From kid to parent

Post Reply New Topic

Well . . . this is the biggest conflict me and my mother have. We have not lived together in 9 years, thats one. The second, our primary language is Spanish. She moved in with my big sister after my dad died, and just moved in with me from Miami three and a half months ago. In Miami is easy to find Spanish speakers, out here, not so much. So she complains that I do not cater to her like she could not speak English at all, which she does, having spent her entire teenage-hood in new york city. This means she wishes for me to handle her phone calls to her doctors and other important things like her bills and that I would go with her to the mall or the stores or w/e for me to talk for her.

here in lies the problem I am trying to explain to her. Me and phones suck. I don't do telephones. even between me and my roommates we text, they have understood, even before autism was brought into the picture that I CANNOT talk on the phone. When we do, it is not me talking as much as them calling me when we go to a store and i wander off to the bathroom to tell me "We are in isle b, by the xyz, to the left, look for us one of us is standing in front of the isle so you can find it". and my saying Ok.

She claims I do not respect her needs and love them better. How could i? she is my MOM and that should mean I put her above them.

I am trying to tell her I have communication issues, please understand, she is telling me you just don't want to do for me.

and btw, i LOVE to cook. its the one obsession that has never really matured and changed for me. =D I have tried telling her it bothers me and if we could do other stuff together, the only other thing she does is makes me sit with her to watch the HSN channel . . . i can handle that, when she doesn't use it to try to coerce me to want something.

Can your sister or your friends/roommates help you communicate with your Mom? It sounds like she has things pretty set in her mind and that will be very difficult to change but sometimes if the message comes from someone else, a "third party", then it might be heard and accepted. Is her staying with you instead of your sister going to be a long term situation? If so, for the sake of your own sanity, you may really need to get a professional opinion about your diagnosis. A professional would be able to help you deal with your Mom, he or she might be willing to talk directly with your Mom to help her understand that your difficulties are real and that she needs to stop guilt-tripping you about things that are truly difficult. I know its incredibly tough to reach out but check out some of the websites posted earlier and see if there is someone you could email to get the ball rolling. Anyone at any autism organization will completely understand your desire not to talk on the phone and your reluctance to do meet a big group of people.

I will try that. We have had other people talk to her, however. A lady friend of ours who is in the same age range as my mom came and talked to her. This lady is terrified of what my mom is trying to do to me, because she saw her mother in law do it to her schizophrenic daughter who is now elderly and in assisted living because her mother never let her learn anything. My big sister and I do not talk often, because she is a lot like my mother. I called her once to ask for help and she said that had I had a job already and finished school i may have been able to find some "assistance" instead of being 28 years old, still trying to do school and having no job. that hurt. I am doing things at a pace that I can handle. last time I tried to mainstream I had a meltdown so bad I had a nervous breakdown. I spent around 3 1/2 years recovering from severe stimming stress seizures and, embarrassingly to say, bathroom accidents . . . as a adult. All my mom and big sister had to say that I did not take THEIR advice and moved from home and I should not have. My second sister does not talk to either one of them anymore and said she felt sorry for me.

She said she wanted to stay living with me until i finished school, to help financially but at this point I am willing to struggle, and have told her as much. She said she will leave when she is damn ready.

I think it is pretty clear that your mother struggles with her own issues, and those issues color how she interfaces with you, and how she wants things to be for you. If she mistrusts certain medical professionals she probably has good reason to, but could also use a reminder on occasion that just because she has had bad experiences, does not mean you will. I would stick to that line with her, "I know you worry for me, mom, and I appreciate that, I love you for it and have fully considered it, but this does not have to turn out badly for me and I need the professional help."

If she makes another cheap shot about you trying to make excuses, tell her it's a cheap shot and you won't continue in that kind of conversation.

All this "you would do X if you loved me" stuff is emotional blackmail and you need to put up a wall against. Do not allow it. You've explained your side; if she doesn't see it it is because she doesn't want to. Consider telling her something along these lines, and stick to the script every time it comes up: "I love you, and if you don't know that it won't make a difference if I speak more in Spanish, make more of your phone calls, etc. None of those things have anything to do with how much I love you, I have already explained why they are hard for me, and when you talk this way it hurts our relationship." Basically, reassure her and then refuse to engage further.

I know all of the above will be very hard for you, but try to put those walls up. She has some toxic habits and, while you don't want to confront her about them and create a war, you do need to stand your ground against them. Very, very hard - I know that.

Do be ready to do something like go out for a brisk walk if the conversation gets too stressful. That will be better than allowing either of you to say something truly damaging.

I think you are right to take your education et al at the pace that works for you. It's just hard, I think, for family members to watch, because the world is driven to reach independence and productivity. It's quite a strong tide you are fighting, and they are swept up in that tide. Be patient with them but keep sticking to your guns, doing things in the ways that work for you.

I really am sorry that your mother is not in a position to help you with the things you've asked for help with in this thread, but life doesn't hand anyone a full deck of cards. It looks like you've found plenty of members willing to jump into that gap here, so don't be afraid to come to this board when you need something.

Hope you don't mind that I took a tangent, it's just what really struck me as I read the thread.

Thank you very much, to EVERYONE. I have my good and bad days and sometimes it feels like I can't handle them at all. You have all been very helpful to me.

Small update:

although my roommates refuse to believe that asperger's is my problem (they claim i am way too social to have that issue and that I am being stubborn about it) they did concede that I do have some issues that have stemmed my problems and behaviors. I agreed to go get another evaluation and pursue a diagnosis. I am not sure what the results will be, but at least I have complied with that and at least the three of us sat down and talked about what they have noticed (including my ocds and manic depressive behavior) and ways I can sort of curb it or how we are going to handle each other. SO far it has gone better.

My mom on the other hand is hard to talk to an I got no progress there. She said she was moving by December . . . I hope so for my sake.

I think getting another evaluation is a good idea for you. I hope that it provides some answers to some questions for you. Whatever the results are, hopefully this will give you a start to work on the things you find difficult and frustrating. Try to keep that focus on yourself and good luck!

I am not really sure when I could get this evaluation done, but at least we have taken time of the day each day so far to talk about each other. Turns out that at last they realize i am not self centered and rude on purpose is the way i SAY things that seems to come across that way. They said I have poor conversationalist execution. They are trying to help me out. now when i say something that sounds rude or self centered they tell me i sound like it, rather than being it, and ask for clarification, which I am happy to provide. we havent argued in a few days!

Progress! Congratulations!

That sounds great, I hope you can continue with it! Sounds like your roommates are good people who really care about you. Not everyone is so willing to take the time to work with others on issues like this. You should also know that a lot of people, AS and NT and everywhere in between have trouble communicating so you are not alone. Keep us posted!

Update 2: sorry if I get alot of errors I'm using a tablet. My roomates told me they do not think I am on the spectrum wuse I have the desire to be social and the ability to be comunicqtive. That if I am not social its because I do not wish to and that autistics can br social a but not communicative. She said she knew a lady with an autistic son in California and that though he would great everyone he could not comunicwte when he needed things like to use the restrom. If I can convey my needs I can't be on a the spectrum. I can communicate therefore I amnot autistic. I am not sure if this makes sense but since we started tying what i said above about them letting me know Iwasbeing rude they say I use this now as an excuse to berude. Thatthry fear I go get evaluated because when I talk I always sound rehersed and thereforemight soun fake.

Not sure what to do. They say I don't act like I have a problem as long as things go my way but then switch and that I act like a brat. That I should not use this forum cuz its ppl like me that make it hard on true autistics and that if you guys agree with me its cuz I did not give u all the whole truth. You guys are not here to know.


So, I give.

PDD-NOS is autism. If you had PDD-NOS you're autistic because no matter how much you've improved over the years autism is for life. You know yourself, just because those around you can't see what you struggle with every day that doesn't mean that you don't struggle. When people try to tell me they don't think my son is autistic just because he makes eye contact I usually tell them that that's a stereotype. That autism is more about extremes and for most everything they think they know about autism the exact opposite can also be true. Autistics can't talk, or they talk too much. Autistics have learning disabilities, or they are very gifted. Autistics lack emotions, or they are too empathetic. There's a saying: If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism.

Thanks, that made me smile. I think I will just drop the subject and concentrate on coping. In the end is the best I can do, I think.

The next time you are in conversation with your roomates about autism, you may want to address the spectrum part of the diagnosis. In my opinion, many folks who seem the least impacted on the spectrum may have it socially harder than those with more obvious issues. This is because the expectations are greater if people think you are NT.

Many, many people on the spectrum want close relationships, they just don't always know how to act to maintain those relationships.

I refused to consider that my son was on the spectrum for over a year because he wanted friends, makes eye contact and loves to be touched. I had no idea how I was stereotyping.

You may want to google famous autistics and show them the list - pretty surprising, and they may be able to see autism in a different light.

I have shown them plenty of literature, common symptoms and the sort, they still say that I use it as an excuse. I was like well . . . ok.

It's not you, it's them. People like to ignore autism, I think they think if they ignore it and deny it's existence it will just go away. I relate to what you've said because I realized I had some degree of autism long ago and when I dared to confide that to anyone I was inevitably regarded with scorn and disbelief. And when my mother decided to get a one bedroom house in the middle of nowhere (I don't drive and there was no bus service) I was left with the choice of either being stranded and completely helpless sleeping on her couch or get a place with my boyfriend. I believe she was hoping for a grandchild and that was her way of making that happen - if so her plan succeeded. She has a grandchild and he is undeniably autistic - but people still try to deny it.