13 Jun 2011, 9:31 pm
14 Jun 2011, 3:47 pm
Bombaloo wrote:
Don't worry if he's not too attached to particular things, you might actually consider yourself lucky - sometimes I feel like I spend half my life looking for the one particular HotWheels car that DS is currently attached to. 
He often won't go to bed or leave the house until he has the one car that is his current favorite and believe me, none of the other 50 cars he has will do when he wants his favorite one.
He often won't go to bed or leave the house until he has the one car that is his current favorite and believe me, none of the other 50 cars he has will do when he wants his favorite one.My son is quite mad over HotWheels cars too - they must be that brand - Matchbox just won't do!
He had been begging for a large truck/transporter carry case for storing his cars in. So i finally bought him one as a gift - just a store brand one. And it was the wrong choice! He was excited at first. But then he looked at the 12 cars that came with the large transporter and realised that some just said "China" on the bottom, some just had a number, and others said "made in china" but they weren't ALL the same on the bottom of the car - nothing unifying like saying "HotWheels", which he found quite upsetting. i have to say, he only was interested in his present about less than 24 hours.But I think rather than him never being attached to things, it's just that the object/brand/thing changes, so it's almost unpredictable what he is going to like next!
For a while he was really crazy about anything Toy Story - everywhere we went, if he saw something Toy Story - he begged for it, even would have a melt down over not getting things. So I ordered some Toy Story decorations to put on his cake for his 4th birthday. But before his birthday came he finally saw Toy Story 3 - and I have to say, the emotions/people in that film were just TOO much for him, and he's just about totally put off by it! He has no interest in it at all!
So the toys, watch, shoes, etc that he liked before are just ignored! But I think it really was the emotional aspect of it. He liked Toy Story 2 a lot more - prefers the toys to be seen and people left out! People are sometimes just too much for him! 
Bombaloo wrote:
On letting the kids have time together, maybe schedule a specific length of time during the part of the day when he seems to be at his best and then when that time is over either have him be with you where you can observe him or in his room where he can play by himself and self-soothe or somewhere separate from the other kids. Sorry if my earlier post sounded alarmist. I have seen my DS hit his older brother on the head with hard objects before, almost to the point of drawing blood. This has happened when they seemed to be playing well together then in an instant, the peace turns into mayhem. We limit the time they spend playing in each other's rooms and separate them at the first signs of escalation. Like you, I have been trying to impress upon the NT sibling his role in the situation. While I try to never scold him because he is (almost) always the one who gets the brunt of the physical aggression, I try to explain that he can do things differently and then he wouldn't get hurt. As soon as he or she is old enough, the NT sibling needs to take responsibility for recognizing the AS sibling's escalation cues just like we as parents do.
Hang in there!
Good points there - thanks! Yes, I find it's best to try and change what they're doing before something bad happens! And hopefully his sister will soon be able to better understand that he thinks differently to her and try and help prevent some things. In a way, i hope that if we get a diagnosis for him (currently being assessed just now) that it might help her and others around to realise what is going on and why he acts the way he does. Doesn't always help, I'm sure - but to be able to put a name on it might give a bit of relief.
Just yesterday we had someone come to the door and in the house for a few minutes and my son always gets quite excited/stressed (lot of jumping up & down, running around, verbalising, or flapping) when someone gets here. Not sure exactly why, but I guess he feels a bit uneasy when someone enters his space. Anyway, he jumped on the kitchen counter, then lept off the counter with arms around my neck - hanging all 42+lbs of his weight around my neck, while I've got 8mo baby on my hip! And then starts grabbing and pulling my hair in a crazy way - not angry - just really like he was going mad or something! Have to say, I think the visitors wondered *what* in the world he was doing. And to be honest, I wondered too! So yeah, not sure why I mentioned that - but just having a proper diagnosis might help all of us - at least to explain why he acts the way he does - and hopefully get a bit more understanding from others.
14 Jun 2011, 3:57 pm
liloleme wrote:
Recently we decided to implement a new discipline type method. We have tokens (you can use stones, toothpicks...anything) and we have two jars. When my kids do the things we want them to do. Pick up clothes, dishes, make bed, brush teeth, put on shoes, ect they get a token. When they do negative things like throw their clothes on the floor and not pick up, when my son yells when we ask him to turn off his game (after his time is up) then they loose a token. If they hit, push, bite or in anyway physically harm anyone they loose five tokens. Tokens are used for extra video game time for my son and they can also turn in for more time at the park or they can use them for toys or candy ect at the store, like money. My autie really does not understand the concept but loosing a token is a huge deal to her. Since your son is so worried about doing the "wrong" thing...maybe the loss of a token would work. I would not threaten him with a loss of a token during a meltdown though. Wait until later when he calms down if you chose to try this.
I don't think I've tried a token system as such, but I know that reward charts were just *too* much for him. And the idea of a reward being in the future is really hard. He just cannot understand waiting, or time, etc and gets really confused. I've found his behaviour worse at times if he thought he had to do the right thing to get a postive mark/reward/prize/privledge. He gets really upset thinking about the time it will take and says things about it being hundreds of years etc. lol
liloleme wrote:
Its just very important that you make him understand that harming other people is wrong....give him a stuffed animal to beat up or a pillow and try to teach him to use these things. Its ok to be angry, its not ok to hurt other people!
You may want to look up eardefenders for him to wear if you think he is being overwhelmed by noise....I also found some ear plugs that musicians wear that you can hear people talking but you can not hear background noise.
Anyway, good luck and I hope you can come up with a good solution because abuse is abuse even if he is only four!
You may want to look up eardefenders for him to wear if you think he is being overwhelmed by noise....I also found some ear plugs that musicians wear that you can hear people talking but you can not hear background noise.
Anyway, good luck and I hope you can come up with a good solution because abuse is abuse even if he is only four!
We tell him MANY times a day about it being wrong to hurt people, but he ALWAYS replies that it's good to hurt them! It makes me think I'll never get it into him, but I don't give up - we still tell him it's wrong. And he's got a stretchy/squeezy centipede which he's been torturing instead of hurting his siblings - a few times! Well, mostly he goes for it *after* he's lashed out at someone. But I'm hoping that he's starting to get the idea and might soon think about hurting it before a real person! I'm sure everything takes time, so I'm not going to give up! In a calm moment he tells me that he thinks it's a very good idea to pinch/squeeze it instead of hurting his sibling (and he likes the idea), so IMHO, that's a step in the right direction!
And I'm working on making his room a place he feels calm in, and trying to totally re-do it, so maybe it will help for him to have a quite place that he can enjoy being in!
I've thought of ear defenders but not tried them yet. I know he doesn't like people making fun of him (and gets violent when they do), so a bit worried what other children/friends might say to him if they see him wearing them. But at least might be helpful at home.
14 Jun 2011, 4:04 pm
missykrissy wrote:
just please remember that your first responsibility as a parent is to protect your children and that includes from each other as well. deal with the offending childs reasons and work on the issues second, protect the siblings first. your daughter will remember all the times she is attacked and it will change who she is. i know they probably love being together most of the time, just like my kids do. you have to weigh safety vs. being together. keep them close to you and in the same room where you can reach them easily when they are together. i learned this the hard way, my stepson freaked out and grabbed a blanket and tried to smother my youngest to death because he felt he should not have used a toy that step-son had proclaimed as his. just because it hasn't got that far at your house doesn't mean it won't. your son is already extremely violent and only one step away from causeing serious harm.
Thanks, and I appreciate your advice.
I realise that you having had a serious incident know first hand what terrible things can happen. But I certainly realise that I must protect my children - even from their siblings. I guess up to a point, one knows that brothers and sisters fight at times growing up - and usually are none the worse for it. Just normal bickering and pushing, etc. And it's only in recent time that the violence has gotten worse....hence my message here to seek help and find out what has worked for others! I know we probably need professional advice about this, but at this point we're still waiting for a diagnosis...meaning therapy (if possible) is going to be rather down the road. So I thought the least i could do is see what other parents have done in these circumstances. and I've found the replies here most helpful.
At the moment I'm rather worried about what my 2yo son is doing to my 8mo baby. At times I worry if there is something not quite right with him - but of course, at this stage/age, I will just wait and see how he develops. But he can act out quite violently himself - but some of it is very obviously learned from his big brother. So it's hard to know what is really him, and what is picked up from his environment. And then it gets tricky to keep 4 children away from each othe so no one gets hurt!
But of course, not all days are bad - thankfully!
My oldest 3 spent a happy afternoon together playing with Barbie dolls - and then turning the living room upside down with couch cushions everywhere! But they were all happy - and no one was hurting anyone. so that makes me happy - and makes life easier when they get along for a while.
14 Jun 2011, 4:46 pm
14 Jun 2011, 10:29 pm
Grace
Our boys have a lot in common ! Matchbox cars are "dumb" at our house, it's HotWheels or nuthin'!
Mine is also really sensitive about his preception that people will make fun of him for something he is wearing. When we got the ear protectors for him we bought several pairs. At school the teacher left three pairs out where all the kids could reach them so it wasn't a stigma that only he was wearing them, the other kids would put them on too. Same thing at home, both boys will put them when Dad is mowing the lawn or if I'm running the vaccuum.
It sounds like he is making progress. Keep it up!
