Shocked, Speechless and Not in a Good Way

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If he's six then I wouldn't worry too much. It was probably some kind of proximity defense. If you can gently explain the rules to him he should be able to figure out other ways to feel safe when people get too close. It's not uncommon for kids on the spectrum to spit or bite if they feel threatened by physical proximity. When I was this age I used to just lash out and slap/thump everyone in sight. You'll be glad to hear I grew out of it... and that was before there was any autism awareness.

My son now has a couple of responses he got from Jeff Dunham, a standup comedian... when people get too close he shouts, "stop touching me!" And when they get too loud he goes, "silence, I kill you!" They back off, generally confused because they weren't in fact touching him, or from their point of view talking too loud. But at least he doesn't hunker up in a ball, or thump himself on the head anymore.

For the comedy routine which gave birth to his escape clauses, try this link. It's tasteless, but it might make you laugh. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go (It's not anti Islam, by the way... Achmed is not Muslim, according to the sketch... the puppet was made in China!)

Well I can make you feel better, when I was in kindergarden...I chased a 5th grader with a willow branch and beat him with it because he would not be my boyfriend. I also spent alot of time on all fours barking and chasing the other students like a dog. Why did I do this? It was easier for me to relate to the mass of students in the role of an animal than a person. Not that I am proud of being such a heathen, but to help you put things in perspective...he's a good kid who just got overwhelmed.

As far as being strict goes....when my parrents were strict on me, I actually acted worse because I thought, "I might as well do what I want, cuz I am going to be punished anyway."
It was not until the autistic therapist told my parents to lighten up that my behavior improved.

Well, all of my friends and family will tell you, I'm about the furthest thing from strict that you can get, well just about. I pick and choose my battles with him, I try to use humor to de-escalate and lighten situations, and to distract my DS. Not that I've always let my DS do whatever he wants to do, but if it's not gonna hurt or kill him, whats the harm?
there are some things that I just won't tolerate, such as hitting, kicking, spitting on other people, cause if another student did that to my kid, I would be very mad.
I wish my DS could use the Jeff Dunham lines, but the silence I kill you, would actually get him a write up, cause that is a threat, should have heard the uproar about him calling the teacher's asst a dummy. She was talking to a sub teacher in the class, and DS had held up his fist to her and said that he wanted his other reward (the mainstream teacher lets him play with cars as a treat), when she told the asst, the asst said, "Thats nothing, he called me a bad name the other day". In front of the class talking about him, where the other students could hear it, one of the students told their parents, and the parent told me abut it. Wow, is dummy really that bad? I can understand if he used profane language.
I'm really getting to the point now, where I just don't know what I even want from the school anymore. I've tried to be nice, I've gave the teacher brand new books to replace alot of the old raggedy books they send home, the teacher won't use them. I don't want to put him in full time EC, but it seems to be the only environment he thrives in.
At the last IEP meeting, it was stated that incomplete work was to be sent to the EC classroom, yet Monday, I was sent an incomplete book, and other work. I just don't understand their problem. DS comes home, and has all his homework finished in just a few minutes, including the incomplete work, so I don't see how he's not doing it at school. I don't even have to stand over him to make him do it anymore. I just read to him what he has to do, and then he reads it then does it.
I"M REALLY STARTING TO HATE THIS SCHOOL THING!! !
On his school paperwork, they had it stated that he was possibly autistic, I had to get the DR. to fax over a copy of his diagnosis to the school, just so they would recognize that he has it. What good it will do for him, I don't know, but his mainstream teacher said that she had never seen anything that proved he has autism, and had the audacity to say that high functioning autism wasn't really autism. What a bunch of ignorant hicks that live around here. I guess I'm just as ignorant, not knowing what I want the school to do. they operate on, fair treatment is equal treatment, if he needs all these extra things, then he should just be moved to the EC class, or have the time increased.
Oh wow, I just got so off topic.
I think the whole spitting thing occurred because he was already told not to touch the kids, so spitting was not touching, and that was wrong too, so I bet he's just as confused and confuzzled as I am right now..

Hang in there, Adora. It sounds like you have a challenging and frustrating school to deal with, and I wish you had more choices where you are located. In that post you've actually indirectly identified quite a few of the things you expect from the school, so the step now really is to condense those thoughts into an action list, and try again with the assistant principal (if that is the one you feel relatively comfortable trying to work with). Perhaps also spend some time just observing your son's day, preferably without his knowledge, to get some better clues on what is really happening.

Feel free to vent, and hang in there. You can do this.

I'm sorry to pick just one thing out to respond to, but this one really "rang true" for me.

At 43 years old and in graduate school, I *still* cannot read in public or do any kind of research or schoolwork in public. I have to be at home in my "safe zone" before I can relax my constant hypervigilance enough to focus on the reading or other schoolwork. Maybe your son is the same way?

If leaving the house and going to school feels akin to going behind enemy lines and moving around in enemy territory, it's hard to do something that requires one to take a lot of focus away from the troubling surrounds and onto a book or other work. For perspective, next time you are aware that your body is secreting adrenaline for some reason, imagine that you were now supposed to work on your spelling studies while feeling that way.

My brother spit on someone when he was little and he got his mouth washed out with soap....I guess the moment has kind of passed with your son though, because I think the shock factor of being grabbed by the arm by a seething mad mother and dragged into the kitchen and forced over the sink while she screamed "DON'T YOU EVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!" contributed largely to it's success as a disciplinary method.

Maybe just tell him if he does it again he'll get his mouth washed out with soap.

Hi Adora,
just wanted to say how much I relate to your current school situation. They sound extremely ignorant of your son's needs. As I thought, the spitting seems to have been a proximity defense. Wow, I can't believe you're son would get a write up for using words! Ridiculous. He's six... and it sounds to me like the teachers really ARE dummies.

I don't know what an EC is, but if your son is happier there then perhaps it's a temporary solution. Remember these things are not forever, and that your son will grow up. My son went through a phase of learning in a small group, for a term, and was much, much happier. He was also home educated for a year. Now he's reintegrated back into full time school, and is doing okay... though he still has his proximity defenses, and his teachers know that there are situations in a lesson when he shuts down and can't learn. This is a very good school, they try to manage those situations.

I know exactly what you're going through at the moment, my son went through it all. Please don't give up... you are doing a great job, and your son needs someone who knows, loves and understands him to fight his corner. You're doing that.

Good for you.

My son statrted middle school this year and began getting in trouble for throwing things at people. He was also talking about killing himself. Finally we found out that the other kids at school were bullying him. I felt realy bad for punishing him for his behavior. He did not know how to response to being truamatize by other kids. So he threw things. He did not want to tell us at first because he did not want to be a tattletail. We have taken him out of his school and placed him in a school were he is around people like him. We are curently tring to find a therapist. He loves going to school now. So hopfuly were on the right track.