helpful ways to discipline?

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Momsparky, I love your detailed description of your conversations with your son. Those are EXACTLY the types of points that resonate best with my son. I think it is excellent to emphasize a rapport of trust, and for your child to know that (a) you won't ask him to do what he honestly can't and (b) that he can tell you what his issue is with a request and you will listen, adapt if appropriate. Always.

I'm not sure at what age kids can begin to fully integrate these concepts, but I think for my son they were set by about ten.

We have tried so many discipline approaches. I think the key is FIND OUT WHAT WORKS FOR YOUR CHILD. What works for one may not work for another. Also, you may have to change things up from time to time if they stop being effective. It is not always possible to have the punishment be relevent to the crime. Right now, the only thing that is effective for my daughter is losing privileges. She gets demerits for negative behavior. Three demerits equals no screen time for the next day (a VERY painful punishment for both of us!). Demerits reset each day. If there is something she is particularly looking forward to, like a day at a museum or planetarium, she can lose that by too many demerit days that week. This correlates well with how they do it at school so it is uniform. She can also get demerits removed by displaying exemplary behavior (positive reinforcement).

My daughter has pretty extreme impulse control issues. When one infraction occurs and I call a demerit it's like saying "watch yourself-you are outside the bounds of acceptable behavior" but not in a way that shames her or criticizes in the moment. Before, when we had immediate consequences, it would cause WORSE behavior as a reaction to the consequence. With the demerit system, it is sort of a "warning" to get back into calm before she loses something. If she can't get back into calm and gets another demerit, she knows she is dangerously close to losing her screens the next day-which is something she ABSOLUTELY doesn't want. This helps her become aware of her behavior in a way that puts her in control of the final outcome. Usually, when she has reached 2 demerits she starts really focusing on removal of those demerits, especially if there is something she is looking forward to that she is afraid to lose.

As time goes by and she gets better at impulse control, the penalties can tighten. But for right now, this system is working.

We have timer and when I need him to do something for me I tell him that for example pick up your leggos I set it for 10 min. at first go with him and talk him through it. at the end of the time let him go back to his desired activity. for about 20 min. I then set the timer for 5 min and tell him when the timer goes off he will need to work on the leggos for another 10 min again working with him after a while he will know what you expect because you have shown him,and he will also know that there is a end in sight. If you use this with anything you need done he learns what you want , how you want it but gives him a reward for a job well done. make sure you praise him for his efforts.

My stepson is nearly 12 and we've made a contract with him regarding appropriate behavior at home. We've broken up behaviors and consequences based on what we feel (based on experience) that he can control, and what he can't. If it's something he *can* control, we try to make the consequences (as others have stated) fit the situation:

Failure to unload the dishwasher daily – Consequence: do all the dishes that have accumulated since the last time the dishwasher was unloaded.

leaving your dirty dishes lying around – Consequence: sweep kitchen floor

Leaving food out on counter top (peanut butter, Grapenuts, etc.) Consequence: fix the family dinner one night in addition to your turn. (We have taught him how to be a pretty decent cook and we all take turns cooking the evening meals).

Leaving toys out overnight on the brown rug (we bought a large rug in order to define his play area otherwise toys cover the entire living room floor and into the kitchen): Consequence: whichever toys are left out will go away for one week.

Paying too much attention to the cats after you’ve been asked to leave them alone to the point of causing them to hiss – Consequence: clean the litter box or change the cat's water dish

Buying candy without permission (this started to become a real problem as we live next door to a convenience store that he walks by everyday on his way to and from school bus)– Consequence: no desserts or snack foods for one weekend. (snacks include corn chips, pretzels, corn nuts, etc.)

Waiting until bedtime to ask for something to eat (this is a bedtime stalling technique!) – Consequence: you can get something to eat but you'll need to go to bed a half an hour earlier the next night.

Displaying a constant “bad attitude” (being consistently negative,complaining and whining about everything): Consequence: write 5 sentences about 5 unique things you’re grateful for.

Complaining/whining about having to do homework or refusing to do homework as directed – Consequence: 1st offense, go to homework club the next day, 2nd offense, go to homework club all week, 3rd offense, homework club and has to go to bedroom to complete homework (at the time of offense) rather than stay in the common shared space of the house. (he likes to be around us at ALL times).

Watching TV after school before homework is finished - Consequence: No TV (including wii) for one week (he can still watch programs on his lap top).

Then, for the behaviors that are more specific to AS and are difficult for him to control, rather than punitive discipline, we try to make it more about giving him an opportunity to calm down

When in shared living space, making loud high pitched squeals, giggling or jumping around uncontrollably, continuing to hum, sing, make shooting or war-like noises, farting intentionally to gain attention, or constantly narrating after you’ve been given a warning to stop - Consequence: Go to your room, outside to play, or to the library (next door to us) for 5 minutes first offense, 15 minutes second, 30 minutes third, after 30 minutes if behavior persists, needs to immediately help with a chore like vacuuming or sweeping.

We have this all written out in a family contract and we've had him agree in advance to all of the consequences and we've written out responsibilities and consequences for ourselves as well, including:

In return, your parents both agree to

not yell at you - Consequence: we'll go to our room for 30 minutes
not use bad language directed at you - Consequence: lose computer privileges for one day and go to our room for 30 minutes
not break or throw away your possessions – Consequence: lose computer privileges for one week go to our room for 30 minutes

Plus we have consequences for leaving food out, not doing our dishes, etc. This became necessary because our house was becoming a huge pig stye and I was becoming exhausted having to pick up after my husband and son in addition to a demanding 40+ hours a week job.

We've explained to him that he has choices, that he knows what the result of his choices will be, and that the consequences are to maintain a home environment that is ultimately more stress-free and enjoyable for him!