How Does one deal with the unhappiness?

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To Tracker: I am in the process of reading your book and it is very insightful. You are a very smart young man and you should be proud of the person that you are. I would like to ask you a question since I may be a little impatient in getting to this subject in your book - My nephew who is now 23 has become quite an angry person (seems w/in the last year), and I'm not sure what has set him off. He is beginning to act up around everyone, friends, strangers, whoever. It seems that he always wants his way (as we all do) and when he dosen't get it he has quite a meltdown. Examples: Asking girls out and them not returning his calls, friends not being able to do things at a moments notice, etc. He expects everyone to be at his beck and call and no one knows how to deal with him lately without him going off. He seems to have total control of the home right now because no one wants to get him mad.

Can you provide some advice?

I've been following this thread with great interest. My grandson is only 2 years old and so far, I'm the only one who is suspecting AS and that only because years ago, I got curious about autism and did a bit of research on the subject. I don't think his parents know AS exists - but my daughter/his mother is suspecting something is different, I think.

My daughter and her husband are planning home-schooling even thinking, as they do so far, that ZZ (their first) is a typical child. I'm thinking that it's good they've already decided. My older son and his wife home-schooled their two NT children and that turned out very well.

But while this may be the best thing for our family, it certainly doesn't work for everyone. I hope Annmarie, that you find some happy resolution for your son and yourself. You are in my thoughts and heart.

My son who is 12 used to have the worst meltdowns ever after school.
What changed?
My son started attending a respite program for aspie's one day a week, so he now only attends mainstream 4 days, He desperately needed a mid week "day off". If that program were ever to stop, I would still pull him out one day a week.
We changed schools.
The new school still don't fully understand that what happens after school is a direct result of what happens at school, but they are trying to make amends.
I don't talk to him after school, unless he talks to me first.
He is given uninterrupted computer/game/tv time (down time) after school, sometimes this takes until dinner time, some times it's quicker.
He rarely does homework! School is where school work happens. Home is his safe place.

If the school don't believe you, can you video tape it? I thought about doing this to get my son's school to understand, but they have started coming on board now.

Yes, Aurura I do believe that a lot of his problems stem from his job at Publix in addition to wanting people to do things with. We are learning more and more everyday what he needs to make his life more peaceful. I think he is going to quit his job, hopefully that will make a big difference.

What a great idea!! !! I have never heard of that. My daughter is homeschooling this year (8th grade) due to bullying problems and basically being non-functioning with meltdowns several times daily for the past 2 years. I am not convinced as homeschooling is best for her because she is very difficult to work with and she really desires to return to high school. I think this would be a very good thing for her if her school would allow it.

As far as homework is concerned my daughter doesn't see the need to repeating what she knows for homeworks sake. For math she tells me she needs no "practice". She just gets it and pretty much in 5 minutes after getting the homework assignment she has it done and sticks it somewhere and loses it. She argues with the math teachers a lot because she can't explain "how" she gets her answer only that she knows it's right. It is very frustrating to her that in middle school it seems like they have turned math into language (her weakest subject) and she will lose points because she can't explain something that she feels needs no explanation. Her grades don't reflect well because she loses most things before she turns them in and then gets A's on her tests to make up for it. She doesn't study EVER with the exception of practicing spelling and she still continually does poorly.

We deal with her general unhappiness in a lot of ways that seem to be the general consensus here.

I remember you mentioning this ages ago, and I think it is just genius. I actually recently suggested doing something similar to this for my sons during the last couple months of school when they really struggle. I think it is such a great idea!

For those of you who aren't aware, we live in Melbourne Australia. The respite program my son attends is run by the local Autistic school. My son doesn't go to the school so to speak, but attends an annex in a different location. There are up to 6-7 aspie boys of similar age and 2-3 teachers. His main teacher is a gorgeous American guy.
The program is still fairly structured, they spend the first few minutes of the morning planing their day, next they de brief and problem solve any issue's the kids may have had threw the week or anything that might be bothering them, the kids are encouraged to help each other. They do alot of art and craft, they do cooking, grocery shopping, play board games and out door sport, they go to various local parks, they visit libraries. They learn animation, they exchange computer games and programs. They practice traveling on public transport. They (without knowing it) learn lots of social skills. They try new things in a safe environment.

When my son first started at this program he was a mess. He was physically and emotionally beaten and drained. I was extremely worried about him. He still finds things tough, and is still exhausted after school and the respite program, but his confidence level is up, he is happier and he is coping better with lots of different things. When my son starts high school he will have to leave "Wednesday group" as we call it and he will start "Thursday group" same sort of program just different day and different teachers.

I liken mainstream school for my son as like being thrown into an Asian Market place in Asia for 6 hours each day and expecting him to do some shopping. Everyone is acting in a way he doesn't understand, speaking in a way that isn't making much sense, he is bombarded with strange noises and smells and people every where. Eventually he will pick up on some things, but the stress involved is astronomical. Personally I couldn't or wouldn't want to do that 5 days a week. I would be exhausted to. For us, even towards the end of the school term my son will often start showing signs that he is exhausted (even though he has 1 day a week in respite) so I keep him home a day here and there. I call it stress leave. Workers get it, why can't he?
If his stress levels are high or he is tired he isn't going to be doing much learning anyway, basically he would just be a bum in a seat (or a pacing silent time bomb).
It is very rare for my son to have a meltdown in public, so my belief is the stress of holding all of that in everyday is in some respects harder and more damaging than the daily explosion. The daily explosions (my sons friend has these) are exhausting for the kid and all involved, they get attention, people try different things in order to help the child having them, stop them. The explosions give the child a voice, not an easy voice to understand but at least people are paying attention. My son doesn't want the attention like this, he wants to follow the rules, he wants to fit in. He needs help and support but no one sees it or hears it because he isn't having meltdowns in public. It is my job as his parent to give my son a voice and until he is heard I will do all that I can to protect him physically, mentally, socially and emotionally even if that means giving him frequent "stress days" off, taking him to school late because he needed 14-15 hours of sleep. If the school complains (which mine don't any more, because he doesn't have funding) I will put it back on them, that if they did what was needed to support my son I wouldn't have to keep him home.

Sorry this was so long. Hope some of it helped some one.