Asperger people diagnosed in their forties

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they will probably react negatively."

They also impressed on me early on that positive reactions are fleeting, while negative reactions are lasting. (The actual lesson was: "If you break it now and need it later, you will have to fix it. Better not to break it in the first place, just in case.)

Third, and most important, they got that social interactions were exhausting and they went out of their way to create me-time before or after the event. So, for example, birthday parties generally started without me. The guests would come, the kids would play, and I would stay upstairs "getting ready" (reading a book). Then, there was a grand entrance, opening of gifts, cake, after which they would take the spotlight away, do something with the guests, then wrap things up. They kept me busy, opening gifts, serving cake, thanking people, always something to be doing, always a procedure to execute, until the end. If things began to get overwhelming, they'd offer "bathroom breaks."

n any case, a long answer to a short question. Does any of it help at all?[/quote]

You were incredibly lucky to have such smart parents, aann. I did pick up early on that my Aspie son had a hard time with a lot of children underfoot at his birthday parties so I only invited adults who thought he was delightful. We were lucky to become close to a family with super bright children who thought he was fun and parents who thought he was normal and they were always invited to his parties. This worked, but Christmas was hard when we were doing the Santa Claus approach and leaving the toys under the tree unwrapped. He has two sibling close to his age and would immediately claim all the toys as his. Fortunately he learned to read early on so I began wrapping the toys and labeling them with the targeted child's name in large letters and telling all the children they could only have their own presents. This worked pretty well, but he had a hard time coping with any toy he had to share.

As for behavior, I would line up the children and give them very specific rules of expected behavior. He wasn't singled out. I told them all that people would react better if they looked at them and said "How do you do," and held out their hand when they were introduced. The boys were shown how to do the little head dipping that has replaced the earlier bow and the girls were shown the modified curtsy. I explained this was just a positive signal to the person they were meeting that they knew how to be polite. I spoke of this as giving them positive points at the beginning of any encounter. And this never hurts.

(I am clearly not an Aspie. I still haven't figured out how to negotiate this site. The quote above was just supposed to he one paragraph, but ended up with aann's whole text. If any of you can tell me briefly how I control what to quote, I would appreciate it.)

I was diagnosed at 30. The therapist handled me VERY carefully when she told me. First she gave a list of all the great people that were similar to me. I guess she didn't want me running down the street and screaming...or jumping out the window being that we were on the 30th floor. I was actually thinking more of pushing her out the window. BUT then she said the magic words that I needed to hear..."Now that I've told you this, it still doesn't validate the crappy way others have treated you."

I can get behind that. My son became the target for every power hungry sadist possible because he had an innocence that made him gullible. I think he still has a vulnerable side that makes him a target at times.

Yes. In the post you want to quote, click the "quote" button in the upper right-hand corner.
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Thanks, AUwaRLN,SHfB! And good luck, JDenault.

- RF

To quote Steve Martin, "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you," rf. I had tried every permutation I could think of, but not that.

I was in my 30's before someone told me.

Before that, I just thought I was crazy and tried to adapt. I was relieved in one sense to finally have a name for it and know I wasn't alone. But

I wasted alot of years being way too hard on myself re-playing all my failures while trying to play the "normal" game.

If this quote includes more than the one sentence "I was also very angry that someone hadn't picked up on it sooner." it's because I am still trying to get the quote bit right. rf kindly answered my query about how to select just the part I was replying to but I wasn't sure what to do with the HTML code already on the message, but assumed I had to move them to the part I wanted quoted. (my Asperger son obviously didn't get his high IQ from me or if he did, it clearly skipped a generation.)

So to get back to the anger issue. My son is deeply angry. This deep seated anger overwhelms him when he encounters someone who has the power to cause him real trouble who he deems unfair/stupid/and untouchable. He has a terrible time dealing with authority figures who insist he must do something he knows is wrong and/or unfair. He can't grasp the fact that there are times when the smart thing to do is to understand that he can't attack people who can do him harm: no instinct for self preservation.

Okay, rf, I guess I also have to delete the rest of the message I'm replying to. Thanks again.

Yes, sure, exactly. If he ever finds a solution, do please let me know. I have been trying, and failing, to deal with this for many years now.

My stepson, now in his forties, has never been diagnosed officially, and though the family would like a real diagnosis so that he has access to what little help is available, he resists seeing a therapist of any kind. His many bad experiences with "professional help" in school (which usually ended with him in a classroom with the noisiest kids in the school) and college (ditto for study tables!) have left him gun shy.

Is there a down side to being diagnosed?

My son also refuses to be diagnosed. He approached learning about Aspergers as he always does, by reading everything available on AS treatment, realized that at 48 there was nothing available for him: he was well educated, had learned to live with the mind set he had, was employed doing something he liked, and had no interest in any medication that would alter his mental capacities. After a lot of thought, he realized that he wouldn't be interested in a "cure" for AS even if it were discovered because his odd mind set made him an excellent engineer. He had spent a lot of time in his youth dealing with psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers, had respect for them but figured he probably knew more about how to survive with an Asperger brain than they did.