My son was just diagnosed with Asperger's. HELP!

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Hmmmm I am just wondering if the age of 4 is too early to make any diagnosis. I think all children can exhibit traits of AS and ADHD. But at some point most will learn to control them, or outgrow them.

I would wait a few years before taking what a doctor says seriously.

Thank you for your help and input. A lot of what you said really helped to calm me down. I understand that it's not a curse or an impairment to have mental illness. I, myself, have 3 separate disorders (Bi-Polar Disorder, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder) for which I have to take medication to help me in my struggle. My panic is not that he might have a mental illness, it's that I have no way of helping him from my position until he comes home. The denial is because I just don't see anything abnormal about him. He seems perfect to me. Maybe I'm a little biased. The only strange behavior that I have observed is that he seems to be obsessed with his penis. From talking with other parents and professionals, it's normal.
He has close relationships with friends, is not guarded whatsoever when he meets new people. His attention span could use some work, but it's not to the point that I would even consider letting him take meds for it. I've been taking meds for only the past 4 years as an adult and they're destroying my body, so I can't even imagine how they could effect a young child's body and mind.
For the most part, he is friendly, obedient, and most people enjoy his company. (please don't take offense where it's not intended. I'm saying positive things about him, not negative about any other people that may be diagnosed with any form of autism)
Thanks to everyone that responded. Your words really helped me to put things in perspective.

I've actually been around lower-functioning people, and I can completely understand why a parent would want a cure. Not everyone is as high-functioning as the people there, and autism doesn't make you any more intelligent or more gifted than the average person. Before jumping on this woman, try to put yourself in her place.

And for the record, I'm participating in a treatment that's supposed to help with my social skills. I really hope it does work because I don't want to be a socially inept shut-in who can barely look people in the eye. I don't hate having Asperger's, but I want to be able to form relationships and do something other than sit around all day on the intarwebs.

I understand your reaction.

As for the diagnosis of your son, I do agree with the others that we can't tell from what you've said since HFA/Asperger is a mild form of autism that does not include mental retardation (low IQ) at all. In fact, an average or above-average IQ is required to be diagnosed with Asperger.

Many people are being misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all by doctors, we are all individuals and it's quite hard to really tell which disorder someone can have, many disorders share similarities (I have dispraxia, I have not been diagnosed with Aspeger but recognize myself in the characteristics, scored pretty high on the Aspie Quizz and had a 34/50 on the AQ test, it would have been higher if the questions about numbers has been replaced by questions about words - both of these disorders share similarities with Non Verbal Learning Disorder for example, so it would be easy to confuse them).
I think you should look for another diagnosis since you are confused about that and want to know the real condition of your son in order to help him.

I do understand your point. You love your son, you want to help him so he'll have a great life. That's a normal feeling for a mother I think, though we cannot know for sure what is a great life for someone.
I'm not telling you that you shouldn't treat him for any of his disorders because my parents never told me that doctors suspected dyspraxia and ADD when I was a kid and I feel somehow betrayed. I even wish I didn't have dyspraxia because no one ever takes that into account and my own family thinks I'm clumsy on purpose. Yet, it's part of me, just as my lack of social skills.
I made some great friends, I've just spent the day with one of them who is the most intelligent person I ever met (and I enjoy spending time with intelligent people and talking about intellectual things) and I just know I would never have find them if I was totally normal.

My difference is a burden, it has been a threat yet it's a chance and a strength.

No one is truly normal, everyone suffers. I've never meet anyone who didn't suffer even when they seemed totally normal to me. The pain may be caused by a different thing, but it exists, especially among teenagers and young adult (or adult who are desillusioned by life).
Nobody chose to live, life is a burden too.

Yet we live.

And we try to do something that matters for us.

And we can be happy without fitting in the society, without fitting in the norms, by simply doing what we love.


What I'm saying is not that you shouldn't treat your son, I already told that life would be better if we could improve because improving on our own is very difficult, even for any "NT" (since you don't always have the best personality in the world or may have some problems too), but he also should be able to grow up to be himself. Never let him feel that you are disappointed with his difference, never make him understand that he is nowhere near your expectations if he fails to be or if he ends up like some of us. No matter what your decision is, you'll have done what you thought was best for him so as long as he doesn't end up killing peoples or being a dictator, accept him the way he is.

Please understand this is not an attack. This is an honest questions. How would we behave if we were medicated? There is no medication for AS, although as previously mentioned, people with AS may take medications for depression, anxiety, and other disorders. We still have AS even if we are on these medications, though, so I'm uncertain why you think we'd be different if medicated.

Moderator Note: much of the rest of this post refers to discussion that has been deleted due to the strongly expressed feelings of the posters, much of which was later retracted by those posters. While it didn't seem appropriate to keep the posts created in upset, the discussion of the upset and why it exists can be useful for this forum.

You are right that some of us are sensitive, but we have reasons. Many of us have had others judge us negatively because of our differences. Some of us have been ostrasized, ignored, mocked, misunderstood, and even assaulted because of our differences. I'd guess that kind of treatment could put just about anyone, NT or otherwise, on a hair-trigger. Initially, you said nothing outright insulting, but you did seem to imply that Adyn's intelligence meant he could not have AS. Lots of people with AS are defined as stupid or unwilling to work, even though AS does not have a negative effect on intelligence. You also sounded as though you thought AS was a terrible thing, and lots of us here don't feel that way and get irritated when someone implies it is.

It's possible to live an entirely normal life with AS. I do. This is going to sound like bragging on myself; I'm sorry. I just want to give an example of what a person with AS can do! I tested as high-functioning. I don't live with my parents or other caretaker, and have lived alone (and liked it) in the past. It is possible to have successful romantic relationships; I'm happily married to an NT. I have a lot of friends who all know I have AS and accept my quirks; it's possible to have a vibrant social life. I did well in most areas of school (my dyscalcualia hindered me in math) and graduated third in my class. I attended (and graduated from) a "women's Ivy." In grad school I maintained a 3.72 average. I intend to continue my education starting this fall. I've held long-term jobs, generally only giving them up when I moved. I have a driver's license. When I was determined to do something, AS did not prevent me from going out and working on my goal. AS probably made some of these things harder, and still throws challenges my way every day. However, I've learned to cope and I am learning to compensate (I was diagnosed about 18 months ago; I'm 33). Maybe Adyn has Asperger's Syndrome and maybe he doesn't, but either way, it's not the end of the world. (Sorry if any of this came off harsh; it's not intended to. It's hard to indicate tone on the internet, and I'm not really good with tone anyway.)

Autism is neurological, and the impact of that harms the developmental. Some of us have lived with this for a long time, and will live with it for the rest of our lives. It is not outgrown, it is dealt with--because it has to do with neural processing. Medications for autism itself have not been proven effective because it is wired into the brain and brain function. Medications can prove effective for other co-morbidities ( what a term), but none will "cure" the autism, the neurological difference. I think this is what some have been trying to tell you, but perhaps they are as sensitive about being told they need to be "cured" of the way their brain is wired (when there is none) as you might be sensitive to your son's plight. I'm sorry we seem to be missing each other here, and hope (for your son's sake) you can hear the gist of what is being said despite all the prickles. It's sensitive to us as well. Yes, some were rude to you, others blunt and (perhaps in your way of thinking) clumsy--that isn't okay. What I'd also like to say is that your approach to this problem--particularly if your son is facing assessment--is also a bit blunt and (perhaps in their way of thinking) ignorant.

There are wonderful resources out there for people just starting to learn about Autism, many are available online (check the parenting threads for suggestions). I'm sure many of them are at your school's library--and there is a wealth of information online for free. You may find as you read that you can fully refute the assessment or that some things start to make a great deal of sense. Either way, if he's been diagnosed ADHD (I think I remember that), it is recommended that re-assessment be done regularly when such a diagnosis (or one of Asperger's) is the result--this is to make sure that the child is getting help that is gaining them progress and to move them forward. An assessment in and of itself is not a bad thing, but I think you have some research to do before that happens. I think, for your son, you need to learn a bit more about what it means and looks like to be on the Spectrum.

You've gotten a taste here. The frustration and anger you faced is a product of wiring and of an unaccepting population. Should your child be diagnosed, you will face that as well. People will be full of advice about how his outbursts are a result of your bad parenting, when in fact, they are most likely a result of an overloaded nervous system and a sign that he is in deep physical pain. Is it right to punish a person who writhes from pain? To chatise them? Spank them? Tell them to stop crying? Trust me...most of the people who just lashed out at you have experienced that. When you talk of medications and cures, that hits a similar note for them, I think. The first step to understanding is acknowledging that autism is really about the wiring, and the wiring problem impacts the developmental issues, but it's the wiring that is the cause.

Ok, here is a parent's point of view. First of all, if a doctor gives a diagnosis of Aspergers at 4 yrs old, they must have observed many of the characteristics in order to come to that conclusion. From my experience, most doctors don't just freely give out that diagnosis without a good reason. I don't think that 4 is too young for it to be diagnosed. My son was diagnosed at 2.5 yrs old with PDD-NOS/possible Aspergers. The main reason we got concerned was because he was so delayed in reaching all of his physical milestones. We started seeking opinions, and other things started being pointed out to us that led us down the road to autism. Autism can be a very complex condition, and every case of it is different. I didn't think it was possible that my son had autism because he was smiling, laughing, cuddly, he babbled on time and had words on time. My son is VERY SOCIAL with ADULTS. So if a group of adults is around my son, he almost seems "normal". It is when you see him in the context of his peers, that you realize that he has no clue of how to interact with other children in an appropriate way. We also realized that although he had words, he was not using them to have a BACK and FORTH CONVERSATION with us. I don't consider my son a "little professor", but he has been able to learn his letters and numbers, colors, shapes, he can write his name and recognizes the sounds of letters. He has been in therapy for a few years, and he is learning so much and I am grateful that we did get an early diagnosis. If he had not been such a late walker (almost 2) we probably would not have thought anything was going on.

As far as the ADHD, it is very common for people with Aspergers to have this as well. My son was evaluated at his school for it, and they felt that his behaviors are indicative of ADHD. At this point, I too feel that he is too young for medication. I am just waiting it out to see if some of his ADHD behaviors will lessen over time. If not, then we will see. But, as the others stated, even if he goes on meds, I don't expect that his autism will go away.

Becky, the posters here got upset because you kept calling Aspergers a mental illness. I think if you start to educate yourself on this, you too will realize that it is not. I think if you are in denial about your son, then you should seek a second opinion. Or you could give it more time and then have him re-evaluated. But, if he does have it, then the earlier he can start to get help in learning how to cope with his issues.

My heart goes out to you, as a parent. It sounds as though you love your son just the way he is which is a very good thing. If he does turn out to have AS, then it will just be an adjustment on how he is raised.

Good luck to you!

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To the original poster, if you are still here. I don't see evidence of autism or Asperger's in what you wrote, but I also don't see evidence against it, except "close relationships with friends", assuming those are same age friends.

So... she doesn't want her son to turn out like us? I don't get this. I think I've turned out just fine, thank you very much.

Let's see. I'm in college, a 3.8 GPA, engineering program, late but better than never at the age of 27. I'm just finishing a summer internship researching gene therapy. I'm active in the disability rights movement. I volunteer regularly, and actually make a difference doing things like helping run the food pantry or maintain the cat shelter. I'm socially clumsy, an introvert, and often way too blunt; but I've learned to either apologize if I don't catch it, or use mental lists of taboos to stay away from the bad stuff. I'm disabled, sure, but I have a decent life. There are things I can't do, things that are more difficult for me, and things I simply prefer not to do. I've learned how to get help for the things I can't do, or to work around them. I can communicate well enough to form relationships.

This isn't a bad life. It's NOT A NORMAL LIFE, sure, but I don't want to live a NORMAL LIFE. I want to live my life.

I've seen way too many autistics neurotically trying to be as normal as possible, in the delusion that this will make them happier, to think that trying to be normal is a good idea. It's not.

I dunno who said it first, but "This is not a defective dog. It is a cat. It is happy as a cat. Don't try to turn it into a dog, or it will scratch you, and you will deserve it."

Also ignoring the fact that medication often isn't helpful. Usually isn't helpful, actually, in the case of Asperger's.

I take Concerta for ADHD, and find it useful; but I've been on heavy-duty meds, and they only stopped me from learning or thinking or reacting. I basically became a zombie, unable to interact smoothly at all. Sure, you couldn't have told I had autism; but that's only because I didn't have the energy to rock anymore, and I wasn't happy enough to flap my hands or thinking clearly enough to pull up the pedantic speech that so characterizes my style of autism.

Autism isn't something that responds to medication. To use a more obvious analogy, it's like telling an amputee that he needs medication to make his arm grow back. But no amount of medication will do that, just like no amount of medication will change the neural connections of an autistic brain into a neurotypical one.

However, the amputee can easily benefit from a prosthesis and training in how to use it, as well as useful gadgets like single-handed keyboards and stretchy shoelaces that you don't have to tie. Similarly, an autistic person can benefit from technology, education, and a good environment. That's how you approach autism--not with, "Let's find the right meds," but, "Let's find a good way to teach this child so that he can become a happy, healthy autistic adult."

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Your words are not insulting, but they are misinformed. Autism can not be treated, though many believe that it is possible to 'treat' the symptoms using a range of different drugs, including SSRI's. From personal experience, 'treatment' does nothing but harm in the long-run. I hear and read similar viewpoints from adults with AS frequently. Such 'treatment' appears to contravene the Hippocratic Oath.



'Normal' is a subjective term, but I think you need to define what forms of treatment you refer to here. If you mean developing a system of coping with the effects of AS, then yes, I agree with you. If you mean you should be looking to medicate your son to make him 'normal' then I suggest you accept that - assuming the diagnosis is correct - your son will never be 'normal'. This does not mean that he will not be happy or successful.

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... it is easy enough to see from your post that you are upset, even for us messed up, frustrated, angry Aspies. I recognise that you have an issue in your life that is causing you upset, and I am sure that you will find support and understanding on these boards. I am equally sure that you will encounter ignorance and trolling. This is, after all, the internet. Try not to let anyone upset you on here. None of us can truly understand your unique situation, and most of us probably would not even try to. Our own lives can be confusing enough.

I'm sorry I didn't see this thread sooner, and maybe move it into parenting, where the evolution might have happened a little slower and more calmly. I think I'll move it now, even if it is too little too late.

Wait, if autism can't be treated, then why do autistic kids learn to talk, why do they learn social skills? Why did I even get better?

If it couldn't be treated, I still would have no theory of mine, acting more selfish, not thinking of other people and understanding why they are getting upset with me, I wouldn't have learned to deal with change, I wouldn't have had my sensory issues fixed nor my dyspraxia. I would still be the same girl as I was from when I was three years old if autism couldn't be treated. That is implying we can't get better and can't learn skills and can't learn to cope.

Even all that animal equipment designed by Temple Grandin and her being a college professor and doing speeches wouldn't have existed because she be mute and never had learned to talk nor learn other skills her mom had taught her.

And as for the OP saying she doesn't want her kid to be like us, I think she was referring to your attitudes and how you treated her because you were upset with her choice of words. But one of them apologized.

EDIT: This post was made in response to the other posts that were removed.

Last edited by League_Girl on 17 Aug 2010, 5:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It depends on how one chooses to use the term, "treatment." You can't change the underlying autism, and I think that is why members hate the term so much. What you can do is help someone overcome certain impairments, learn to function better, and so on. Obviously, a parent is charged with doing all those things. The problem with the term "treatment" is that it conjures images of chelation and other dubious interventions, and not images of a pragmatic speech session.

I wish the OP had posted here, instead of in GA. I think members are better prepared to respond when they choose specifically to come to this forum, than when they run into a post that uses all the wrong terms in GA. There is a lot of negative gut reaction to certain terms and concepts in this community, and new parents coming here have no way to know that. Come through this board first, and there is a better chance everyone will steal their words until the parent has had a chance to learn how our members approach things. There are posters in this thread who have never post with parents before; I think that inexperience shows.

In the end, parents and kids - and our adult members - do want the same things. Most of the problem is in terminology. It is really helpful if everyone can take a deep breath and remember that.

I am curious as to what testing your son had to bring the docs to this diagnosis?

From what I've read, Autism can be treated but cannot be cured. You can improve but you will never be NT, even if you force yourself to act like any NT (which would be frustrating). I don't think she meant that she wanted her son Autism to be cured though it sounds like she wants him to look like a NT, she's probably aware that she can only try to improve his behaviour and will not change his brain.

By the way, I believe more in psychology than in medication. I think doctors tend to give drugs too easily to help people while they should try to help them improve their behaviour or understand the causes of their disorders/depressions/etc BEFORE trying to give them medication.