Stepmom? Honest Advice Please

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Lol..yes, he wants a reaction. He wants to hear you guys tell him not to hit. I don't know if he just enjoys the fact that the rule never changes, or if he wants to reassure himself that you guys are still interested in what he's doing and going to say the words if he hits, but for sure, he's not trying to make you angry. The way you tell the story makes me smile, actually, it reminds me of my childhood. I can't really say what in particular....but your story reminds me of good times and safety. That's what it is! safety! it's safe when you say the words. Nothing is weird, nothing has changed. The rules are still going to appear if he hits the dog, he can make them appear by hitting. Sorry I know this sounds confused but it's such a vague memory from so long ago...

Based on the information you've added, I think it's safe to say he is looking for "something" when he kicks the dog. I did say "rarely," not "never," but ... I like ediself's input, above on this, and combing her reflections from her own childhood with what I know about my child, I'm thinking that your step-son is looking for some sort of reassurance that there are some constants in this world, ie if he hits, he'll be told not to hit. People with AS often (often, not all) think of themselves as "rules" people. Rules are their constant in this world, the thing they can rely on. They like rules, even if breaking them means there is a consequence, becaue finally something in their world acts the way it is supposed to. In a world full of people with independent free will that make no sense to the autistic child, I think having a parent get cross over a broken rule can be reassuring. When I was a moderator at this site, I got an interesting look at the relationship between AS and rules, and it changed the way I deal with rules. I'm still a squishy-easy-to-forgive parent, but I've learned that my AS son really needs me to at least give lip service to the importance of a rule, and enforce it in some level, even when I feel the infraction is super minor and would have let it go.

You might find that your step son is more likely to do this when other things have been unpredictable, new sensory stresses have come at him, or he's had some challenging transitions. All of those are factors that could lead to him needing to re-anchor himself in the world. Look for the context, as that can clue you into WHY he does it.

Do think of this issue as separate from the climbing / getting into stuff problem, however. Movement and tactile needs are probalby a different issue from kicking a dog and looking for you to say, "no hitting." My original response was geared more to the movement and climbing comments than the dog comment.

Everyone here's said far more helpful things than I ever could. But there is one thing I do want to say, it sounds like you're not just stressed about the situation you're finding yourself in, but also over how you are feeling about it and how you think you should be feeling about it. Mentioning that you feel affection, but not maternal love. I may be reading too much into it and if I am please just tell me, some of what you write just sounds like some things I've heard before... it sounds a little like you feel guilty over not feeling as deeply for him as you think you should. And I just want to address that if that is the case.

It doesn't make you a bad or wrong person that you don't feel that deeper connection you were maybe expecting or to have doubts. You moved in in November, so you've been living with him for 5 months? You saw him once or twice a month before you moved in and then 5 months of living with him doesn't sound like a lot though I'm sure it must feel like it at times. I don't think anyone expects you to just automatically fall into place emotionally after moving in even if you feel you should have - it may be good to remind yourself of that. If he'd been born to you you'd have had a long time to be with him as an infant, a good while with no worrying if he was going to harm himself or the dog and yeah you'd have been exhausted too, but with infants it is different than with kids. You didn't have that part, you're dropping into a family that was already established before you, much of his personality, habits and quirks have developed without you there to be a part of it happening. That deeper maternal love may still happen, but over time as you get to know him more, and he you. I know it's impossible to say don't worry so I won't, but give yourself some permission to just let those feelings be what they are without worrying how it compares to other people's feelings or even feeling guilty about having those feelings. There's nothing wrong with feeling like that, and I think maybe that's worth saying to people more often.

Err, and sorry if I read into your posts anything you didn't mean, if I did, that's the AS. I have no idea what to blame for going on about feelings and not offer up practical advice, I'm pretty sure I can't pin that one on the AS... unless I can call opposite day on that part? I just think sometimes women are far too hard on themselves in tough situation and well, I think it's OK to let people know they don't have to consider their doubts or feelings yet another problem to add to the worry pile.

I agree with the person who said you should try and encourage him to have a relationship with the dog so that not hitting the dog isn't a "rule" it's something he does because he cares about the dog.


But wow, I can't believe anyone would say that you have a choice to walk out on this child. He has known you for 5 years, since he was 2. You have to be his mother, or you shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. I think step-parents are bad for children in general. You are having the relationship with his father for you, he had no say in it whatsoever. That's an incredibly selfish thing to do, in and of itself. You need to be thinking how you can make up for that. And people should be holding you accountable.

Being a person who has had multiple step parents... There are times it can suck.... There are times that it can be incredibly rewarding. More people to go to.. I seemed to have different confidantes for specific things. That said, considering my dad is on his 4th marriage and my mom on her 3rd... I'll probably never get married.. Step parents aren't so horrible, but going through someone else's divorce is what really sucks.

Considering that this woman has had limited contact with the child in question, I don't feel that she should feel bad at all. It takes time, exposure, positive experiences and interactions to form a bond. Since coming into this child's life full-time, she has had nothing but stress and confusion. (As I'm sure is true for this child.) And frankly, I don't think that making her feel bad about her feelings is going to help the situation.

Perhaps before moving in she wasn't fully aware of this child's difficulties, or at least didn't understand the all-encompassing aspect of it. That's overwhelming.. Jesus, my son is 9 and I've been his sole care provider for his entire life... There are times I'm over-whelmed, and I'm not ashamed to say it. You bawl your eyes out in the shower and get back to life because that's really all you can do... As a responsible biological parent..

Yes, she has a choice to walk away. Yes, you can make her feel like crap for damn near any choice she makes in this situation. But what good does pointing fingers and blaming do?

She came here for advice, and that tells me she doesn't want to walk away. That's a good start.

What good will that do? Well this is a public forum. She and I are not the only people in the conversation, so maybe it will discourage other people from becoming a step-parent without knowing what they are taking on, and make other biological parents wake the f**k up to what bringing someone new into the bed can do to their kids. Step parents are bad for all children, but they are particularly bad for AS children who value consistency and privacy and have a hard enough time socialising with their blood relatives never mind the additional pressure of a step parent. I don't think I would be alive at all if I had had to actually live with a step-parent. It is a stranger in your home. If they have kids, it's several strangers in your home. A very small number of people report having a step parent who was "like a parent" and that can work, but it's rare, and it requires you to assume the same responsibilities as an ACTUAL parent, which means that, no, you don't have the right to give your best shot at generating a relationship and then just walk away if you feel like it doesn't work out, or you don't connect. You have t o stay in that child's life, as a parent, whether you stay with that parent or not.

This just is NOT true. In some cases a step parent improves a child's life by a lot, brining in a personality and dimension they actually need, and are not finding anywhere else. I've seen some wonderful step relationships form, and you just want to throw them out ... that is just wrong.

Doing it right takes a good amount of extra committment and sheer luck, I realize that, and there are good reasons for people to think long and hard before entering a step relationship, but by all accounts this woman DID think long and hard. It turns out she hasn't lucked out on the chemistry part, and she's now thinking long and hard about what that means to her, her partner, AND the child. Honestly, we don't have the information to answer that; we can just point out variables and factors to consider. Throwing in negative and incorrect generalizations really won't help.

Actually I have to disagree with this. Some step parents are wonderful parents and the children really value them. It really depends on whether or not the child perceives the step parent as a threat for some reason, and whether or not the step parent sees the child as a threat.

In most instances where the child and step parent don't get along, it's because the step parent has disrupted the dynamics of the relationship between the child and biological parent, and has presented themselves as an adversary rather than an ally to the child, who is usually naturally jealous and defensive and needs proof that the step parent is not an adversary.

Well 1) This doesn't sound like a situation where the child was receptive to the possibility of a step parent (I wouldn't have taken to any step-parent and I don't think I was the only child like that, I imagine far more AS children are like that than NT, but I expect many NT children would be like that too.) 2) I think the sort of relationship you describe requires you to take on the role in such a way that you don't expect you can walk away from it, ever, in the same way a biological parent cannot walk away from it. You have to assume responsibility for your side of that relationship when you go into it, and you have a duty to maintain your side of the relationship even if your relationship with the biological parent ends. This is especially true with autistic children who are generally more hurt by having their trust broken. 3) Expecting to "luck out" on the chemistry part when the odds are so entirely against you is questionable ethically, given that you are the one who gets to decide whether to role the dice, and also the one who gets to decide when and whether to pull out if it doesn't go your way.

I am not saying that all step-relationships end badly, but (except in very rare and exceptional movie-type circumstances) all seem to start out with the (step) parent's interests-namely being with the new partner, and impose a high degree of discomfort and risk of disaster on the child, which often winds up hurting them.

if only that were actually true! there are a huge number of biological parents who walk away from their children, or even worse, who live on the fringes never being a real parent but never letting the child go either. a child is much better off with a step parent who wants to be in their life than a biological parent who doesnt or is ambivalent about it. donating a sperm or egg doesnt make you a good parent, and never having donated doesnt make you a bad one either.

it is better for children to be in two parent homes, even if those include a step-parent. it is a more stable atmosphere, and it helps children learn about relationships and family dynamics. being a parent means doing your best for your children, but it does not mean you have to be alone if your relationship with the co-parent ends. a child cannot meet all the needs of a parent, and its ok for a single parent to continue living life and trying to find someone to share life with. parents are people too.

my SO has been a step-parent to my oldest son since my son was 2. D has been 100x the father that my ex has. birthdays, christmas, D makes sure the child is practically spoiled rotten with as much as he can humanly provide. my son spends summer and every other xmas with his bio father, and not once has he ever been allowed to bring his presents home. this year for his summer birthday he got a ps3 game 2 weeks before he came home... we dont have a ps3! but his bio father does, and thats where the game sits until next summer. even clothes hes been given stay there, with the exception of once in the past 13 years when hes been allowed to bring them home; they dont even fit by time he goes back again. every visit now i send him with a full suitcase because his bio father doesnt provide him with clothes when there.

if it wasnt for his step-dad, my son wouldnt know what a real father is like, or how a real man cares for his family. he also wouldnt have two little brothers that he absolutely adores. beyond the value of a step-parent, my son got siblings, and those are worth infinitely more than even a biological parent. they are family that will be here long after parents are gone, and they will form a foundation for each other to grow on.

perhaps my part of the conversation can encourage people to consider a step-parent role. its not an easy role, but parenting never is easy.

I think there are some truly wonderful step parents out there. I also think that the younger the child, the easier it can be for a step parent transition. With older children, it is too easy for them to have conflicting loyalties that hinder bonding with a step parent. However, it can even be done with older kids, it just usually takes more work.

I have seen some step-parents that always treat their step kids as people they tolerate and some that join the family so cohesively that it has been a surprise to find out they aren't the bio parent. I had step parents. My step-mom came into the picture when I was 5 and always seemed to wish I didn't exist. I went for my required holiday and summer breaks, but I never really elonged. There were never any photos of me in the house. Their kids always said "My Dad" when they spoke of him to me. She would get angry if he bought me anything. I was an outsider. My step-father came into the picture when I was in the 5th grade. While he was ncie to me, it was also difficult because I had conflicting loyalties since my Dad was still in my life. Plus, it never works for a new step-parent to discipline an older child. I always resented it when he would dole out the discipline. With him, I always got into trouble for being fresh with him when I spoke. Everyone acts like you are suppose to suddenly respect this person your parent marries immediately. I had friends that had divorced parents. The step parents and bio parents all got along. Some even had holidays together. I always thought that was very cool and that those kids were so lucky.

Obviously, this child and father are a package with challenges. I think it is honest and understandable to say that you are having a difficult time bonding with him. I spent years and a lot of money to have my kids. I love them very much. I have always loved my AS son very much, but it has been very hard to like him at times, One of the easiest ways to bond is to have some good, positive moments with him. Some moments when he is comfortable and can be fun instead of trying. I think it is smart for you to ask many questions, learn about what you are facing so you can go in with all the information. Pre marital counseling might be beneficial too. That way you can negotiate both your expectations. You shouldn't be seen as his kid's full-time caregiver unless that is the role you want to take on. If that is what happens and you don't get to run your business, you will only resent them both.

My point is that it is just as reprehensible for a step-parent to walk out on a child having built up a relationship with them. Of course, physically, anyone CAN walk out on a child, but what the OP was saying is that others (and she herself to an extent) do not view her has having the same obligation to stay that a biological parent has. I would disagree with that, totally.

I am glad step-parenting worked out for your family, but for a lot of children it wouldn't, either because they don't have the right personality compatibility or because the child just isn't receptive to having a new "parent figure" in the home. If my mother had moved someone else into my home, I would have moved out, onto the street if necessary rather than live with the new person. She knew it wasn't an option. Other children (particularly boys) will respond by acting out, being aggressive and disobedient. And I can totally understand why. Children should come first, it is never OK for a parent to put their own feelings ahead of their children.

I am guessing that you aren't a parent. This is stuff people only say before they have kids. My kids are very important to my husband and myself. Most of our lives revolve around them and their activites. However, to say that as a parent, you fail to progress, have relationships, or any outside interests is juvenile. Our kids complained one night we were going out on a date. No big reason, just because. They love their babysitter, they just wanted us to take them to do something fun that night. We went out anyway. Were we suppose to give into their demands? In your view, the kid runs the household? We became parents, we didn't give up being a person.

It wasn't until the last 100 years that anyone cared about the feelings of the child at all ...

I am very glad that the old ideas about children changed, but there is a certain destructiveness in the "children come first" philosophy that became pervasive in the last generation, and that destructiveness needs to be recognized. Parents simply cannot become driven solely by what is best for the kids without losing their sanity. Kids will thrive first and foremost in a happy and stable home, and parents that get overly caught up in their kids needs cannot provide that. Absolutely parents must WANT to make their kids happy and fill their needs, and do their best on it, but it cannot override everything else or the marriage falls about and the family falls apart. As with most things in life, there needs to be a balance.

What the parents posting in this thread have tried to do is help the OP consider the balance, if nudges here and there can make the family work more effectively for everyone, especially her. If she falls further into depression out of a sense of duty or guilt that helps no one; her needs have to get met, too. Step 1 is get the person seeking help into a better place emotionally to make decisions; this isn't selfish, its a necessity. Making decisions from a dark place is likely to lead to bad decisions.

It is probably because you think of T. as your partner's child, rather than as your own child. Of course, since that is the actual situation, it's not unreasonable for you to think that way.


If T's mother is autistic, there's no reason to think your own child with T's father would turn out the same way, unless you're autistic too. Even then, the evidence on whether autism is genetic is equivocal.

In addition, when it is your own child, things may give you happiness that might only annoy you in another person's child.


I would say that doing what's best for the kids includes maintaining a healthy and stable parental relationship in order to provide a happy home. "Doing what's best for the kids" is very different from "doing what the kids say they want".

I have been a single parent my son's entire life. His dad has chosen to not be involved and hasn't seen him since he was 2. He is now 9 1/2. My son wants nothing more than to have a dad. And it breaks my heart.

I am stuck between wanting to give him that, and having an adult's understanding that relationships often fail. I also recognize that my son gets incredibly attached to people and would not deal well with getting to know someone and having the relationship fall apart. Therefore, the few times that I have been involved with someone, it's been completely separate from my son and he never knew. Which is hard...... and doesn't give a relationship a lot of room to grow.

The thing is... relationships are more than sleeping arrangements.. It's more than sexual gratification. (and I am saying this because of comments made by Louise18 that I'm not going to take the time to go find and quote) A real relationship is about caring, and sharing, support and companionship. Being a parent is hard and stressful. Being a single parent, more so... Being the single parent of an ASD child, even more so. I LOVE my child. I ENJOY my child... but I need more in life than that. I need a partner. But, until I find someone who understands and loves my son as much as I do, it won't happen.

That's why I'm here. I don't have someone to share my burdens and worries. Yes, I can call my mom and laugh with her.. I can even cry with her, but she still doesn't really get it. She doesn't live it every day. She might be concerned about things, but she doesn't share the responsibility of making the right choice. A partner would do that.

So instead, I come here... where at least people get it.