CONCERNED!!

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RightGalaxy - I think what you wrote is pretty much what many of us have in our brains as our INITIAL visceral reaction to our kids growing into sexual beings. BUT, for the emotional and physical well-being of your son, you have GOT TO GET OVER THIS. You sound like a fanatic - but I don't think you are. I just think you are allowing yourself to be overwhelmed and are overreacting as a result.

Seriously. I get why you feel this way, but I also get that this is YOUR problem, NOT your son's. He is behaving in a PERFECTLY NORMAL WAY.

Please, please, PLEASE let him save his money and go on the date. There is NOTHING in what you describe that would indicate you should not be allowing it. Chapperone it yes, but interfere with it - no. Stand back, and enjoy the knowledge that your son is happy, social, and learning some of life's most important (and sometimes painful) lessons.

He sounds like a wonderful boy - let him be.

I can fully understand your concern and disgust whether it is normal or not. I mean, who really wants to think about any guy masturbating to a letter, then for it to be your own son, just feet away from you in another room? Normal maybe, but you have every right to be creeped out by it.

I do not look forward to going through this and I think I will feel the same way as you do. A lot of things are normal, that doesn't make them pleasant or desireable.

I think your only concern should be monitoring their extracurricular activities, which you plan to do anyway. Other than that, have a male talk to him about everything, including being discreet (not ashamed, just discreet) and tell him what is socially acceptable and what is not (walking around the house w/ an obvious hard on).

They might also talk to him about "no means no" from a girl. I think you as his mother know him best, and you know if you should be concerned about him misinterpreting this girl and being too aggressive. All bases should be covered just in case.

I'm going to answer from your original post without reading the rest but I want to share my "clean" opinion, first. If I have to amend, I'll do it.

I'm not concerned about the masturbation or sexual arousal elements. My son discovered his body part when he was an infant; I have no idea what he does and how often for the simple fact that he learned long, long ago that it is PRIVATE (albeit the sort of thing he should free to ask his father questions about, should he ever have any). That is the important message: some things are private. But if it's private, that means you have to respect his privacy on it. In other words, what he does in his own room is his own business. Period. You can't have it both ways on this, in my opinion, without giving your child substantial reasons to loose trust in you. That trust must stay open because there are very rocky roads ahead. If you need to mention you are hearing uncomfortable noises so that he learns to restrict those, or teach in a general way that the Bible frowns on masturbation (just saying, since it's important to some families), fine, but what he does in his room is his business.

However. I think you have real concerns about the dating. He may have trouble with boundaries and, while I am going to assume that his intentions are actually fully innocent, not understanding boundaries gets a male into trouble real fast while dating. As long as your older one didn't have a girlfriend at that age, you can safely lay down a simple rule, "you are not old enough to date, and you will not be allowed to." This is totally within convention for his age, albeit not universal. That is the rule I would go with. You and him may agree to some rules as to exactly what is and isn't a date as part of that, ie that having dinner with a group of 4 or more kids, including this girl, is NOT a date. Again, a rule totally consistent with what many other families are doing with middle school age kids and, so, he can't claim you are picking on him.

I'd keep that rule throughout middle school: no dating / too young.

Meantime, you get to make sure you are having all those lovely conversations with him that make sure he knows all your values on the subject, and what your concerns are about the risks teenage boys face. All that can be done without accusing him of anything, or even implying you have suspicions about his behavior. It's just the conversations kids need to have with their parents.

You don't want him to get wind of the thoughts in your post or he will tune you out. If you tunes you out, you lose the war.

1) Keep communication open. TWO way, not just you to him. It isn't enough to say he can tell you anything; you must show trust and respect or he never will.
2) Respect his privacy in his room and when it comes to his body.
3) Prohibit dating during the middle school years, period. How far to extend that rule into High School can be decided later.

So, that's my advice.

Don't you love pre-teens?

(My son is now 13 but I also have a 9 year old daughter ... she's going to be ... interesting).

Update:

I do find the saving money for a date thing cute and, if you've never made a "no dating" rule before, adding one after you know how hard he's been working to plan one is likely to seem ... unfair. But, I still think it is an age appropriate rule. Breaking it in and breaking the news to him may take a really careful approach. Be gentle, tell him how sweet you think his savings has been, and then let him know that the whole situation has made you question whether ANY child his age should be dating, and this is your conclusion. Then, tell him you'll make it up to him by ... um ... maybe helping him pick out a nice gift for her, that you will pay for? Or helping him arrange dinner and a movie for a group of kids, including her, each paying their own way (and you paying his)? Or encouraging him to invite her over for a nice family event? Basically, anything that won't be a "date."

The norm in our social circle is to not allow any dating during middle school. It makes perfect sense to me, and I wasn't the one who created it. The kids are all fine with it, they really are.