Tantrums about computer games?

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ugg ... same here. my son slams his head on things when his game does not work out and has a really hard time leaving the game....

I am definitely going to try the idea with the cards saying to take a 5 minute break.... I think part of the reason he does not take a break now is that he is so afraid that once he leaves the computer/wii, someone else will come in and start playing, there will be a fight/discussion over turn-taking (since afterall he already had his turn and he left), and he will never be able to finish....so in my case I am going to make a card that says "reserved for 5 minute break"...

after reading TheDarkMage's post a light bulb went off--- my son is having trouble figuring out the middle ground of emotions-- he rarely notices when things start to irritate him and only figures out that he is angry/anxious when he is on the verge of blowing up-- we had tried teaching him deep breaths and calm down techniques but they don't work because he is far past the point of being able to calm down before he recognizes he is irritated---

now, I can totally see why this is so much worse with the games--because his concentration level on the game is so high that there is no way he is going to notice his body clenching up or his heart beating faster or his stomach turning (the time when he should take deep breaths) until he is at the point of blowing up--

we are doing an anxiety program and how does your engine run therapy for the long term... but what about right now? any suggestions out there especially for the video game thing? if I forced a break every 5 minutes to do an emotions check, would that just make it worse? I don't get immersed in games like this (totally guilty of making it worse on him by saying it's just a game), so I don't know what to do...at least now I get it--

First of all, language! So, go to the thesaurus, type in an emotion, list the words in order of least strong to strongest word. Make sure this list is available to your child. Second, talk about what emotions DO: how your body feels, what indicators it gives you that you're about to go from one state to another.

Second, I can tell you from experience that chopping up an activity more is going to make it worse, sorry. I don't have a terrific solution, but we do downgrade the game to something less stressful if DS can't manage it.

we just started labeling in-between emotions... if anyone else is working on this the emotions color wheel on the do2learn website is really good too... but for my son, this is going to be a long process... we are seeing some improvements with other things, but computer games just seem to be different...

the reason games are different is because they are all consuming. when you watch TV you arent actually doing anything - you are just sat there. it is the same when you read a book. when you play a game your whole body and mind are reacting to what is on screen. despite what people think, nobody can multitask - especially kids. if they engrossed in the game world they will not recongnize stress until its too late.

today i let my daughter play sonic for the first time in a couple of months. i told her before i switched the game on the following rules:

(look them straight in the eye and be very firm)

1. if you cry or have a tantrum then you WILL be banned. You will NOT be allowed back on it.
2. if you feel annoyed then you WILL turn it off and you WILL turn it off yourself.

you may wish to try other statements but that is what i used today.

i gave her 30 minutes of play. she remained calm.

after we turned it off i asked her if she felt stressed or annoyed inside and she said yes. i praised her for being able to keep control of that stress and told her that she could go on again tomorrow AS LONG as she still remains calm.

i will again tell her the same rules before i switch on the game tomorrow.

I don't know just how good of an idea that is. It seems to be teaching a child to keep their feelings bottled up inside to avoid losing something of value (game time). Granted, it's not a bad skill to have; it'll come in handy when it's necessary not to snap at a moronic boss to avoid losing one's job. But following the traditional parenting logic, is it really that beneficial to teach a child to put on a false front of calmness to prevent their games from being taken away?

I think the worst thing about video games is that "so close, yet so far away" factor. Imagine how it feels knowing that if you only jumped inch farther (heck, make that one millimeter farther), you would not have lost a life and would not have to waste your time passing the level all the way from the beginning. More often than not, video games are very unforgiving. One false move, even the ever-so-trivial one, makes all your efforts go to waste and send you all the way to the beginning. ZX Spectrum's Manic Miner, Technician Ted, and Pyjamarama are notorious for that: they make it very easy to lose a life, they give you few lives, and losing a life sends your character to a spot right before the frustrating obstacle. Nintendo's Spelunker and later levels in Super Mario Bros have a similar problem. Ditto for hornet levels in the Donkey Kong Country series. No wonder why strategy guides, cheat codes, and Game Genie are so popular.

Come to think of it, when I was little, I wished that video games started out as very difficult, then rewarded you by becoming progressively easier as you passed levels. This way, it becomes less, rather than more, frustrating the farther in the game you get.

TheDarkMage, perhaps your daughter will benefit from looking at recordings of game passes, speed runs, and endings on YouTube. You just search as "[game name] [video type]"; for example, "Super Mario 3 game ending". Another source of video game frustration is wanting to see what comes next, and being thwarted when trying to do so. YouTube videos will eliminate that source. Maybe even when she sees the game ending on YouTube, she'll realize that it's nothing special and decide that wasting time getting there by playing the game is not worth it.

its not about keeping her feelings bottled up, its about retaining control. like you said about the moronic boss - how will she learn. i can assure you that i went through childhood losing my calm and i was allowed to do so - it never turned out well for me.

i do like your idea about games starting off harder though - thats an interesting idea. a lot of RPG's are like that.

I don't have any advice, but the title of the thread reminded me of these two YouTube videos. They turned out to be fakes that the brothers scripted but it's pretty funny.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YersIyzsOpc[/youtube]


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWBfLOZ2CjQ[/youtube]

They ended up making 14 different "freak out" videos and got national attention. The older brother, Stephen, (the one who is always freaking out) doesn't really have a bad temper, and he is also a musician and I think they may have done these to get attention so his name is known and maybe his music would take off.

You're right about the teaching part. But consider this: by the time a person has to deal with a moronic boss, they already have exponentially more resources to help them deal with frustration than they ever had as a child. This includes venting to an understanding friend, doing an extreme sport, staying up most of the night doing a movie marathon, going out to an exciting place, even tobacco and alcohol (not healthy, yes, but they're still used for dealing with frustration).

A child, on the other hand, has little other than his/her own mind. And I never bought into those methods like "count to ten", "deep breaths", etc; not as a child, not now. Needless to say, all the video game controllers I used had nicks, scratches, and chipped corners. No wonder I stopped playing 99% of video games by my early 20's. The only ones I still play are the ones where there's no losing per se, just getting bored from the monotony, like The Sims.

That's part of being a gamer. I wouldn't say I have trantrums, but I do still get frustrated. When I have to fight the cheap evil boss whom I want to just kick the living bajeebus out of, I start to get a little frustrated. I start calling the boss character a jerk, cursing at him "oh my god wtf you stupid piece of crap"; Shin Megami Tensei had me spanking the floor rolling in frustration and sometimes it isn't even the boss, it could be the level. Just recently picked up Sonic Generations and some of the levels are really hard and it frustrates me. I have what we call "Rage Quit" I'll turn it off myself and then come back to it.

And this wasn't a skill my parents taught me either. My dad was a big gamer when I was a kid and I remember him making weird noises whenever he died or got to the frustrating part. Come to think of it my dad never turned games off and I guess neither did I. I just naturally learned my own limit. As a kid, it might be a little harder because a child already doesn't know how to handle their own emotions and then add an extra group. But I did fairly well as a gamer child myself. I hardly remember anyone ever putting me in timeouts or telling me to turn off the game just cause I got frustrated. Sometimes I ranted to dad about it. And part of the excitement of the games was the whole adrenaline rush of my life on the line. No one ever told me to turn it off or send me away because I had a "trantrum". And after a while, a few hours later after I couldn't beat it I'd give up and rage quit. No one had to tell me and back then as a child sure I didn't truly understand what I was feeling, no one told me either. I only ever started rage quitting when I was older.

I think the parents on this thread are talking about a different level of frustration, though - and one that everyone needs to manage. Not only would it be really bad for everyone if DS broke a computer, he's thrown things at us and hit us in these rages as well.

I don't think any parent here expects their kid to turn off their emotions, or to experience loss without frustration. However, it's our job as parents to let them know there are limits to everything, including expressing your anger and frustration: no matter how angry you are, it's not acceptable to turn that to violence towards yourself or others, and it's also not acceptable to break other people's stuff.

If the computer were a game system my son owned and had paid for, and if I thought he'd successfully learn to manage his behavior through the real-life consequence of breaking his own stuff, I not intervene. Unfortunately, none of these variables apply to us.

He needs to have the skills to calm himself down, or to prevent his frustration from getting to the violent point. That is non-negotiable. I think, also, as part of maintaining a peaceable household for all of us, having an expectation that there won't be screaming curses at top volume isn't unreasonable - but we're allowing some of that as an interim step between violence and more appropriate expressions of frustration.

I also should say that we don't expect my son to have these skills just because we want him to, and that his technique for calming down has to be his own (Aspie1 is right, deep breaths, etc. don't necessarily work for everyone - each person has to find their own way.) I take it as my responsibility as his parent, though, to make sure he has the tools to prevent himself from raging his way through life, and I consider this a prime opportunity to work on that.