Tell your children!

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Kiley I agree. Right now my son has no desire to make a friend, and he has no idea that other children may think of him as strange. The main 2 kids that he is around, are 1 yr younger than him, and so far they haven't started making an issue of it. He has been in special needs pre-k for 2 yrs, and he was probably one of the more high functioning kids in the class both years, so it has not been an issue at school.

He is now becoming more and more verbal, and I feel that I can sort of start to talk to him about things. Whenever I talk about how having a friend might be nice, he says " I am going to play with me. I am my friend" LOL! So at least I now know that he doesn't really care, whereas before I was just wondering why he avoided all of the kids at the playground!

So yeah, I will tell him when the time is right. When I feel that he can understand it, or if he starts asking questions about why he is different. I think I will know.

Right now I have no idea where this road is leading, so I will just have to keep going until it makes sense.

ITA. I also agree that it depends on where the child is on the spectrum, if DS, say, remains non-verbal he'll probably need more of an explanation, but in the meantime I'm not going to assume that he wants his mother announcing his business to everyone, and an autism dx is the sort of thing that other people remember.

Apologies if I've gone off OP's path, I still appreciate the advice and do plan on sharing DS's dx with him once/if he's able to understand.

I'm so glad this has gotten so much support. I started this thread in hopes of helping the fence sitters and maybe even some one the information withholders to come clean, and it's gotten a lot of positive reaction, so if you know anyone who's debating about it, please direct them here.

I have debated this issue for a long time and I have come to realize recently that my problem is with the label itself, not so much telling him he is different. I don't want him to feel he has a "disorder" because I don't really see it that way. I don't want him to think there is something wrong with him because to him, "wrong" equals "bad" and he's a perfectionist and takes things emotionally hard. I have to be really careful how I handle certain things. Once he is convinced he's wrong or bad, it's hard to get him to see otherwise. I just don't know how this diagnosis will translate to him, no matter how positive I am. I know my son.

Having this realization about the label has made this decision so much easier for me. Every kid is different, and every kid has their struggles. Some more than others, but nobody is perfect. My son is very articulate when it comes to his differences so I'm lucky in that respect. He tells me how he's different so "I" can understand how "his" mind works and explain it to others, which is what he asks me to do with the information he gives me. We have talked about this stuff, but I have not yet brought up "autism" with him. If he asks, I will be honest with the diagnosis because if he asks, he's ready to know.

He has difficulties, we both know what they are, he knows I will support him and help him, and that is why he talks to me. He just wants to be understood. I don't think "why" has even crossed his mind yet.

Will I actually tell him he has autism? Eventually. When he's ready to know about the label, able to process and not feel negative about it and he asks why he is that way. Then I will bring up autism. Until then, I really don't think it will benefit him to know the label that has been given him. He knows he's different, he knows that I also had issues as a child as well as his Daddy, and that's OK. We'll work it out, and we love him, and so do a lot of people. That's what I really think he needs to know at this point. He's 8.

I haven't had a sit down with my son yet about his autism. He's 6.

I just use the word and try to put it in context, as in, "Look at this art work. The artist has autism like you!" Or, "She loves cows, she's an inventor, a teacher and she is autistic."

I want to normalize autism and highlight the accomplishments of autistics.

Also, T has a stim where he likes to flash his hand back and forth in front of his beloved camera lens. When we watch his movies together, I tell him the truth. I say, "T, that hurts my eyes, I can't watch this part. Autistic people like to watch it, but I can't."

I don't say things like, "You have autism, you're different."

Later, as he grows I'll change my tactics to suit the situation. But I firmly believe it's in his best interests to be open and honest about his autism.

Now, telling other people. I still feel really awkward about it.

I'm not sure how, when, what to tell...

It's not out of shame or anything like that. It's just the complexity of the situation. How can I know who's prejudiced or who's not? Will people think he isn't intelligent and talk to him like a baby? Will they think that their child will have to do all the work if they accept an invitation to a playdate? Will they assume behavioral problems? I do tell, but it's different for every situation. And sometimes I don't tell. Sometimes I don't even understand my motivation for telling or not telling. I find it really confusing.

Any thoughts, CymbalMonkey and CockneyRebel, anyone? Perhaps a separate thread?

I'm glad you brought it up. I think kids are usually ready to know before we parents figure it out, but the parents around here seem really on top of it and are probably going to find the right moment. It does help to bring it up.

Do you have any words of wisdom for those of us with older kids? Mine are 9, 11 and 13. The oldest two are Aspies and the youngest one's dx is more debatable. He's so divergent and different it's hard to figure if or where he fits on the spectrum, but he's extremely not NT.

Thank you, CymbalMonkey This thread is very close to my heart.

I couldn't agree more.

My son, now 14, was 12 when we started investigating the possibility of AS & 13 by the time he was diagnosed.

Sitting him down to tell him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life! I even considered not telling him at all!

I was so afraid of what his reaction would be.

When we were at the final point of the diagnostic process and it was confirmed, his words to the pediatrician were: "What a relief. I struggle every single day to fit in. I've always thought I was just dumb."

I cried when I heard him say that and am teary now... No one should ever have to feel this way about themselves.

I told my daughter just last night that her brain works differently and she learns differently in response to her feeling bad about struggling with maths (she has dyspraxia).
I put it in a positive way and mentioned there are many things she can do well that other kids who find maths easy cannot.

OP, I can't agree more.

I just discovered someone in my (not so immediate) family has a son with AS but isn't interested in the diagnosis.

what you disclose to other people (family, school, friends) is a different story but your kid needs to know.

if you don't agree, please read:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt35099.html

Although my son first saw a psychologist for his problems when he was 3, he wasn't diagnosed until much later, when he was 16. (Looking back I now know that was because the psychologist wasn't well-versed in AS, but at the time I just trusted that he knew what he was talking about). My daughter was diagnosed when she was 13. Because of their ages, and because our route to diagnoses was a bit unconventional ... a friend with AS said she thought my children also AS, and would we like to be put in touch with the clinician who diagnosed her, to talk it through ...I involved them in the whole process of diagnosis. I talked to them about our friend, about her diagnosis, about AS and how AS people can be different in some ways from NT people, that it isn't that one is 'wrong', the other 'right', they are just different sorts of mind, but that AS people can find some things difficult that NT people find easy.... etc etc etc ...asked them if the description sounded like anyone else they knew (both immediately said, 'yes, me'), and I ended up by asking them if they'd like to meet with the people who'd diagnosed our friend and talk about themselves. So they were involved in the decision to get a diagnosis, they effectively made that decision, with our full support and encouragement, so there was never any issue about telling them. Obviously this wouldn't be an appropriate route for a parent of a younger child. And I do wish we'd had diagnoses earlier.

The issue of telling other people.... at 16 and 13 it has to be up to them, doesn't it? I think that is clear. And it is not an easy decision for them. I have told some people who are specifically 'my' friends, because I need my closest friends to know the big things in my life. I haven't said anything to my parents yet. I'm not at all sure of what to do about that as my mother in particular is very against putting labels on children. I remember a health form we had to fill in when I was 11... she made me tick 'no' to every box, even though I had some of the issues listed, because she said 'no child of mine is going to be on the records as having anything wrong'... which will sound a bit crazy probably, but she's from another generation, and she faced a lot of discrimination as a child, so she is desperately wary of anything that might mark a child out as 'different' in any way.

agree tell them about their diagnoses.

I don't care how many times this topic comes up. It can't be hammered on enough. The regular question of "should I?" comes up so often, this thread deserves to be a sticky. Tell them. Hiding this kind of thing from your kids is cruel. They NEED to know. I didn't know until I was forty-six. Nobody else did either, but what I wouldn't give to be able to do it all over knowing, I can't even imagine.

Tell them!