Sometimes I HATE my AS step-son

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Step, as an autistic adult that grew up in a single parent household, maybe I'm "meant" to sympathise with your step-son; but from what you've said here I really sympathise with you, even if I can on some level understand why the son might want try to share the shared living area and spend time with adults in his circumstances.

What really concerns me about everything you said in the fighting, and it sounds like you are the one that recognises that it needs to be resolved even if you don't see a way to do so currently.

Please don't feel bad for "venting" like this, it sounds like you are doing every thing you can in a bad situation

Since it's obvious you don't have any idea how to deal with this (and really, who would?), my advice would be to get some help before it gets worse, and it will get worse. People with AS get hormones just like everyone else. Hormonal changes generally make people act up. A third party can help you gain perspective and find solutions.

The man-child lost his mother and has to live with you... and they say Aspies have no empathy. Try to put yourself in his shoes. He has no friends so he's starved for love but he's a burden to his parents.

I'm not trying to be hateful, it just comes out like that. I raised kids for 32 years and I'm going through a bit of a bitter phase. It always amazes me how people insist that having kids will be all flowers and sunshine when it's truly a lot of complaining, self-centered, whiny noise with crappy diapers and worse to clean up after.

I love my kids and I'd do it all again because it's worth it, but from the time they hit puberty until they left the house it was pretty much a nightmare of worry, stress, defiance and danger. They don't behave as you'd like. This is when they're trying to figure out who they are separate from you. A lot of kids think they need to make their parents the enemy to accomplish autonomy - and you're the step-mother. We've all been taught since birth that step-mothers are evil.

I truly wish you luck, and a good counselor. You've had a lot put on you that wasn't expected. It's not going to be easy.

This is mostly a vent, I'm starting to feel so hopeless and I don't know what to do. I made the big mistake of marrying an AS man with an AS son when I knew I didn't have any desire to be around kids. I figured it would be OK because my husband's son "Seth" lived with his mom thousands of miles away...only, right after we got married his ex-wife died unexpectedly and we got full custody!

Seth's AS behaviors set off my husband's. For example, my husband needs the house to be absolutely quiet and to have lots of personal space...my step-son needs to CONSTANTLY engage us and make non-stop noise plus jumps around or paces and has no concept of personal space. Seth is 11, has no friends, and gets all of his social interaction from us and even though we try so hard to help him be happy, he whines and complains constantly or else he argues endlessly with every single thing that we say. My husband and I both try to maintain positive outlooks on life but Seth always sees the negative in everything. It's like living with a black cloud and he's so stubborn and rigid...never willing to even try something that we think may make his life easier.

Well first off us of us on the spectrum do not usually enjoy being 'hated' and we can usually sense when we are 'hated', basically hatered does not help us. Also we have sensory issues which mean normal amounts of light can be painful, too much noise can be painfull and when we've had too much we get a little bit upset..........its going to happen so the best thing to do is be prepared for it and try to be a little supportive. Not to mention maybe this kid is having some trouble with the whole dad being with someone who's not his mom that sort of thing can bother kids so sometimes the act out because of stuff like that as well.

Our house is tiny and set up like one big room and so he is always right there. He has been living with us for 3 years now, and things seem to be getting worse rather than better. I have read everything I could find about AS and work endlessly to make things better for him, including setting up routines, defining acceptable behaviors and having consistent consequences for negative behavior etc. but it's like a never-ending amount of work and it feels like we're all headed in a big downward spiral. For one thing, it's impossible to change a child's..."personality" for lack of a better word, through either carrots or sticks (metaphorically speaking).

Try some positive reinforcement.....punishing someone for things they don't have a lot of control over usually just makes them feel like crap......the best thing is to try to understand the negative behaviors and encourage positve behaviors instead. Constant consequences sounds pretty hellish honestly, especially since sometimes people on the autism spectrum have no clue their behavior is 'wrong' and sometimes its not........sometimes it's more like society does not want us to seem 'weird'. So keep this in mind.

My husband is endlessly annoyed by Seth to the point of both of them flying into raging melt-downs on a daily basis..my husband and I lived together for 2 years alone, and he never had melt-downs when it was just the 2 of us. Now my husband is spending more and more time hiding in our bedroom (reading in bed) because he admits he does not want to be around his son. Then he feel horrible guilt and anxiety for feeling that way.

Ok your husband has a child, that should be first priority if you guys are parents its your job to take care of the child, if you guys don't want to be parents(at the risk of sounding harsh) maybe try to find a family that will actually accept seth for who he is and help him rather than constantly punishing him like you mentioned you do.

I get stuck in the middle but I also find myself yelling at Seth...sometimes screaming at him at the top of my lungs. This is *not* like me at all. I have never been an angry person, I am very quiet and in my own family, played the role of "mediator"...yet with Seth I find myself exploding with rage. I really hate him sometimes. I feel like he's ruined the perfect life I had with my husband and yet I know he has little control over his behavior and I feel sorry for him because he has no friends and is starting to get very low self-esteem (his parents hiding from him can't help).


Oh us autistic people love to be screamed at considering our sensory sensetivities........sorry for the sarcasm but that is definitly a NO, actually. and again hatered is not all that helpful especially when it comes to children who are trying to learn things about life. Yeah low self esteem happens when your family, and everyone at school constantly criticizes you for every move you make.

I fantasize all the time about getting a divorce, only I still desperately love my husband and I know that he could not take care of Seth on his own, he'd completely lose it. And I would never do that to either of them. But I am miserable and my health is suffering for it.

Then get the divorce, because when there is a child involved the child is first priority, if you're not willing to take that on then don't stay with a guy who has a child who needs support.

And yes, we've all had counseling up the kazoo...there's only so much that counseling can accomplish...

I don't know if I have a question, I just wonder if other parents of AS kids ever feel like they just can't be around them, like the child is making their lives miserable or that they're angry at the child all the time? I'm feeling like such a failure right now!

This is probably one area in which you can discard the regular child raising advice. If he is an aspie he probably won't respond well to discipline, I'm not saying you can't expect him to behave better, but think of trying to train a "grown up cat" vs a "puppy".

Hi Peko,
Not exactly, I mean, I used to ask him "how was your day" but he'd just go on and on and on about how boring it was or how stupid so n so is, or how he doesn't like his teacher or whatever...so I started asking "What's something good that happened today" or "What was a project in school that you enjoyed" and every once in awhile he'll come up with something positive but mostly he still responds "nothing good happened today".

I'm a big believer in positive reinforcement so if he ever tells me something good or positive I'll ask lots of questions and seem really interested...if he is negative I won't ask questions...but that doesn't seem to matter. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter if I'm involved in the conversation or not...he just wants someone to listen to him...ya know?

Well you probably will dislike me after reading my last post.........but sometimes people do have negative experiances and it needs to be acknowledged that it was negative and might have made him feel bad. As a child I had lots of days where I felt nothing good happened........with the constant bullying and sometimes mistreatment from the teachers put a damper on me enjoying my days.

When put like this, it sounds so easy and straight forward, but to an AS person it isn't (as an adult I still struggle with it).

Sometimes it's a matter of accepting what you can't change.

I don't want to share too much about my childhood here; but I chose to move out at 16 so my mother could be happy with the husband she had just married (an also end a pattern of fighting that I had observed in our family up until that point).

The behaviors that cause the tension:

- going on and on and on and on and on about his special interest while showing no interest in conversational reciprocity.

- pacing/jumping around in a very small area, jumping up on the furniture, grabbing randomly at our cats (making them hiss) running up to you when you enter the room and standing way too close.

- when he's on his laptop or working with legos or programming, he has to make some kind of noise, he either narrates his thought process including all of his frustrations with whatever he's trying to do...or he makes shooting noises, or high pitch squeaks, or hums or sings the same song over and over and over again on an endless loop...ask him to stop, he'll say "SURE" and start up again 5 seconds later.

- no matter what my husband or I say, he'll find a way to argue with us. We use logic with him, we're both logical people, but Seth will still find a way to drag a simple request out for 10 minutes by arguing and arguing. I think the arguing more than anything sends my husband and I over the edge. Also, because if you say "I understand what you're saying but I still need you to do what I've asked" he won't quit arguing, then I'll say "I need for you to stop arguing NOW"...and he'll keep arguing, and I'll say "Stop talking immediately" and he'll continue to argue, then I'll start getting louder and louder, telling him to JUST CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AND QUIT SAYING WORDS!! !! and it's like he is physically unable to do so, even when he knows there will be a negative consequence to it.

Can you move to a larger house?

I should mention that even though our living area is one big room, we have our own bedrooms. He has a nice bedroom with a lot of toys and a big desk for doing his homework and a train layout from when trains were his special interest...and he doesn't want to spend any time in there. He only wants to be where we are, so I don't think a bigger house would help and also, we can't really afford it.

Is your step son enrolled in any programs for children with AS?

No, because he hasn't been formally diagnosed yet. Everyone has been saying AS since he was 5 years old but my husband refused to have him evaluated. Finally this year he broke down and agreed to it because Seth is having so many problems in school and because his dad sees that he's not able to succeed with things the way they are. So, he's currently being evaluated by a nero-psychologist but I'm 100% sure that AS will be the diagnosis. Even after he is diagnosed, I don't know if there are any special programs for kids with AS in our town. I've been asking for years at the school and they've never mentioned anything like that.

Does the father ever spend quality time with his son?

Yes, he is very involved and does spend time going skiing, playing soccer, going to school activities, and just playing legos on the floor with him etc. but he has his limit and what sends my husband over the edge is when he spends so much time and effort trying to make Seth's life better and then all Seth does is whine and complain about everything.

Oh, I felt really bad for writing "I can possibly hold on for another 6-7 years but not indefinitely." and edited that out, but not before you read it! I'm sorry you felt that way and left home so young. That is not what I want for Seth. I want him to feel loved and accepted and like an equally important member of the family who can stay in our home as long as he needs to. I just hope that he will *want* to leave, for his own reasons...and not because he feels in the way or like he's cramping our style. You have given me a lot to think about. Thank you nat4200.