getting aspie kids to do chores/find job

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Not everyone CAN work fast food; I certainly can't (but I'm a GREAT CPA); and pushing someone without the right talent into such a job can really hurt self-esteem. The main skill needed for low wage work like fast food, amusement park concessions, etc. is speed and the ability to deal with chaos. Neither are skills most Aspies have, but both are skills many NT teens have. I was horrible at my high school summer jobs; it was an incredibly self-defeating experience that I hope to avoid with my kids and I don't recommend to anyone. The right job fit really is important, even at this age.

When it comes to work, the most productive thing long run is to continue developing skills through volunteer jobs. These may also eventually lead to paying jobs and, if not, at least help the person start identifying strengths and weaknesses.

This makes perfect sense to me, and I happen to agree with azurecrayon on this and many of her other posts for that matter. The job of the parent is to TEACH THEIR CHILDREN good habits, good attitudes, good living skills, and many other things. As a teaching aid, a system of rewards and consequences makes perfect sense. You ask "why would someone refusing to do the first chore do then do the punishment chores?" The answer is, to teach the person good habits in the first place. That's it, that's the reason. Learn to do your chores on time every time, and with a good attitude. Everyone must contribute to making the home a happy place. No one gets a free pass. If it was your responsibility, how would you teach these values to a resilient child?

Like I already replied earlier in the tread it make no logical sense to have such punishment by themselves for only thing that make it work is the fear of punishment which in this case require the person to be willing to be applied.

Go find someone to to break rock and tell him he will have more rock to break if he doesn't break those without any other form of coercion. No adult subject in full control of their will and mental capability will ever do so. Remember this case subject is a 18 years old girl not a kid, a parent is no longer an on pedestal figure of authority at that age. Thus why it make no sense in this situation.

Fear without anything else to back it up make a very weak position.



For this part I already gave my answer, but I will recapitulate since you didn't seem to read the whole tread. Ask that they help along your own chores, like the OP posted she do her chores when under supervision, so I would consider doing more cooperative chores to be more efficient in this case. That way you can also show them more efficient way to do chores (maybe yourself learn a trick you didn't think off during your years of experience) at same time and also some skill to be able to live on their own like cooking.

This is an apples to oranges comparison, breaking rocks for no reason is not the same as taking responsibility for the place in which you live. Everyone has a responsibility to take care of their home, including doing chores in a timely manner with a good attitude. And 18 year olds especially need to learn this because they're almost fully grown. Parents concerned with raising children to be independent adults must teach their children this lesson, sometimes over and over again, no matter what age, by whatever means available that they are comfortable with.

To the OP, I have found that having a routine helps greatly along with repeated conversations in which it is clearly explained why chores are necessary and everyone has a duty to pitch in. Rewards also work nicely, like "get your chores done by noon and we'll go to a matinee." Also, listening to music while working can help some people get motivated. Best of luck!

I like what you said. I know that most people need to work and working isn't always fun, but Emily has a hard time with that. I imagine her being told to mop and telling the boss, why? Its not dirty. Or, having such low motivation that she stands around doing not, including not being able to make teen conversation and fit in. I do have her volunteering, and I totally agree that its a great way to build skills and help her figure out what she does like and is good at. Its hard though. The people she volunteers with need to be pretty understanding and tolerant and flexible.
Emily is not at all fast. And yes there is social interaction as a cashier, so, unless they're buying comic books or broccoli, I can see her not talking to them.

I will keep trying. Even though she is 18. She is still under my roof. So..I do have a routine. The matinee is a great idea, but I can't afford it. Can't afford allowance either. So, the reward is the use of computer and wii. I did just realize that another reward would be going to Barnes and Noble. So will try that. The thing that bugs me is she has had chores ever since she was 3. Some chores have been the same for years. Yet, I still have to tell her when and what to do. How do I get her to do things on her own? LIke, if she doesn't get the chores done, she gets no computer. She still, however, has to do the chores! I wonder too if this is a control issue?

epril.. i'll share with you my experience of this both as a Aspie myself and also of having an Aspie child.

My daughter is 19yrs old now.. and unfortunately has got pregnant and now has a baby of her own. Unfortunately she still cant keep things clean. She dont live with me as i cant handle living with her due to her very bad hygiene (she's also very moody, hates me as she blames me for her horrid childhood and disability and suffers from depression too).

i allowed her to live in my house for 6 mths while i was away (while she was pregnant), only to when she moved back out, found the house in a atrocious mess. There was actually s**t over the floor of 3 rooms, up walls etc etc, the floor couldnt even be seen due to rubbish. She really has no idea how to keep a place clean. (she doesnt speak to me so I worry about what her current place must be like, now with a crawling baby).

When she was a child i couldnt get her to do anything, no matter how hard i tried. She'd either NOT KNOW WHERE TO START, or WHAT TO DO if told to clean or room (i had to stand over her the whole time and tell her what to do next), or she'd within minutes GET COMPLETELY DISTRACTED and start playing with something, completely forgetting what she was meant to be doing. She just is unable to keep her mind on task. Unfortunately i had no idea back then what her (or mine) issues were, thou i knew she had learning difficulties (she had to have one on one help right throu her schooling) what her issue was, doctors told me she was malicious (she was only 4 when i got told that).

i enlisted the help of psychologists to try to get her to behave (as i thought she was just being naughty), we tried rewards but nothing worked, it was like she knew she wouldnt end up getting the reward so didnt try .. we tried charting good behaviour (didnt work either, she'd sit there on her bed looking at mess with a blank look on her face), in the end the child psychologists gave up and said there was nothing i could do to get her to clean her room.

i then tried punishment of all kinds including telling her she'd get more chores if she didnt do what she was told.. nothing still got done. In extreme desperation i even put her in her room without food and water and told her she could get have something as soon as it was clean, she ended up going without water for 24 hrs (i had to give in..to my shock that didnt work), i gave her no food for 3 days as i'd said she could have something as soon as room was clean but she didnt clean it (so i had to give in again..she would of died before she cleaned that room.. i couldnt understand why she just didnt clean her room so she could have something).

All this.. helped lead my daughter to hate me!! so we now dont have a relationship. What i didnt know at the time was she had Asperger's (maybe Autism in her case, i cant get her to see someone for a diagnoses but it's clean she's worst than me) and i believe now she truely just couldnt organise.. couldnt organise in her head the steps to clean up a room. i feel so so guilty all i put her throu to try to get her to "be normal" and just "clean up your room". (she had trouble doing simple things at school.. eg just getting to class to class.. she would distract and end up somewhere else in the school doing her own thing).

One thing the Autism society has asked me is "Do you need home help?". This is due to many with Asperger's do, as they just cant function like normal people do and may need a house cleaner. (i myself find it difficult thou i do manage most of the time).

It may be a similar case with your child... she may not be being purposely difficult.

It does upset me to see that many parents are not realising just how hard it may be for an Autistic/Asperger's child to act normal and do what to most is a very simple thing.. and clean a room.

The failure of it.. trying to make oneself do that room and failing.. i guess only also leads to lower and lower self exteme. i know just how bad i feel when i've failed to keep my house clean. (i was bawling the other day over that one.. and the more in life im stressed about, to harder it is to keep the house clean as it's like my Aspie self just wants to retreat from the "norm" life).

I hear you, and I struggle with this with my teenager also. Same thing, even after years of routine and explanation I still find I have to micro-manage completing some basic life skills. This has required an incredible amount of patience and understanding on my part, and in the long run it is me that has had to change. I don't know the answer to your question, but as a parent I feel it is my duty to keep trying. Good luck!

Not sure to whom this comment is directed, but I think most parents do understand quite well their children's strengths and challenges, and I don't think learning life skills is a matter of "acting normal." Keeping a clean home is basic hygiene and disease prevention, and is intellectually a good idea no matter how one goes about it or how long it takes.

My comment wasnt directed at anyone in particular.

i myself are not sure that most parents do understand their Aspie children.. im Aspie myself and i myself didnt understand my own Aspie child, one would think i would of done as i found things difficult myself. i thought like you are doing right now.. that "Keeping a clean home is basic hygiene and disease prevention, and is intellectually a good idea no matter how one goes about it or how long it takes". That is what i thought and were i was coming from... but obviously my child just couldnt do it and still cant (it took me 17 yrs trying to get her to to realise that) and as i said, ive now lost her as she hates me for it and all the time i put into trying to get her to do and all the stress that caused me.. well it was all a waste. she didnt learn anything from it at all and all it did was stressed her, she still cant organise.

I would also like to say that growing up.. i was always in trouble but as an Aspie i really had no understanding of why. (my own neurotypical parents would of thought i understood, they werent aware i didnt).

. i had no understanding of why i was in so much trouble that i'd get belted every day.. i remember the first day in which i wasnt belted and my relief at that i'd actually "been good" and managed to meet my parents expectations that day... i was 10 yrs at the time, the first day i remember not being belted.

What i understand now is that back when a child i didnt have any time sense (due to the Asperger's).. so my memories are of being belted daily (to try to make me be like a neurotypical child) when it fact ive found out as an adult (as my time sense is now normal) that it wasnt daily i got hit.

This has left me all traumatised as an adult (i nowdays go into emotional breakdown just when someone yells even if its not at me and lash out at even strangers). All cause my parents tried to make a normal child out of an Aspie one who just didnt think along the lines they did.

i cant now remember why i was always in trouble.. i guess one of the reasons was.. my parents were training me to keep a room clean (i was messy). Do i thank them for doing that?? well i dont know.. all i know is it's left me traumatised and hardly unable to function in life as im at risk of getting into BIG trouble for lashing out at someone cause they raised a voice (or i've thoguht they've raised it and became scared). i even hit my lawn mowing man. It's like ive been left with post traumatic stress disorder.

i would like to add.. thou i can keep a house clean some times now.. i do if daily life is stressing me too much.. loose my ability to keep it clean (as my anxiety builds i NEED to retreat into my special interests or i end up in hospital as ive emotionally broken down).

so when people say esp neurotypical people that they know their children.. i think do they really? Many think they know (of cause some may but many dont.. and those who dont may not know they dont).

violetchild, I REALLY appreciate your willingness and courage to share your experiences and insights on this forum. Its because of this opportunity for me to learn from you, that I know my son as well as I do. I may not know everything that goes on in his head, but I know him better than anyone else on the planet and I work hard to get to know him a little better every day. And as I said, these opportunities to learn from people on the spectrum via WP help me be a better parent. So...thank you sincerely for posting.

i know my son. ive known him since before he was born, ive been his biggest advocate since he was in my womb. i am NT and he is aspie, and i know him like no one else does, not even his aspie dad. they share many aspie traits, but aspie isnt all he is, he also carries a lot of my traits in him. we are very close and i have always had a stronger bond with him than with his brothers.

i think it goes beyond neurological likeness. it has to do with listening and feeling your childs behavior. im sure for many parents of aspies its harder to know their children because of how as usually manifests. i am lucky that mine is a very loving affectionate boy who requires a lot of physical closeness. its allowed that bond to grow, its REQUIRED that bond to grow.

what ive found also is that i think i am better able to parent my aspie son than his aspie dad is. not because of more or less understanding but rather because many of those aspie traits they share conflict. i am able to be more flexible when dealing with meltdowns and necessary changes due to aspie issues. what i mean by that is, while his dad may personally understand the feelings behind why our son is having a meltdown over something at the grocery store, he is often unable to deal with it effectively or appropriately due to his own sensory overload at having a screaming child at his feet in a public place.

back to the original topic, we as parents have a job to teach our kids how to take care of themselves, aspie or not. it may be harder for aspies but we still have to try. because you know what happens to a child who doesnt brush their teeth or get dressed or take a shower or keep the house picked up?

they grow into adults who dont do those things. while an adult may eventually learn to do those things when on their own, its going to interfere with basic life functions until they figure it out. i want my son to be able to fulfill his romantic and platonic desires when he grows up, and it will be a lot easier if hes clean, not smelly, and dressed.

now i must go meet my SO and kids for lunch and to collaborate on establishing a daily schedule, because i am tired of coming home after work to find them, all of them, sleeping until noon and then laying around the house in their underwear all afternoon =)

Perhaps not autism but certainly Asperger's. People with AS can need prompting on every day things like this like people with autism can need prompting on more basic skills. A lot of people with AS have serious difficulties with transitions, and need a very strong motivator to make the transition, and to frustrate issues for parents, many people with AS have very few things they are interested in enough as rewards to go after them.

However I also believe that if the person grows up in a structured environment with parents who are effective in their discipline, the person is less likely to have issues with this.




Quite right. Poor hand dexterity + Arithmetic learning disabilities + too many people = fired in a week.

It annoys me that people think these jobs are easy because they are by far one of the more difficult jobs in the world for me. People really have a difficult time understanding that.

I wonder if she's overwhelmed and it's preventing her from trying. I happen to struggle with that problem and it took me until my late 20's to get a system together that worked for me. Organization is also not my strong suit which further complicates keeping things neat. And I can not stand being in a mess - it depresses me beyond belief. Just getting started sometimes is difficult, especially when things have already gotten out of control.

Have you ever asked her if there was something she could think of that would make keeping her room neat easier? She may not be able to tell you, but suggesting removing things she doesn't need or use regularly could be a start.

It's very important to bear in mind that it's not always easy for us to explain what we need or explain why we're unable to do things. Saying "I don't care" or "I don't want to" is a great deal easier than trying to fumble through a proper explaination.

Anyway, that's just my 2cents.