Mom of 21-yr old needs help

Post Reply New Topic

Here's the thing - The NTs need to appreciate the differences the adults with AS bring (and I mean APPRECIATE, because it is SOO important and one of the main reasons I'm here, I mean what good is talking to a bunch of parents just like me? I need an AS perspective!). It would be good if the folks with AS could appreciate those differences too. Like, where else can you actually see how communication can go wrong?

So, buryuntime - can you look at this as a specimin to examine instead of worrying how someone "took" what or how you said something? IMHO, there is no cause to abandon all of us who need adult AS perspective! Just look at it for what it is. Some NT parent didn't realize that, 1 - most anyone here is trying to be helpful, 2 - they may be AS and have a direct communication style, that may be more aburpt than they are accustomed.

BTW - I don't think your response was all that abrubt.

Okay. I think I misunderstood their reaction. I thought I said something really really bad and inappropriate somehow and that is why they were leaving, and it really puzzles me when I think I'm helping but they tell me because of my post they are leaving. I don't think it is very helpful if I end up scaring people off, so it seemed logical that I shouldn't post here anymore. I will try to exercise more caution when responding to newcomers here.

buryuntime, I agree that you shouldn't quit posting. I was just saying that sometimes us NT parents are already sad or upset about something, so we come to WrongPlanet for answers, and then when we get answers like yours (which are highly accurate) we are in a sensitive place and sometimes get upset. It's exactly the same problem ANYONE has when you text a response rather than SAY a response -- a text can come across as curt and harsh, whereas if the same words were spoken they seem much kinder. Add to that the fact that NT parents are struggling to understand something that they don't inherently understand, and things feel more hurtful than they were intended. I personally know that at certain times, I am super-sensitive, and I just can't take an accurate response, no matter how kindly it was intended. That's why I say that, if I really want answers from this forum, I have to STEEL myself so that I am strong enough to receive any type of response.

Maybe we should create a sticky "ATTN: PARENTS, PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING" so that people know better what to expect? I'm a little busy for that right now, but maybe after my work deadline? Or would someone else consider drafting something? We have the best place in the world for parents to get information, and our members usually try very hard to be helpful, but the style is different from what they are used to in the NT world, and maybe it would help if new posters were better prepared up front?

My son tells me good morning and expresses affection. I don't think that is or isn't indicative of ASD. I hear this parent's frustration and am sorry they appear to have left after one post that confused them. I don't think it was the questioning that was upsetting to the OP, I think probably just fed up generally.

ASD doesn't mean you don't have to be in the world.
ASD doesn't mean you can't brush your teeth.
Welcome to adulthood.

I don't wish to offend the OP but parents travel a fine line with ASD between care, compassion, assistance and codependency. There's no way in hell my 21 year old son is going to have me cleaning up after him like some kind of maidservant "because he can't" function due to ASD. I don't allow anyone to treat me like a maidservant, I'm his mum. I explained to him recently (he's almost eight) that my job is not just to take care of him but to teach him how to take care of himself.

(As an aside, is there a special section for parents of ASD kids who also have ASD themselves? I'm new here and haven't noticed it if there is one.)

Your son sounds just like my daughter. She has majored in Japanese and when she is home she lives on the computer in her anime world, sleeps all day and up all night. Her life is online and all over the world. Now I actually join her in some of it so I can understand the attraction.

I have only scanned the other responses because I caught a few lines I did not like and stopped reading. There is research that shows that those with ADHD are 3 years immature for their age. Well ADD is a piece of my daughter or is it her depression that keeps her down? So treat them at the maturity level they are showing and teach them the skills they are lacking. Any way they are still young and they will mature. If he is taking his classes and happy in his classes give him some time to grow up. Instead of nagging, teach and give a reason why they should be doing what you would like so they understand.

In depression part of the issues is that they do not care what they look like. I found with my yonger son I need to leave him little notes instead of nagging him..such as remember to clean the tooth paste out of the sink.

Have a sit down with him and ask what you can do to help him, the problem as he sees it and what steps he hopes to do to help the program. Hopefully he will not be like my daughter and say, "I don't know". Help him understand your feelings without lecturing and write out a road map for him. I think there are many more kids who do this than we realize.
Things are different for this generation then when we were young so it is hard to relate or know how to best help. Have you considered talking to a therapist to see how to best help him? Wishing you all the best.