Hi, I am New and Need Support regarding my 5 Year Old

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I haven't had a chance to read through all the posts yet but I'm sure some have told you that Aspergers is not an "illness". It is a neurological difference.

I can completely understand how you would be frustrated and losing patience with your son if you haven't had any idea about what was causing him to behave differently than other children. However, now that you know, I would strongly encourage you to reorient your perspective on your son and his behaviour - he is not behaving badly. He is responding to his own neurological reality and unless you can help make your world more autistic-friendly, he will continue to struggle. This means you need to read up on Aspergers and wrap your head around the way his head works. It isn't as daunting as it seems right now - it isn't easy, but it is completely doable. There is a thread here on books that people recommend for parents, I found that thread very useful in seeking out resources.

Somebody also mentioned drugs ... I would hesitate to dose him up when his diagnosis is brand new. Many of his behaviours may completely disappear or become managable once he has had time to adjust to changes in his routine and environment, and changes in the way you speak to/handle/and discipline him (I am assuming you have been disciplining him for behaviours up till now that you did not realize were stemming from autism). I would give your family time to adjust to this new way of being before introducing any meds. Just my opinion

Hi. I´m and adult and I´m also on risperdal. I had a past of agressive behaviour and the drug does really helps a little although I think that relying only on drugs is not enough (teraphy also helps me a lot). Well I guess it would be great if I could just work all my problems (communication, relationships, occupational problems) overnight and don´t be agressive anymore but I guess that some people on some occasions just can´t do that and need a little help from the drugs. Risperdal don´t make me feel like a "robot" or sedated or anything like that at all (for some people these drugs do work). Risperdal is FDA approved for treatment of irritability and impulsivity in autistic kids from age 5 to 16. However, in the long run I do adivice try working out what causes the agressive behaviour (sensory related? communication problems? changes in routine? frustration?). I read in a book that most tantrums could be avoided by improving autistic kids expressive language so the kid can ask for something if he/she wants it or express if something bothers him/her. But I´m not a parent so I don´t know what services are available to kids.

Hi hopeful, I have been a my wits end so many times! I used to just blow up and yell at my son and then he would respond with hitting himself in the face and making a grimmis face,and hit himself some more.Then he started slamming his head on the floor.When I saw this I didn't relize that this always happened after I blew up . It was as though he was sucking in my frustration when I released my anger and then he would hold it for awhile and then for no apparent reason sometimes hours later release a melt down of uncontrolled rage..I was really worried but I didn't put it together for almost 2 years. he had to where a helmet and still slammed his head ,but I was not aware that my frustration had to be controlled to help him.I had four other boys and no help from anyone, their dad and I had split up and he refused to believe anything was wrong or different with him and blamed me for his problems.I had a very hard time and all I could do was read books (no internet then)we were very poor and no help for me. He was in special ed and they helped him at school with a place in the classroom where he could go (a beanbag chair behind a see -through screen) so he could feel alone to deal with himself.But i would still get called to pick him up 2 or 3 times a week for an outburst. I started keeping a little journal about my frustration and helplessness and after about 2 years I put it together( he was like a mirror of my emotions) or at least my melt downs seem to cause one of his. So I made sure I hid my frustration from him.I would go in my room or hold it. He immediatly stopped melting down,still some anger but as I copped with my own stuff I was more able to help him cope. There is so much to say (I should write a book or somethimg) this is a nutshell of a pile of nutshells of our journey .Michael is 18 now and taking college courses at the community college here in town, he is very happy, socially ocward but outgoing and has never been medicated (reccommended by every doctor,I would put it off, and I'm glad) He has always taking more time to deal with than my other boys.A lot more time, and tons more understanding, I still loose my temper mostly with my new husband , and when I do it it still affects Mike, He is not a mirror anymore but we have to discuss every aspect of why I got angry calmly so he can understand.most times we find that my anger was just frustration and getting angry only caused anger in everybody so we still need to defuse more oftten.Its really hard to controll anger, but its the most important thing so I was able to help him and gain understanding,I wasn't able to do that untill I wised up.

I am new here too. I also have a five year old son and I can relate to much of what you have posted. We just received his diagnosis of High functioning autism and I was not really surprised except that I really thought he would be diagnosed with Asperger's.

I don't have any wisdom to share with you, except that you should really find some outlet for yourself. It is, in my opinion, very important to find someone to confide in. It might also be good to have that someone be someone other than your hubby. Both of you, if you are like my hubby and I, are just trying to figure it out right now and each of you will deal with this differently and that is ok, but you will need someone to talk to that you can bounce your thoughts off of without feeling added pressure that can be present with your spouse.

Take care and best wishes for all of you.

Thank you all so much for your welcomes, opinions and advice. All was taken in consideration and appreciated. First I must say it is nice to know that I am not alone. Being able to express my frustrations for me is my first step. I have held in my thoughts and frustrations for over a year now. We have kept our privacy regarding our son and have tried to deal with his Aspergers on our own. I am not sure if I am relaying the message that I have no information or knowledge regarding his Aspergers. I have read several books on the subject, have tried several different ways to communicate with my son on "his level" Have taken the time to try and understand the way he is thinking, but sometimes I feel like I just keep getting it wrong. And yes it does become very very frustrating on me as a loving compassionate mother as well as my entire family. We do not punish our son, we do use a reward system as well. We learned early on that punishments of any kind, good, bad or indifferent that is typical for a 5 year old does not work with our son. I devised my own system of placing stickers on a chart when both my children exhibit good, consistent behaviors throughout the day. They have a chance to earn up to 10 stickers a week. If they earn all 10, they get to choose any toy they want at the toy store (under a certain price point, of course...lol) if they are not able to make it to 10 but at least get 6 or more, they get to chose from a can of soda or gum. This way they at least get something for trying. So far it has worked pretty well, however my son struggles to make it to the 10 stickers a week. We are very consistent in our discipline with our children. We are extremely explanatory with our reasoning, I believe with any child, whether an Aspie or not, needs an explanation for consequences of bad decisions. I know my son does not wake up feeling he is going to make my life complicated for the day. I do realize this is not a choice, but again, it is frustrating when ideas you come up with don't work. We are very new to his neurological differences and need advice from other parents that have been through this and what may have worked for them. As well as we would love to share out thoughts and ideas of what may have worked for us. I guess my main concerns are that we have not reached the point of knowing what triggers our child to chaos. When he is in a chaotic state compared to normal 5 year old behavior.

Prior to the medication, we were fully aware of his chaos as he would react with extreme aggression. Hitting me, kicking me, throwing things at my head. This state of frustration would last not just an hour, but all day long. I remember on his 4th birthday, my husband literally had to sit outside his door of his bedroom the entire day until he could calm down and talk. He could not really say what was bothering him, just that he was very angry and frustrated. We had to resort to leaving him on his bed, to try and calm himself, because if anyone else was in the room, he was way to violent. I again, absolutely hate medicating my son, what parent really wants to do this? But honestly, after taking his medication for about 4 days in a row, my son did a 360 degree change with his aggression and sleeping patterns. Prior to the medicine, he would wake up in the middle of the night, at least 5 to 6 times a night, just drenched in sweat. We were not sure if it was nightmare or what it was, he would give us absolutely no explanation for the way he was feeling. Since the meds, he can at least communicate some of what he is feeling. So what I am asking is there any other parent out there that has seen an improvement with their child on medicine and if so what are they taking? I know we are not alone in this decision. I am truly hoping that the facility we will be attending can guide us and teach us more about our son and his ways of thinking. The facility has everything we will need all in one location, however it has taken us a slow 6 months to even be considered. We are looking forward to scheduling his first appt!

Thank you also for the poster who suggested the sign language and/or emotions book. That is a great idea and I think will help for our son. I already spoke to him today about it and he told his daddy when he got home about. This means he is interested and may think it is a good idea because he got excited We have an extremely loving and happy household and will anything we can to help our children, but sometimes having an outlet is a nice to begin healing. And as pragmaticmom mentioned, talking to my husband is not always the most ideal person to talk to when it comes to my everyday frustrations. All we end up doing is bouncing ideas off of one another without having a concrete understanding of our son. Experience, advice and time to heal is key!

I agree with Pragmaticmom, you really have to find a little time for yourself to do normal things like getting your hair done, or going somewhere even if only for an hour to let off steam. As one professional stated to me, you have to consider keeping yourself sane. If you go insane, then your son does not stand a chance. So you do have to allow yourself this. And also, time to just have a good cry if that is what you need. So far, I have not joined a support group because I thought that all I would do is sit there and cry. So, Wrongplanet does serve a very good outlet to me.

It really sounds to me (even if others disagree) that your son is doing much better with his meds. However, I think that over time, finding the triggers for his behavior and working with a therapist on sensory integration would be great. I think the school should be able to help with some of that. Then if possible, maybe he could be weaned off the medicine? Just a thought. I think you have to do what is right for your child.


One thing I have found that helps my son feel that he has some control over things is to constantly give him choices. Giving him choices over things that really make no difference to you. For example, do you want the red vitamin or the orange vitamin. Do you want to wear this shirt or this shirt. Do you want to read a book or listen to music. I just do this alot throughout the day to help him feel more in control of his world. I don't know if this will work for your son or not.

That is the thing with AS. You never really know what is going to work, so you just keep trying different things until you figure it out.

I think you are doing a wonderful job for your son---I believe that once you become more informed about AS, you will learn more methods of coping and dealing with your son, and things will get better.

As far as sharing with others about your son, I know it is hard. I have struggled with that too. The decision I have made is to only tell someone after we have developed a relationship with them. I don't tell everyone we meet at the park or the grocery store, or someone we see off and on and on casual basis. But, if I feel that the parents or the children we meet might be someone that we may be seeing a lot, I go ahead and tell them. It sort of takes the pressure off of me of feeling like I am hiding something, and I know after awhile, they are going to notice that my son is not interacting like other children, and I don't want them to feel uncomfortable thinking that they should say something to me about my son. I don't know if this is the right way to handle it or not, but it seems to be working for us.

Hope some of this helps!

[quote="Hopeful1106"] The strange thing about all this is when he is in a public place, around other children, he completely acts different. He is shy, does not socialize, does not particpate in activities unless forced too. He too has to hang all over the teacher and seek help for everything he does. He also will not look at any of his peers or teachers in the eyes. He is a absolute complete angel at school.

regarding the phone, I just explained he could have it later, around lunch time, but he just did not want to hear that answer, he wanted it now and did not back down. I believe he does not keep asking me to manipulate me in to giving him such things as the phone, he just has a sense of urgency of needing to possess things once he has it in his mind that he wants it.

quote]


I so hear you about your son being an angel at school. I used to have teachers, babysitters and such tell me they loved having my son there, and I would think "are we talking about the same boy" because your list of behaviors/problems could have been my list.

And I do believe they get a "one track mind" about objects, so about the phone, I think you are correct, he isn't trying to be manipulative, he is just hyperfixating on it and only it. My son would do that a lot and, boy, can that make a day stressful when you can not get their minds to change off the subject they have locked onto.

One consolation is that I think if you can live through this with patience, and lots of the "holding when he has his meltdowns" (I've had to do that many of times, even in public), he may outgrow it like my son has. He is now 17 years old and I am so proud of him. I tell people that I went through the teenage years with my son at the ages of 3-11. High School years have been way easier than any of the years I had then!

angelbear - I really like your input. You expressed it very well. I'm not very good with words so I would like to say, "ditto".

Another thing to remember is that it's not an illness. It's a pervasive developmental disorder. I was going to voice that, before, but I had a feeling that I might get attacked.

No attacks from me Cockney Rebel.