So, you could tell him to go to his room and play on his Wii, and that might work. Trying to have a discussion about the socially appropriate actions and cultural expectations while your child is very overwhelmed won’t work.

6. Full blown meltdown
At this stage your child basically loses their ability to think clearly, and they start acting on instinct alone. Your child may attempt to run away from you (despite it being a dangerous thing to do) because their heart is pounding and the adrenaline in their system is just telling them to run (flight response). Your child might also collapse into tears and cry uncontrollably (My most common reaction). Your child may fly into a rage and attack anything and everything including themselves, random strangers, furniture, anything near them (fight response). At this point, their ability to interpret information isn’t there. They can still hear things, but sounds no longer make any sense. You may be speaking English, but all your child hears is random sounds. The part of their brain which processes speech isn’t working anymore (at least from my experience). At this point, your child's body just does whatever it wants and your child is just along for the ride. There is no way for the autistic person to stop by themselves at this point. It doesn't matter what you say, or what rewards/punishments you have set up. The child is effectively unconscious; they can’t control whats going on.


There are of course shades in between. It isn't as though your child only has 6 steps between fine and meltdown. It is a continuous transition, not a sudden jump up or down from moderately anxious to very anxious. So your child at any given time may be at a 3, or a 2.7 or a 4.8 or whatever. I hope that makes sense. And of course your child's exact reaction depends on the child. For myself I usually had the flight response as opposed to the fight response when overwhelmed. So I would try to run away, or collapse into tears, or otherwise withdraw. Your son might have the fight response instead. It depends on the individual person, and also the circumstances.

This may help to explain the difference between a 'tantrum' and a 'meltdown' as you put it. What you are referring to as a meltdown is probably an example of a 6 on this list. What you are referring to as a tantrum is probably a 5 or so on this list. And you are correct when you observe that the tantrums are less intense, last a shorter time, and (with good planning/luck/determination) can be recovered from. Whereas a full blown meltdown (6 on the list) takes much longer to recover from and can't be stopped once it gets started.

However, while the two events appear to be different, they are caused by the same general thing, which is being overly anxious and overwhelmed. Perhaps I should give you an example from my own life to show you how these sorts of things come about.

When I was young (3rd grade), I was getting ready for school in the morning. I was already anxious because I didn't like school. I was often treated poorly by my classmates and my teachers, and well to make a long story short, I didn't have a very happy childhood. So I was pretty much always anxious. If I had to give it a number value based on the above list I would say I started the morning at maybe 2.5. So, then I go to my drawer, and start to get dressed, only to find out that I don't have a matching pair of socks. Now this of course is a very stupid thing to get upset about, but the problem is that I didn't want to wear mismatching socks. If my classmates saw that, they would insult me, call me stupid for not being able to match my socks, etc. So, this thought raised my anxiety up to a level 3 or so. I then began searching for a matching pair of socks all around my room. After a few minutes my mother was annoyed with me that I was taking so long to get ready, so she started yelling at me to hurry up. Now I was stuck. If I couldn't find matching socks my classmates would insult me, but if I kept looking my mother would get mad at me.

As I stood there for about 30 seconds or so trying to figure out what to do, my mother got angry at me. After all, she just told me to hurry up and all I was doing was standing there with a blank look on my face. So she comes over, yells at me some more, and threatens to hit me if I don't hurry up. This of course makes me more anxious and we get to level 4. I tried to explain what is going on to my mother but it didn't go well. I sort of stammered a bit and all I could get out was 'I can't find socks'. My mother at this point was very annoyed with me, so she dragged me over to my dresser, got out 2 random sock and handed them to me. This didn't help much as I don't really like being touched or dragged around, and it also didn't solve my problem of not having matching socks. So, we get to a level 5 or so, and I am starting to lose major functions, such as speech. I tried explaining it again to her but this time I wasn't even able to get words out, all I was able to get out was a few grunts under my breath and just stand there highly overwhelmed and unable to figure out what to do, what to say, or anything.

So, my mother now very annoyed with me for just standing there grunting when we are behind schedule starts yelling at me, and thats when I went into full on meltdown mode. I have no idea what she said, but my guess it was something threatening because I could definitely tell that she was yelling. So, I ran out of the room, got to the bathroom, locked the door, and sobbed uncontrollably for about an hour or so. And all that simply because I couldn't find a pair of matching socks. Hopefully this helps you to understand what sort of situations result in the problems you are experiencing. Sometimes the trigger is fairly obvious, as in being picked on by classmates. Sometimes the trigger is fairly innocuous, as in mismatching socks, but the meltdown is caused more so by the environment (yelling parents).

But in all cases there is a progression where the anxiety gets higher and higher until the meltdown occurs. It may not always be obvious on the outside, and sometimes the rise in anxiety is fairly rapid, but I have never gone directly from fine to meltdown without the intermediate steps. The 'trick' to dealing with meltdowns is to recognize the increasing anxiety and take steps to deal with it before it gets high enough to cause a problem. And there are several ways to do this:

For starters, try to keep your child's stresses as low as possible. The less stressed your child is, the less likely they are to get overwhelmed, and have problems. For example, if my mother didn't have such a short temper and was more patient with me, alot of the problems I had could have been avoided. Try to keep your household as peaceful as possible. That may mean overlooking some of the small stuff. For example, your child has clothes on the floor. This isn't exactly a life threatening situation that you need to address and harass anybody about. You can talk to your child about it, maybe give him a reward for a clean room, but dont yell at him and threaten him with violence if his room isnt spotless. Likewise, try not to require any unnecessary responsibility or actions from your child unless it is reasonable. The more responsibilities and requirements you put on your child, the more stressed out they will be. I am not saying that you become a push over and let your child do whatever they want, but I am saying that creating unnecessary drama doesn't help anybody.

Simply spending time in a world with a chaotic environment, dealing with other people, having demands put on you (basically just living life) can cause an increase in anxiety. So while your son may leave the house fine and dandy (I.E. 1 on the list) he may come back from school stressed out and a bit overloaded (I.E. a 3 or 4 on the list). At this point he is fairly easy to set off because he is already fairly anxious and overloaded. By allowing him time to relax, unwind, and calm himself, you can get him back down to the point where he isn’t going off and having a tantrum about random and unimportant things.

Perhaps one of the best ways to have your child relax is to just allow him to be himself. For example, your child may want to rock back and forth, pace around, and act, well, autistic. I know that for some parents this is a bit disconcerting to watch their child act so strangely, and they can sometimes try to get the child to act more 'normal'. This most often times back fires. Your child is autistic, and when you prevent him from acting in his own way your not letting him relax and be himself. So, do try to be understanding and don’t think poorly of him if he acts strangely.

You can also help lower your kid’s stress by making sure they have plenty of time to do things which they find enjoyable and relaxing. For myself I happen to know that spending time on the computer is very enjoyable and it helps me to unwind and relax. Spending a good portion of my time on the computer has allowed me to let out my frustrations. Other people may enjoy things like hiking outdoors, or maybe reading books, or maybe watching TV. I don’t know what your son enjoys, but find out and give him every opportunity to do so. This will help him to reduce the amount of stress he is under and help him to relax. I’m not saying it will completely stop meltdowns, but it will make your child more relaxed so he isn’t on edge about to have a meltdown constantly.

Aside from reducing the stress your child is under, you may want to look into what his ‘triggers’ are. A trigger is just what sets off the problem (I.E. failure to find matching socks). Many meltdowns/tantrums can be avoided by simply avoiding triggers. For example, you want your son to brush his teeth, but he doesn’t want to. So, you try forcing the issue, and it winds up in a meltdown. Try talking with him and find out what the problem is. Does he not like the taste of the toothpaste? Does it hurt his teeth? Can the problem be solved easily? For example, would getting a different toothbrush, or different toothpaste fix the issue? I don’t know if that’s a problem you have, but that’s just an example of something you could do. If you find that certain situations routinely lead to meltdowns, then try talking with your son (after the incident is over and he has calmed down) and figure out what the problem is and what can be done to avoid the problem.

Part of preventing meltdowns is learning what sets you off, and avoiding those things. I know that there are certain things which I avoid because it would be very problematic for me. I also may do things differently than normal because in doing so I can avoid a problematic trigger. For example, when I cook with raw chicken, I use a fork and tongs so that I don’t actually touch the raw chicken. It just feels so slimy and I dislike the slimy feeling. Basically, I know what sets me off, so I avoid it. Your son will also need to learn what sets him off so that he can learn to avoid it, or tell other people (you or his teachers), and then you can brain storm and find good ways to either avoid the trigger, reduce exposure, or help him to deal with it in some way. If you want some advice about how to deal with certain triggers then feel free to post it on this forum and we will gladly offer our opinion.

At age 5 your son may lack the ability to properly identify what is causing the problems. He may know something is wrong, but he doesn’t know what; and if he can’t figure out what is wrong he probably doesn’t know what caused it. So for the time being you may need to be alert and look for the patterns. As your son grows up and matures he will probably gain a better ability to identify triggers on his own.

And of course the other thing you can do (and the most effective) is to learn the signs of increasing anxiety, and take steps to relax, step back, and avoid problems before they get out of hand. This is fairly difficult at a young age because as you said yourself, your son is barely aware of what the problem is, so he probably isn’t going to recognize the warning signs. Working with him and helping him to identify, understand, and express his emotions is a good idea; and I highly suggest pursuing it. While I have no personal experience, getting a book full of expressions that your son can use to help him understand and express himself may prove very helpful. The sooner he can learn to identify when he is being overwhelmed the better. Ultimately it will be up to your son to learn when he is becoming overwhelmed, and either take steps to calm down himself, or notify others (parents/teachers) so that they can take him out of the environment.

However, until he is able to properly identify his own emotions and notice the warning signs himself, you may want to be alert and try and spot the warning signs yourself. There are certain things that begin to change about your child as he becomes more and more anxious. He will start breathing a bit harder. His eyes will open wider, and his pupils will shrink. He will start using shorter sentences and probably seem a bit more distracted and jumpy. The changes depends on the individual child, but if you keep an eye out, you will probably notice some changes which tend to indicate elevated stress levels prior to the meltdown occurring.

And lastly the easiest and hardest thing you can do to reduce your child’s meltdowns is to just wait. As your child grows up he will become more and more mature, he will better understand himself, and he gain more control over his emotions. This is very easy to do because it doesn’t require anything from you. But at the same time it is also the hardest thing to do because I am sure you want results now, not later. All I can say is that patience is important. Just wait, and things will be better.

And perhaps the most important thing I can tell you is not to beat yourself up when things go bad and your child has a meltdown/tantrum. It isn’t your fault for poor parenting, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up when things go wrong. I think a good analogy would be like comparing meltdowns to being sick (as in having the flu).

There are things which you can do that will increase your child's likelihood of getting the flu. For example, dunking them into ice cold water, or having them hang around other sick children is a good way to get the child sick. There are also things which you can do to reduce their chances of getting sick. For example, making sure they get enough sleep, getting them good food, and having them wash their hands. But ultimately, even if you reduce their chances to get sick, and do everything you can to keep them healthy, children will acquire the flu eventually. Getting sick is just a result of being around other people in a world full of germs. You can’t prevent sickness completely, all you can do is reduce the frequency and severity of the illness.

Likewise, there are things which increase the child's frequency of meltdowns. Just as you dunking your child into ice water would probably get them sick, putting your child in an environment that is too chaotic, loud, and crowded isn't a good idea. That's just asking for a meltdown. Similarly, just as washing a child's hands will reduce the chances of them getting sick, there are things you can do to reduce the chances of a meltdown. Giving your child plenty of time to relax, unwind, and do things that they enjoy will greatly reduce their chances of getting overwhelmed. But ultimately, even if you reduce their chances of having a meltdown, and do everything you can to keep them relaxed; your child will eventually have a meltdown. Having a meltdown is just a result of being around other people in a chaotic world. You can’t prevent meltdowns completely, all you can do is reduce the frequency and severity.

Getting sick does not reflect poor parenting, nor willful problem making on the part of the child. It is just part of life that you have to accept. Likewise, meltdowns are not caused by poor parenting, nor are the result of the child intentionally creating a problem. It is just part of being autistic, and you just have to accept that they will happen, all you can do is work to reduce the frequency. Over time, your child will develop a better immune system and become sick less often. Likewise, with time and patience your child will learn to sense meltdowns coming and remain calm long enough to avoid the situation.

When a child does get sick, beating yourself up and thinking you’re a bad parent because you didn’t prevent it and cant immediately cure it isn’t going to help. You just need to accept that they have gotten sick, and go from there. Get them some medicine, put them to bed, and just wait until the child is feeling better. There isn’t anything you can do to end the sickness; all you can do is just wait till it is over. Likewise, don’t beat yourself up when your child has a meltdown. Just get them their metaphorical medicine (a calm place) and wait for it to be over.

P.S. Merry Christmas

well I used to throw terrible tantrums as a kid complete with floor head banging until I was 8-9. I did not like change at all...any kind of change was a major set off. I would also recomemend stucturing his time at home much like it is structured at school. I functioned best under high structure and my worst under low structure/stressful situations. This is going to be one of those things where you have to wade through and find out what it is. If he is watching super nanny with you and knows the drill then he is not being oppositional. Sounds like it may be more than one factor going on. He does not get overwhelmed as much in school but his teacher notices trouble with expressive language. Maybe the low structure enviroment of home plus his difficulty with expressive language is causing a meltdown. I believe it is a meltdown of sorts. When I am having a meltdown, I can be soothed, and talked out of it, so your criteria for what is a meltdown may be somewhat incorrect. However, you need create a strict daily routine that structures his at home time. It would be best to have him help you create this structure so he feels that he has some control, so he wont be fighting you for it.

Secondly I would suggest working with him everyday for 30 min or so on expressive language. Make this part of his structured day at home to work on words for feelings.

Once you start working with him on this he will need a cue when he starts melting down. The cue needs to be, "use your words" And while you are teaching him expressive language make sure you say, Use your words, so when he meltsdown then all you have to say is use your words and he will remember what he learned in those study sessions.

There is alot of hope for him because you are a good mother...dont believe anyone who tells you otherwise.

Jojo

Tracker- the advice and insight you have shared is amazing! I feel more enlightened about meltdowns after reading your post and I thank you for that. I could really see my son in your descriptions.

We made a cool down spot together a couple days ago. It looks like a fort made out of blankets and he calls it his hide out. He has his boom box and CDs in there with a few Transformers. He likes it so much that he chose to sleep in it last night! It has also worked when he needed to take a break and calm down.

I'm working at not beating myself up about his behavior issues. We are in the process of getting evaluated so sometimes I look at my little boy and get scared that maybe it's not something neurological, maybe I made him this way through my parenting. I hear those people like Dennis Leary and our relatives who think Asperger's is fake and that these kids just need someone to set them straight. Of course, most days I'm sane and I know that my son is doing his best and so am I and our situation is different and people who think like Dennis Leary are just ignorant.

jojobean- Thank you for advice. During the summer we worked together to make a highly structured daily schedule. It worked well and my son loved knowing what was going to happen each day. I guess I need to implement something like that during the school year as well. My husband was concerned that maybe my structure was not the right decision and maybe I just needed to back off. I think my boy does better with the schedule and I agree that it is a major reason why he does better at school.

Glad to help, that is what I come here for.

If you have any other questions that need answering by a random stranger based on anecdotal evidence, then feel free to ask.

Often its helpful to name emotions as they are feeling them. eg. when they are angry because all the cookies are gone, say "Oh I see you are angry", and so on.

Pictures of course can support this, but no better time to name an emotion for your child than when HE is experiencing it.

As always I love to read Trackers advice, you could never find that in a book (pity!).

xx