physal aggression

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I got that. But if we are in a public place and my kid punches a boy in the eye, I cannot allow him to run off anf play again while the boy is crying and sitting with ice on his eye. My son wanted to say sorry and go play. That mother was very appreciative that I made my son go home. She thanked me actually. And I cannot allow him to possibly do it to another child.

We do autopsies, he just isnt able to put it to good use when he is in a situation.

Been there, done that, but accept that your son can't process it at that moment and he will meltdown. With my son it was imperitive that all consequences follow a sequence of warnings, and now that you have had this one experience you can go into any location with other kids and say EACH TIME, "if you hurt another child or do X or do Y we will leave.". Be very specific.

Your son doesn't have the self-understanding yet to prevent these situations. It took years for my son to see the patterns and know where in the chain of events he had the ability to change course and steer clear of the eventual loose control trigger. I learned to pay very close attention to what was going on in playgrounds and would frequently call him over for updates and to interject observations and suggestions.

Your son will someday, if he is like mine, take responsibility for all the steps, self-mitigation, not hurting other kids, etc ... but not until 5th grade or middle schol or so and even that is if you are lucky. These skills are THAT hard for most AS kids because so much goes on and jumbles in their brains.

Just keep at it. Be clear, be specific, be repetitive, and be patient.

PS I I think some of the stuff I still carry the most guilt about is when my son really didn't understand and I was the one with the most opportunity to prevent the build up, but I didn't know him well enough to realize it, and he bore the consequences. Those bother me. So much was hard for him already and I just made it worse. Just realize that is where I come from. Everything got easier when I stopped trying to be a good mom following rules and just paid attention to him and what worked for him.


A really hard concept for my son, btw, was that responsibility has to be proportional to the hurt, not just to your level of intent to create harm. If you meant to tap lightly and ended up punching, or you felt the kid punched first and all you did was punch back, your actions and consequences have to reflect how bad it got on the other end, accident or not, didn't think he'd up up with a black eye or not. That was very very hard. My words to my son in the aftermath will accommodate his intent, and then state why it has to be handled more severely. He still doesn't really get it, but he accepts it.

Right. I think a good metaphor for my son's brain is that it's more like clockwork or gears rather than a bunch of fluid electric pathways: in order to change clockwork, you have to re-build the entire thing, and that takes a LOT of time and effort, and you certainly can't do anything while the gears are engaged.

Medication can greatly help with meltdown and aggression. ABA therapy can also be of help.

Some options would include SSRIs (such as Prozac and Zoloft); Intuniv, Tenex, clonidine, or guafacine (which work by lowering the blood pressure and heart rate; and Risperidone or Abilify (atypical antipsychotics which are FDA approved in the U. S. for irritability associated with autism. Just about any of these meds would produce a benefit, but they each have potential side effects, and the best med and dosage depends on the individual. If you have a pediatric neurologist or child psychiatrist available to handle meds, this is often best. However, a pediatrician can prescribe meds, too.

Anyway, you might want to check out the pages on my free website regarding medication and comorbid conditions (especially comorbid psychiatric conditions).

Both of my own kids are on meds, and they have greatly helped.

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I would also check out behavior therapies and local support groups (to help with your own emotional needs).
You might find some helpful books or other materials in the catalogs.

Good luck. My older son with high functioning classic autism used to have meltdowns like you describe and he can be violent. However, meds have helped him a lot. He is currently on a combination of Prozac and Intuniv for day and Clonidine at night (which can also be given in a small dose at the beginning of a meltdown to stop it).