If your child is bullied at school what tips do you give?

Post Reply New Topic

for aspie kids i highly recommend krav maga.

its a martial art made for the idf (isreli defense force) at a point in their history they began drafing men women teens old people anyone, their numbers were that low. krav maga was designed to impliment maximum damage to the target with minimal traning. one of the corner stones is dealing with multible enemys at once. this works well in crowd training your aspie kids,

I have a better approach.
Hire an attorney, sue the bully's parents.

If you have a child on the spectrum, my advice to all the parents out there is this. It is better to be feared then loved by other parents and educators in your community. That means litigation. If parents in your community they will be hit with litigation and potentially lose thier livelihood because thier little billy is a bully, they make damn sure thier little billy stops it. If school districts know that every conversation with you will potentially end up with a call from your attorney, they will take you more seriously.

I cannot stress this enough, if you have as special needs child, especially one with an ASD, your best friend should be your attorney. Because of the potential problems with bullying, and because of the issues inside the education system, you should take on the philosophy, it is better to be feared than loved. An attorney is not just an option, it is a necessity. People need to have it in the back of thier head, you will go to all ends to protect your child. Also do not fear calling the police, even if the school is negligent.

As far as those parents who are reluctant to hire attorneys. This is my advice, this is the best way, it can help your child from being violent themselves. Also, you need to wake up to the reality of modern american life, people don't take things seriously until they have a lawyer breathing down thier neck.

Plus, the alternative really does mean prison rules. I rather have a lawyer force a school to expel a bully or place him in a juvenille deliquent school. This way you avoid your kid getting in trouble, and it makes the other parents tell thier kids to avoid doing ANYTHING RESEMBLING bullying to your child.

If your kid is being bullied, your reluctance to hire an attorney to deal with the situation is literally harming your child. And yes, they will resent for your inability to act later on, that I can garuntee.

There is an advantage to being "loved" in the community, as you call it: if I call a parent and tell them their child is being a bully, they will believe me, and act right away on it. When I told the elementary school that something was up with my NT child, they got her into the impacted counseling program. I don't need a lawyer to be taken seriously; I AM taken seriously. Are there times I don't push? Yes. Not because I don't think I can have an impact, but because I've weighed the costs and balances to do so and decided against it. My son would rather have me buy him Warhammer than hire an attorney; while he has had some rough waters recently, he is also seeing quick evidence of how protective the community is of him. Do I think I could intervene and get the kid currently giving him trouble off his back? Actually, yes, I do. But there would be costs to that, and my son has chosen not to go that route. Hiring a lawyer wouldn't avoid that social cost, and would push added costs onto a school system that is already cut past the bone. Be assured, we are willing to go to bat for our kids, and they know it. But they also know that every route has it's pro's and con's, and we make careful choices that involve input from them. They feel listened to, and responded to; there is no issue with that.

bully_on_speed: I don't think there is anything between 0 and 60 when it comes to my son and violence. He would be so wrapped up in it that controlling his actions and limiting the damage he did would be out of the question. He knows my opinion on this, and that it is a major reason I've taught him a pacifist stance. He agrees with us about it; not reluctantly, but hook line and sinker. Shoot, he won't even call a child by a swear word - it goes against his personal code.

You both do have me seeing that my way isn't going to work for everyone, but I say the same about yours. Know the kids, know the community, know the sentiments you are dealing with.

quite the opposite, violence can solve everything. its the outcomes that people dont like

police are trained to take life as a last resort, this is why we have cops die in the line of duty. respect is a response to force. i came from a time where you disrespected a cop you got the wrong end of the cosh and you never did it again.

DW_a_Mom, you are extremely fortunate to live in a more enlightened community and you should be thankful for that. The hard, cold reality is that most of is live in or grew up in communities that don't have the resources or just plain don't care if a kid gets brutalized on a daily basis. For the rest of us it really does come down to prison rules and unfortunately violence is the only real answer we have or had.

thank you

Maybe what makes them think you find them unpleasant is that you find them unpleasant. If they're neurotypical, they can probably figure out what you think of them from your expressions or something.

I was way too socially clueless to find anyone unpleasant. I just ignored them because I ignored everybody. That was my standard way of dealing with people.

I'll give you an example from high school. A group of several kids comes up to me, looking vaguely threatening. One of them asks me some off the wall question. I just give him a straight answer, and he goes off saying "hey, you're cool, you're cool!" Later on I find out they were some well known gang or something.

I don't actually remember the exact question or answer, but I think it may have been something like "you get pretty good grades, huh? You think that makes you hot s----?" And I probably answered "no" with a puzzled look, because I never thought getting good grades made me a better person than others. But yeah, someone who was proud of their grades might have gotten beaten up in that situation.

But like I said, I was socially clueless; I don't know for sure what was happening. Maybe my social reactions were so far outside the norm that he didn't know how to react. Or maybe my "puzzled" expression looked so inhumanly scary that he decided to run away. I kind of doubt that last, though.


The bullies I met were untrained. They were just not so inexperienced as to obviously telegraph their blows. Would they be beaten by someone with formal martial arts experience? Yes. Would they be beaten by someone who had just been told about watching for telegraphed blows? No way.


We're not talking about killing the kid on purpose. We're talking about accidentally killing or causing serious injury, which can happen in one blow with a brick. You may be willing to take that risk with your kids; some of us would rather not.


Ah, the upscale equivalent to "teach your kid to put the bully in the hospital." It might work in more affluent communities. It won't work when the bully's parents are druggies that are already in and out of jail.

Hit back. That's the only thing that worked for me.

Wow - this is really an interesting topic. Very interesting replies.

It does seem that a person's community does play a key role in how to deal with bullies. It's also pretty enlightening to see how people from these different types of communities and backgrounds view suggestions. I think it's safe to say that what may work in an middle to uppermiddle class community is NOT what would work in a less affluent urban area. The values of the community as a whole can have a huge impact upon what is acceptable and what is not.

My family lives in a smaller city - middle to upper income with a large farming community. It's safe to say it's pretty conservative, family oriented and it's a community that supports it's youth to a great degree (people who don't even have kids attend athletic events and 4-H events and not in a creepy way). However - I KNOW my kids probably wouldn't last a week in some of the larger city schools 30 to 40 miles away. They would be eaten alive. The values of those communities are not the same values as they are here. A kid getting picked on is the least of the school's problems when they are dealing with gangs, drugs, weapons, rapes and trying to educate the few kids who actually do show up at school to learn. And parental involvement in those communities is probably minimal due to so many other factors. A kid must learn to survive in the environment that he/she is living in. Some environments are just totally harsh.

I'd like to think that some of the posters suggesting picking up a pipe or whatever and cracking someone over the head is waaaaayyyy off base. It's nothing that I can relate to in my community - things just aren't that extreme. But in reality - that IS the way it can be in other communities. Sad. But true.

A bully can see and smell fear, and that is what feeds them. Ignoring while afraid probably won't work. Ignoring without any fear probably will work.

My son isn't afraid of anyone, mostly because he really is clueless about their intentions. That does make a difference, as well, in what responses he can pull off.

As oncebitten noted, it is really interesting to see what drives the different approaches we're suggesting. I don't know if it all has been much help to the OP, but hopefully she can sort through it and see what might work best for her sister.

Go to the principal and threatnen a lawsuit if they don't get their act together and nip the bullying in the bud and punish the actual bullies.

I think I was too socially clueless to feel fear.


Good point. Ignoring bullies may work better for aspies than for neurotypicals.

Your experience is the exception rather than the rule when encountering bullies. Not everyone shares your unique behavioral patterns. As someone who has tried all conceivable strategies, I feel strongly about this. I've seen others around me get bullied as well.

Yes, I had an INTJ friend whom bullies rarely touched. He was another exception. He, like you, had this otherworldly vibe that freaked the bullies out. Most people I saw being bullied didn't fare as well, however.

Therefore, I can't, with a straight face, tell someone that ignoring a bully will work. Clocking them in the face - yes, I can advocate THAT with a straight face.



I never advocated that verbal description of physical technique can replace practice.

Well, I agree with you, Once Bitten. I think the schools in general should take bullying a lot more serious than they do. What really ticks me off is that kids have to deal with "prison rules" as others call it, but adults have the undisputed right to press assault and/or harrassment charges in the same situation. I think most of us aren't raising our kids to grow up in a prison. At least I know I'm not. I'm not trying to offend anyone here, just stating my point about something I feel strongly about.

That's exactly why we have chosen to continue living where we do. Unfortunately the schools and the communities as a whole won't take it seriously until enough people get involved and MAKE them take it seriously.

How many times are they going to show video's of some kid being beaten up while other kids cheer it on - and worse - THE ADULTS in the community drive right by and do absolutely NOTHING??? That's sick. Oh sure - the news plays it up - they talk to 'experts' and 'witness'' and they're all horrified about it - but what id anyone really doing about it? Aside from certain cases making headlines, no one really does anything and no one really seems to care until it's their child. The worst part is - the parents - how many parents just don't care, excuse the behavior or even encourage it?

Who is ultimately responsible? The child that bullies? The parent who raised the child that bullies? The school that has bullies but can't/won't deal with them? The community that doesn't want to 'get involved'? Where do you even begin to address the problem?

When it comes to schools taking bullying seriously, in our area, I would say the issue is less about level of caring than simply not having the manpower to do anything about it. They need evidence which, since middle school social rules say don't rat out other kids, generally means an adult has to have witnessed it. The bullies are smart enough to make sure an adult has not witnessed it.

I actually got mad at the middle school for dragging my son is as a witness on an incidence that didn't involve him. He did take a lot of social flak on that, and I didn't feel it was fair to do that with an AS child. Turns out they actually had a dozen kids willing to bear witness, but my son didn't have the ability to see how or if any of those other kids bore a social cost. In a way, there I was, perpetuating the problem ... but I was really worried that my son's main protector in life was turning on him because he told the truth, and I saw social disaster for him.

Ultimately, it seems, a well laid foundation from elementary school can carry into the later years and make the KIDS turn against bullies. This is what we saw when my son got punched a week ago - the kids have all stepped up to tell the boy that punching isn't the way you solve things. Kids my son isn't friends with will run interference when they see a prankster trying to mess with his locker - I hear about it from their parents. My son is clueless. But what the kids can do is limited, and I know some other kids who withdrew from the same middle school because the school was unable to solve the subtle bullying they were experiencing.

Both the elementary school and middle school hold workshops and assemblies on anti-bullying strategies.

The elementary school has beefed up adult supervision by encouraging parents to be recess volunteers. It isn't an interference strategy as much as a prevention strategy: the parents are asked to run activities, and kids who are busy in organized activities do not have the time to become bullies. It works. I don't think I'd want to trust the delicate issues of who is right to parents who might be biased, but keeping the kids too busy to be problems is definitely something parents can do.

But Middle School doesn't have much recess, and bullying tends to happen quickly and subtly between classes and at lunch. Since we can't really ask parents to volunteer to easedrop, you have to teach the kids. I know the middle school tries, but it doesn't seem to be working for the kids who didn't already form a protective community in elementary school.

I don't really have answers, obviously. We're in a state that has severe budget cuts and they are already cutting into bone when it comes to staffing and funding. Which means it is likely to get worse before it gets better. To stop bullying you need eyes. Without funding, they don't exist. I can credit our area for believing bullying is wrong, and not following a "might is right" mindset, but even getting that far doesn't mean it can all be stopped. For those in areas that don't even believe it is wrong - who follow the "hey, the kid asked for it" philosophy - that I definitely blame on the adults in charge, and that cannot be blamed on lack of funding.