6 year old aspie still sleeps in parents bed

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Wreck-Gar
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11 Dec 2011, 4:12 am

MomtoJoeJoe wrote:
Hey guys-

I have posted quite a few posts now but I am still a newbie!

My 6 year old son was recently diagnosed AS and ADHD(I have known for years just recently was ready for the DX), we started meds not too long ago and he is doing amazing in school. He has a few issues and we are working on an IEP. I could not be happier with his teacher and school. They are so very understanding.

He is a very very anxious little dude and still is unable to sleep on his own. This is not an issue with us as a family. He has no problem falling asleep and staying asleep in our bed. He is very very afraid to even go into his own room at night time, so he has his own bed but has only slept in it like 2 times.

I just wanted some opinions on when/if I should push him to start sleeping on his own? I don't want to hinder him by "babying" him but its really not a bother and I acutally prefer him to sleep in our bed because I am able to rest better, I'm also a worry wart.

Obviously my bf and I do not engage in x rated things in the bedroom, we have a living room and office that we use ;)


I live in Japan and this kind of thing is totally normal here. Whole families often sleep in the same room. It is considered completely normal.



Annmaria
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11 Dec 2011, 5:15 pm

My daughter dx add, gad now 16yrs and my son 13yrs old dx asd, adhd, ocd both slept in my bed. My daughter was too afraid she stopped when she was nearly 13 years but I had to keep telling her that she needed to stay in her own bed, my son I had to work with him.

I kept explaining it was inappropriate because he was getting older and the changes his body was experiencing to no avail.

I have a spare room with two beds, he would go to his bed initially but come into ours at night. I again explained to him that the only way he could sleep in the same room was in a different bed. When he would come into our room at night I would take him to the other room he would sleep in one bed and I the other. We did this a few times and he stopped coming in. I also know not everyone has a spare room.

I think he didn't want me not been in the same bed as his dad he never comes to our bed now maybe on sunday for a hug when his dad is off work. :)


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OliveOilMom
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11 Dec 2011, 8:15 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I wouldn't worry about what parents of NT's say, but then again, I tend not to share things with people who I know/suspect will be critical. I have too much going on to deal with that, too, as I am sure do you.


Oh, well then I shouldn't have posted my advice about how I got my 8 and 10yo NT's out of our bed.


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angelgarden
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12 Dec 2011, 4:57 am

Pretty much ditto what most everyone said here. Granted, my kids are still young, but we live in Asia and though we are American, at least families sleeping in one room together is fairly typical here!

Son is 4 1/2 and being evaluated for AS--he has some pretty intense nighttime fears, so he sleeps on a mat in our room. We either lie down with him until he is asleep or let him lie down with us and then move him. He usually stays on his mat unless he has a bad dream, then he's up with us again until we move him (again).
Our daughter suffers from intense night terrors, so she also sleeps on a mat on our floor and bedtime process is same as for our son.
They know the option to sleep in their own room is open. Any time they complain about daddy snoring or about their mat, we propose their beds as options to sleeping in our room. We figure they will grow out of it eventually, but know they aren't ready yet.

Just pay attention to you son, his cues, and hopefully you'll know when the time is right . . . but I am not speaking from experience, I am just in the same boat as you!



misswoofalot
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12 Dec 2011, 7:08 am

My son slept with me until age 10 - then got him a bed in the room then he moved in to his own room.



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12 Dec 2011, 4:47 pm

I wouldn't mind our youngest sleeping with us if he would actually sleep! He starts off the night in his room then comes to our bed or when my husband is out of town he just goes to sleep in our bed. The problem is that he wakes up at around 3 am and tosses and turns for an hour or more. He will do this 3 or 4 nights in a row then he will sleep through the night fairly soundly for a few nights then back to tossing and turning. The sleep deprivation is very tough sometimes. It's like when we had infants again.



Wreck-Gar
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14 Dec 2011, 12:19 am

Unfortunately my current living arrangement does not allow my kids to have their own rooms (though this will change once we return to the states and buy a house.) Lately my son goes to sleep in the living room while watching Youtube videos. I realize crashing on the couch is far from ideal for a 3-year-old but it is a step in the right direction as he will be getting his own room soon.



ASDMommyASDKid
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14 Dec 2011, 12:23 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I wouldn't worry about what parents of NT's say, but then again, I tend not to share things with people who I know/suspect will be critical. I have too much going on to deal with that, too, as I am sure do you.


Oh, well then I shouldn't have posted my advice about how I got my 8 and 10yo NT's out of our bed.


Sorry to offend, OliveOilMom: I did not mean to say parents of NT's had nothing to add to the conversation. I meant that if her friends (who have NT kids) get all judgie about how long her kids cosleep she should disregard it because standard parenting guidelines often do not apply to spectrum kids. I did not mean to say that no NT parents get it or that some advice can't be transferred. I was trying to address her concerns with peer pressure.

(I have a sore spot about this b/c I have in-laws constantly mixing in with extremely critical, unsolicited advice --- and I should have been more clear that I was referring to people who have very rigid notions of parenting that do not allow for accommodations to suit the particular child one has) Parents of NT kids can certainly be flexible, also, and I did not mean to state otherwise.)



OliveOilMom
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14 Dec 2011, 1:08 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I wouldn't worry about what parents of NT's say, but then again, I tend not to share things with people who I know/suspect will be critical. I have too much going on to deal with that, too, as I am sure do you.


Oh, well then I shouldn't have posted my advice about how I got my 8 and 10yo NT's out of our bed.


Sorry to offend, OliveOilMom: I did not mean to say parents of NT's had nothing to add to the conversation. I meant that if her friends (who have NT kids) get all judgie about how long her kids cosleep she should disregard it because standard parenting guidelines often do not apply to spectrum kids. I did not mean to say that no NT parents get it or that some advice can't be transferred. I was trying to address her concerns with peer pressure.

(I have a sore spot about this b/c I have in-laws constantly mixing in with extremely critical, unsolicited advice --- and I should have been more clear that I was referring to people who have very rigid notions of parenting that do not allow for accommodations to suit the particular child one has) Parents of NT kids can certainly be flexible, also, and I did not mean to state otherwise.)


Ah, ok. Cool then. My misunderstanding.

I'm very much a proponant of sleeping with your kids when they are babies and toddlers. The only problem is getting them out of your bed when it's time for them to go to their own.


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DW_a_mom
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14 Dec 2011, 2:18 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I wouldn't worry about what parents of NT's say, but then again, I tend not to share things with people who I know/suspect will be critical. I have too much going on to deal with that, too, as I am sure do you.


Oh, well then I shouldn't have posted my advice about how I got my 8 and 10yo NT's out of our bed.


I wouldn't worry about it. 6 isn't the same as 8 or 10, and it's good to have some ideas stored up for when you reach that tipping point which says, "OK, I've had enough of this because it's getting too crowded!" Almost every parent gets to that point someday, just a matter of when, and on that we all have our own thing.


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DW_a_mom
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14 Dec 2011, 2:22 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I wouldn't worry about what parents of NT's say, but then again, I tend not to share things with people who I know/suspect will be critical. I have too much going on to deal with that, too, as I am sure do you.


Oh, well then I shouldn't have posted my advice about how I got my 8 and 10yo NT's out of our bed.


Sorry to offend, OliveOilMom: I did not mean to say parents of NT's had nothing to add to the conversation. I meant that if her friends (who have NT kids) get all judgie about how long her kids cosleep she should disregard it because standard parenting guidelines often do not apply to spectrum kids. I did not mean to say that no NT parents get it or that some advice can't be transferred. I was trying to address her concerns with peer pressure.

(I have a sore spot about this b/c I have in-laws constantly mixing in with extremely critical, unsolicited advice --- and I should have been more clear that I was referring to people who have very rigid notions of parenting that do not allow for accommodations to suit the particular child one has) Parents of NT kids can certainly be flexible, also, and I did not mean to state otherwise.)


There is definitely that school of thought out there that says you will actually harm your kids letting them sleep with you, as if they'll never leave on their own, and that school of thought is, in my personal experience, complete #&@*@(!#&, NT or AS. If parents want their rooms to themselves, that is a valid reason to move the kids, ALL needs in a family must be balanced. But on some theoretical "for the kid's sake?" I don't buy it. I think it is that school of thought that leaves us all wary in these conversations but, fortunately, I'm not seeing any of it here.


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15 Dec 2011, 4:25 am

Interesting about the anxiety. My son with classic Autism is the opposite and is very happy in his bedroom in the dark. In fact he giggles at things like a piece of lego or looks out the window, or bounces on his bed like a trampoline. He gets so excited that sometimes we have to take him out of his room to calm down.
He has no door handle on the inside, I know that sounds bad, but its because he used to keep coming out, and with it shut hes happy and on the odd occasion he has not been due to some reason (like recently when he was cold after wreckng his bed) he knocks and we come. As soon as he is asleep we open the door.
In the night he will come to our bed most nights and I will take him back to his bed, and he is usually totally content to be tucked back in and go to sleep, but if he can't get to sleep he will come back after some minutes and then I will let him stay and I will sleep in his bed and he sleeps in our bed with my wife.



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17 Dec 2011, 3:59 am

A few things that might work. They worked for me, when I was a kid in your son's position. It's all about making his room not scary, while making your own undesirable for him.

Try leaving a light on in his room. Light could range from a little plug-in night light, to a small lamp, to the full room lights. Just find whichever brightness works.
Try suggesting he COMPLETELY covers himself with his covers. Like, over his head. This is how I slept for years. Had a little opening for fresh air, facing the wall.
Ask him what scares him about his room, and try to take away or negate whichever scary elements there are in his room.
Just make it SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE for him in your bed/room. Like, don't let him get a good nights sleep in there. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but it's what my parents did to me when I was in your son's situation.