My Boyfriend's son has Autism.

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For the aspires out there, help me get my head around meltdowns a little more.....

If you have to have something a certain way, that's how it is and you always habit that way....and suddenly, for some reason it's changed and you become upset, meltdown or tantrum?

If you are in a place that's too much, you gotta get out of there but you can't and you start getting upset, meltdown or tantrum?

In both of these examples, if you get what you need, the upset will go away.

I think of these as meltdowns, even though if you get what you "want" the meltdown will likely stop. Some of the responses above would put these examples in the tantrum category.

I believe the difference is manipulation, basically the person saying (internally), if I don't get what I want I'm gonna make you pay until you give it to me.

Here's another way I look at it - if conditions were to stay the same but the people were removed would the behavior continue? With a tantrum, the answer is no, meltdown the answer is yes. So if a kid thinks they have to have potato chips and they're working you - the minute you leave the room, they're fine. An autistic kid is rigidly stuck on potato chips, you leave the room,they are still stuck on the potato chips and keep flipping out.

All of that said, am I wrong?

I don't think so: I've been a little uncomfortable with this particular definition for much the same reasons. I think there are ways in which it is true, and kids for which it is true, but I don't think it's a hard-and-fast rule. I can be SURE it's a meltdown if DS gets his way and continues to freak out, but I'm not sure the opposite of that is also true. I think it's one "litmus" test out of many.

I'm not at all sure that DS actually has tantrums, because - aware as he is of other people, he doesn't necessarily "get" that you can manipulate people with anger. He's incredibly clumsy and obvious when trying to manipulate us by being cute or charming or lying; I just don't think he can a) manage his temper enough to make it work for him and not against him and b) is aware enough of our reaction to his anger to think to use it, even in retrospect - when he's angry, he's not open to information, period. Pretty much, if he's screaming, he's not in control = a meltdown (in our case.)

The equivalent of an NT tantrum for my son is when he reacts to not getting his way by being really, really whiny and deliberately annoying - those are behaviors under his control; he's shown he is able to stop if we give him a reason to do so (punishment, discussion, negotiation, etc.)

That being said, I'm sure for every kid/person it's different.

I also do not think it is necessarily a tantrum just because they start to calm down once they get their way, at least not all the time.

The reason I say this is because I think sometimes it looks like a meltdown, but is really a minor (controllable once resolved) panic attack. Sometimes my little guy will freak out over not getting to finish something before transitioning or having to do something unexpected. When I tell him I will give him time to finish (usually only a minute or two, as I try really hard not to let him do things that can't be wrapped up quickly when we need to transition) I don't monitor his vital signs or anything, but it seems a not quite but near instant calm down. I do not think this is an "I got my way thing," so much as he was panic stricken that he will leave something uncompleted (which is not necessarily the same as a meltdown) Once he realizes he can have the extra two minutes to finish what he was doing, he can begin to calm down.

A meltdown to me, is when he freaks out over something (like my husband took his seatbelt off while parked at the drive thru, to get his wallet out, which scares my son, because seatbelt=safety issue,in addition to a rigidity thing) and then even when the situation is rectified (my husband buckles back up) he continues to go on and on asking why daddy unbuckled, long after the situation is over.

As I am typing this I am not sure why the later is a meltdown and not a panic attack, too, but for some reason my son processes these events differently. Maybe he just has better control in the first instance because it isn't safety related. I don't know, but it does not seem like it is manipulative to me. When he is manipulative he usually makes a sad little face that he shoves into my face so I have to see how sad he is. It is easily handled, although sometimes he will try to go to my husband to see if it will work on him.

A full fledged meltdown for us equals an uncontrolled crying fit, usually, now that he is more expressive, accompanied with a hyperbolic account of whatever the issue is. Sometimes when applicable it is peppered with questions like, "Why did you forget, why did you have to do x?, etc." No matter what we say, it is never good enough during an actual meltdown and we always have to wait for the neurons to stop their exponential firing, before any calm responses from us are heard/listened to.

I know a meltdown with my own daughter because she becomes animalistic and completely ruled by basic instincts. She cannot rationalize nor communicate in any effective way. Chances are, if your child is screaming about wanting chips, that's probably not a true meltdown but very well could be a pre-cursor. With my own daughter she will sometimes ramp up prior to a meltdown and fixate on something very particular. Perseverating like this can be not about the chips at all but be a sign he is feeling out of control or stressed and the chips are just what he is focusing on in that moment. Best to look deeper and see if there is anything noticeable about what preceedes these chip tantrums.