HELP! TWO Aspie parents here...

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I felt completely overwhelmed and "touched out" when my kids were babies too. I am not dxed with Aspergers, but suspect I may be or at least have many, many traits. I spent most of the first few years of my sons' lives feeling completely confused, exhausted and inadequate, and I felt like if I admitted that to anyone or asked for help that they would judge me or worse. I wish now that I would have asked for help. Many mothers whether NT or AS go through this, especially with high needs babies/toddlers and it is no reflection on the mother you will become or the bond you will forge with your child, and it all gets better as they get older.

I also could not tell the difference between different types of cries (different types of cries, seriously? WTH? They all sound the same -LOUD! This of course, exacerbated that feeling of incompetency and guilt), so I over compensated by responding to every single whimper and murmur, and was so sensorily overloaded by the end of the day that I was too ill to sleep when I actually got the chance. And other older well-meaning moms would give all sorts of advice about getting my sons on a schedule and how we should do things and none of it worked for us, ever, despite my best efforts (more guilt!). Now I know that both of my sons (twins) had AS and severe allergies and were dysregulated and high needs from the start, at the time I just beat myself up, because if other women could do it, why couldn't I?

If I could go back again I would try not to worry so much about doing things "right". Kids are quite resilient and flexible. If your son is fed, bathed and clothed, treated with kindness and in a safe and reasonably stimulating environment, he will be just fine.
I would also say "no" more often. No, I will not pick you up right now. No, I am not up for the park or Mommy & me group today. And I wouldn't worry about the state of the house at all. Let it be messy, as long as it isn't posing any health risks to your son, and if there is any way you can find inexpensive or volunteer help for yourself, take it!

One thing that did really help at that time was a battery powered cradle swing, my sons needed near constant motion to be happy and this freed me up and kept them calm. My husband was also able to give a bottle feeding every evening (when he was in town, he traveled every 2nd week for work) to allow me a few hours to sleep (if I could). And I don't know what your interests are, but I was able to read or listen to audio books while I nursed etc. I think this kept me sane, being able to immerse myself in my own interests while still attending to the babies. I never did find much relief for the being "touched out" thing. I really just had to grin and bear it. That peeked when my sons were toddlers and it felt like they were all over me all day. Now they are 10 and their thresholds for touch are much lower than mine, so nowadays the tables have turned and I feel lucky to get an occasional hug!

It will get better. When my sons were somewhere around 3-4, I started genuinely enjoying every minute with them. Suddenly instead of struggling just to keep up, we were learning and playing and discovering the world together! The first couple of years are rough, most especially if baby or self has some special needs. Most women find it far more difficult than they are willing to admit (of course there are those few abnormal ones for whom everything is rosy, peachy, keen...ugh, blech!) but it all gets better and better with time. Hang in there.

PLEASE don't feel bad about what's going on. The fact that you're reaching out for solutions shows me that you're a GREAT mom!

I am NT, but when any of my kids were babies, I often felt "touched out" by the end of the day. I had a mother's helper who was 12 when she started. I put the word out to everyone I knew that I was looking for a teen to help me out, and it turned out one of my old co-workers had a niece who lived nearby. Young teens are actually fabulous because they are 1) cheap and 2) don't spend all their time checking their text messages.

Best wishes.

IDK what it is like to be a parent that has aspergers, but I do know what it is to be a parent. Everything you describe is normal for NT moms as well. There are some that are better at it than others, but when any person is thrust into this sudden world of no sleep, constant demands, cuddling, playing, no me time, it is extremely overwhelming. Most of us just suck it up and do the best we can. But, with you being aspie, you may not be able to 'suck it up' and you should ask for help. That is not to say that you should pass on all your responsibilities, but that is to say that any mom would 'need' help (but usually don't get it), and being that you are aspie, you must get help to care for your child.

I really hate how moms are expected to do everything w/ their kids. It is ridiculous and it is not good for the kids or the mom. One person does not have the energy or roundness to fulfill every need of a child. It is not possible. So our kids usually just go without having all their needs met (NT or aspie parent).

You should think of this as doing what is in the best interest of your child rather than you being a failure.

I am single w/ 2 kids, one 10 (possibly on the spectrum) and one 17 month old. I don't have anyone to help me, but when someone offers I jump at it. I know that my 17 month old is not being taken care of properly because of his brother's disororder and my 10 yo w/ the disorder is also not being cared for properly because I don't know what he needs. I am just trying to get thru this til we get the proper treatment. I am completely overwhelmed.

Double aspie couple with kids here. A lot of the issues you mention are common to all parents, and you've already got good advice on those. However, there are some issues specific to aspie parents, some of which you mention in your original post, so I'll try to provide a perspective on things that seem to be specific to aspies.

Note that our situation is slightly different from yours. We both work, and we hire an Au Pair who covers most, but not all, the time my wife spends at work. For her, spending some time at a day job instead of child care gives her some variety that she prefers, but the overall child care work load on the two of us should be similar to your situation.

Okay, here are the specific things we have done. Our deal was that my wife would do the child care for nonwork time, and I'd take over the majority of the chores. That allows the chores to be done by someone who isn't subject to constant interruptions by kids. In our case, I do all the cooking and dishes, and most of the laundry. However, it should be noted that she also does a few chores that are normally husband chores, like cutting the grass - I'm too allergic - and taking out the trash.

I think that unloading the laundry on your husband could work. One caveat: you'd need to have 8 days worth of clothes for everyone. If you did, though, he could set aside one weekend day as laundry day, and do it between IT calls, which would probably work for him. It might not get folded or hung up, but it would at least be clean, and having clean baby clothes can be important when you have a diaper explosion.

Unloading cooking and dishes in your case may be more questionable. It sounds like you can manage dishes, and I only do the cooking in our household because I enjoy cooking and my wife hates it, which may not apply to you. However, you may have other things that he could pick up if he's willing.

The second thing that worked well for us when we just had one kid was that I took our daughter for one hour each morning while my wife went to the gym. That was good "alone time" for my wife, and one hour was long enough for me to enjoy some delightful time with our daughter, without being so long that I got too bored or tired. That was definitely a win win for all three of us.

In general, I think the key to sharing chores among aspies is (1) have the responsibilities be clear, so everyone knows what to expect, and (2) manage in larger chunks of time, like hours or days and not minutes or "a few seconds". For example, the one hour of "daddy hour" each day worked much better than what happens now, which is that my wife dumps the kids on me for "five minutes" to do something, then doesn't come back for an indeterminate period of time. A predictable hour is much better than an unpredictable 15-30 minutes.

That brings me to my last piece of advice. That piece is, don't have your second kid immediately if you can avoid it. Our situation has gotten far more stressful since we had our second kid - really, since we got to the last trimester of the second kid - because it's extremely difficult for one aspie to take care of two small children at once. We deal better with people when it's one on one, rather than a group; two kids crying at the same time is a big problem. We're managing, but dealing with the kids has become more of a chore and less of a delight.

If you can, I recommend that you wait until your first kid is three before having your second kid. A four year old can walk around independently, maybe put on their own shoes and such, and can often follow orders and otherwise not require attention every single second. We didn't have time to wait for that, but often I wish we had had that time. Our daughter sometimes tries to help take care of her baby brother even at 2, but it's more of a hindrance than a help due to her short attention span; I can tell in a couple of years, though, she could actually be a positive help with a new baby.

Edit: I second the idea that the depression could be postpartum depression - especially if you are breastfeeding, which results in the transfer of essential fatty acids from your brain to the breast milk to your baby's brain. You may wish to take steps to get enough omega 3 fatty acids, in which most western diets are deficient.

Hey everyone. Sorry it's taken me so long to respond back. Things are crazy (still, LOL).
I'm trying to spend more time with my son and I'm trying out new ways of organizing our schedule, and this means less time online. Thanks for all the advice and tips. To those suggesting we schedule personal time, we're trying that...it's not working out yet mostly because I can't depend on my husband being available at a specific time on any given day. We're trying though and he's got 2 job interviews Fri. Hopefully he can get a new job soon- one that doesn't have him freaked out 24/7 and allows him to have a more sane schedule. That will help A LOT.

As for Postpartum Depression, it has gotten worse and I am certain I have it. I started having these episodes where I've had trouble catching my breath (literally, not figuratively) and I've realized I HAVE felt resentment. Not AT my son or husband, but at the situation. I've also realized I've turned into "mean, no fun mom" all the time. I've been zoning a lot and not really spending time with my son or husband. I've been trying to "get stuff done" but I haven't been "around" mentally. I've been too depressed. I've been spending most of my time moping, in a depressed fog.

I been denying that I've felt freaked out, resentful, fearful, and angry, because I'm ashamed of it. But now that I am honestly looking at how I am acting, I feel like there are things I can do differently and changing my attitude is one of the easiest things I can do. I have been looking at everything my son does as a situation where I have to punish instead of seeing them as opportunities to teach. He's too little to understand stuff from punishment anyway. I have also been allowing myself time to just play with him, instead of putting it off until I've taken care of things (even if the dishes aren't all done and it's freaking me out). I wasn't thinking of the fact that for him, right now, playtime with me IS necessary. And what a fun, easy job! It's a tad difficult to get yourself in the mood to play when you are depressed, but it's much easier than worrying about ALL the chores ALL the time and getting MORE depressed.

Through talking to my husband I also realized why I feel so angry and resentful. It's so textbook, it's ridiculous: I'm angry at my parents. It's complicated, but the simple version is: my parents were always my friends. I didn't have friends in my peer group. I barely noticed my "peers". Then my brother was born. Things changed a little but they weren't terrible. My brother was a super easy baby- he slept ALL THE TIME (still does actually, LOL). He was happy and mellow ALL THE TIME. THEN my sister was born. She was the opposite. It seemed as if she screamed constantly. Around the time she was about 6months old (and I was 9) we moved to this cabin owned by my aunt, in the middle of nowhere, because we were having money issues. My parents both worked, and we were all miserable.

My haven, where I was respected, and my geeky, strange ways were supported, vanished. I all of a sudden realized I didn't have friends at school and the teachers were bugging me and my parents about it. Teachers ALWAYS had bugged my parents about it before, and my parents had told them to (politely) "shove it". But now, they were asking me why I couldn't just do what the teachers said, and "be normal". They never SAID "normal", but that was the jist. They were too busy to hang out with me, too busy to deal with me "causing problems". I hated being at school. I did anything to get out of it: I missed the bus, pretended to be sick, ditched, I even would call my mom on the days where I couldn't get out of going there.

I always thought that it was the school situation, and becoming aware of my lack of social skills with peers that I was angry at. But I just realized that it was my parents and the home situation I have been mad at all these years. You'd think my parents would have noticed that their nerd kid, who LOVED school (despite always having issues socially), all of a sudden would do ANYTHING not to go. And you'd think they would noticed that I was ANGRY all the time, when before I was a very mellow polite kid. I would hit, throw things, burn things (just twigs and such outside), break things, yell... I NEVER did stuff like that before. I was happy reading or building forts with my Lincoln Logs and Legos. I was happy watching TV or listening to music with my parents, or just sitting with them and hearing them talk. But now, they worked all the time (opposite shifts) and fought. They never had time to relax, and they expected me to help raise my siblings all of a sudden. My dad worked far away, my mom worked nights (also pretty far) and during the day was pretty much "absent" (asleep, zoned out, freaked out). My dad would come home and go to sleep. I was left to feed everyone and clean since I was the only one. There was no relax time. There was no peace. And with two babies (one who was VERY demanding, and the other who was PISSED that he wasn't the baby anymore) and work and money problems, they didn't have time to raise me. I had always been fine "on my own"- so why couldn't I just deal? No one noticed I was so angry or having serious issues. I got resentful, angry, depressed, fearful, lonely....exactly like I feel now. And my life is similar- we moved far away from everything I knew. There's a baby who is pretty needy (although nowhere near as challenging as my sister). My husband works all the time. I'm left to do everything because there is no one else.

As a kid, I felt totally helpless. I shouldn't have been expected to do what I was expected to. It wasn't fair. However, I am an adult now. I have realized I am not helpless. I am in charge. I can deal with this. The situation is NOT the same. I have also realized, being put into my parents shoes, WHY they were too busy to pay attention. I feel really mad at them right now, but I am beginning to understand and forgive them. And it really is making me feel better. They shouldn't have dealt with it the way they did (by, basically, NOT dealing and expecting me to pick up the slack). But I can do better knowing what I know. I get to stay home with my son, so I already have it easier than they did. My parents should have payed attention. They should have helped me, instead of ignoring my issues while asking me to take care of their needs and responsibilities.

What's done is done. They aren't bad people, they loved me. They were just in panic, survival mode. I know better. I can learn from those mistakes. So that is what I am trying to do now. I am treating motherhood as an opportunity to teach and spend time with my son. We have discovered that he is going through the "separation anxiety phase" and that is why he seems so super needy all of a sudden. So I am trying to remember that when I get overwhelmed by it. I am trying to organize time for myself with the help of my husband. I am going to try and get a sling or something so I can carry the baby while also getting some stuff done too. I can't remember who mentioned that here, but I think it's worth a try.

Oh, I am not nursing, btw for those who mentioned that. I had trouble with that (it's a LONG story). I pumped milk for him for 7months but once he became mobile pumping several times a day was not possible for me. Eventually my supply dried up due to inconsistent pumping. But he got it for 7 months and that is awesome considering the hell I went through trying to get him to nurse. Anyway, stopping nursing has helped free-up time, but hormonally may have caused issues. It was after I stopped nursing that I started to feel really depressed. Eventually though my hormones will level and they won't be as big an issue. Right now I am trying to focus on my other issues. Hopefully if I work on those, the hormonal imbalance won't be too big of an issue by itself.

Hopefully this all makes sense. Sorry if it's rambly. I've had to write this over the course of today, when I've had time. So it's probably ended up way too long, rambling, and has spots that don't make a lot of sense