The trouble with helping relatives...

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My sister and niece are now living with us. My X-BIL is a deadbeat and does not do visitation or pay child support. This has left my sister with no financial support and my niece as an adorable black hole of need.

I am not entirely sure what all is going on with my niece. I know that some of her issues are because of abandonment, she clings to my husband because she has no father. She will run up to strange men and try to talk to them if we are not careful. One day she raised her arms to our landlord as if she expected him to pick her up, even though she is five and had never seen him before in her life.

Some things though seem very much in line with my fourteen year old son who is Dx'd Asperger's. She will not stop a sentence once she has started, no matter who tells her to do so or for what reason. She will argue with people on matters that she has no idea about. The other night she tried to say that her mother was older than I am, and neither myself or her own mother correcting her would convince her otherwise. Also my niece has no sense of sarcasm at all, one day when we had check ups for the other children she wanted to go too and I said to her, "It is not like we are going to Disneyland without you..." and she cried. Somehow this translated into we were in fact going to Disneyland and she would be staying home.

Ok well I think it is fairly normal for kids to argue somewhat especially if they are convinced they know something they don't in which case its best to stay calm about it and try to encourage the matter to be dropped.

Also sarcastic comments like that were very hurtful to me as a child to because a lot of time those of us on the spectrum have a tendency to take things too literally and even two personally especially if there are co-morbid issues, which if she has abandonment issues would be a sign of that. So the only way I know how to deal with that is try not to use that sort of sarcasm.


Does not seem to understand the difference between sad and angry. Will pat someone on the back almost violently in the interest of "consoling" them with no regard to whether they want her to or not. Will not look someone in the eye if she is being given instructions. If she does not like the instructions she will keep her expression completely blank. I have caught her more than once yelling at someone she has hurt, "I SAID I WAS SORRY!" as if to make them stop crying before she is "caught".

Many people on the spectrum have a difficult time understanding social interaction, she is probably not intending to bother anyone she probably really does not understand as she probably has difficulties picking up on it. So sometimes you have to really explain these things, as for the eye contact It never occured to me to do such a thing until I was informed by others......but even to this day it makes me severely uncomfortable so I cannot bring myself to do it in a lot of situations. So the best thing would be to first see if she even is aware of eye contact.....but if she has the same problem with it I do she might not end up being able to. Also there is difficulty in expressing emotions, so people on the spectrum cannot always do so normally......some things you will have to accept about her condition.


Some things seem not so much Aspie-ish. Will not respect personal space for any reason, consistently sits inappropriately close to people or will reach right under someone's rear end if they are sitting on something she wants such as a blanket. Makes mean faces if my daughter is getting more attention from my husband. Makes mean faces at me if I put her in time out, as if it is my fault she is in trouble and not her own doing. She will cry when her mother tries to explain appropriate behaviors to her, then stop crying the second the conversation has ended and then change the subject quickly to something completely unrelated.

Her intelligence seems average at best. Has little interest in cause and effect. Seems to believe that everyone should want to do what she tells them, even adults. Gets angry when this is not the case (which is very often). Acts as if we frequently leave her out of activities that the other children get to do, this is not ever the case. Despite that she will come running from the other side of the house yelling that she wants candy/playtime/tv watching too as if we usually send her to bed instead. Is tremendously bossy of the other children and will micro manage their free play. She has also recently begun physically shoving my three year old daughter to the point that my daughter will fall down, and even once today did this to my four year old son.

I don't have much of an issue with this, but some people on the spectrum have a very hard time dealing with change of routine, and even the thought of having the routine changed can provoke a lot of anxiety. So that might have some to do with a lot of that. As well as any sensory issues which I have experianced.....for instance if she is sensitive to light it would be likely she might demand the lights be turned down. So one way to deal with things like that is try to figure out what sets triggers any sensory issues or anxiety related to changes of routines or the possibility of changes so that they can be managed more effectively.

I am getting very frustrated dealing with her, but atm she has no insurance and does not start school until the fall so we are not sure how to go about getting her Dx'd. I am in a bad place. I kind of feel like I have done my time with the 14 year old's issues, and it leaves me with less energy to help with my niece. Also I feel like royal B having to constantly correct her inappropriate behaviors. But at the same time if I do not do it then my sister often ignores it.

Writing all of this down I am unsure of an Asperger's dx, but I do not know what else it could be. I am afraid she could turn out to be an adorable little sociopath at this point.

It does not help that one of the other issues making me unsure about her being on the spectrum is that she tries to manipulate frequently, she is terrible at it but it does not stop her trying. The thing is, this can be a learned behavior, my x was dx'd Sociopath by two different therapists and I had to deal with this sort of thing from my son for quite a while before it began to taper off. This manipulation factor made positive reinforcement not work for my teen, it just made him more inclined to try manipulation, do what they want until I get what I want then back to acting however I feel like.

So after calling the school to get all of this set up, now they are "swamped" and have to make their way through the three year olds for testing before they get to my niece who is five. So no idea when that will pan out. I guess I am going to have to look at other options, because there is no way my sister will be able to navigate this whole mess once we move and she stays in this state.

No, she really is trying. If she does not like what she is being told she will make herself cry, as soon as the subject is changed she is miraculously happy as a clam.

From some of these replies I feel I need to stress that she is not diagnosed. I am merely working from similarities to my son. Which there are quite a few. However at the same time this child shows some similarities to my x who was a sociopath, though of no relation to her.

So enough of the comments that make it sound like I am being a big mean bully who hates aspies if you please. I do not even know what exactly is going on with her yet. Hell for that matter I should not even have to be the one trying to figure it out, but my sister is not being proactive here.

Actually I was presenting the child as needing to be tested to find out what is going on. The attitudes in this post are why I stopped coming to this site for two years. I was tired of people treating me like some kind of demon because they didn't like their parents.