bjtao wrote:
Logically I am relieved and happy that my son is on the spectrum, that his meds are working, that he can get proper treatment to make him happy. I am having trouble with a lot, but it is not because I think it is so terrible to be on the spectrum.
It is mostly that I never considered it. I missed it. He could have been in treatment 9 years ago. I yelled at him for things he had no control over. I thought he was being stubborn and a pain in the butt when he really couldn't do stuff. I forced him to do things. I had the traditional hard nosed parenting for the past 10 years. I obviously eventually figured out it wasn't working and that there was actually something different. I failed him.
That is where the anger and sadness is coming from. I F'd up. I missed it. My child has been going through this and I have probably been making it worse. I am so angry about that.
It is not that he will never do this or that. I never had any expectations of what he would do or be. I am the type that said if my son is truly happy pumping gas and doesn't want more, then I would be happy with that. If my child is a good person, that is enough for me. I have always felt that way.
But that's just it - I want him to be happy. He has NOT been happy and it is my fault. Because I didn't seek treatment sooner. Because I listened to the stupid advice of my friends, parents and doctors about parenting and discipline rather than to my gut.
We don't parent in vacuums and we aren't God's.
There isn't much in the way of treatment that could have been done. We've all done "therapies," but there is no proof that any of our kids are better off for much of it.
As for the parenting choices ... you have no way to know if he would have been happy had you made different ones. Many parents here have beat themselves over their past decisions, but it doesn't really do you any good. You are not the only one who has felt the way you do; I have seen that before. I guess it is harder to deal with than what I went through; you had to cover a rougher road before getting where you are today. BUT you are now on the road, and I presume you feel it makes sense, or you wouldn't be on this board. So many conditions can co-exist in people, that diagnosis is never a perfect science. Just be grateful you got there now, and not even later.
Still, you've got to go through a mourning period of sorts, even if it is mourning loss of the belief in your own parenting choices. Let yourself do that; let yourself go through the process. It is normal and necessary, no matter what the specific causes are.
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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
16 Aug 2010, 8:39 pm
