Perplexed NT daughter requests opinions

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You are missing the whole point about values. My mother was more than willing to consult me about fabric and style, but not about going to the store, for the simple reason that in those days it did cost much less to sew clothes yourself (that actually is no longer true) AND they came out much better made, and the VALUE decision was that it wasn't fiscally prudent to spend money for something you had the time and ability to do for yourself. My parents were very clear in conveying the VALUE behind the choice, and I did understand the value, and have often integrated it in my adult life, albeit not with clothing or a few other pet peeves. Sure, they could have afforded store bought, but then my mother would be a lot less financially secure now that she's in her eighties, and I wouldn't be thinking that maybe my eventual inheritance will finally catch up my own retirement savings ...

What I see in your post is a lot of frustration at not being listened to. If you want to be listened to as a child, you have to have a compelling attack against the VALUE that is behind the parental choices. I know a child isn't likely to be that wise, but now that you're in your twenties, it's time to catch up. You aren't trying to address that yet, the underlying value. You're still arguing for taste and choice. But I doubt your mom saw it as being about those, and I doubt she still does not. Want to cross that bridge? You've got to change your own thinking first.

I readily admit that I almost intentionally spite my parents on a regular basis by, horror of horrors, buying food and drinks IN the movie theater and at amusement parks. Low quality, over priced junk that my parents actually quite sensibly avoided. But, as a child, it felt like I was consistently missing out on a key part of the theater or park experience, and I couldn't wait as an adult to foolishly flaunt all economic and dietary sense and buy the junk. I still get a funny leap of joy out of it, and it does now feel like an important part of the experience to me. But I'm not about to argue that my parents deprived me or should have listened to me or anything like that; their decision to not buy the junk was informed and value based. OK, so it annoyed me and made me feel leashed; but it was far from arbitrary and it certainly didn't harm me. These sorts of reversals between kids and parents are common and part of the growing up process. The sincerely important parts of our parent's values we do, hopefully, absorb. Some of the more tangential parts of the values we'll intentionally reverse as a way of becoming independent.

You need to understand how much of your current feelings on this subject are still wrapped up in the "becoming independent" struggle. Time to enjoy the right to buy your own clothes from the shops you like but acknowledge that maybe there wasn't anything inherently wrong with parents who highly valued patronizing a relative and providing long lasting, quality, timeless and functional clothing (that you happened to despise). Do I wish your mom had listened to you? Of course I do. But do I think it's the end of the world that she didn't? No, and in a decade or so you won't, either.

Well, the clothes part, at least. If she knew about the resultant bullying and blew that off ... it's more complicated. But that still has a value element, in that she may have had trouble believing that kids would bullying over something as silly as fashion.

Every parent messes up in at least one way that their kids will vividly remember and resent for the rest of their lives. The clothing issue is your moms. If it hadn't been that, it would have been something else.

Your parents I think I might actually understand. They can't get into the idea of buying what they perceive as poor quality. And maybe they really disliked the style, as well, but, really, people like to feel they are giving gifts of quality and if they are used to buying at a certain level they may not be able to make the mental adjustment down.

For you, I'd suggest providing them a list of items from better brands and making sure they aren't too far out of your parent's taste. If you've picked out a coat in the price range they tend to spend, in a fabric you know they trust, from a store you know they've shopped, odds are THAT will arrive under the tree.

Did she know that you'd be crushed? I doubt it. She sounds like she's practical through and through, and just doesn't "get" it when it comes to what you really want from her. You are going to have tell her not what you don't want, but what you do. And be realistic ... you're mom isn't CAPABLE of picking out a beautiful watch that you will like because she honestly and truly cannot get inside your mind well enough to understand your taste, and no doubt she is well aware of that. I would not in a million years have asked my dad to buy me something that is of fashion, and my husband has already figured out that buying me clothes is a losing proposition; if I want clothes for Christmas, I ask for a gift card. Encourage her to buy you the types of things that she is good at buying, and for which the taste and value differences won't result in your being crushed. She is who she is, and she isn't going to change; parents are individuals inhibited by their own quirks and limitations, same as anyone else. When you are a child, that can wreak havoc on your life, but once you are grown up, it's time to find a way to live with it.

Lol, I never thought about the connection but maybe it's because of all the AS in my family that we've evolved so firmly into giving out specific and detailed wish lists for birthdays and holidays? I wouldn't dream of shopping without one As far back as I can remember my parents were handing us catalogs and asking us to circle what we wanted ... Not that there never are surprises, but the surprises tend to be for small things, or those rare times you are absolutely sure they'll love it.

It's interesting to read about different people's ideas of value and values. Values are all relative. So, no I am not missing the point about values. Its a zero sum game in the sense that time and money and ideals decisions are all inter-related. For some, the value of money saved by, in this case making rather than buying clothes is a highly prized one for that person. Let's assume the child is made very unhappy by having to wear home made clothes (this may not be the case -in which case the rest does not follow). Now assume three more things (again maybe not true). First, that the child would be pleased to wear other clothes. Second that the parent knew how the child felt. Third that the parent knew the child would be happier with other clothes. If all this is true, the parent has made a decision that the value of saving money by making clothes is more important to uphold than the value of seeking a compromise that would make the child happier. The value of saved money may lie in its potential for growth (as in a retirement savings) or in the feeling the parent gets knowing that the money has been saved. Its all about values and the relationships among them.

And now to address the following:
""You need to understand how much of your current feelings on this subject are still wrapped up in the "becoming independent" struggle. Time to enjoy the right to buy your own clothes from the shops you like but acknowledge that maybe there wasn't anything inherently wrong with parents who highly valued patronizing a relative and providing long lasting, quality, timeless and functional clothing (that you happened to despise). Do I wish your mom had listened to you? Of course I do. But do I think it's the end of the world that she didn't? No, and in a decade or so you won't, either.

Well, the clothes part, at least. If she knew about the resultant bullying and blew that off ... it's more complicated. But that still has a value element, in that she may have had trouble believing that kids would bullying over something as silly as fashion.

Every parent messes up in at least one way that their kids will vividly remember and resent for the rest of their lives. The clothing issue is your moms. If it hadn't been that, it would have been something else.""

My initial impression is that your post is incredibly presumptuous. You are telling me what I need to understand. Really? What background do you have that puts you in the position of telling me what I need to do? I solicited opinions but you are now telling me what I need to do. :-O I bet you were only kidding. But seriously now, you have no idea about my age or any struggles. Your presumpton extends beyond me though doesn't it. Actually, it is not true all parents have offspring who resent them or that all parents breed resentment in at least one offspring, as appears to be your mantra. In fact most people don't have strong resentments towards their parents and in the rare instances when resentments do exist there is no support for the idea that it is a developmental stage. That is all psychobabble by people who have not read the relevant empirical literature about development and are basing what they say on impressions and their recollections of dated Eriksonian crap . I am not in my 20s and I have very positive relationships with my own offspring, my inlaws and their relatives and my other relatives most of whom have positive relationships with their offspring and parents and most of whom dislike my mother-who is viewed as withholding, stingy and odd. I don't think that is really true of her but that is how she appears to others. Your ideas about every parent messing up in a way that fosters life long resentments sounds very typical of women, now in their 70s, who raised kids in the 50s-when they busied themselves, ignored their kids and view their offsprings' negative relationships with them as natural and due to some deficit in the offspring-instead of considering how their relationship with their offspring reflect the way that they interact with their offspring today and recently. I have heard older parents attribute poor relationships with their kids on their kids' being stuck on things that happened in childhood--but almost always the conflicts are about things that happened that day or that week. The old parent has not changed and continues those behaviors! I am sure that does not describe you but that is a prevailing notion among a small segment of those women. Those same women view the healthy strong relationships many parents and children enjoy in a negative light.

Most people don't harbor resentment towards their parents not because the parents didn't make any mistakes, but because they learned to put the mistakes that were made into perspective. In the end, that is what I am really suggesting you do: move beyond her quirks in this area so it will no longer hurt you.

I don't think I parent in the least bit like your mother did, and I try very hard to listen to my kids desires and wishes and silly stuff and all; that is something our "generation" of parents, the one we are in, tend to value, unlike most previous ones. But what purpose would there serve to prodding as you are old hurts about something that really isn't that important, in my world view, if there wasn't something more going on? I'm trying to get at whatever that "more" may be, clumsy effort or not. And I apologize for the strong presumption but if you are older than I was assuming (I had thought you had written about being in your twenties) then it's all the more important to move on and past.

You joined this community, it appears, to post specifically on this topic. Why? To understand your mom and move past the hurt on this issue, or to convince any AS parents who may be like her to change their ways? I'm curious about that. Either way, what I saw, right or wrong, was something that has affected your life in a strong and negative way, and I can't change your mother or what happened, but maybe I can affect how you deal with it. So ... I know I've been presumptions, and I may very well be wrong. But I've also assumed you could handle the challenge.

I have learned in my old crone days...that people do the best they can do at any given point in time. In other words, receive the gift - say thank you (for the thought) and move on. And, if she mentions 'oh..you don't like it cuz it's from x company'...just say..'what's really important to me is your thinking of me! so thank you again'

When you donate clothing to a place like Goodwill, they will give you a receipt for your income taxes.

Elise

Quality on my clothing could have been a problem for my parents a few years ago, right now I have found the style I want with quality(along with a price rise so I usually try to find something similar that isn´t that pricey). Your probably right on the quality of the gift being some sort of a requeriment however from what I understand theres another requeriment wich is the gift has to be liked by the other person. ie: whats the point of bying the latest soccer ball to someone(around 150 euros) if said person dislikes soccer. The ball has passed through several quality tests(even the nasa made some experiments with world up ball ) however if the other person is not gonna use it that money is going to be wasted and I think no one wants to waste their money.

I have tried approching my parents taste several times and right now they like most of the clothes I wear. As a matter of fact everytime my mum sees a shop which sales the kind of clothing I wear she is more than willing to go there with me.

This year I am probably just let them gonna bring on whatever they want. There isn´t that much difference and I´m pretty sure they preffer it ths way.

The clothing style and the fabric of the coat where ok, I live in a place where most parents expect their children to dress like them and about 60% of their siblings my age wear that kind of clothing sometimes even the same clothes since there are only two stores in our town that sale them. The thing about the price range is that I am unable to determine how much are they planning to spend on a certain gift and asking them how much are they going to spend woukd be rude.

My mom was not an aspie, but I think her dad was and she learned a lot about practicality from him. In addition my mom had a shopping issue - she was compelled to shop. She tried very hard to buy for people and often got it hugely wrong. Embarassingly wrong. She perservered and always ignored what was asked for but instead needed to give something that she chose. Always wrong.

I could have written your post 20 years ago. It crushed me how no matter what I told her how she just didn't get ME.

She died 10 years ago, and what I would give today to receive a stupid, QVC gift that I will never use. That was one of her annoying quirks that was inherantly HER.

I agree that everyone has something that drives (drove) them nuts about their parents. Today I realize her not "getting" me when it comes to gift giving was not important. The fact that she kept trying in her own way is what I remember now. I'm sure my kids will have something that I do that drives them nuts. I don't think that's from prior generations, just humans coexisting.

I miss my mom's stupid gifts. Now they are a warm memory. I wish that I could have appreciated them for what they were then.