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AnotherOne
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15 Jun 2011, 9:09 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
AnotherOne wrote:
She is not heartbroken but you are, why? It seems that to her, having friends is not that much important as it is for you.

.


This was one time it DID seem important to the child. I know that friends have always been important to my son, as frustrating as they also are for him. There definitely are AS kids that WANT friends; we can't assume it is never the case.

As parents, we're heart broken every time we see our kids face battles they can't win. It's empathy for the situation, combined with a wish that we really could be superwoman racing to their aid ...


you misunderstood. I know that there are AS people that want friends (I told my mom the same thing when I was that age). What I meant is the little girl realized that she is different and typical kids do not like to play with, she is sad but life goes on. She is not heartbroken, mom is. Girl realized the reality and is dealing with it; that is a successful recipe for a successful adult.
The parent's reaction to kid's problems teaches them how to face the inevitable problems in their lives. If the parent reacts with despair that is a bad message. The whole point of growing up is figuring out kid's strengths and weaknesses. There is no one who wins all games in life.
Why is that different from being overweight, should overweight people constantly dwell on it and be heartbroken or they can enjoy the their life anyway?



DW_a_mom
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15 Jun 2011, 9:55 am

AnotherOne wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
AnotherOne wrote:
She is not heartbroken but you are, why? It seems that to her, having friends is not that much important as it is for you.

.


This was one time it DID seem important to the child. I know that friends have always been important to my son, as frustrating as they also are for him. There definitely are AS kids that WANT friends; we can't assume it is never the case.

As parents, we're heart broken every time we see our kids face battles they can't win. It's empathy for the situation, combined with a wish that we really could be superwoman racing to their aid ...


you misunderstood. I know that there are AS people that want friends (I told my mom the same thing when I was that age). What I meant is the little girl realized that she is different and typical kids do not like to play with, she is sad but life goes on. She is not heartbroken, mom is. Girl realized the reality and is dealing with it; that is a successful recipe for a successful adult.
The parent's reaction to kid's problems teaches them how to face the inevitable problems in their lives. If the parent reacts with despair that is a bad message. The whole point of growing up is figuring out kid's strengths and weaknesses. There is no one who wins all games in life.
Why is that different from being overweight, should overweight people constantly dwell on it and be heartbroken or they can enjoy the their life anyway?


I don't think of emotions as a "should" situation. People feel what they feel, and frustration with something that "is" may ultimately lead to a solution or at least some mitigation. Parents have to help kids find a balance. We hide much of what we feel for or with our kids in the interest of not amplifying it or overly dwelling on it, but when they hurt it can 't be solved by batting it away, either.

As for your specific example with overweight, given that I've fought that one off and on most of my life, you can enjoy life while acknowledging you'd also prefer to do what you can to mitigate the problem. I'm happier and healthier when I've let frustration spur me to real actions that make it less of an issue, like eating well and moving more. A parent's job is to point the child in the direction of those actions, and show some empathy along the way. We breaks our hearts in private, perhaps posting here, and we need to be allowed to feel what we feel, too - I can't resolve an emotion by deciding it has no purpose in existing, it must be dealt with (I realize my AS son seems to believe he really can just order an emotion away, and he seems to have remarkable success with that, but that isn't how it is for most people).

I do admit I'm not reading super carefully right now because of time issues, and isolating things that could be out of context, but those are the parts that interest me to discuss.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


AnotherOne
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15 Jun 2011, 10:40 am

yup, of course the way to deal with the emotion is to talk about it on the forum, away from the child. just wanted to point out that the little girl (your son too) is doing the best she can for herself and that is a great sign.
same as you said about the weight issue: acknowledge the problem, try to move in the right direction but do not make it rule your life.